The Male Opinion: Why Don’t Some Men Want to Commit?
Now this is a timeless question. It is one that woman have been wondering about for as long as there have been
monogamous romantic relationships. In theory it should be easy– one man, one woman and you’re done. What could be as simple or as efficient? It takes one woman and one man to make a child so what more do you need?
For men, there are a couple of interesting answers to that question. Some work in tandem with one another
while others are mutually exclusive.
1) Stuck in a rut.
We all know the feeling of being in a situation where you feel “comfortable” but you’re bored out of your mind. An easy example is if you’ve ever been to a party where there’s no one of interest in attendance. Sure there might be food, cocktails, even music but the event still isn’t really doing anything for you. Now take out all music, drinks, and the other people and leave it at just two. The effect is intensified so that it can get to the point where just looking at the other person makes you yawn. For myself I would say that becoming bored has, hands down, been the most frequent reason I’ve broken up with a girl. Either the relationship was boring or she was. Either way, boredom is a powerful motivator not to get more serious.
2) The grass is always greener.
Even though it’s shameful human nature sometimes gets the better of us. We can be happy, satisfied and fulfilled but our minds wonder about what it would be like to be intimate with the attractive girl we just passed on the street, or how the cashier at the supermarket would look if she was naked. It is a very human trait to want what you can’t have. It’s exciting, mysterious and adds an element of magic to our lives. When it comes to me deciding whether or not to spend the rest of my life with someone I always think really hard as to whether or not there’s anyone else, in my life, that would be a better fit for me. If so, even if the other person is unavailable, I tend to quickly realise that the person I’m with isn’t enough for me. One of my greatest fears is getting married only to, years later, cheat because I, or my mate, isn’t getting our respective needs met. I’d like to be married only once and I want to do everything I can, upfront, to give myself the best shot of making that a reality.
3) Welcome to relationship prison.
Some women come on so strong that you feel immediately fenced in. They want to spend all their time with you, which is a good and flattering feeling, but it doesn’t allow you to have a life outside of them. That’s when all hell breaks loose and a man’s independence can assert itself in destructive ways. Arguments will, almost inevitably, start because when you two are the only people in your lives, every little action or word gets overly exaggerated in significance. I’ve found that I am a much better boyfriend when I am able to keep my friends in my life and date at the same time. My other friendships and family relationships ground me and, if there is a romantic problem, I’m even able to bounce ideas off the people closest to me in order to see who is most likely in the wrong– me or her.
4) Young, handsome and surrounded by beautiful people.
Sometimes men don’t want to “settle down” for a different reason. If a man is still young, he may want to have lots of different experiences that might be precluded if he is in a monogamous relationship. That could because the man realises he is still immature and needs to experience more of life, and of womanhood, before he can feel “grown up”. Or, just like many women I know, his youth and good looks can become a free pass in reinforcing how attractive he is to the opposite sex. It feels good to have multiple ladies interested in you to the point where you can follow your whims and be with a variety of attractive women on your own terms.
5) Not the marrying type.
Some men are just free spirits. No rhyme, no reason. And the last thing they want is to settle down. To them marriage is like death—static and stark. You won’t change them so don’t even try.
6) I can see myself married, just not to you.
This is easily the most painful and most personal reason why a man won’t commit to you. Relationships, even long lived ones, only amount to “kicking the tires” until you get married. A relationship that’s less than marriage almost always has the option of exiting without major legal, financial and family ramifications. That’s exactly how it should be. My point is that some men like the woman they are with but they couldn’t see themselves married to them. Another possibility is that the guy has wanted to break up with you for awhile but, for whatever reason, doesn’t want a confrontation. Though I think the worse scenario, for the woman at least, is when the guy is comfortable with a static relationship and is willing to stay with you for as long as you allow him to sleep with you without additional commitment on his part. These are emotionally disinvested men and any woman wanting a standard family of their own, would be well advised to steer clear of them. It is rare to convert these guys into becoming more committed and, even if you do, oftentimes they still won’t share in your life goals as if they were still on their own.
7) I like you, but my mom doesn’t.
Parents, in particular mothers, can be POWERFUL influences for their sons, especially if the guy is an only child. Even if the mother isn’t directly telling their son that they don’t like you, the guy may be looking for someone who reminds them of dear old mum. That being said, there can be a war in your would-be fiancée’s heart and questions or doubts could start to creep up. He may think, “I like her, and may even love her, but don’t my parents know me even better than I know myself? If they don’t support the relationship now, will it be uncomfortable later, when I marry her and we have to go to family functions?” Lack of family support can derail future commitment and leave you stuck as a girlfriend indefinitely.
You mistake my intentions, madam.
Some guys are capable of deeper commitments, not swayed by family opinion,
not a playboy with lots of other women on the side, and even are really into you. So then why would a guy, like this, not commit? To answer this one you’ll have to go back to the beginning of the relationship and question how it started. Did he ever give you the indication that he intended something more to come of your courtship? Did you even ask? Some men just don’t intend for a relationship to be anything more than a coming together of two people to share their lives for a brief time. This one is like the guy who’s “Not the Marrying type” but more free flowing. It’s not that he can or can’t see himself married; it’s just that he never intended the romance that you have with him to be anything more than what it is. His expectations where that, at some point, one of you would find a reason to walk away and go onto something else. No harm, no foul. Or maybe he just thought you’d be really good friends with benefits and that it was understood, by the both of you, that if anything more happened it would be a surprise not an expectation. There are probably more reasons why guys don’t commit but these are the major culprits. It is important to recognise which category your man falls into and deal with it appropriately. It could be as simple as talking and making new, mutual life goals or as hard as letting him go. Whatever the decision, be more committed to it than he is to you.
