Comments on: The Life Lessons: How relationships teach us more about ourselves

By: Keri

Keri — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 00:29:25 +0000

Hi Everyone – I have a topic that I was wondering if you could help me with. Because of Natalie and this wonderful site.. her e-book… I FINALLY realized that ALL MY LIFE I had been accepting less than I deserved due to my lack of self worth and being a fallback girl in my relationships.. I made better choices and my world has, in return, changed. I am constantly making decisions based on me believing I deserve the best. I also believe it will always be something that I will be challenged with all the rest of my life.. constantly checking in with myself to make sure that I continue to strive to NOT accept less. It seems as soon as I really woke up to this.. just how long and how much I was accepting less.. crumbs.. I noticed how my friendships were the same. I was in long term friendships with those that also were emotionally unavailable… (it amazes me how much we’ll give and give with NO take) well… time has passed.. I am now married to someone who VERY much loves me.. and I love. It seems that now that I realized this epiphany… I am feeling the desire to face and then drop the friendships that ONLY have their interests in mind.

Is this normal? Once you finally see just how much of a fallback girl you are/were.. does it naturally progress into your friendships? I have gone my separate ways with 2 of my 4 “best” friends now… and I feel another is on the horizon…. The 2 that have dropped out of my life.. while I am sad and will always love them… I feel a sense of freedom that I am NO longer accepting less than I deserve…

Just wondering with everyone.. Has this happened to you? Natalie – any thoughts?

By: Kay

Kay — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 20:56:07 +0000

“The novelty can wear off for the thrill and drama of bad boys and it can feel like being on a permanent date, and that really isnâ€™t exciting and you canâ€™t forge a real connection or a relationship because it will feel like youâ€™re perpetually regressing. Itâ€™s one thing to feel get high off the thrill of the chase and ambiguity as a teen or in your twenties, but it gets tedious the older that you get.” Put it there Natalie because that perfectly describes my sorry love life to date.And now that I have finally gained some self knowledge and understand my destructive patterns,I feel sad for all the lost years.I think it is wonderful for younger women to be able to recognise their negative patterns and to work on changing them because they then have a really great chance of finding love and a fulfilling relationship as you did.It is not so easy for those of us who are older.But you never know and knowledge is power.And you are right when you say the road is bumpy.It is and it can be lonely but despite the temptation to crawl back to the familiar,you keep going because the familiar is that permanent date and the perpetual regressing and no way do you ever want to go back there.Self love,self esteem and self belief will take you over any mountain at any age.Believe it girls!

By: movinon

movinon — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 20:50:39 +0000

A respounding YES! I am admittedly a habitual EUM attractor – have been for 30 years. After this last go around – it was an absolute body slam. I swear that AC did everything accumlatively (except hit me) that the others did individually. It piled up. Not only was he EUM, he was emotionally abusive in a passive way (always my fault because of X), a cheater, liar, very charming, blew hot and cold – classis narsac. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I sat blasted into emotional hell. Not able to comprehend what just happened. How people could treat others like that – could not comprehend that. I was a doormat. It made me look really hard at myself and be totally honest about my part. I did not have boundaries. I did not speak up when something made me question WTF! I didn’t fully trust him – my gut instinct said not too – glad about that – at least my subconscience was working somewhat. The hardest part to overcome has been the coulda shoulda woulda have said or done if only if only my head was not up my a**. I had to look way back when to find the abandonment trauma I repeatedly experienced growing up. Why I kept seeking out people who would adandon me – trying to prove through each relationship that I was worthy of love, caring, respect, being treated as a human. I beat myself up and used other people to beat myself up too. I read somewhere that the amount of abuse that you will take off another person is equal to or less than the amount of abuse you will take off yourself. In other words if someone abuses you more than you would yourself – you would leave the situation. That was a mind blower. So now I am challenging these old beliefs I have about myself. I am changing the way I view me, treat me, set reasonable boundaries that I can respect and standards of behaviour that I will accept from others. I am finding me probably for the first time in my life. Its like I have acknowledged that I am a “grown up” and I can make my own decisons. I guess you would call that learning to trust myself while staying true to myself. I don’t give my last EUM/AC any credit for these self discoveries – its been many lonely nights getting comfortable with me and getting real. Thank you all for being a part of my recovery.

By: NML

NML — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 13:18:23 +0000

Hi Michelle, please find below a sample of links. Needless to say, your question goes beyond the scope of a short reply in a comments box.

To apply for free personal advice (there is a long waiting list and a backlog, please check the contact page). There is also a consultation service. Thanks Natalie

By: Michelle

Michelle — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 12:57:46 +0000

NML,
I do that attracting very young men may be very indicative of being unavailable, especially if I do not consider men my own age (not true, but difficult). You still have not answered the question of how to be more available, and what to work on. The post focuses on identifying if you are not available.I recognize that being centered and whole in myself is part of it, but how do you do that? Especially since I have been single for so long, and am very successful. It feels like I am centered.

By: Ending My Relationship

Ending My Relationship — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 00:56:44 +0000

I had a discussion with an ex girlriend that was pretty profound recently.

I straight up asked her if she had seen something about me that I could not see about myself.

After some hesitation she told me, and instead of replying, defending or rationalizing I really thought about.

Its been so long since we were together that we were distanced enough from each other to be able to ask such questions… And I had the rare opportunity to see myself as SHE has seen me.

Very powerful. I almost want to go and do a “High Fidelity” and ask all of my ex girlfriends the same question.

By: NML

NML — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 20:55:21 +0000

@Half Happy Soul – I think you need to adjust your expectations because I think you’re giving yourself a hard time, never mind the other person. If you have a goal of ‘right words’, you’re probably missing out on ‘right actions’ plus you may also be missing out on someone who possibly is a great mate. If you’re not secure, you need to examine why you are not secure and address those reasons because you are looking for things in other people that you should be first of all be giving to you.
@Loving Annie – Also don’t be hard on yourself. It is a journey with bumps in the road. We and only we can be our caretakers. This means that even though change may be difficult, or even painful at times, at some point we recognise that we have to persevere to get to feeling the good stuff because you are already familiar with the alternative and it doesn’t feel good. You will reach a point in the mountain, where once the worst is over, you can quickly speed your way up with suddenly longer legs
@Troya Read http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/ You have got to trust yourself by getting out there, living, and making decisions based on your gut and instinct. The more you realise you can trust yourself to filter out the dodgy partners, the more confident you can be about recognising and enjoying a great partner when they come along.
@Betterwithouthim You are the best friend you can ever have. You must put yourself first. I remember that exhausting feeling and at times I’d almost believe it was easier to crawl back to the familiar. Then I remembered how I felt and I realised that no matter how ‘tired’ I felt now, it was nothing compared to the misery of before. Keep being a damn good friend to you!
@Wandering Ivy Amen, amen, amen! It’s not about trying to cultivate a perfect you – you set yourself up for pain and are always disappointed. It’s about accepting yourself and working on and with what you can. It’s about being accountable for your own happiness but also learning to enjoy you, and this vibrates to others around you and you will feel positive things come back to you.
@freeatlast Yep! Given up = defeated = accepting beat up partners. You were giving up on yourself. You deserve better and now you know it.
@Michelle The availability has nothing to do with their interests – to be honest, all those things mean is that they are not as social (may not be a great thing although it depends on your meaning of ‘going out’, they keep up with other things and they don’t ‘need’ to keep up with music to be compatible with you (it’s not indicative of how compatible you are), and willingness to try new things (this is a bit general and I think people try more new things as they grow into the relationship). Your availability is not dependent on their interests. Your availability is about making sure that you are emotionally available and not carrying stuff that may be causing conflicts where you may look for partners that provide reasons for relationships not to work.
@MaryC I know you have been through so much. You now know that believing the lies or making excuses for the lies will bring you pain and that you must live by truth so that you don’t embrace people who have an allergy to it. You will get past this experience ((hugs))
@bebe Thank you!
@Nicole I don’t think people realise how little they are sharing of themselves particularly when they are emotionally unavailable. They can end up doing what suits them and what ‘works’ for them, and wonder why the results aren’t panning out.
@Wild Thing Absolutely – you get back what you put out. Mindset is behaviour as well and you act in accordance with your beliefs, even if you don’t realise it.
@Posh Two unhappy people equals one very unhappy relationship. Neither of you were getting your needs met and until you both address why you were unhappy, which you are doing now, you won’t be able to enjoy happiness in a relationship. And it’s not ‘hopefully’ – you ‘won’t’ be attracted to an assclown again

By: Posh

Posh — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 08:04:41 +0000

So glad I read that at this time as finally cut all contact with my ex been NC for the past 3 weeks and can now see clearer what the problem was I didn’t like myself I didn’t think I was good enough for anybody I was unhappy at the time but made out everything with me was fine and from thinking back my ex was unhappy as well due to not being over his ex. I have learnt a heck of alot the past few months I think we both just sort of clung on to each other for some bizzare reason but it came to me we cant keep going on like this I know I had do be the strong one and cut contact for both our sake. I always feel bad for everybody else when I should just be thinking about me and getting myself together which now I can and going to keep no contact with my ex once and for all. And get myself in the right mind and love the person I am and hopefully not attracted a assclown again.

By: Wild~Thing

Wild~Thing — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 04:50:54 +0000

The more I work on my self love/esteem/respect, I learn that what I believe about myself and what I deserve determines the QUALITY of my relationships. I didn’t believe that I was loveable and worthy of good things (i.e. love, honesty, accountability, respect etc.) but now I do and its what I have come to expect from others.

By: Nicole

Nicole — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 03:18:08 +0000

I love the advice. It opened up my perception towards relationships. I now understand that in order to be happy, you have to be emotionally secured. Trust, is one important factor to having a successful relationship and if you don’t have one, you’ll always end up crying because of doubt and jealousy. I so believe to what you have said that being in a relationship teaches us more about ourselves. That in this world, we have to adjust and adapt and never be selfish. That we have to be give off what we have and take in what is offered without any complaints. Love, indeed should not be selfish. And so if we are in a relationship, we should be giving and respectful.

Thanks for this!
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..Blog Review: Easy Free Dating =-.

By: bebe

bebe — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 02:24:07 +0000

Loved this post! Spot on.

By: MaryC

MaryC — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 01:39:42 +0000

When I read “if heâ€™s a liar and talks a good game without very much action, youâ€™re into illusions and denial” it was like a ton of bricks hit me, that was me. I made excuses to myself why everything was only on his terms and sadly why I accepted it for so long.

Illusions and denial are powerful forces.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 01:15:47 +0000

How do you work on becoming more available? I understand it is about being secure. I have been attracting very young men, and I have realized they are a poor match (a decade younger). I like the vibrancy, but I want someone who is available and mature. With older men – a tad older than I am, they seem very sedentary – do not enjoy going out, or keeping with with music, or trying new things. This is a gross over-generalization, but a fair one for many. How do I find the right balance, and become available?

By: freeatlast

freeatlast — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 01:07:27 +0000

It has taken far too long to learn by my last relationship, but finally ‘I get it! ‘ I really have to change in all areas of my life, boundaries are so important and I barely had any in place. I now recognize that I was unavailable emotionally. I’d given up on ever meeting anyone genuine. Shouldn’t be surprised that he wasn’t genuine either.

By: Wandering Ivy

Wandering Ivy — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 01:01:27 +0000

It IS hard, figuring out how exactly you go about loving yourself….. For me, what it looks like is accepting myself as I am now, warts and all. I’m not going to WAIT until I’m “perfect,” which is never going to happen anyway, unless I’m dead… and then it will be too late.

I’ve decided: I’m not going to harass the hell out of myself any longer. I’ve been doing it my whole life and it’s the self-doubt that’s made my life a lot harder than it could have been, not being an inadequate person.

So that may sound like “nothing,” but for me, it’s huge. It’s like I’m finally beginning to shake the monkey off my back and the relief is palpable. I feel lighter. Freer. Happier for no good reason.

I know I’m not ready to date yet and I’m alright with that. For the first time in my life, I’m beginning to develop a positive vision of a relationship I might actually be able to create – instead of some grandiose vision of a romance that was supposed to deeply fulfill some need that I needed to fill myself.

It’s not like I have it all worked out, but for now, it just feels good to focus on this stuff and enjoy the rest of my life.