The New Woman’s Guide to Dating at Love@AOL
June 15, 2006 by NML
The ‘rules’ are very blurred when it comes to dating these days. Sometimes, despite a plethora of people offering advice, it’s like the blind leading the blind. We have lots of mixed messages that have picked up from childhood to present day that are impacting on how we think dating and relationships should be. There are conflicting messages and in many cases we’re just flying by the seat of pants trying everything we can to avoid looking like fools with eggs on our faces.The editors of AOL have updated the ‘old’ rules and come up with ‘new’ rules and their common sense approach is spot on in most respects. Despite the fact that they are called ‘new’ rules, they’re actually saying do what suits you, not what you think you’re supposed to do because that’s what you’ve been led to believe is the ‘right’ way to do things. Using common sense judgement and having a sense of awareness about your date should allow you to embrace these guidelines. Lose the rigidity of misconceptions and mixed messages and take control of your dating life.
Old Rule: The man always pays for the date.
New Rule: It’s okay for women to pay sometimes.
NML Says: I agree. You don’t have to make a song and dance about it and act like he owes you the world and when you do pull out the wallet as a show of paying, be prepared to pay and don’t dog him for letting you.
Old Rule: The man always asks the woman out.
New Rule: Take control of your dating life.
NML Says: Absolutely. And if you can’t get the brass balls out entirely then at least flirt enough to bring him to the conclusion of asking you out. The key is to approach guys in the first place instead of waiting for them to approach you.
Old Rule: Don’t call the day after a date; it’s too soon.
New Rule: If you want to talk, call.
NML Says: This represents the neurosis of women. I don’t know why we over think things or worry about what they’ll think. Think about the guy on an individual basis and apply your judgement of the situation to what you experienced on the date. If you enjoyed and he’s a nice guy, call. If he’s a dipstick but you think you need to call him to assauge something internally, don’t.
Old Rule: Give out your cell number instead of your home number.
New Rule: Give out your e-mail address.
NML Says: Absolutely - if you’re that nervous about potential stalkers, set an email address especially for men that you meet. Email accounts are ten a penny and it stops them from ‘intruding’ into your work space.
Old Rule: No sex on the first date.
New Rule: Sex whenever you’re ready.
NML Says: If all you want is a shag, yes. If you’re not sure what you want or you’re not sure about him, no. Ultimately sex confuses things and I have to ask, where is the fire? Once you sleep with him, you go into the Justifying Zone - that place that women go where they come up with reasons to stay with the guy to make themselves believe that sleeping with him was worthwhile.
Old Rule: If you don’t see stars after the first kiss, he’s not the one.
New Rule: Real love doesn’t play out like a movie script.
NML Says: I totally agree. Lust is not love. Real chemistry and real attraction grow over time. Often we fancy men for the wrong reasons and these things take time. We need to stop acting like we’re in our own romcom and get with the programme - reality TV…
Old Rule: Online dating is for losers.
New Rule: New millennium, new ways to date. Get with it.
NML Says: If it gets the job done, go for it, but I do have to admit that I’m not online datings biggest fan. It’s not for losers…but there are plenty of them lurking in there exploiting the potential to be whatever they want to be - ie single when they’re married. Choose a good site, use good judgement and have fun.
Old Rule: I have to be a “creature unlike any other” to get a boyfriend.
New Rule: Just be yourself
NML Says: We really need to drum this into ourselves. If he doesn’t like you as you are, what the hell are you doing with him? If you act like someone you aren’t, the act will eventually fade as no-one can keep up the pretense for very long. However we also have to stop expecting men to be a “creature unlike any other”… Let’s get over I Can Change Him syndrome!
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“It’s okay for women to pay sometimes.”
This is regional, but in the South, most men are still raised to pay. I don’t mind a woman offering to pay, but I expect her to concede when I take the check and thank her for the offer. Is it sexist? You betcha! But I’m not going to lower my expectations…
Hehe. I don’t think you’re being sexist. I think there are mixed messages about paying on dates and on one hand we want to play independent woman but when giving the opportunity to be that, some will slate the guy for taking him up on the offer. I would happily let you pay for the dinner
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