The Art of the Pick-up

I’m not entirely sure of what goes through women’s heads when they are approached for a date or more, but men actually have a lot more on their minds than may be evident at first glance.

Unless a guy is overly confident he wonders whether or not he’s going to be rejected.  Fear of rejection would probably be the number one reason why a man doesn’t go up to a woman and ask for her number or a date.  From our perspective it’s a crap shoot.  In most situations a man has to do the equivalent of a “cold call”.   I’ll explain.

As a salesperson sometimes you have to call people in an attempt to sell your products and services without any prior knowledge of the contact’s interests.  That’s what men have to do.  Unless there’s some initial flirting or signalling, we approach a woman whom we are attracted to and have no idea what her response will be to our advances.  She could be flattered, disgusted, or anything in between. 

The funny thing is that, what’s even scarier than rejection is acceptance.  Why?  Because an initial acceptance could lead to an ever bigger, more personal rejection later on in the relationship. 

When I was a young teenager I wanted a girlfriend.  I wasn’t exactly sure why but I did.  So I asked several girls if they wanted to go “out”.  Due to my unpopularity I was often greeted by rejection out-of-hand.  As I got older I came to accept that I was not appealing to the opposite sex but, because I wanted to believe that it was the world’s fault and not some fatal flaw in me, I continued to seek out dates.  Each rejection was an affirmation of the fact that I was doing all that I could to change my situation but external circumstances continued to force me to be alone.  So my loneliness was completely out-of-my-hands and that gave me a sense of self-righteousness that filled the void of a relationship.  While I’ve matured and grown past this belief it sometimes pokes at me from the back of my head when I’m unsuccessful at getting something as simple as a coffee date or a phone number. 

Over the years I’ve found some ways to increase my chances of getting a positive response and reduce my chances of coming up “snake eyes”.  These are not hard and fast rules but more like guidelines.

1) Wait for, at least, light feedback.  If you are looking at a woman across the bar and she sees you and looks away don’t do anything.  There’s no indication of interest and any woman who won’t at least flirt from across a bar is probably not interested.

2) Make eye contact but don’t be overbearing.  Almost any human interaction seems more personal, more sincere and more intimate if there is a reasonable amount of eye contact.  Woman’s defences are softened by honest eyes.  Some even believe that eyes are the windows to the soul so don’t keep your drapes shut.

3) Goal number three should be to make her laugh not swoon.  Now this is where I used to make mistakes.  I thought by being super-macho that I could win over fair maiden but when we, as men, approach the pick-up as a competition women sense that our approach is insincere, at best, or objectifying, at worst.  Because an initial meeting is loaded with non-verbal signals and communication you have to make the most of your verbal choices or she could lose interest fast.   Enter humour into the picture.  People like to laugh and it forges an instant bond even between strangers if humour is wielded properly.  So try and make her laugh but don’t try too hard.  Desperation is NOT sexy.

4) For God sake, be an active listener.  If I can trace back some of my friend’s most memorable and catastrophic pick-up failures, it would be directly connected to lacklustre listening.  Here’s the deal, women want to feel like the centre of the world for that moment in time when you first meet her.  If you are half listening, looking at other women with larger cleavage, or more interested in downing ale I can assure you she’ll feel second fiddle to whatever is distracting you and you will get no traction with her.  Dis-traction leads to no interest traction. 

5) Keep the compliments light.  This one is counter-intuitive.  Most men believe they should slather on the praise and the more they give the more they’ll get (if you catch my meaning).  However too much of a good thing is a bad thing and, once again, the spectre of insincerity will rear its ugly head.  So it is advisable to just give a sincere, honest compliment about a non-erogenous zone area and listen for opportunities in the conversation to drop more naturally.  Making a good conversation flow can make her flow (if you get my drift)!

6) Don’t forget to be assertive.  Here the hint guys.  Be assertive NOT aggressive.  I will illustrate the difference.

Assertive: Asking for her number after you’ve talked for 10 to 20 minutes so that you can get together for coffee when it’s convenient for her.  It shows her that you are not only interested but that you are also willing to be proactive.

Aggressive: After 2 minutes asking for a three-way with her and the friends she’s hanging out with.  This is troublesome because even, on the off chance that’s what she’s into, you need enough time to assess if she’s really what you want.  Flirting is just as much for us as it is for them. 

Picking-up up a woman is hard.  Each person is a unique set of characteristics and personality quirks.  However keeping this list of do’s and don’ts handy will, at least, give you a fighting chance.

This post was contributed by Special Dark.

A selection of posts

• Link Love
• The Power of a Smile
• Vixen’s Guide to: Public Displays of Affection.
• How to convince a Modern Woman you’re a ‘New Man’
• ‘Casual’ is a Bad Word When Uttered by Women - Apparently
• Phrases Feared by Men - Well If You Don’t Know??
• Losing Interest After First Date Sex
• Get Voting for Baggage Reclaim!
• The Sex Break
• Vixen’s Guide to: Going Down On a Woman

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