Comments on: The 10 Commandments of Breaking Up

By: Joe

Joe — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 19:53:20 +0000

I know most comments on here are from women, however I am a man who was dumped by my GF. The advice here has been very helpful as she has already gottern back with her ex and her I am missing her daily. Hopefully if I cut off all ties w/her things will get better.

By: Carol

Carol — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 13:44:05 +0000

Thank you so much for this site. Some of the comments make me laugh out loud. Although it he has deeply hurt me upon reading I confronted my EUM/compulsive liar, true to form he demoted me to friend that he spoke to ever day…with the promise, maybe we’d get back together in a couple of week. (control). I confronted him about his liars and things got nasty. I have stopped calling him etc and he hasn’t contacted me apart from txt to me to tell me I was ‘out of order’ and he never wants to hear from me again let alone see me. I am hurt and I have done the crying on the sofa stuff but hey! that feeling is passing. I think I more angry with myself to be honest .
So from now on I’m going to: ‘Get up…Dress up…Show up…
To all the lovely ladies that have had the experience of having an encounter with a passive aggressive/compulsive lying jerk…please please believe you have had a lucky escape…you are special so treat yourself thus…xxx

By: Roxanna

Roxanna — Thu, 14 May 2009 04:45:59 +0000

Deeeeeeeeeeyumm!!! about friggin time some smart ass woman got real about these assclowns!!!! …. THANK YOU, THANK YOU for this site!!!

By: Peaceatlast

Peaceatlast — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 02:44:09 +0000

Ladies……….I have been dealing with this issue for over two years. I have read every relationship book and blogged everywhere. A book that has been so much help to me is The Emotional Rape Syndrome , How to survive it and avoid it by Michael Fox. When you realize that you have been raped emotionally, not contacting the perpatrator makes so much sense. Rapists are very sick people whether they are plundering your body or your emotions ….they are sick and criminal in their spirits. The next woman they are with is experiencing the same issues. You have escaped. Your rapist is not better off without you but you are out of a prison he was creatring. We wish to return to our rapist in an attempt to heal the problems of that relationship. This is the ultimate denial. When you realize that you have been raped is the beginning of healing. Now is the time for healing to begin. God wants us to forgive but never to submit to evil! Run from evil!

By: The Ten Commandments of Coping With and Moving On After a Break Up Series : Baggage Reclaim - Dating, singles, relationships, sex tips and advice blog for men and women.

Tue, 27 May 2008 12:18:27 +0000

[...] done the 10 Commandments of Breaking Up but in ten posts I’m going to dig a bit deeper and apply my thoughts on breaking up and [...]

By: How do you heal a broken heart?

How do you heal a broken heart? — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 14:36:37 +0000

[...] Don’t forget to read the 10 Commandments of Breaking Up [...]

By: Helen

Helen — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 08:20:41 +0000

Thanks anything helps, just knowing other people are in similar situations.
Unfortunately I fell fo the whole ‘sorry’ thing AGAIN and now am back to square one. When will I learn.
I hope things are going ok for you with or without him!

By: Marie

Marie — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 00:45:16 +0000

Helen,
He is messing with your head when he says he misses you. Its just his way of checking in to see how you still feel about him, to re-energize his ego. It sounds like he really likes to get a reaction out of you, to give his ego a boos, with all the flirting in front of you and saying he was an idiot. If he really meant things truthfully, he wouldn’t set out to hurt you by flirting in your face. If you love someone, you respect them and don’t do hurtful things to them.
I understand where you are. My bf of 7 years finally decided that he is not sure he wants to commit to me. He says he fears being stuck with the same women (he was married for like 18 years) for most of his life and feels he missed out on the whole dating thing in his 20′s. So here I am, with this idea stuck in my head that he is the love of my life and that I want no one else ever. I’m a mess. Crying all the time and barely keeping it together at work. I too am cooped at home most of the time. And he wants to stay friends because “i could marry you” and “i want to retire with you”….so he keeps me as a ‘friend’ so he can keep tabs on my to make sure I am not seeing anyone, that I am still a mess. It’s only been 5 days, and i am slowly seeing that our entire relationship was about him all the time. I did everything for us….he only did for him.
I know you fear ‘defeat’ by leaving your job, but if you see it a different way, you are actually letting him win by letting him see how he affects you. How you realize you still love him and all the heartache you are feeling. If you leave for another job, maybe he will finally realize you are no longer tied to him (even if you are dying inside). I think we women, me included, have a way of making our men a priority, but are sometimes unlucky to have men who don’t do the same.
I am also trying to remind myself that I am better than this, that I deserve more, and remind myself I am worthy of a man who can give me all his attention and make me his priority. I am trying to find my self respect and that strength I used to have when I divorced. I survived and came out stronger. I hope my words help a little in your path to finding a way to cope and get away from him. Good luck to you Helen.

By: Helen

Helen — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 17:04:44 +0000

This advice is excellant and worked for me for a while when my ex was on holiday unfortunatly we happen to work together in a team, he’s close friends with most of my close friends and we also work with the girl that he dumped me for after 10 months even though they never got together. He is an attention seeking arsehole and I can recognise this after 4 months of being apart thank god. However I just cannot escape from him, he is there constantly reminding me of how much I loved him. It breaks my heart seeing him at work every week, and I’ve been thinking of leaving but feel that this would mean me admitting defeat and there’s no way i want to look like that.
What’s more is that since we broke up on at least 2 occassions he’s persuaded me that he’s sorry and was an idiot and will make it all up to me only to then blank me and flirt with everyone under the sun infront of me. I am past the stage of thinking how amazing it could have been and I know I do not need him, but I just cannot escape the heartache when I see him at work and he acts as if we’r best friends, complimenting me etc. whats more is that he is always telling me he misses me!
Any suggestions?!!

By: Baggage Reclaim - Dating, singles, relationships, sex tips and advice blog for men and women. » Advice: He had his dating profile active and we’re in a relationship

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 13:14:45 +0000

[...] reading: The 10 Commandments of Breaking Up and Why do men blow hot and [...]

By: QMO

QMO — Sun, 12 Aug 2007 10:21:05 +0000

My ex finished with me after 7 years over the phone at xmas and we were visiting rellies in the uk from NZ, i moved there to be with him but we’re both english. i felt like i had been hit by a freight train.we both returned to NZ and i moved out, but then a few weeks passed and we tried to give it another go, he would later tell me it was cos he felt guilty and worried about me. he told me he doesnt love me anymore and i should go home so i did and now im backin the UK. i feel so alone and im in pieces. i know he was a total w***r to be me but i still feel like i love and miss him. the last 7 months have been awful and he behaved so badly towards me.

i have very strong feelings of hate and love. i have had no contact for a week now and its killing me. i keep fantasising that he will come and get me or phone and say its all a mistake, but reality i know he wont.

im feeling overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, hurt. anger., confusion, lonliness and isolation. i want to be ok again, strong and can survive. please someone help me

By: Sweetgrass

Sweetgrass — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 20:57:35 +0000

wow! you are really strong. this is week four of NC with my Narcissist boyfriend. He dumped me. He moved on to someone else.

i keep thinking he is going to come back. even though i don’t think it will ever work between us???

i really miss him.

By: Kathy

Kathy — Sun, 13 May 2007 15:56:44 +0000

It’s been about three months since my ex and I broke up and it has been a really tough rollercoaster ride. It’s been painful, heartbreaking, emotional, confusing, hurtful, and I’ve cried my heart out. If I can give you any advise, it is to resist the urge to call him after you break up. Talking to him will just bring back old wounds and it will make it even harder for you to move on. And most of the time, because of all the emotion your still feeling, it will make you feel worse after you speak to him, and you might even say stuff to each other that you will regret. It was hard to break off the contact with him because I wanted nothing more than to talk to him and see him, but it also hurt a lot when we spoke to each other because we were still emotional, angry, hurt, upset and missing each other.

He has been so hot and cold to me since we broke up – there were times when he would confess how much he still loved me and wanted to be with me, and other times when he would call me names, argue with me, tell me to leave him alone, that he didn’t want to know me any more, and that he was enjoying his life without me.

It was really hard to break off the contact with him because it only ever lasted a couple of weeks (max) before I would give in and call him to confess to him how much I missed him. There were times when we were really close to getting back together and my hopes would build up, until we started arguing again.

A couple of days ago I confessed to my friends how much I still loved him and that I wanted him back, and then I got a phonecall that afternoon from him (I was so excited when my phone rang, I couldn’t wait to talk to him!!) – only to have him tell me that he wants to let me know that he has moved on from me and is enjoying his life and doesn’t want me in it. My heart nearly stopped in its tracks you can imagine. I was shattered. I couldn’t believe he was telling me he has moved on, while in my mind I wanted to get back with him.

Here’s the thing though – I really needed that wakeup call because it wasn’t ever going to work out anyway. There is a reason why we broke up and a reason why we had so much conflict. The damage is done and there is no use building your hopes up that he is going to run back to you and confess that he can’t live or breathe without you – the hard truth is that that is not going to happen. In time you will both be over each other, whether it’s you or him who gets over it first. We might have shared some good times but in the end the relationship broke down.

I still think of him a lot, but now I have realised that we are really over and I need to get on with my life, and that there is something much better out there for me. We know how much it hurts to go through a breakup, and we know just how painful it is and how much it sucks – but it is something we have to go through in order to move on.

Give yourself some quality you time, and dedicate the next few months to you and spending time with those who really do love and care for you (your family, your friends) and make the effort to go out and meet other people. Whatever you do don’t stay cooped up inside sulking over a block of chocolate, cos I guantee you, he’s not. Start doing the things you love, and write up a list of all the positive things you have in your life now. And if all your doing is thinking about all the good qualities he had and all the things you missed about him, write out what they are and then next to that list write out all the things that you couldnt stand about him, all his bad qualities and bad habits and all the things he has done to hurt you. You will find the list will be huge, so you can thank your lucky stars that you don’t have to put up with all that from him EVER AGAIN!! You really do deserve so much better! As for the list of good things, you will find you will be able to replace most of those qualities with things/people you already have in your life (like the friends and family you have who already love you to death), or some other lucky person who you will meet in the future! Most of the time it’s the companionship and love that we miss the most, but just remember he can’t give you that any more and you can get that from your family and friends. More importantly, you can get all that from yourself. Build up your confidence and self esteem and know that you can love yourself enough, and you don’t need a man for that.

Just remember to smile and always look on the brightside. In a few months or a years time you’ll look back and go: What the hell was I worried about!!

Cheer up girl, it will only get better…the bad times are over

By: Coldfire

Coldfire — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 20:13:55 +0000

Lindsey, be grateful he did it in person. Most can’t be bothered. It has nothing to do with being “unlovable”, either. You’re both young and young people, especially males, need to date and have relationships with many different people before they figure out what they want. The problems come when one person is changing faster than the other, as in the case of your boyfriend. From what you wrote, I can tell he really does care about you (hence his breaking up face-to-face) and wants the best for you, so that’s why he let you go. Yes, it hurts, but try to respect his honesty and integrity in the way he handled the situation.

By: Lindsey

Lindsey — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 03:37:27 +0000

My boyfriend of six months just broke up with me. It was a long distance relationship and we are both in school so it got too hard for him. He never really let me know that it was a big problem and then he came to see me one weekend and right in the middle of the weekend he drops the bomb. All of a sudden. He said that after this conversation he had to leave. We talked all night and decided to restructure our relationship and make it lighter because of school and distance. We decided to talk once a day at night. Then he coldly left and said he would call but he has not called since and it has been five days. My boyfriend and my best friend is gone. We were going to be together forever. Now I am lost. I love him so much but even if he came back I can never trust him because of the way he hurt me. I realize that I will never find someone who fits like us…why doesnt he see that? Is it his age? Is he just being selfish and thinking about school? I feel so unlovable…like I am not worth it or I am bad at relationships.