The Dicks Before Chicks Phenomenon
August 21, 2006 by NML
When we were little playing in the sandpit, tussling over Barbies and changing our best friend from one hour to the next, it seemed like an innocent world, but as the years went by, we turned into women that have learnt certain behaviours which will put you into one of two camps: The Chicks Before Dicks Camp and The Dicks Before Chicks Camp. Following in the footsteps of my dear pal New York Moments who wrote about Raising Our Standards, I too need to address the blatant screwing over that women are doing to each other. I look at some of the problems that women have with their relationships and I listen to the complaints about friendship and something is clear: When it comes to the pursuit of the species that is made up on 75% water and the rest ego (joke!), there are some women that will do whatever it takes no matter who they trample on along the way because having a man is more important than anything. This means that friends will screw friends over, sisters will screw each other over, sisters and mothers, co-worker to co-worker as long as there is a penis to show for their effort at the end of it. Pray tell people, when did women become so f*cked up?
With the increasing dicks before chicks behaviour, we are in danger of alienating a core element of our lives as we create an air of distrust. Through childhood into adulthood, women are picking up the message that you are incomplete without a man, hence the ruthless mentality of women who have their insecurity rooted in these messages. Yes there are some women who are clever enough to recognise that having strong female relationships are important but there are many that don’t.
We’re treating each other like the enemy with friendships being expendable and dicks being the almighty trophy. It’s like having a war and then putting up a flag in the rubble. It feels great for a while but then the dust and dirt settles on the flag and it becomes as dirty as the rubble around it.
Karma is a bitch and if we want to stop the vicious cycle of unhappiness and bad choices, we’d better remember that we reap what we sow. As long as we are willing to show men that we don’t give a rat’s ass about who we hurt or destroy to get them, we give them the power and the ego to believe that no matter who they are, with whatever dubious traits, they’ll always have a home because there is always a woman dumb enough, ruthless enough and insecure enough to clear a path for him and take him.
If we remember that it’s Chicks Before Dicks, we will start to put out good karma. This means that when you meet a guy that is already with someone, you tell him to come back when he’s single and stand by your word, because you know what, you shouldn’t want a man who is so willing to be deceitful. This means that no matter what you may feel for your friend’s man, he is exactly that - your friend’s man - so you don’t get naked with him and you put her feelings first. This means you don’t shag your mother or your sisters boyfriends and you don’t pee on your own doorstep by screwing over one of your own colleagues.
And it’s not just other women you should be thinking of - you need to cater to the inner chick within. We’ll let dick blur our vision because we have other insecurities at play that it caters to. Instead of making yourself miserable, tell the bad boy or the Mr Unavailable to beat it and that there’s no room in the inn. Maybe if we’re good to ourselves, we might just start being good to other women.
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim and The Mr Unavailable Guide, plus has her own personal blog Tired of Men…and other things that drive a twenty-something round the twist.
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You set yourself an interesting project. Social engineering, a basic change to how society thinks and behaves, is a pretty thankless task.
It will be interesting to see in the next few years if the rate of divorce drops for certain people — people that read blogs before and while dating. People sharing how they look for casual partners, and how unsatisfying hasty choices keep turning out, may increase the interest of people to pick better the first time.
I think much of the greedy behavior is due to mass media advertising, especially in the fashion, auto, and clothing industries. Companies trying to better their income worry about market share, about being number one in some way — and convincing customers that they are number one, and also that being number one is ‘good’. TV and movie stories often display that one or two characters are ‘best’, the homecoming queen, the belle of the ball. And so we allow big media to train ourselves and our kids to think that skills to attract ‘the best’ guy — relying on commercials and ads to define what is ‘best’ — are necessary skills, and worthy life goals.
Really, though, the point of attracting a mate is *not* a life goal — it is the *start* of the rest of your life. A life where skills to attract guys/girls is a danger to the relationship.
I think you are seeing women looking for ‘dates’ — an interesting interlude, a sexy evening — as practice to improve their ‘attract’ skills and as minor recreation. Just think what would happen if each girl only dated and mated one guy. Look how much less turmoil, expensive frilly clothes, stressed weekends, and competition for guys would be going on.
Because the other side of the fighting among chicks? Some guys will *use* that against you.
Play nicely, girls!
I agree with a lot of what you said. There are a lot of mixed social messages floating around and if you keep taking them in over a long period of time, it’s bound to affect your attitude and mindset. The last para was the best though because what women who behave in this way forget is that they send out a clear message to men and they can take advantage of our bad behaviour.
[...] I actually agree with this reason to an extent. I am a firm believer that a lot of women are prepared to turn themselves into the sacrificial lamb of their relationships. They do Dicks Before Chicks behaviour and are so caught up in proving their worth by having a man in their life, that all of their energy is directed towards him. This can be flattering at first but will eventually feel like a noose around his neck and on top of that, women who make the man the be all of everything, as if the sun rises and sets on them, generally end up miserable. We need to derive our self worth from ourselves, not from our relationship status. We must Get a Life. [...]