Guest Post: The ‘C’ Word: Closure
July 30, 2008 by Cheekie
In a guest post from the wonderful Cheekie, she explains how taking control of the drama when she was recently faced with seeing her ex has been liberating…
CLOSURE.
The biggie. The one we all strive, cry, yearn, wheedle and whine for.
Be it a long term relationship that went south or a Mr Unavailable that disappeared. We need it.
And sometimes, as strong as we may be (or think we are) we can’t always get that final nail in that coffin of a relationship without some kind of catalyst.
So, what happens when you are faced with the devil himself, the man that has tormented your thoughts for years? Does the very thought of running into him send your heart racing and your stomach flipflopping?
Of course it does, that’s natural. Completely normal and to be expected.
We don’t have control over what they might say or do, and that kills us.
We want apologies, we won’t get them.
We want regretful phrases to pour out of them; not bloody likely.
We want to see the pain and agony in their eyes; probably not gonna happen either.
We want their undying declaration of love…uh huh, movies ladies, only in movies.
So. How do you handle seeing your ex again? You know it will happen eventually. You will be minding your own business and bam, there he is.
Now you could get yourself all anxious, wound right up, or….
NOT.
Seriously.
This happened to me just a couple of days ago.
My ex bf, whom I haven’t seen in 2 years, after spending 5 yrs together.
After he knew and lived with my son and I.
After he was one of the people with which my son learned his first words with.
He was ‘the one’.
Very rocky relationship, plagued with drama and angst, and many many issues.
But, also a lot of love and kindness. And fun. And damn hot sex.
But the bad started to out weigh the fun. It got really bad.
It ended in a flaming ball of what can only be described as poo.
That was the last time I saw his face.
Right at the poo moment.
Broke my heart into a million little pieces.
All that love, wasted. All that angst, for naught.
All that hope, potential, lust…for nothing.
So, yes, when I heard that I might be seeing him due to work related stuff, I freaked right out. I was in quite a state. It carried through for days, affected a lot of things in my life, this panic of mine. Stupid panic. I let it get to me, and it was far from healthy.
So, imagine my surprise when I was told that indeed, Monday would be the day that I would see him.
Initially, I felt that panic start. My neck. Tight as a duck’s arse.
My head racing.
‘Will he ignore me?’
‘Should I ignore him?’
‘Should I yell?’
Many scenarios raced at lightening speed.
Then I stopped.
I took a deep breath. A big big big one.
I tried to think of a positive spin, because there was no way to avoid the situation. I knew more drama would make it worse, make the pain come back. It would re-open wounds that have taken 2 years of healing.
Mostly, I was afraid I was going to want him again. I was afraid of MY reaction, not his and what kind of inner turmoil it would cause.
All this over a guy that I had loved, still love, and always will. (doesn’t mean we should be together though, and trust me, I am a huge romantic)
He meant the world to me.
So, with that in mind, I decided…
It Would Be Nice To See Him.
Yup. You heard right.
I started to think about how first and foremost, I needed to be ok with this, and not worry about him and his feelings or reactions.
And, this is someone I cared about, not the enemy; I had to take away some of that power. He isn’t the enemy. He was just as freaked as I was I’m sure, worried about my reaction, what I would say or do. And I had to see him that way, as human.
So, when he walked in and smiled at me. I smiled back.
We chatted. My heart lurched a bit at hearing his voice, seeing that face, seeing all the things I had missed. But, it wasn’t all panicky, I was in CONTROL of myself.
And you know what? He wasn’t the enemy, he didn’t have any more power over me, and most importantly,
it took the anxiety out of the situation. Just that little positive spin in my head took out all the drama. The drama so many of us mistake for passion.
And you know what else? He offered to give me a lift home, which I accepted. And I remember, sitting there in the car thinking ‘Wow. This isn’t horrible. This isn’t tense. This is over.’ And I looked over at him a few times, and without that anxiety and drama, the love was still there, but the desperate need for his acceptance and love was gone. It had disappeared with it’s nasty little neurotic friends.
I am not going to lie to you, I have had a couple of emotional moments over the past few days since seeing him. It’s kind of a purge I think. All these years of trying to heal myself, trying to forget him. It was and is a release. Just as a healing wound can hurt and itch before it is gone.
Could I have done this on my own, even if I didn’t see him?
Yes, I believe I could, if I had only known what I am telling you now.
Take away the drama, take away the anxiety, take away the need to feel loved by someone it will never work with.
You will find all that’s left is the truth.
It’s over.
xoxo
Cheekie
Cheekie is a regular contributor to Baggage Reclaim. She’s a 30-ish single cheeky chick, just wandering her way through the dating forest and trying to leave as many bread crumbs as possible….
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I loved this post! It is amazing how rational we can be when we listen to ourselves. I broke up with my ex fiance more than 5 years ago and chased him for closure. Thankfully I saw sense after a few months because I could literally have died waiting. When we end up having to see each other, I felt very nervous and then suddenly a voice said ‘What the f have you got to be nervous about?’ I didn’t want him, he didn’t scare me, and what’s the worst that could happen? He’d ignore me? Unbloody likely because these guys are petrified of ‘looking bad’. So I took a deep breath and walked out to say hello and as I walked towards him I realised the drama and anxiety I had just experienced and also over the previous few months was of my own creation. I didn’t feel anything for him and actually, I suddenly felt very sorry for him. Closure is what you make it, much like drama. It’s yours to control and I’m proud of you for how you handled your ‘bidness’
xxx
Ps you put this post in draft you nutter so I found it totally by accident!
Trying to get closure has always obsessed me and is such a waste of time.
It’s still wanting things from HIM, still caring how HE thinks, and totally not about letting go and taking care of myself.
I hope that everything I am learning here I can put into practice when I meet someone new.
On the other hand, I’m going to focus on attracting a man who mirrors my own healthy self-esteem and I don’t have to worry about how to let go of him because he won’t be acting like an assclown
Yay for you, cheekie!
Sounds really positive.
How will I ever get to that point? Can you offer me advice.
Spent nearly 20 years with my ex. Spilt 2 years ago & remained friendly until he met a new partner and started acting arrogant, saying hurtful things, both of them announcing it all over facebook. EG ‘He says happier in first month of new relationship than whole time we were together’!!!
The odds on it are highly unlikely i know but its made me mad, and I want closure. To avoid my head literally exploding, together with my heart I have had no contact in 2 weeks. (First time in nearly 20years!)
I ended the relationship and it took him 2 years to get over it. I have a new partner. The house, career, whilst shes still living with parents, etc etc . All the balls seem to be in my court yet I cant cope without the closure. I gave that man nearly 20years of my life and hes treating her better in 1 month! ADVICE MY FELLOW RECLAIMERS?
Good for you, Cheekie. I might not have to see my EUM ever again since we now live in different states, but if I do, I hope I react just the way you did.
Tina - I’m so sorry, girl. First, here’s a big hug from me. I’ll let other more experienced people offer you solid advice, but just know that I (and others here) are rooting for you. Don’t let that assclown get the better of you! You know, he probably treats that new girl the SAME way he treated you. Or if he doesn’t, he will eventually. You should feel sorry for her.
Cheekie…You rock. Hard. I’m so proud of you! What a break through huh? Very empowering when you realize the power and the control over how you feel and react is completely within you!
Tina…leopards don’t change their spots overnight sweetie. Just because he’s saying it’s wonderful, doesn’t mean it is. Just because you think he’s treating her better, doesn’t mean he is. Concentrate on you. Make you happy. Love you. That’s the beginning. The rest will come. Good luck!
Amy and lisaq….. Thanks soooo much for your lovely kind words. My self esteem and confidence have been eroded by this bloke. Sometimes I cant think straight but you have both reminded me of the same fact - he will be the same with her as me. The dark cloud of depression sometimes stops me seeing sense and I forget who I am.
I was a loving caring partner, always put him first. I was the breadwinner, the housemaker and his social secretary. He wanted kids so I asked him to grow up, become more responsible. He said he couldnt so I started to put myself first. That finally led to our split!
Now he says he doesnt have to be responsible cos his new women is laid back and doesnt care if hes overdrawn at the bank etc (she lives with her parents in her 30s!!!!). He said we lived in eachothers pockets!!!! We were together for 20years, mortgage, marriage etc. What did he expect!?! Please tell me I’m not going mad. I feel so sensitive I’ve lost my ability to rationalise.
Thanks for the yay for me’s! It certainly did feel good and still does.
Of course you have to remember that it is still hard, it still hurts and I still love him.
But, the closure part is the real, final clarity of knowing, KNOWING, that there isn’t any hope/desire left for a relationship with this man.
My biggest accomplishment was letting go of my ego, my pride, and realizing that those two things were and are the biggest obstacle in letting go of someone.
Or something. Even if it never existed the way I wanted it to. So, it came down to expectations as well, and realizing that I wasn’t fair. To him or myself.
Pride has a funny way of getting in our way. Our ego’s hate to be wrong, they hate the even slight chance of being made a fool of. We cannot stand to think that someone is happier and better off without us, for whatever reason. Once you let go of that, and start to move past that you can see things truthfully and clearly.
Not everyone is meant to be together. You could be the most perfect person in the world, do everything for your partner, be everything - but it doesn’t matter.
And, such as Tina’s case , which I have been through myself btw, for 12 yrs and I broke up my marriage too - it was pride that caused any issues after he found someone else - even though I was with someone else too. I didn’t want him, but was hurt when someone else did. Weird, but the ego is a very weird thing…it can be ridiculously irrational at times.
All I need to remember is that I chose this path, and I chose to end it.
I cannot begrudge anyone else for doing the same.
I feel your pain, all of you, and wish you luck.. I am no expert, but I hope that my little story helped in some way…
Kudos to you Cheekie for surviving this. You are fortunate to have fair warning. In my two encounters with two ex-boyfriends, I did not have the benefit of forewarning. However,my dearly departed grandma taught me how to have grace under fire and to be gracious to those who have harmed you. A few years ago I bumped into my former EUM , in the hotel parking lot where I worked, a man who not only I drove 31/2 hours to Miami for twice month, but also lied habitually and cheated on me. We chatted, he apologized for how things went down five years ago. I was gracious enough to offer to meet with him for a drink the next time he was in town, even though he knew I worked at this hotel and had been in town several days without a word. Funny how God plays tricks on the deceitful. Any way we parted amicably and I was glad to close the book as well. The following year he phoned me on a weekend and left me a voice mail that he would be in town the following week and maybe we could meet for a drink. Unfortunately, I was out of town with limited cell service and couldn’t return his call and could only listen to my messages. He later called again and canceled by voice mail saying he would be too busy and would call me if he could make it. Thank you Lord, I whispered, I felt no need to return a call as he said he would call me. To this day I have not spoken to him since and that has been three years.
Now I see bumping into my ex clowns as no big deal, on another encounter with an ex from a disaster relationship, this guy laughed like an idiot the entire time I was speaking to a mutual friend standing next to him. He looked a like a fool, I guess he was so embarrassed and surprised to see me all he couldn’t speak all he could do is laugh and grin like a idiot. So girls keep your heads up, it all works in your favor. They know what they have done and you looking, feeling, and acting well is the best come back.