Reader story: He did me a favour by cutting contact.
June 11, 2008 by NML · 16 Comments
Dee has kindly shared her thoughts on The No Contact Rule and she is a great example of how you can turn the tables on him and your negative experience and gain something really positive - YOU.
“My No Contact actually began by HIM cutting off contact with me…. completely! The relationship ended over a heated argument/situation. I panicked, called incessantly, text messaged etc, and he stopped replying or never replied at all.
I then came to my senses and stopped the madness!
Now I am thankful that he cut off all contact because he did me a favour - I’m grateful for it!
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Coping With and Moving On After a Break Up Commandment 10: Thou must close the door and move forward
June 9, 2008 by NML · 8 Comments
In the final post in the Ten Commandments of Coping With and Moving On After a Break Up, it’s all about shutting that door on your relationship.
There is a fundamental belief about break ups that many women have and it’s that that you need two people for closure.
Now whilst it would be nice if we could meet up with our exes and get that closure so many of us seek, the fact of the matter is that you are far more likely to leave with more questions than answers, which could effectively set you back.
Exes very rarely meet our expectation of what we think closure is about and quite frankly, unless they’re down and out, crawling around your feet begging for another chance, and you get the opportunity to walk out with a flounce, there is no type of meeting that is likely to leave you satisfied…and not wanting.
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Coping With and Moving On After a Break Up Commandment 9: Thou mustn’t give up on love
June 6, 2008 by NML · 15 Comments
Whilst you’ve been mourning the loss of your ex, you’ve probably decided that you’re not going trust again, that you’re just going to keep it casual, or make tings difficult for the next man. You may even decide that you don’t think you can ever love again.
I remember crying over some assclown about ten years ago and putting Toni Braxton’s ‘Unbreak My Heart’ on repeat. Sure I’d forgotten him within a couple of months and I have to close my eyes and cringe at the image of myself wallowing in the madness of heartbreak.
You want to be love. You want to be in love. You want to love. But you’re starting to close up inside and can’t trust yourself or your judgement.
But remember, Thou must not give up on love. If you give up on love, you give up on yourself.
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Coping With and Moving On After a Break Up Commandment 8: Thou need to get a life
June 5, 2008 by NML · 2 Comments
If you’re recovering from a break up right now, what does your life involve? Waking up and wondering if the day will bring contact from him? Closing your eyes again and wondering what work will say if you call in sick again? Going to work and either underperforming because you’re distracted or going hell for leather working long hours in an effort to avoid home? Checking your mobile every 5 minutes for texts? Sifting through your junk folder to make sure you haven’t missed an email? Double checking that the answering machine is still working? Crying when you hear ‘your song’? Crying on your friends shoulder at the girls night out? I could go on…
I know it’s broke, I know it hurts, I know it’s gradually healing (hopefully), I know you might even have a little hope in there that he might come back, but Thou need to get a life! Literally.
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Coping With and Moving On After a Break Up Commandment 7: Thou shalt forgive…but thou shouldn’t forget..but don’t cling…
June 4, 2008 by NML · 2 Comments
At the time when I broke up with the Mr Unavailable that seemed to kickstart my many realisations about myself, I was also struggling with a difficult illness and sought alternative therapy in kinesiology to manage potential allergies. So imagine my surprise when I found myself having to discuss forgiveness and the many hurts I had been storing up?! It wasn’t so much about forgiving him, but forgiving the events and the people that had come before him that had led to where I was at that point.
It was an opportunity to free myself and in time, you can free yourself too.
Thou shalt forgive…but thou shouldn’t forget. (But don’t cling).
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Coping With and Moving On After a Break Up Commandment 6: Thou shalt understand WHY and do something with the knowledge
June 3, 2008 by NML · 3 Comments
So you know that it’s best put a big wedge of space between you and your ex, that you really have to stop obsessing, that you’ve got to stop fearing the pain of the break up and confront it, that you’ve got to stop doubting yourself and get angry, and that you need to be accountable. So what now?
Well it’s all very well knowing why the relationship went wrong and being accountable for your part, but all of this means nothing unless you do something with your new found knowledge and start making changes to move forward and heal. Thou must learn from the experience and move forward.
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Coping With and Moving On After a Break Up Commandment 5: Thou shalt be accountable
June 2, 2008 by NML · 5 Comments
We’re up to commandment 5 in the Coping With and Moving On After a Break Up Series and today I’m focusing on accountability.
I used to chalk up all of my dodgy dating experiences to ‘bad luck’ and even laughed them off, but as time passed it occurred to me that I cannot lay all of the blame for my relationship failures at their doors. They were and probably are still assclowns but I was the only recurring character in each relationship.
Accountability in relationships is key and if you ever want to move on in a healthy way after a break up and grow from the experience, you must remember: Thou shalt be accountable.
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Coping With and Moving On After a Break Up Commandment 4: Thou shalt stop doubting yourself and get angry
May 30, 2008 by NML · 8 Comments
So imagine that you’ve broken up with someone, and each time your rational voice says something like “You know, this guy is a fool. Look at how terrible you were feeling when you were around him!”, you have a moment of clarity where you recognise the truth…and then the scared, insecure voice comes chiming in with, “But you know, maybe it’s because you’re needy and if you hadn’t asked him to spend more time with you, he wouldn’t have ended it” and then boom, you’re back in that place of self-doubt again.
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Coping With and Moving On After a Break Up Commandment 3: Thou shalt stop fearing the pain of breaking up and confront it
May 29, 2008 by NML · 5 Comments
One of the things that is a primary destructive driver behind relationships is the F word, fear. In the Thirty Days of Drama Reduction series, it became apparent to many readers that their key motivations in their relationships was fear. That’s internal and external fear, which is why it is important when you want to heal and move on after breaking up that you remember commandment 3:
Thou shalt stop fearing the pain of breaking up and confront it!
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Coping With and Moving On After a Break Up Commandment 2: Thou Shalt Not Obsess
May 28, 2008 by NML · 10 Comments
Yesterdays post was about the first commandment: Thou shalt cut off this ‘Let’s be friends’ mallarky, a call to action for any woman who has been caught up in the confusing world of being friends with their ex. Today’s post is for all of the ladies that love an assclown Mr Unavailable, and especially for women who have started the No Contact Rule. The second commandment of breaking up and moving on after a break up focuses on the tricky subject of women who can’t and won’t stop thinking about their exes.
Ladies, ladies, ladies, LADIES! There is a fundamental reason why I implore you to heed the commandment of ‘Thou shalt not obsess about your ex’:
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