It’s bad enough to lose someone you care about. The end of a relationship is emotionally draining, psychologically exhausting, and generally takes it all out of you. So, compound the stress of a breakup with the unthinkable, and you have what I will hence forth refer to as TUB (The Ultimate Betrayal).
I have ranted and raved about the evils of the female species, the undeniable ability of woman to sell her sister down the stream for a bit of security or a piece of ass. You have read my ‘what to do to be a good friend and what not to do if you want anyone to trust you again’. Well, I held back on what I consider the coup de grace. (That’s the correct spelling of the oft butchered coup de gras.) When your friend goes after your ex.
Now, I’m not talking about wanting to date someone that you dated years ago when you had braces and rocked out to NKOTB. I’m not talking about wanting to date someone that you hooked up with at some party on a night that you came home without your panties and with someone else’s shirt on. I’m talking about when, days, weeks, a month after a breakup, your ex and your “friend” decide to pursue a relationship. This is the TUB. This is what separates the friends from the women to avoid like the plague. And this is where my diatribe really begins.
I was watching Oprah last week, and she was doing a special on these women whose best friends were having affairs with their husbands. The first thing the therapist said to these wives was, “This woman is not your friend. You are wrong in referring to her that way. If she were really your friend, you wouldn’t be here.” All I could think was Amen!! Now, going after your “friend’s” ex is not even in the same league as sleeping with your “friend’s” husband, but the principle remains the same. Chicks before dicks. It’s crude, but it’s accurate.
I’d like to take a moment and say that the ex in this situation is equally at fault, knowing what his actions will result in, but men are complete morons who think with one organ and as your ex, he is technically no longer obligated to you. Your “friend” is still obligated to you. You two didn’t break up. She doesn’t have a penis. She should have enough blood in her body to run her brain.
Back on track, and because I like lists, here are the ways in which TUB becomes even worse:
1. She barely knows him. You two have an established relationship. You have been there for her in her hard times. You have loved her through her breakups. You have been her ear to listen and her shoulder to cry on. He’s just some guy you dated that she’s casually met a few times. And she still chooses him.
2. You told her it was not okay. She confessed to you that they have been talking about dating, that she’s going to see him, and that they are going to start having a relationship. You let her know that it will break your heart, that it will ruin your friendship, and that you really wish she wouldn’t do this so soon. And she does it anyway.
3. She tells you she’s “confused.” She’s just so torn up between loyalty and lust. She can’t imagine how to make such a difficult decision between your friendship and his bed. (A bed which she knows you were in a week ago.) How ever will she make such a complicated decision? Here’s a news flash. If you’re “confused,” you’ve already made your decision. And it’s not the friendship.
4. She rubs it in your face. She begins making excuses for the fact that the two of you didn’t work out. “You’re just in different places. He only said he loved you because he was lonely. You two just never connected the right way. He knows he made a mistake by being with you.” I’d keep typing this, but I may have to go be sick.
5. She expects your other friends to support her decision. It’s one thing to betray a friend, but to expect that all of your friends will have your back when you have clearly hurt another is even more selfish that wanting to replace a friendship with a temporary body.
I’ll close with an anecdote. In my mother’s circle of friends there are about 6 main women. They raised their children together, ran fairs together, shopped together, vacationed together, and would have laid in front of a bus for any of the others. However, when one woman (divorced) began to date the ex-husband of another member of the group, the dynamic changed forever. Trust was lost not just between the two women, but throughout the whole group. It destroyed years of relationships. And for nothing.
Moral of the story: There are 6 billion people in the world. Half of them are men. Find one that hasn’t been with your friend. And for the love of Pete, respect yourself enough to respect other women. You know what they say about karma.
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{ 6 comments }
i find your choice of titles interesting.
reminds me of COO DER GRAW.
It is the same for men.
One of the first things I learned when I was a pledge in my fraternity was Bros Before Hoes
Hrm.
As far as betrayals go, the term “Ultimate” seems a bit on the generous side. Judas, Brutus… and some gal who likes a guy you used to date?
I mean, she didn’t steal him from you, as far as I can gather. And she didn’t try to hide it from you, either. In fact, she even came to talk to you about it, which is more than she righfully owed you. So…
To be honest, this seems turned-around to me. Seems to me like you dated a dude, and it didn’t work out for whatever reason, so he became open game. She liked him, she even respected you enough to talk to you about it, and instead of accepting that your chance with the dude hadn’t worked out and that her feelings for him were as valid as your own, you outright forbade her to pursue somebody she liked because you couldn’t get over yourself.
And then you turned around and blasted her on a public forum, intimating that she was a slut.
And all over a dude who doesn’t want to be with you.
So… what were you saying about chicks before dicks, again?
I understand you so well!
And I agree with you completely..
Some people just don’t get it. They say ‘An ex is an EX – you nolonger own him. He’s open game! Let your friend have him!’
Why can’t they see that there’s a major conflict of interest when one friend is crying over her lost love while the other is deliriously over the moon for the same guy?
“I miss him so much. It breaks my heart to wonder what he might be doing with his new girlfriend!”
“You don’t have to wonder. I can give you the details, if that’ll make you feel better. Let me see.. Yesterday, we went apartment shopping, he told me he loved me, um.. What else?”
HAHA
I love that jeremy, a man, commented on this.
The reason of course is probably because it hasn’t happend to you.
Or you wanted an ex-girlfriend’s friend.
either way, you are so mistaken.
I will give you this, all relationships are different.
So, you are right in saying that in SOME cases, it is acceptable to date an ex.
BUT
if she claims to be the woman’s friend
you have to find out FROM HER that it would not hurt her for you to date him.
Humans are Humans, letting go is difficult.
No it is not difficult for everyone, but if she really was her friend, she would know if she let go or not. wouldnt she?
So basically,
ex dating is okay in certain situations
but over all, its betrayal.
there are plenty of people in the world
if you’re too lazy to find them, so lazy in fact you just take the leftovers of your friend
then you deserve to be dropped by your circle until you figure out for yourself why he was an ex to begin with
but still
you may not be taken back by your friends
karmas a bitch.
I agree with this is pretty much one of the Ultimate betrayals a friend can do. I recently had this happen to me, my best friend, we called ourselves twins we were so alike. I went away on a holiday I had booked before I met my boyfriend and she swooped in on him while I was away. She kept it from me for ages and knew I was upset and all that after my boyfriend broke up with me. She then said a week after we broke up (when the pain is still quite raw) that she was going to date him. I’m over the guy now – that I can handle – but the betrayal from my friend runs alot more deeper than that. This is something I would NEVER EVER do to a friend. The saying goes… to have a friend you need to know how to be one!
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