Thank you for your responce and i also hope your feeling better.
I think you are right, everything that he has done since has also shown me he is quite controlling, manipulative and passive aggressive. At the time i didnt see it, i saw a person who had been hurt and seemed to have some self confidence and trust issues. Id been in that same boat and i thought, what would i like someone to do for me? So i chose to make adjustments to ease him through in the hope he would see i was loyal and trustworthy and move from there. I thought at the time he was a really nice guy so i thought he was worth some work on my behalf. Now of course,i look back and things look so differently to me. Now i realise i was just with a very emotionally unstable, insecure, confused, maniplutaive and controlling person. That the whole hot and cold thing was actually used as punishment and to box me in. It reminds me of a quote i read somewhere “evil comes in many forms and just when you think you know it, it changes shape” For me the bad boys in the past were very obvious, ive realised back then i was actually emotionally unavailable which is why i chose them. I thought i new what to look out for, i also new that i was really open to a real relationship which is what i thought he had on offer. I was wrong. I can only hope that me cutting contact and walking away altogether, after trying the frienship thing, has shown him that I DO have respect for myself and I WONT allow someone to treat me bad. Im very thankful for the NCR as it has given me freedom. My X has nothing on offer that i want, need or require. Which means im free, free just to continue to move on, heal and learn. The spell has been broken and i see him for exactly what he always was. I believe thats why he and other AC’s try to hold on, with friendship and keep you confused, its because they fear you seeing the truth, seeing them for what they really are which validates what they really think about themselves, that they are no good. Its hard to see that in a perpetual state of confusion and emotional upset. I think im doing extremely well after 3.5 months of NCR especially since i work with him

I’m still paying interest on that line too! My ex was really good at making me feel like I was the contolling one when he was renegotiating terms. The promise ring was just to keep me from seeing the real him. I fell for it! The promise ring was definitely not an investment with a return of an engagement ring. The return was an even bigger assclown.

I also bought (some really early red flags) – “my father told me he’d kick me out of the house if you broke up with me.” Oh well, I just have to move on. I deserve better than that!

Happy Valentine’s everyone!

My ex pulled this on me (after priming me for long term marriage discussions): “I just think we need to take a step back and reestablish a firm foundation of friendship before we proceed to the next level. I just love and respect you too much, and when we do take that plunge, I want it to last a lifetime…”

Oh..he was good…

I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. I’m still paying the interest on that one!

Excellent post!

My X partner used to do this weird very confusing thing where because he was quite jealous and possesive he would create all these expectations, rules on what we can and cant do. Id get use to doing things a certain way, or talking to certain people, not using facebook or what ever. Then slowly he would change the rules but not tell me about it. For instance start talking to a guy that i was not really aloud to talk to because he felt threatend and jealous or start using facebook. Then as you can imagine id get a bit confused and upset because what he had set up was now no longer happening and with out my knowledge and obviously the only dam reason i was doing it was to make him feel comfortable and hopefully he would be able to see that he could trust me. But heres the real kicker, because id be upset and confused he would then blame me and say that i was the one with control, jealousy and trust issues It was so confusing for me. Because he was setting and up and then changing the rules all the time with out my knowledge, it felt like lies, secrets or something odd? So his issues somehow became my issues:( If he had sat down and said, hey im starting to feel i can trust you more now and would like us to be able to use facebook or talk to as a certain person,then id would have been happy and actually excited that the ealtionship was growing and moving 4wards. It was almost like he wanted to be able to do things but didnt want me to? not sure?
As you readers already know my X was always blowing very extreme hot or very extreme cold. When i look back on my relationship with him, it was bloody horrible and difficult. 1.5 years together, 6 months parted and 3.5 months of NCR and i have no desire to go back in any capacity, friends aquantices, nothing. When he dumped me i felt like i was going to die and now im thankful he did Even at work now, i barely register he exists, im pretty proud of myself. This site has really helped me because you vaildated my feelings and helped me sort through the mess, confusion, the self blame and sheer anxiety left behind. He left with no real explanation and was happy to let me believe it was pretty much my fault.
As a footnote i no i did the wrong thing by pandering to his needs, isolating myself to a degree to make him feel more comfortable. At the time he seemed like such a lovely guy, who had been hurt and i new that he would eventually see that im a very loyal and trustworthy person and that we could then both together add new things to our realtionship to open it up to more trust.
Take care ladies xxxxxxx

If you meet someone, and get closer because of feelings, this has the makings of a decent to great episode of social recreation.

If you want something more, a shared life, a life partner – a mate, then you are looking at building a couple. And couples interact with their community. You will each, as a couple, be making choices and efforts outside the coupledom, because of being part of the couple – at work, shopping, at play, with friends, with family.

Selecting a mate has to take more into account. For one thing, you don’t just have to trust and respect him when he is with you – you have to be sure that he is competent, respectful – trustworthy, trusted, and respected – with those you know and those you meet.

One really big red flag is how he treats you with his friends and family – are you a visitor or a cherished guest? Are there indications he often has “dates” tagging along (! Might be a Perpetual Dater!), or does he have no friends or contact with family (! Might be *unable* to connect emotionally!) or pets? Is he proud of you, like a trophy of some kind (!), is he possessive that you don’t talk or contact anyone (! Isolation issue!), or is he genuinely making you and his relationship to you a part of his private and social life?

Do your friends find him substantial as a member of the community, does he have a life (do you?) socially and personally, outside the dating scene?

How he behaves with others doesn’t matter much between the sheets (or it gets really kinky really quick). But if you want someone for the long haul, then you need to know who he is and where you stand with him. One good way to do that is to find out where you stand when he is with friends, family, and community. Few people can sham and manipulate everyone, everywhere, and still seem genuine. That is the place, socially and within the community, to look for more red flags. Does he see a role for you in his life, or only in bed? Do you matter to him only skin to skin, or out in public, too?
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..tslr: Spouse choice, change, and surviving. =-.

I needed that above statement….thank you!
.-= funms-the rebirth´s last blog ..Love Lingerie?????? =-.

Excellent post. One quibble: The someone who comes along isn’t “better.” Often, it’s just someone “additional.” Or, someone with even lower expectations.
Thanks again for BR.