Ten Christmas Survival Tips for the heartbroken, and lovers of asscowns and Mr Unavailables Part Two

gulp, thanks for this post saved me .. again

Natalie, thank you for the lovely article yet again, you are right about assclowns, it is keep repeating….number 9! That what kept happening to me and I kept accepting this very stupid situation:-( Not anymore, everything will be different in 2009!

Happy Christmas Natalie and lovely ladies!!!

Hi All
I haven’t heard from my EUM for a week until yesterday when he text to wish me Merry Xmas and said he thort he had better cos I wasn’t talking to him! I never replied because although it is the season for good will to all men I think yes except this one. I seen him out on Friday and Saturday night of last week and he didn’t speak to me let alone look in my direction and we were in the same pub! I then got another TEXT at 2am this morning say ing Merry Xmas again Nat. I again never replied. Last Monday I went and bought a stack of pressies for him and got him to try them on and he said great wrap them up for Xmas. When he left the room his mam (he lives with her) said to me ” Natalie you realise he won’t be able to buy you much as he is on the dole. I was like oh I know. Then on the weekend he goes out Thursday, Friday Saturday!!!!!! Like thats where his money goes then??? No wonder I wasn’t gunna get any pressies. I am done with this guy. But why has he been in touch because it certainly wasn’t to apologise or say hey I realise I want you and am willing to change! Any thoughts??

PS needless to say I took his presents back or sold them on ebay and actually made more money than I spent !!!! So Cheers EUM

Well I got my Merry Christmas text after 35 days of no contact. At first it caught me off guard and it felt like I could not breath and I almost picked up the phone a texted a Merry Christmas back… then I caught myself and took a deep breath then took a shower….and my common sense started to return. I soon realized that his text was just a fishing trip like throwing a little bait out to see if I would take him up on it. A real man would have at least picked up the phone for a try at speaking to me. The text is so cowardly and he was probably with someone else for all I know.

Because he is such a EUM he is probably spending the holiday by himself and needed a little stroking from those of us who are so willing to do so. If I would have texted back he would not have felt so alone he would have thought I was still thinking about him he would have walked around all day with a smile on his face….he would think that I carry my phone around in hopes of hearing from him still. I would be the one wishing all day long that I had not been so weak to have fallen for the bait….ruining yet another holiday.

Instead I put my self together and feel smarter for not having fallen for his 1/2 hearted attempt at reaching me.

Let him think that perhaps I am with someone worthy of me…for if he would have treated me better he never would have to wonder about me being with someone else.

Happy Holidays to ALL

Hello, all.

Received my Merry Christmas text contact from my EUM about an hour ago – after 4 weeks of NC. I had (and have) no intention of responding – but I was feeling pretty down. I checked out this site immediately – thanks for the 10 Survival Tips – nice to have a bit of reinforcement.

Best wishes for a heart-healthy 2009 to all!

We have one more holiday to go……..ugh.

Thanks for the article. It’s a gem. However it came one ‘Merry Xmas’ text too late. And yes, I’ve been a puddle of self esteem since then.

Now I know to always read baggagereclaim before texting, dialing, or emailing.

Astelle I haven’t had any presents off him however I went out with a couple of mates last night and he was in the same pub. As he was leaving he said your pressie in in our mams house (he lives with his mam). I just said WHAT???!

Then I got a text saying your pressie is in our mams house. This is obviously because I never gave him the response he wanted when he spoke to me.

I text back saying there ain’t no pressie. This is after a week of No contact. I was drunk and should have thought better.

Then very late on say 2am this morning he texted asking if I was in a certain nightclub. I again stupidly text back saying no I was at a party. He can’t of got the desired effect to his booty call. So he text me saying ok f**k off then!!!!! I text saying whatever ha ha ha have a good night. I know what you are all thinking I shouldn’t of text especially after a week of no contact and I feel so stupid today for doing it.

Then an hour ago he preceeded to send me all the texts I sent him last night. I can’t work him out he is very strange. I text saying what are you doing sending me all the texts. But he is an EUM and I don’t think that can ever be fathomed out.

I am so mad with myself though now and I am dying to send him a text asking what he is playing at but I never get any answer out of him when I start aksing questions about where its going so I have to sit on hands for now.

oh dear oh dear..this is a good post, I literally just came back to it to try and get a hold of myself and remind myself why I am not to write him..
Been with NC for 3 months now, and managed to stay away from getting in touch for his birthday and for christmas (both in the same week), but I feel i’m weakening a bit. I know it’s stupid and i’m the one who started nc but the fact that he’s not trying to get in touch with me is driving me crazy. How insane is that? Aaarrgh

As I’m going through a seperation into a divorce things are sticky as he’s helping with maintenance and rent till I get on my feet; he also “wants to be friends” but he’s already coming round to the house with fresh hickeys and scratches…seems he’s found a hew girlfriend (to replace the last four/five/six he’s had even before I kicked him out). I’d love to have no contact whatsoever but since we have a son it isn’t so easy. I am however trying to figure out how to move on since he obviously has managed to do so. I guess we’ll see…but man if I didn’t have to see this man every week it would certainly help.

Oh my god my EUM is playing mind games now Xmas has been and gone and he hasn’t had to spend any money on me. Got a text a 1am this morning saying Hi Nat then the same text at 4am this morning. Just both fishing texts to see if I would rise to the bait and I didn’t reply. Now I have had a couple of texts and yesterday get this he sent me one saying he told his mate to take the sports car he bought me for Xmas back. He is claiming job seekers so I had to reply with “you can’t afford a sports car!” and he text back “or yes I can darl”. He reckons he has thousands in the bank that he can’t touch. His last two exes fleeced him of all his money and now I know why they did it! It is the only way to hurt him is to hit him where it hurts. His wallet! The last one left him with nothing took the lot and now he trying to sue her to get it back.
He thinks I will chase him if I think he has money but this is where me and his exes differ. I actually have a very good job, my own house, a car and now I have the sense to leave this sorry Mo Fo behind!!!!! hahahahahaha.

Nikki, good for you, now you can really move on and put this in your past!

i love this site i realise that i am not alone thankyou xxx

stay strong Karen i am going to make 2009 f@ckwIt free x

hey

Blueeyes, my ex-EUM said the EXACT same things right after our breakup. They say all of this while they’re rejecting you. I see now it’s just a way of keeping the door open as NML says for a yo-yo relationship, because they try to leave it with positive words in the hopes that in the future they can bounce back into your life for sex and ego strokes. It’s like these guys all went to a college on how to be ass clowns.

I should have known better. He played me right from the start. The lines and puppy dog lovey eyes and sob stories but I had an instant attraction for this man from the moment I layed eyes on him and my values and morals went right out of the window ( It was and still is a chemical attraction and that is why I am having a very hard time.) you would think that a 53 year old would have his life together wouldnt you. now he is with someone new again and will add another victim to his list. I am entertaining the thought of warning her of his past. but then that just adds MORE drama to my life. doesnt it? oh yeah another one of his famous lines now is “time will tell” and” also I just need more space” whats that mean!!!!!

Here is something I have found about the no contact rule. I hope it helps others as much as me.

So, you’ve had your heart broken, probably begged and tried to convince your ex to get back together with you and failed. Realising that staying in contact is causing you more pain than you can handle, you take the step of implementing this ‘No Contact’ (NC) that we advocate widely on the forum.

So what’s it about then? And what is going to happen?

Hopefully, most of the answers will be in this thread What is No Contact?

While a seemingly simple question, there are variations of what ‘No Contact’ can mean.

1) You tell your ex that you won’t be contacting them and that they shouldn’t contact you.
2) You don’t tell your ex anything, and just drop off the face of the Earth.
3) You don’t tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply. (potentially damaging)

In my opinion, the most effective forms of NC are 1 and 2. They allow you to heal, as the ex isn’t given any way of providing you with hope (bait) or potentially emotionally damaging information (who wants to hear how great their life is without you?)

When starting NC, it is up to you what you want to say to your ex. Most people seem to say something along the lines of “Don’t call me unless you change your mind and want to give us another try”. It might also help to let them know that the window of opportunity to reconcile (from your perspective) will not be open forever.

You also may want to tell the ex why your cutting them out of your life – tell them it is so you can heal and move on. And in reality that IS why you’re doing it……

Why implement No Contact?

First and foremost, you are removing the source of your pain (your ex) from your life. If they aren’t in your life, they cannot hurt you – it’s as simple as that. And while the loss of the ex from your life in itself is painful, the benefits far outweigh the initial emotional turmoil.
No Contact allows you to get back on your feet and start to feel confident in who you are again. Remember a time when you were single and happy? Well No Contact is going to put you on the road to getting back to that point.
Some may be reluctant to take steps to regain independence, but you are useless to anyone (including your ex if they want you back) if you are unable to be happy with yourself.

No Contact can also serve another purpose, and this is the one that (if you are seeking reconciliation) will probably be used by you as inspiration to keep strong in avoiding picking up that phone or sending that email.
And that is of course, to send your ex a wake-up call and perhaps make them second-guess their decision to end the relationship.

Will No Contact bring my ex back?

Perhaps, perhaps not. There is no fool-proof way to get your ex back…if there were, we would all be using it and would all have our exes back.

There has to be some desire to reconcile inside your ex – NC will not create that desire, but it may certainly bring any underlying doubts they have to the surface. That does not mean that your ex will act on these doubts…but you can be certain that NC will at the very least make them realise just what life without you is like.

Will my ex miss me?

To be honest, it shouldn’t matter – you should be doing NC for YOU. Having said that, it is always easier to stay focussed on maintaining NC if you know that it is having at least some effect on your ex.
So, will they miss you? In most cases (unless you have become a thorn in their side), yes – absolutely.
For those who have exes that want to remain friends: Why do you think that is?
It’s because they want you in their life. Exes very rarely stay friends…so in effect, when an ex asks to stay friends they are essentially saying “I still want you in my life”.
They are not ready to let you go (yet), so by implementing NC you are forcing them to lose you right then and there. NC prevents the ex from using you to cushion the blow of the break-up….by weaning themselves off you slowly.
Without NC you can be certain that once your ex is back on their feet emotionally (helped there by you), that the ‘friendship’ that seemed so important to them at the time will be non-existent.
No Contact is a far better option than staying friends. Being friends causes you pain and allows your ex to heal quicker. NC causes your ex pain and allows you to heal quicker

Not exactly rocket science, huh?

When should I implement No Contact?

ASAP but you must be certain that you can stay strong and stick to it. NC isn’t a decision that should be reversed until you are completely healed. If you keep implementing NC and then breaking it, it sends a message to your ex that you are needy and haven’t got the strength or the conviction to follow through on your commitments. Using NC without being genuinely committed to it is a recipe for disaster – you will break it and look weak. And you if you try to use NC again, your ex will not be too bothered….because “You said that last time”.

That’s why NC should not be used as a ‘shock tactic’ – don’t expect to implement NC and for your ex to come running back to you in a week or even a month. If you use NC, you have to be in it for the long haul.

Will No Contact push my ex away?

If there is hope for your relationship, then no it won’t – it will make your ex think about their decision.
After a few weeks of NC, you’ll probably get worried and start deluding yourself with thoughts like “Maybe they’ve forgotten about me…and maybe they think I don’t still love them”.
If that’s the way you’re thinking, then how about considering this: If you have NC with your ex for a few weeks and then contact them to tell you that you still care…what message does that send?
It says to your ex “I implemented NC to move on and heal…and now 3 weeks down the track I haven’t moved on or healed at all.”
The ex will again know that they can still have you if they want you…and even if they don’t hear from you for another few weeks, they won’t be overly concerned – the last few weeks hadn’t diminished your feelings, so why would the ex think the next few will?
Not a bad little (HUGE) security boost for the ex there, huh? Not to mention a huge step backwards for your good self.

How long will I keep hurting?

For as long as you allow yourself to. Remember, the ex is now out of your life – they cannot hurt you. So if you’re still feeling pain it is coming from within you – not from them.
It is perfectly normal to miss your ex, and by miss I mean that some days will be almost unbearable.
Go out, meet with friends (don’t talk about the ex!) or if it’s late at night think about the things you didn’t like about your ex…and even revisit arguments you may have had with them. If you have to think about your ex, think about the negatives.

Thinking about the good times is pointless – there is no possibility of having them back at the moment, and to dwell on what you once had is ultimately self-destructive.

Ideally, you should be doing your best to not think about your ex – do whatever it takes and keep busy. The less you think about them, the less you will hurt. Soon enough, not thinking about them will become normal.

What if the ex breaks NC and calls/emails me?

Two options: Respond or don’t respond.

If you have completely given up hope or don’t wish to reconcile with your ex – ignore the contact and keep ignoring any further attempts at contact. Easy.

If you are seeking reconciliation, then it depends on what the ex says when they contact you.
If they are calling for a ‘catch up’, politely tell your ex that you were serious about NC and that they must respect your decision. This call may come after a few days, a few weeks or a few months. Don’t get into any discussions about yourself and what you’re up to – keep it short, and make it clear to your ex that NC isn’t just a whim….you are serious about it. Remind them, if it comes up, that friendship is not an option.

Make it clear that you are respecting their decision to end the relationship, and now they have to respect your decision to end contact.
If you are seeking reconciliation, you also have every right to question your ex about their intentions if they contact you. Do so at the beginning of the interaction – there’s no point having a great conversation with the ex and getting your hopes up only to find out at the end of the call that nothing has changed. Save yourself the trouble and find out at the start – if their motivation for calling you is anything short of what you are after, terminate the conversation politely…but quickly.

Tips

Remove any photos and reminders you have of your ex from your life. Put them in a box and pack them away. You don’t need things like that preventing you from moving on.

Copy down your ex’s email address and phone numbers on a piece of paper, and put them in the same box. Then delete the email address from your computer and their numbers from your phone.

If you are strong enough to delete their contact details without writing them down, then do it! If not, do the above – it will remove the temptation to contact your ex (especially when you are out having a couple of drinks or at home alone in front of the pc ).

Stop talking about your ex with your friends. They’ll get sick of it, and it won’t help you one bit.

Wow, Astelle, you are on an abusive rampage tonight.

Blueyes, FYI she just tore out a new one for me in another forum.

NML, are there any rules of moderation in here, or are we to be subject to this sort of cruelty?

Blue Eyes,

We appreciate your input but I think your post may be more applicable to normal men. I think I read something very similar to what you wrote on Enotalone some time back.

What I have learned from this site is that we need to completely remove these men from our lives. Forever!!!!! They are selfish, toxic, emotionally abusive, deceitful, and a complete waste of time. There is no going back b/c nothing will ever change, the empty promises and excuses will continue and will make your life an emotional roller coaster. So yes, we must go NC for the sole purpose of healing and moving on, not for the possibility they will return.

Hey ladies: wow I woke up to some interesting posts this morning concerning the NCR post that I left last night. I am sorry that I posted it. I didnt write it but I kept it from a “breaking up site” from when we first broke up.(4 months ago) I should have re- read it before I posted it here. I do see that this is the only site that is helping me realize things.
I do see now and only this week actually that he will never change. I have spent hours reading posts here trying to convince my self of this and his behaviour at christmas just gave me my “lightbulb moment” to focus on just ending everything.
When we broke up though it was like I tried everything to get him to see the light NOT KNOWING that there was a label to him of EUM and that everything that I did was actually pointless. I tried a couple of times with the no contact rule but didnt work. This time I told him to NOT CALL, NOT TEXT AND NOT EMAIL ME. because I was not going to be his door mat or his other woman any longer. It should work this time. although my birthday is coming up and he may think that I would give in with that. I will have to be strong.

The concept of dropping off the face of the earth comes to my mind with the NC. No matter what they do – no matter what they say you give NO RESPONSE….period

And if you really want to FREAK yourself out do a little research on the personality of a narcissit. Every article that describes them suggests you run for your life for they are real vampires who will suck the life energy out of you.

By the way, I’ve Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback girl, all of her posts and I understand it all…but sometimes these men can tug on your heartstrings – I’m just glad I only spoke with him for a few days last week and didn’t see him or get anymore involved…but like Rachel says…they are like vampires…suck the life out of you!