Breaking Up and Moving On By Cutting Contact. Part 2
February 1, 2008 by NML · 17 Comments
The No Contact Rule means that you have to go cold turkey but you put yourself in the driving seat, create your own closure, and you start to control the relationship that you have perceived as uncontrollable. It is an exit strategy and trust me, you will use the No Contact Rule if you truly want to exit a poor relationship and want to get back your sense of self.
In Part 1, I explained what the No Contact Rule is, why we avoid it, and some tips to get you started and in this post I am giving some guidance on when to apply the rule.
How do you know if you need to apply the No Contact Rule?
No contact is a pretty harsh way to cut things off but it’s increasingly needed because of the type of dating habits that both men and women are adopting. As women, we seem to love being with men that are disconnected and unavailable for relationship duty, and who can’t commit to being with us…and can’t commit to not being with us.
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He’s Just Not That Into Booty Calls?
August 10, 2007 by NML · 3 Comments
“It’s hard to have casual sex without getting emotionally involved,”
Normally I would attribute these words to a woman, but on this occasion, it is to Ben, someone who claims to be amongst a growing number of men who just aren’t into booty calls. Say what?
“He’s Just Not That Into It” in Details Magazine examines this sudden change in the wind as men decide that they don’t just get hard and have actually got more emotional capacity than a stone when it comes to indulging in casual sex.
Whilst I do believe that casual sex floats everyone’s boat, it is still spearheaded by men. Millions of women have found themselves being unsuspecting one night stands or booty calls because many men don’t have balls big enough to admit that it’s all that they want. Instead, they let these women get sucked into the illusion that they are embarking on the beginning of something beautiful, when in fact, it will meet a very sharp end the moment that they roll off them.
“Isaac says he won’t have sex with someone he’s not emotionally attached to. He once walked away from a no-brainer—when a “gorgeous” former student ‘told me she sucks really good dick’—because he felt he couldn’t be giving, as he was emerging from a bad break-up.”
Well it’s nice to know that there are examples of men turning down sexual opportunities that are handed to them on a silver platter, after all, Isaac could easily have had some ‘medicine’ to make himself feel better… I have no doubt that he felt very uncomfortable about slipping her the mickey, but this situation also represents something else – when it’s the woman that’s effectively in control or being blatant about her sexuality or desire for casual sex, it’s just not that exciting.
For many men that habitually engage in casual sex, they like to think that the woman has brought into the idea of being with them and may even be falling in love. I have had many a woman complain of being mistreated by guys because they have been upfront about the fact that they just want the guy for sex. The men on the receiving end of their candidness wasted no time in trying to take chunks out of their character or even trying to reel them in emotionally just so that they could prove a point.
I don’t think it’s fair for women to assume that all guys want sex but unfortunately the type of man that we have often been confronted with out in the dating world isn’t doing very much to dispel this generalisation. These men may be declaring themselves off booty calls but I don’t think they represent the great majority.
The article goes on to discuss women believing that all guys want is sex and one man tells of how his sexuality was challenged and how he was badgered for sex all night by one persistent woman; the type of behaviour that if a guy was doing it would have him being called a “monster”. We’re accused of having further double standards when “Guys can be made to feel like dicks for withholding theirs” and that women take sexual rejection very personally.
What we have here is years of misguided social conditioning rearing its ugly head. There are years of repeated behavior coming back to bite men in the ass. By constantly helping to reinforce the idea that women should be up for casual shagging, many women have effectively jumped onto the bandwagon. The words ‘Be careful what you wish for’ have never been more apt!
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Can a Booty Call Grow Into a Relationship?
August 9, 2007 by NML · 8 Comments
Booty Call: This is when someone has the ability to flex their dialing finger and call up a certain person solely for the purpose of a shag. It tends to be late at night, it’s most definitely casual, no strings fun, and it relies on either both parties being grown up enough to know the deal and enjoy it for what it is, or for one person to be clever enough to let the other think that they’re getting more than they are, when all they’re looking for is boo-tay.
On the very basis that booty calls relies on the parties using each other for sex and you being flexible enough not to mind, why the hell would you want it to turn into a relationship? If you’re doing the booty call right, you don’t know enough about their character or personality to warrant even considering having a relationship. Technically all you know is that they screw well (God help you if you’re having a crap sex with a booty call…) and that when it comes to getting free and easy sex without any hassle, they can be punctual about arriving, and even more punctual about beating a hasty retreat to their own home, so that you can finish getting a good nights sleep. If you’ve been talking and getting to know each other…you just aren’t doing it right!
Booty calls are about using people for sex and whilst it’s a case of each to their own, it’s not a great advertisement for a person. Trust me when I say that booty calls are not something that everybody indulges in. The fact that all he wants to do is rock up when he gets hard, stick it to you and then leave, shouldn’t have you hankering for a relationship!
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Casual Sex Between Friends
July 5, 2007 by Cheekie · 24 Comments
Ah yes, CSBF. It can save your life, save your sanity, allow you to relax, and seem less desperate. But is it healthy? Let’s investigate a little further. First off, for those of you unfamiliar with the term, CSBF= Casual Sex Between Friends, now on with the pro’s/con’s.
Pro’s:
• Sex
• Drunken silly meaningless sex
• Hot drunken silly meaningless sex
• Having a friend to talk to
• He leaves when it’s done
• Being able to relax during sex and do things you would normally never do for fear of not being a “good girl”
• Calls at 1am (either way)
• No strings attached
• Being able to date without the sex urge, so you can get to know someone knowing you can always “get it” when you need it
• Avoiding the aura of desperateness
• Did I mention hot sex?
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The 10 Commandments of No Strings Sex
March 5, 2007 by NML · 3 Comments
If you’re not getting yours then you’re not doing it right.
This is all about you and this is the type of sex where you don’t need to worry about who come’s first or his wants. You’re not developing a relationship here – you are supposed to be getting laid good and proper. Obviously don’t go falling in love with him just because he gave you an orgasm!
Save the drama for your friends.
A booty call, no strings arrangement, whatever you want to call it, is for S.E.X. It’s not for chit-chat. It’s not for him to play armchair psychologist and he doesn’t need to say all of the things that you would expect from a boyfriend. If you do this, I have to ask – Why bother?
Easy on the verbal diarrhoea
Women do have a terrible habit of Women Who Talk Too Much syndrome which means that in an effort to come across as though we don’t give a shit, we end up saying that we just want him for sex, it’s just for one night, and go into a rather long winded explanation about why they are having no strings sex. Total. Waste. Of. Time. Likewise, there is no need to say you won’t call him again after you shag him. Just don’t!
Be in control of the contraception
Don’t expect him to turn up with a condom. Make sure you always carry your own and if you’re on the pill, it’d be a good idea to remember to take it… This is one of those situations where I really don’t recommend bareback!
Don’t expect post-coital affection
This is not an episode of the Care Bears. He doesn’t need to cuddle you, talk to you or dissect the shag session. If he chooses to be affectionate, it’s a bonus but it doesn’t mean that you should jump to conclusions that he wants more than just sex. He may just be very good at soothing the female ego….
Out of sight/Out of Mind
The whole idea of having no strings sex is that you’re not supposed to expend lots of mental energy about what he’s doing right now, whether he’s thinking about you, when you’ll see him next, does he fancy you and bla, bla, bla. It’s a physical thing and whilst there’s nothing wrong with patting yourself on the back for getting some great sex, there is something wrong with analysing the crap out of the guy and the sex.
Don’t Interrogate
Why do you need to know how many women he has the arrangement with? How many women he has slept with? Are you one in a long line? Who cares!!!!???!!! As long as you are engaging in safe sex and he is unattached, that is ALL you need to know. Please don’t shine a torch in his face and demand answers or get all pissy when he does give you answers! Don’t ask!
Did I mention he should be unattached?
You would expect this to be a given but you’d be surprised at how many women shag attached men. It’s not no-strings sex if he has a girlfriend or wife! Tell the greedy bastard to get lost and find a man that doesn’t have complicated ties elsewhere.
Choose the appropriate prey and be clear about the terms
Use your judgement skills. Choosing a playa makes the whole thing a lot easier. Choosing Mr Nice Guy who has always wanted to go out with you is just plain foolish. Have the uncomfortable conversation before you get down to things, not afterwards when he’s wondering why you crept out in the early hours or won’t return his calls. You’ll find that the arrangement is a lot easier to discuss and arrange with a playa than it is with Mr Nice Guy. Likewise, steer clear of exe’s. I can guarantee that one person will have more attachment than the other!
It is OK to say ‘No’ to things that you aren’t comfortable with but it’s also OK to get freaky and experiment
This is your time to be uninhibited and try out new moves if this is what floats your boat. That said though, if you don’t want to be whipped, an anal sex tester, handcuffed, strangled, do a threesome, have or give oral sex, whatever…you don’t have to. Do however make an effort and don’t lie there like a sack of potatoes as that’s no fun for you OR for him. You can lie there like a sack of potatoes any day of the week but it’s not what no strings sex is for.
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim
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Can I Build a Relationship on Just Sex?
July 13, 2006 by NML · 2 Comments
I’m getting asked more questions by readers these days, so I will attempt to answer them publicly on the blog which will also give anyone who thinks they have a suggestion to chime in.
Nobody can build a relationship on just sex. In fact, if a relationship is what you’re looking for then making sex the priority in the hope that you may have a conversation one day, discover shared interests and be suddenly interested in each other on a variety of levels…is mad.
Sex isolated on it’s own in a scenario like this is just sex. A scenario that has a balance of everything else, plus the sex is a relationship. Anyone can have sex if they put their penis or vagina to it, but not everyone can make a relationship. If all you’ve been doing is shagging each other’s brains out, it says to me that forging a relationship wasn’t on the agenda in the first place.
And yes this applies to booty calls, f*ck buddies, ‘tings’, and anything else you want to call a scenario that focuses on getting naked without getting attached. If you want to build a relationship, put the sex on the back burner and bring getting to know each other into main focus.
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I Want Your Sex - How do we react to ‘just’ sex?
One of the most common issues that we hear about is that in a party of two people, one thinks that they are about to be come loves young dream and embark on a relationship and the other, just thinks they’re getting a shag. Just wanting someone for sex is not just a male behaviour contrary to popular opinion – women are not averse to only wanting a man to take the edge off and satisfy her, rather than his stimulating conversation and glowing personality. But both sexes react to being a ‘shag’ rather differently…
Unfortunately when women are on the receiving end of being someone’s shag, many will still try to twist and turn it in their mind to shine a more positive light on it. I often hear women say ‘I think he’s just after one thing…’ followed by much musings on what they should do and all the wonderful things they think they could have with him if only he would realise how wonderful she is. Newsflash: Once you’re entertaining a discussion about the fact that he just wants you for sex rather than telling him to beat it, you’ve already decided on many levels in your mind to continue to try and forge a semblance of a relationship with this guy regardless. What’s to discuss? If you don’t want to be a ‘shag’ and he’s treating you like one, why not just wash your hands of the situation and walk away?
Unless a guy has got his skills honed down to a tee (a playa), it’s likely that there have been some warning signs that the ‘relationship’ was on the road to nowhere because if the focus of his attention is sex, the emphasis will have been placed on it and it’s likely that you found yourself giving into lust and having sex with them too early. Guys that place the emphasis on sex, don’t want to get to know YOU, they just want to get to know your vagina!
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How To Have a Booty Call Arrangement
February 22, 2006 by Vixen · 2 Comments
Don’t get caught short by not understanding the rules of the booty call road.
A booty call is a casual arrangement that you have with someone that allows you to flex your dialling finger and say ‘Let’s meet up’ which is code for ‘Come round and do me. NOW’ At some point you both had sex, discovered that it was great, but that’s about all there is to it. Ideally, the person shouldn’t be an ex, as there is history, although if you’re both totally over it, what the hell, go for it.
- Under no circumstances should you have any feelings other than the ones that ripple through your body when you’re having sex with them.
- It’s not making love, it’s good hard sex. Don’t get this mixed up. Making love is for people that actually want to talk to you about non sex related stuff and actually have a relationship.
- If your booty call is less than satisfactory, bin them off. Why go to the trouble of a booty call if you don’t get to come?
- Minimal chit-chat – This is not a relationship. You don’t get to have emotional discussions. Phone your mum or something.
- This is an ad-hoc arrangement. You don’t plan a booty call a few days in advance. They call or you call and you’re either free or not free. Plans are for people in relationships.
- As a general rule of thumb, you get laid and get the hell out. You shouldn’t need to stay over, unless of course you both get on pretty well and you want it again in the morning.
- You don’t meet up with your booty call for lunch or for other recreational activities. Any meeting up such as dinner or drinks should be focused on getting your clothes off.
- Phonecalls should be late. Friends and family call early, booty calls give you a call after 9/10pm.
- Don’t leave anything at their place as that’s couple territory.
- Don’t ask about who they’ve been doing, because you don’t need to know. If you’re talking when you should be going at it, something has gone very wrong.
- No snuggling and spooning each other to sleep. Get up and go home!
- No questions about performance or how you compare to a previous lover. Who cares? It’s sex!
- You don’t need to worry about whether it’s good for them. This is the one time when you can be totally focused on your pleasure. If they’re of the same mind, it should be pretty mind-blowing anyway.
- Don’t go falling in love with your booty call. If a relationship didn’t follow from all that shagging before, it’s unlikely to appear now. Get out if feelings develop.
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No Frills Casual Sex - How to Survive
One night stands are not something that floats everyone’s boats but there are an increasing number of women that are choosing to have no frills sex but finding that they get a lot of flack from the guys they sleep with or proposition. Now let’s be real here ladies – There is many a woman that has had sex with a guy thinking that it was the start of something beautiful, only to find that they were the unwitting party to a one night stand, with the guy using the line ‘I’ll call you’ and then he didn’t. Lots of guys say that they’re not looking for relationships and are just looking for a bit of fun, so how is it that these women that are actually willing to be willing participants are treated so negatively?
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The ‘Ting’ & Friends Who F*ck/Fumble
This scenario unravelled recently: Two people have been sleeping together for eight years. Yes you did read that right, eight years! It comes to light that he has been seeing someone else and they are going to have their first child. She is ‘heartbroken’ and everyone is outraged on her behalf when she tells her ‘version’ of events, but looking beyond the surface of things, does she have a reason to feel ‘heartbroken’?
Sleeping with someone, even loving someone, doesn’t give ‘ownership’ or ‘rights’. On a subconscious level and some on a far more conscious one, we assume that it does, but it doesn’t. If you’ve been having a casual sexual relationship with someone and had it stretch out for eight years, more fool you for never asking the right questions and putting aside a roll in the sack for even one evening to discuss the ‘state of play’.
If you never refer to someone as your boyfriend/girlfriend, ‘other half,’ or ‘significant other’, it’s undoubtedly because they aren’t. We’re not kids anymore where we have to say, “Will you be my boyfriend?” but there is a time when something shifts and you head in that direction. Call me sceptical, but it doesn’t take eight years to get there, in fact, it often doesn’t even take eight months. If you’re having sex with someone over an extended period but you aren’t in a relationship per se, it’s just a ‘shag’ or as some of my Jamaican friends refer to it, a ‘ting’ (thing minus the ‘h’).
Failing to even acknowledge to friends that you are anything other than a ting, not telling anyone that the person even exists, telling your family you’re single, are all signs that that he’s a ting’, you’re a ‘ting’ and in actual fact, you don’t have any’ting’ other than good sexual chemistry. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. I.e. you can bonk his brains out and be the best shag he’s ever had but if he doesn’t make you his girlfriend (and that’s what you want), you’re wasting your time.
What’s the difference between being a ‘ting’ or Friends Who F*ck? FWF is a casual sex arrangement with a trusted friend. It should only be embarked upon where a few ground rules have been established and it should be on an ad hoc basis and not fall into a routine, as routine has an ‘r’ in it like ‘relationship’. It shouldn’t be an ongoing arrangement over a long period of time and there shouldn’t be any thinking that you’re the others significant other; you’re their significant shag partner.
A ‘ting’ on the other hand isn’t something that necessarily starts with a friend. One party may have entered into the sexual relationship under the impression that it was something that was leading towards something more solid, yet lo and behold, it’s just sex. It feels like you’re in the routine of a relationship as it’s frequent enough, yet there is no relationship bar a sexual one. These can stretch out for quite long periods of time and whilst on the surface it appears that both parties are getting exactly what they want, one party, often the woman, does invest emotionally and mistakes a roll in the sheets over an extended period for a relationship. A ‘ting’ is an inanimate object, defying a vocal description because the ‘object’ hasn’t taken up residence in the emotions and barely requires a name.
If you’re a ‘ting’, there is no point getting all pissy because he’s taken up with someone else, even though it would have served him well to, oh I don’t know, grow some balls and call off the shag/ting first. However, it’s very possible that because he thinks it’s a ‘ting’ that he doesn’t feel that it requires calling off! You may well be upset by the demise of this arrangement, but the energy is wasted. The beauty of being FWF’s is that you both get to have fun and have some of the best elements of a relationship (the sex), without actually being in a relationship. The beauty of being a ‘ting’ (and there really isn’t any beauty to it), is that for the party that benefits from it most, they get all the trimmings, without the cake, and often don’t really invest anything emotionally.
My suggestion is that we don’t engage in being ting’s. You can be FWF’s (Friends Who F*ck/Fumble) but it should be to water the grass when you’re going through a dry spell, not a continuous arrangement for years at a time. Being a ‘ting’ no matter what way you look at it, will wear down on you emotionally over time and is likely to negatively impact on your attitude towards men and relationships much further down the line. I don’t think that there is a happy ending to being a ‘ting’ because you’ll probably feel insecure within the relationship even if he does make the relationship ‘official’. What are we supposed to think of ourselves when someone is willing to sleep with you for a long period of time but not acknowledge your existence? You are short changing yourself by engaging in being a ting and there is no benefit other than getting laid. Have you been out there lately? There is no shortage of guys willing to offer their sexual services. Take it, then leave it, but just don’t extend it!
NML is the editor of Bagage Reclaim
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