Dating with fear and obsessing about your ex and no contact
August 11, 2008 by NML · 24 Comments
The more and more emails and comments that I read about how women deal with emotional unavailability and the aftermath, is the more concerned I become about whether recovering Fallback Girls recognise some dangerous things that they may be doing to potentially draw them back into the cycle.
Dating and being cautious. Going on dates, being suspicious, being scared, worried that he’s going to turn out like all of the others, downplaying him like you’re settling for fear of ending up with another assclown.
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Relationship Advice: I want to confront the Other Woman and thump her! How do I deal with my anger?
August 8, 2008 by NML · 14 Comments
Kim asks: I recently found out that my boyfriend has been screwing some girl from his work for more than a year behind my back. I found out when she turned up at my place telling me that he wants to leave but he doesn’t know how. I was speechless at first and then I found myself literally physically throwing her out of my apartment. I think she was going to fight me, but I slammed the door behind me too quickly for her. Anyway, I confronted him and he actually lied initially (he said she was obsessive with a crush) and then admitted it when I threatened to break everything in his house.
So it’s over now because I can’t live with a cheat. The thing is, I am still mad at this girl and it has been all I can do to stop myself from going to her work and thumping the living daylights out of her. She has taken my man! I’m sure that she pulled some moves on him, strutting around with her perky t*ts and short skirts and whilst I know he’s his own man, men aren’t clever enough to avoid the charms of women like her that want to steal away other women’s men. My mother always told me that a guy is only as faithful as whatever options he has and that they don’t have it in them to resist temptation. I do think about taking him back sometimes (he keeps calling me) but I actually think about her more. I came across your blog when I read about the Other Woman and I know that you have some strong opinions about the sisterhood and confrontation but can you understand why I am so angry at her? How do I deal with this?
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Relationship Advice: My boyfriend says that I’m ‘Needy’ because I want more. Am I?
August 7, 2008 by NML · 28 Comments
Lisa asks: NML, I must admit that I have become paranoid recently because my boyfriend keeps calling me needy and I hate it! This started about a month ago when I said that I wanted something a bit more consistent and that I wanted to be sure that we were going somewhere. I couldn’t bloody believe it when he said “Why can’t you go with the flow Lisa? Why do you have to start pressurising me?” I must admit to being taken aback and I apologised to him for making him feel uncomfortable but I also told him that I felt that he was being harsh. He sneered at me and said “Oh Lisa…so needy”.
Since then, things have been distinctly cool between the two of us and I’m afraid to say anything because each time I so much as look like I’m having so much as a negative thought he says “I hope you’re not going to spoil the evening by getting all needy on me…” Bastard! I don’t know what to do because to be honest, he has really p*ssed me off but I keep wondering if I caused this but not letting things ‘be’. Do you think I am being needy? It’s not like we’re a new relationship - we’ve been seeing each other for more than two years!
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Relationship Advice: I didn’t know that I was the Other Woman. Help!
August 5, 2008 by NML · 14 Comments
Tess asks: I have been seeing my guy for almost a year and I’m crazy about him but I have recently discovered that he is not the single guy he professed to be and this all happened when his ‘real’ girlfriend busted us on a weekend away.
I admit that whilst I am crazy about him, he comes across as shady at times and I have been trying to get him to make a firmer commitment by trying to get him to move in with me. I always wondered why he was routine and why he would sometimes pick arguments with me or be snappy, and now I realise that he was orchestrating his other life.
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Living in Denial with your Relationships
August 4, 2008 by NML · 13 Comments
Sometimes, when I read emails and comments from readers, I can hear the voice of Vikki Pollard from Little Britain saying “yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah” and what I hear is that many women agree with what I or others have to say about certain male behaviour like emotional unavailability, but they like to leave a trail of ‘buts’ because they don’t want to write off all hope.
Whilst this is tied into a core behaviour of many women called Betting On Potential, choosing to deny the reality of someone or your situation says more about you than it does about him.
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Do emotionally unavailable men change?
July 31, 2008 by NML · 8 Comments
This is probably one of the most common questions that I am asked by women and it seems that no matter what some of you know about yourselves and him, you’re still curious. I’m not surprised…
Most women who took the time to search for information that led them to this site were looking for answers and more importantly, a solution. Admittedly though, I suspect that the ideal solution that many want to hear is one that involves:
You changing and him having a thunderbolt moment where he realises it’s love.
A step by step guide to catching him and keeping him.
Some all joyous news that says with a bit of patience, he will change.
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Guest Post: The ‘C’ Word: Closure
July 30, 2008 by Cheekie · 10 Comments
In a guest post from the wonderful Cheekie, she explains how taking control of the drama when she was recently faced with seeing her ex has been liberating…
CLOSURE.
The biggie. The one we all strive, cry, yearn, wheedle and whine for.
Be it a long term relationship that went south or a Mr Unavailable that disappeared. We need it.
And sometimes, as strong as we may be (or think we are) we can’t always get that final nail in that coffin of a relationship without some kind of catalyst.
So, what happens when you are faced with the devil himself, the man that has tormented your thoughts for years? Does the very thought of running into him send your heart racing and your stomach flipflopping?
Of course it does, that’s natural. Completely normal and to be expected.
We don’t have control over what they might say or do, and that kills us.
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Does emotionally unavailable equal ‘He’s just not that into you’? Why do we care?
July 28, 2008 by NML · 14 Comments
Last year I wrote a post about whether ‘He’s just not that into you’ is another description for emotionally unavailable and I feel that over a year later, 194 comments, and a couple of ebooks later, that it is time to revisit this subject.
Mr Unavailable is as into you as he is capable of being into you.
When he’s blowing hot, he’s into the idea of pursuit and capture. When he’s blowing lukewarm he’s into the idea of retreat and managing down your expectations so that you don’t expect, want, or need anything from him. When he’s blowing damn cold, he’s into the idea of disappearing, trying his luck on some other hapless Fallback Girl, or manipulating you into jumping to his beat.
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Why you’ll always be a Yo-Yo Girl if you don’t maintain the No Contact Rule
July 24, 2008 by NML · 169 Comments
In another excerpt from new ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I explain the assuming that keeps a Yo-Yo Girl (YYG) in her boomerang relationship with her ‘bad penny’ Mr Unavailable. This excerpt is from the chapter on The Yo-Yo Girl, from the section, You’re thinking ‘We’re back together!’, he’s thinking ‘We’re hooking up…’
The biggest question that YYG’s ask themselves is ‘Why does he keep coming back?’ and it’s simply because he can. That…and he’s the original Dog In a Manger – He don’t want you but he doesn’t want you to move onto someone else who might actually want you and prevent him from being able to have the easy access that he currently has back into your life. In order for Mr Unavailable’s to indulge in this boomerang behaviour, there has to be a facilitating YYG. In fact, Mr Unavailable’s would not be able to exist and continue with their behaviour if there weren’t Fallback Girl’s ready and waiting to co-manage this dysfunctional partnering.
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The Fallback Girl is Mr Unavailable’s Disgruntled Customer
July 23, 2008 by NML · 4 Comments
In another excerpt from new ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I explain another example of how we fit in with the behaviour of emotionally unavailable men so well, which actually enables their poor relationship behaviour.
This excerpt is from the section ‘He can’t commit/won’t commit – You’re a disgruntled customer that won’t accept’
If you imagine that you’re Mr Unavailable’s customer, he’s selling and you’re buying. But you’re an unhappy customer. He has shown you the product, given it a whole load of bells and whistles that aren’t actually sold with that particular product, and then sold it to you and told you that you’ll be getting the pared down version because the one you want was a limited edition, that’s no longer in stock, and the one in his hand has already been reserved.
You feel confused. Why go to the trouble of making a song and dance about the product if he wasn’t going to sell it to you? Yes you know you felt a bit awkward when you were listening to his sales patter and you did wonder why he was showing you this particular product when it didn’t look anything like the one on the box. But he seemed to really want to wow you, show you a good time and make sure that you’re shopping experience was unforgettable. You remember feeling a bit uncomfortable around him, a little distrusting, wondering if this was all too good to be true. He assures you that what you have, is just fine and that you’ll love it. But you don’t love it when you get home because you keep thinking back to that amazing product. You know it’s out there, you just need to get your hands on it, but each time you ask him, he says that what you have is what you’re going to get, but then confuses you by alluding to the possibility of getting the one you really want.
Sound familiar? It should do. You, the Fallback Girl are the disgruntled customer who wants an exchange.
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