Relationship Advice: Am I addicted to my lying, cheating ex Mr Unavailable?
Steph asks: “Your post on “When he tells you that he wants to break up versus when he treats you badly till YOU break up!”…… was right on as usual. I was stuck with the second kind of EUM…who would never have ended it until we were both eighty. But he cheated on me and [...]
Relationship Advice: Help! I’m not part of his life plan and he wants to move out and sofa surf!
Catherine asks: “I am six years into it with an emotionally unavailable man. It is not that he was dishonest about his unavailability, or that there were any of the red flags missing. He was separated, had lost a a baby, was in the process of divorcing his wife. But we got along so well, had very similar worldview, politics, lifestyle, music, really a great time was had. At least I have that.
Now he has told me that he is thinking about moving out of his apartment. This is where we spend most of our time together, because it has been my custom to ride my bike or bus over, stopping by the grocery store to pick up something to cook. I am an outstanding cook, and it is one of my main ways of expressing love, for my friends and family as well as him. He doesn’t like my house because it is old, worn down, and I’m kind of slobby. I have asked for a more grown-up domestic middle-aged type lifestyle and romance, but he is firm about the No Cohabitation Rule, and besides I’m messy.
5th December: How To Lose An Assclown in 90 Days…
Well it’s later than planned but I finally have a date for the print version of Get Over Him: How To Lose An Assclown in 90 Days….
So what is it about?
Right now, millions of women feel like they’re losing their minds over ‘assclowns’; men that mistreat women, are unable to commit anything yet insist on [...]
Reader Question: Why can’t Mr Unavailable’s either let go of their ex or return to them?
Why is it that emotionally unavailable men/assclowns are unable to let go of or return to the ex wives?
My former assclown has been divorced for over five years and is choosing not to move on from his previous life. They have two adult children (one still in college) and continue to do get together for family events (every other month) and all holidays events. This is the reason we broke up, he refuses to include me in these events and would not cut the ex out for the sake of the kids. I also found out that he continues to do her annual taxes.
He claims he had been hurt very much in the marriage and rejected repeatedly but continues not to move on with his life. The ex had asked for a reconciliation a year back but he refused. I don’t understand this?
He claimed to have loved me and told me that we were working towards a relationship but with typical assclown behavior he never came through. All words no action!!!!
Passive Aggression in Relationships - Part 3
So earlier this week over the course of two posts I looked at passive aggressive behaviour, looking both at how a Mr Unavailable or assclown may behave, but also how a woman might behave in some very common situations.
In today’s post I’m going to look at some ways for dealing with passive aggressive behaviour and [...]
Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda - Could my relationship have been different?
When I used to spend my time going out with assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s (or guys who were both), when things were over or were approaching ‘The End’, I’d start to wonder if things could have been different if only I could have let certain things slide, been less assertive, been the one to change etc etc.
This is a common thought pattern for a lot of women and it arises from the big 3:
Passive Aggression in Relationships - Part 2
A couple of days back I explained how a typical Mr Unvailable or assclown (or maybe he’s both) uses passive aggression in the relationship to absolve himself of any responsibility but also to do nothing. But…would you be surprised to know that we can indulge in our own passive aggressive behaviour too?
Passive aggression is about trying to get your own way by essentially doing nothing, or doing exactly what you intended to do, even though you may have made noises to the contrary to the other party.
Now it’s safe to say that part of the reason why women get involved with men who are passive aggressive is because his behaviour mimics patterns that they are all too familiar with from their childhood.
Passive Aggression in Relationships - Part 1
When you’re in struggling relationships, especially with emotionally unavailable men (Mr Unavailable’s) and assclowns, something your are likely to experience is passive aggression=.
According to Wikipedia:
“Passive-aggressive behavior refers to passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible. It is a defense mechanism, and (more often than not) only partly conscious. For example, suppose someone does not wish to attend a party. A passive-aggressive response in that situation might involve taking so long to get ready that the party is nearly over by the time they arrive.”
Now I receive quite a few emails that describe the guy as passive aggressive but actually, in struggling relationships that drag on, this is behaviour that both parties can be guilty of, but for part 1 of this post, I am looking at his behaviour.
He’s with someone else - Why her and not me?
There are variations of this common question being asked around this site. The common scenarios are:
You’ve broken up with him and now he’s dating someone else and they look so happy together.
He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship and now he’s flaunting his latest.
He said he wasn’t going to choose you over his wife/girlfriend and now he’s got a new girl for The Other Woman.
He said he didn’t want to get married and now he’s engaged or married.
He said he wouldn’t leave his wife and now he has…for a different girl.
How come he’s so happy with her? It must be my fault the relationship didn’t work.
Why her and not me? Why, why, why, why, WHY?
The fact that you’re asking this says that you still want him even though he’s demonstrated that he doesn’t see the value in you or being you, that you’re obsessing about him and the relationship, and that you don’t want to move on because often when we ask these questions, they are with regard to men who probably aren’t worthy of our time.
If he doesn’t end the relationship, why can’t you end the relationship?
I was reading comments on my recent post ‘He broke up with me because he met someone else - Is he a bastard?’ and a couple of lines from one commenter stood out because they reflect a problem that is at the heart of our poor relationships with men:
“But, if he had said that things didn’t seem to be working for a few months already, why didn’t he just have the balls to end the relationship at that point and be single for a while?”
