The Gender Divide: Love & Respect

March 8, 2006 by Special Dark

My Dad has never really been a part of my life. As matter of fact I’ve only been around him a handful of times in my life, two or three of which I only slightly remember because I was very young.

Anyway, about the time I was going to be enrolled at university my Dad shows up, at the request of my mom, and provided me with my birthright. It was contact information for my grandfather that ended up being the gateway to developing relationships with all the other members of my paternal side of the family. My Dad, in what I suspect is typical fashion, and then proceeded to make grandiose promises of wanting to be in my life. Not only did I strongly suspect they were false, worse still, I think they were motivated out of a still smouldering lust for my Mom. Yuck!

Lucky for the both of us he disappeared again.

Months afterward, when my grandfather met me for the first time (which required a 24 hour bus ride during a summer break my freshman year) and then the second, third, fourth and so on, he saw in me what he’d missed in his own son. He saw a respectful young man who embodied the realisation of the potential of our family name. He saw in me a bright future that I, due to youth and self-doubt, didn’t yet see for myself. Without question the most singular and memorable moment of my life came when my grandfather took me aside and said that, just based on what I’d already accomplished in my life and based on who I was, he was proud of me.
Four little words from a man who had his graduate degree in electrical engineering and helped put rockets in space. He who was one of the first African-Americans to stand in NASA’s mission control, back in the 60’s, when prejudice and bigotry were still rabid and rampant in the south. He who, even though he was a civilian, hobnobbed with astronauts (U.S. Air Force commanders and captains all of them), said he was proud of me. I still well up with tears at the thought of what that meant. In that very brief statement he’d completely legitimised my life as being a thing of value and worth. I was respected by a great man. This story is an illustration of what men value most. We value respect.

That’s not to say that we don’t value love, it’s a close second, but I want everyone to know that, in no uncertain terms, I would have killed for that kind of confirmation from my father like a mother would kill to protect their child. Without the ability to obtain it from him, I took the next best thing–an assertion of my worth, as a man, from my father’s father. It was a thing that I’d sought for so long and, when I finally had it, the reality of it was even more powerful than what I’d imagined or dared to dream.

Men, primarily, want to be respected and women, before anything else, want to be loved. Plain and simple.

Again, that’s not to say that I don’t want my future children’s love, but I always want their respect first. I have spoken with my female friends and for them, it’s just the opposite. They want their children to respect them but, first and foremost, they want them to love them.

Some might argue that it’s just a matter of semantics or emphasis, but I disagree. I believe that while men and women are more similar than we often acknowledge, there are fundamental differences in how we breakdown and ingest external reality. One of these differences is that, for men, being recognised as an equal by people who are either our superiors or peers is vitally important. It asserts that we are agents of action and are capable decision makers. It tells us that we are important and mean something. It reinforces an internal perception of ourselves being good, strong people with external evidence.

I believe, though I don’t know for sure, that what makes women feel important is having someone they love, love them back. The meaning of their lives is distilled from that reciprocation of emotion and forging of relationships. While marriage, being a public announcement of the intimate love between two people, ranks high on the list of events in a woman’s life; I would have to say the greatest of these “love examples” is the bond between mother and child. I believe it allows for the purest, most intimate love that can be experienced by a human being. Men can never be totally privy to that.

The point I want to convey is that in amongst all the other things we do in relationships, let’s always take time to give the other person what they need most. Whether it be respect then love, or love then respect; both should be supplied in ample amounts if we want to meet the needs of our mate. Women, let men get lost and not have them stop for directions sometimes, and men, hold your lover’s hand without prompting. These little things can make a lasting impact.

Special Dark is a special blend of intelligence, wit, and an irreverant sense of humor that has strong views on women and relationships. Originally descended from the Alpha Male class of the society, he has suited up on debonair charm and retained his gentlemanly ways to the consternation of the rest of his species.