I’ve always known that No Contact works otherwise I wouldn’t spend so much time writing about it and advising people, but it’s painful, a shock to the emotional system, and brings about so many conflicting feelings, not least because the men that you need to do No Contact with tend to be assclowns that won’t let go and chase harder even though they don’t want you.
But Sheila, a reader who spent a hell of a lot of time on this site commenting and on the forum, who suffered so much angst I’m sure people weren’t sure whether she would ever cut the contact, is over him. It’s taken 6 months, many email exchanges between us, on the wagon, off the wagon, pain, misery suffering, self-doubt, a serious lack of self-love and anxiety, but I got an email from Sheila at the weekend that started like this:
“Just thought I’d check in… Haven’t posted in a while, which only means one thing right.. I’m HEALED!!!”
Sing in an your best opera voices, with birds flocking and the seas parting… HA-LLE-FRICKIN-LUJAH!
To give a little background, Sheila and her guy were both separated for the past year or so and going through divorces, or at least she was. She wanted more, he wanted less. It was a heady, passion fueled ‘relationship’ but Sheila was miserable and as she pushed for more from him, he withdrew. She thought they were more than just casual but he just wanted the easy life. Sheila chased more and so it went back and forth till it got to the point where she had become obsessed with him, knew he was an assclown, but couldn’t let go of him.
I managed to find Sheila’s first comment:
“I just ended a relationship with an EUM.. and I have the book on line about EUM, and it’s so so true.. This has been so hard the last month or so, but all the signs are there, and he’s still creeping in thinking we can be friends. I have officially started the NO CONTACT as of today.. I will keep you posted.. it won’t be easy, but it’s time to think about me for once…”
3 weeks later contact was broken:
“NML, I would like to take a page out of your book.. I just broke 3 weeks of NC last night.. I ignored the text, was very proud of myself. Then he called.. after 3 weeks of not speaking to him, just text messages.. I looked at the phone for about 20 seconds and picked up!!! God,it’s so hard. It was a weird convo, def not the same, no idea why he decided to call me after not speaking to him in 3 weeks – I was upbeat, I was not down, I just have to decide what happens next. I cannot have false hope, but I know in a few days, let’s say this w/e, if I do not hear from him, I’ll be down and out. I think at that point I will be pissed off and leave him behind and move on. Seems nothing changes except my hopes from high to low.. I can deal with not contacting him, that is not the hard part, it’s ignoring the texts and not picking up that phone last night.. God, it’s like getting over a drug!!!!”
And what followed was Sheila’s own public struggle with No Contact, with readers trying to help, the two of us emailing, and Sheila veering between being in ok-ish state to being totally distraught. They were sometimes speaking every day, sleeping together, she would feel hopeful, he would disappoint (again), and so the cycle continued. You can see a lot of what was going on here.
In the emails we exchanged, which at one point were every couple of days, I had to be blunt and do tough love. Why? I’m not here to stroke your ego’s or tell you that the self-harm you’re engaging in is right. I’m never cruel but in these situations, I may be the only person who is actually going to be honest with you. I knew that eventually, a combination of factors would start the shift in Sheila’s mentality where No Contact would become less about trying to avoid him but at the same time obsessing about him, and instead become more about seeing No Contact as the beginning and an opportunity for positive growth and change.
The reality is: everything we say about why we can’t cut the contact is an excuse. But at some point, if you’re committed to you, and stick to living in the reality, the truth of these assclowns is unavoidable and suddenly, never seeing them again or not speaking to them is the most natural thing in the world because you realise that what you’ve been doing so far doesn’t benefit you.
I kept reminding Sheila, to stick to facts, stick to reality, and see this guy for what he is.
One of the benefits of No Contact is that during this period, he is likely to show his true colours and you’re likely to find out things about him that should cement your decision.
Absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder with No Contact; it makes it grow wiser.
And indeed, truth provided freedom for Sheila.
“I’m 3 months NC and am finally feeling like myself again.. I finally put an end to it and am moving on. I recently found out some things about him that were very hurtful, but they made me see the light as to what kind of person he is.. and believe it or not, after the stinging stopped, I woke up!!!!
He is a sad, sad soul and I’m much better off. He will be a scumbag the rest of his life, and I have finally seen it.
Thanks for all your support thru all of this…I will say this was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through, but 6 months later.. I’m feeling fantastic.. I still have the thoughts, but they are few and far between and they don’t hurt anymore.”
That ladies, is progress.
Remember, No Contact is not instant or an ending; it’s a beginning. It requires managing major change in your life and depending on how much emotional damage has been done, it takes time to change your attitudes and mentality, but nowhere near as much time as it would take to convert these assclowns (forever…).
Congratulations Sheila and stay the course.
I will be posting properly about this tomorrow but there are more books from me on the way for readers and the first one (this is the working title) is:
Get Over Him: How to Lose an Assclown & Other Pain in the Arse Men
A guide to living an assclown free life, the No Contact Rule, and becoming a healthier, positive you.
Your thoughts?
If you want to understand why you’re attracted to Mr Unavailable’s, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
• 
• 
• 
• 
Related Posts
96 Responses to The No Contact Rule Really Does Work Reader Success Story
Get Notified When There’s A New Post
Natalie’s Books
I'm also on Google+.
We have been talking about communication issues, a lot of it comes down to that. There has been a decline in affection, which we have both attributed to this. Not being able to say what we want and need. I thought counselling would help us a great deal in this respect, to get the issues out and work on developing those skills. It is never too late in my opinion, not if there is love. Life became very busy for us. I wanted ‘just us time’ but wasn’t asking for it effectively. We were spending lots of time hanging out with friends. We both wanted to fall in love again, but didn’t say it effectively. And now it is too late for some reason.
I’m sorry.
It sounds like you have made quite an effort to restore the relationship but he is stuck and unwilling to make any positive changes. He doesn’t sound like an EUM, maybe a bit more commitment phobic?
Have you considered cutting him out of your life completely? He will not know how important you are if you are available him. I recommend strict NC, this will force him into a decision.
I have considered it, and people have recommended it, for a period of time at least. i have heard so many differing opinions..
I think the best I can do is not cut him off completely, but not be the one to make contact with him. I’ll move all my stuff and furniture out, move back with my folks till I’ve paid off some debt, sort my shit out and focus on me. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him or want to be with him.
The hardest thing will be seeing each other at mutual events-after 10 years, we have many mutual friends, especially if he brings someone. Hopefully there will be enough time between now and then for me to take my focus off of him and onto me.
A big test of whether we could ever be together again is whether we can be friends. How do you go back to that though? If I love him, I should be able to let him go, because I want him to be happy. If he loved me, wouldn’t he have stayed and tried?
Maybe what he needs is time to sort his life out. Maybe he will, maybe he wont. I didn’t want to let go without trying everything I could, but honestly, nothing has worked so far. He has seen and acknowledged that I love him.
I understand the ‘availability’ thing. If I am always available, there isn’t a sense of loss. There is also the risk of never seeing the man i love again.
but why love someone who doesn’t want to be with me?
The main purpose for NC is healing. By staying in contact with this man it is only prolonging the pain and preventing you from moving to a better place.
Wouldn’t it be more painful to continue to see the man you love, especially if he has a new partner? I tried to do the whole friend thing. It was so painful to be with and talk to a man I loved and to know that he was incapable of incorporating me into his life. When you put yourself in this position you are setting yourself up for misery.
Once again I don’t recommend one using NC to get someone back but I can guarantee that if you continue contact you will end up friendzoned.
I know. Neither option is easy.
He said part of him wanted to stay together, but he wanted to know why. was it that we belonged together, that he didn’t want me to hurt, or that without me in his life there was a void and he wanted it filled…
The only option I see is NC.
Please don’t wait around for him to make up his mind, you need to try to move on with your life. Trust me, you will become very resentful by allowing him to decide if he WANTS you in his life. Don’t you want someone who know and appreciates how special you are??
One more question. What do you have to lose by going NC?
his friendship, a possibility of any chance together again I guess.
You’re still in love with the man, you need to be honest with yourself, this is not about maintaining the friendship but about getting him back?? If it were about a friendship, it is recommended at least six-months NC. In your case I would recommend a year.
Rahn, if he wants to get back with you he will but it won’t be maintaining contact with him. If he loves you he will come back, not by you sticking around waiting for him to make up his mind. Why are you rewarding him for leaving the relationship?
I know I’m being harsh but I hope you will see it is coming from a good place. I would hate for you to become the fallback girl by being available to someone who cannot make up his mind.
I wish you the best.
I know. It’s been 2 months, I am resolved to moving on. To packing up my things, my furniture, getting out and getting on with things. If he can’t see how wonderful I am and that I am not worth letting go of, so be it.
I am in a better place than I was 2 months ago, 1 month ago, so it is going to get better and easier. The tears are less, the hope is hard to let go of.
I know all the advice comes from a good place, from people with more experience than I, I am sure.
When things are new it’s hard to see things clearly, unfortunately we are motivated by our heart.
Just remember, you have nothing to gain by staying in contact, only much to lose.
Perhaps down the track we can be friends.
I hope so. Give it at least a year, you were together a long time.
Hey you all,
Great posts by the way.
Rahn, please, either get over it, or stop bothering us with it.
BOTTOM LINE. PERIOD! Sorry to be so hard. I guess I think it is time for everyone to MOVE ON. Period. Peace.
ouch. point taken. sorry for bothering you.
No Rahn,
No, not meant to be mean. Not meant for you to say OUCH. Only meant for you to get a handle on your own situation. Be strong, don’t ever give up, you are the best it can be, believe it!!. You go girl, even if it means by yourself, in the long run. You will be OK, believe it!!!
I do. You are fine.
Rahn, you are not bothering us, most of us in here are struggling to get over it with each other’s support or else I don’t know why they’re here.
I’m also recent out of a long term relationship with someone who had a hard time deciding he didn’t want to work on it. It’s been 2 1/2 months of NC and no I’m not over it either, no feeling person would be. I’m still in love with the ex EUM too, but I know eventually that will go away, but only with NC, and that will work for you too.
It is much better for us to come here to whine to each other instead of calling *him* up for another round of broken promises and rejection. That will help all of us move on much quicker/more completely in the long run.
I have also lost a lot of mutual friends who turned out to be *his* friends. I have just had to accept that I have to back off of a lot of social engagements where he is likely to be present. I am now cultivating the friendships in our non-intersection areas, and that has been turning out really well, and I bet it will for you, too.
In fact, how to deal with mutual friends and social situations post-breakup would be a good post, Natalie!
Take care, Rahn, lots of hot baths for you dear!
Good Luck to you all!
I have been there, done that. Yes, it is painful. But, do you really want to spend so much time wondering why??? Believe me, it is not worth the effort. Take care girls, I hope you truly do find yourself out of this emotional jungle. Best to you all.
Sorry to be such a downer.
I have never cut costs!
You are all great.We all just need to move on.
Take care girls, in the New Year. We will all be fine.
Only go forward, that is the direction that makes the most sense right now.
Yes, take care of yourself and yourself only.
I truly hope you found this.
Thanks guys. I guess it’s also harder because I moved out and am staying with family. Aside from the hurt from this, nowhere feels like home.
Rahn, a bit of explanation here. According to Deborah Harris’ book, “You just don’t understand”, men and women communicate differently. Tell a woman about a problem, and her typical response is emotional validation. “I know that feels terrible”. Tell a man a problem, “The car stopped on my on my way home, and I was so scared.” And he will want to fix it. “Did the engine cough or sputter?”
Baggage Reclaim attempts to address concrete problems – dealing with esteem issues, recognie how we might make the same bad choice again and again, with how to heal and find guidance toward a joyful, peaceful, and secure life. Much of the journey is in personal values and dealing with emotional obstacles and distractions.
When someone asks, “but how do I stop wanting something that I know isn’t good for me?”, usually the question is about which parts of the wanting are signs of weakness or evil or morbid. (I think: None. Ymmv.) Much of the change needed is one of perspective, perhaps a little bit of a change in values. (Look for character and respect; *Avoid* the slick lines, the easily-intimate encounters, the beer commercial lookalikes. Ahem. It”s a guy thing, offering solutions. YMMV.)
Guys don’t deal much with emotions, usually. Early training in sports, in courtesy, in family life tends to emphasize warrior-like stoicism and self-reliance. Those that aren’t told to “get over it” or “suck it up” are seldom given a chance to learn how to understand or express their feelings, or relate to others. This has a lot of implications, including how guys tend to get offended when you find their solution unwelcome or that they missed the point. And once you brush off their solution, they are likely to lose interest in the topic – if you don’t want their help, they get on with their day.
TS offered a solution. Not a complaint about airing your situation, not a criticism of trying to understand what is happening in your life – but a solution to the problem. And I think “Move on” misses the point. Much of the focus here at Baggage Reclaim is on understanding the mistakes of past relationships and learning a new way of looking at ourselves and our lives. We don’t want to be drawn to the type of people that caused us problems. We need to recognize early on when things go awry.
When a relationship ends there is a period of grieving. Just as there are daily routine, emotional, and physical aspects of bonding when a relationship starts, those bonds are loosened at the end. The process of grieving is complex, it takes time, and it happens to our bodies, and our emotions, and our spirit. And all this aside from anger and hurt at the bozo that wasn’t the mate that we wished him to be, or that he claimed to be.
Change is always scary, and always hurts. There are times when the benefits are everything they are made out to be, when the change itself is almost lost in excitement. Other times, the change is pretty daunting.
Any getting over it, any moving on that you might do, will almost surely come before you feel ready. If you decide to try again with your partner, that will happen, too, probably before you really feel ready. But taking control of changes, of your life and your future, are immensely empowering. It is better for us to stand, later, and say, “I am where I am now, because I chose to be here.”
Was TS wrong? I don’t know. Was it expressed in a different type of communication that what had been going on before? Yes, I think so.
If TS were correct, that you are sitting on a fence just dithering about which way to jump (I am not comfortable making that assumption), then you would expect, at some point, to get tired of sitting there. Should you jump when that moment arrives, and you realize you are tired of waiting to choose – or should you jump as soon as you notice you are waiting to make a choice?
Are you dithering about making a choice, or still trying to understand what happened, what you want, and what the choices will mean to you? Are you stuck, struggling, or already well on your way? Making a choice right now might be the right thing to do – but it might not be the right time. Maybe. It is your place to choose.
Luck!
Roughly 2 months ago my partner of 10 yrs. broke up with me, too. She said she wanted to date other women, and basically just be free. I was given no warning, for she kept telling me that things are fine and I should trust her and blah, blah, blah. All of it lies. Well, it has been very difficult, but I believe the worst is over. All I wanted from her at the end was an explanation as to why she has turned against me 100000%. I mean, I was as loyal and true to her as one can get, and very much looking forward to the future. She had coaxed me into going back to school, and with her reassurances I signed up. Give or take a day or so, right after I committed to school and all that that entails, she told me she was happy I enrolled and it will be good for me, but now I have to pack my stuff and get out asap. Eventually I was kicked out with no where to go and no money and yadayada, with some help from others, found a place to live, and its been like that ever since. I am doing really good in school, and am still working at my other job. I have met a few nice people, but I am just not ready to get involved in any way right now. The trust factor is ” O. “One thing for sure, I know that I will NEVER EVER have any thing to do with her again. Cancel my subscription, I am over her issues!!!!! I don’t hate her, but I really didn’t know her at all. Never did I think she would do me this way. The rosecolored glasses are off permanently now. I grew up real fast and learned a lot about myself, her, people in general. I am wiser and my best advice to anyone who goes through something like this is, if and when you are ready to fall in love again, don’t make the fatal mistake of giving all of yourself to them. Hold back some of your emotions, feelings, fears. hopes, desires, secrets, etc…Maintain your own identity. Always love and respect yourself.
Teri,
I’m sorry. That’s a really horrible way to end things. I’m sure she got nasty b/c she knew what he was doing was wrong; so surprising to come from someone you’ve been with for 10 years.
I am in complete agreement with maintaining the identity. All the best to you, and if you want to dump you know where to come
I hope you are ok Teri,
It sucks. I know. It’s hard to know how much to give in the next relationship, but doesn’t the next person deserve 100%? I’m not saying lose yourself or who you are, but realise they are not to blame and carrying hurt from your previous relationship into the next could be damaging. Of course maintain your own identity. I didn’t and I am suffering, but I will be ok. Hard lessons to learn. Maintain your identity and if things do end, you have a full life anyway, so it won’t be so hard.
Best of luck.
Rahn
Hi – Happy New Year! I’ve haven’t written in a while. I cut contact with my ex-EUM about a month ago. If anyone recognizes my name from previous posts, I’ve been a yo-yo fallback girl with this one guy for about 2 years. He lost his job (we worked together) a few months ago. Not having him on my floor in my office every day helps me immensely in maintaining no contact.
When I removed him as a friend on facebook he made a couple feeble attempts at contacting me. I didn’t respond to his voicemail or email. I deleted his number. He hasn’t been in contact in over a month.
I’m taking a break from men, as NML has suggested, for two months. Honestly, I feel like I am always on a break from men because nothing seems to work out. But – I guess I have never been on a true break without an EUM in my life in some way. This month has been interesting because I am really trying to figure out why I am drawn to two or three distinct types of men that are ultimately unavailable to me. While they differ in type – all three share the similar quality that they are not good choices for mates.
My therapist has a theory about why I focus my efforts or attentions on these guys. She thinks I am scared of being in a “real relationship”. That if I was in a real relationship and it didn’t work out – that would really hurt. So by focusing my efforts on a guy that isn’t a realistic or good choice – when that doesn’t work out, it is disappointing but not devastating.
There could be something to that.
However, what I have noticed lately is that I am not drawn in the same way to the types of guys I used to pick. I used to be drawn to men about 10 years younger than me. I think that was because they used to make me feel really good. I do think in the past I didn’t feel good about myself so I was drawn to them because they helped validate me.
But when it came down to it, my dealings with these guys was not something off of which to base a romantic relationship with potential.
My dating hiatus is now about me and feeling good about myself and my life. I’m really happy with where I am. The friends and people in my life are all a positive force. Over the past six weeks or so, I’ve been very “on” and focused at work. The increase in confidence that gives me is amazing. I’ve been focused on getting into shape and eating healthily.
I’ve found it to be really great to look within for my sense of happiness and validation. I’ve noticed that as I began to get happier and more grounded, that I began attracting more positive people in my life.
And – tying it back to being attracted to EUMs – I am not attracted to them anymore. And my attraction to younger men to get an ego stroke – that’s not needed anymore. Obviously the guys that are younger that are my friends are still my friends. But, I’m not harboring some secret crush or fantasy that the friendship may turn romantic.
As for my ex-EUM sometimes I still feel a little nostalgic. But I can’t ever be friends with him. I allowed myself to be treated horribly and for that – I just can’t go back. Had we never dated and had sexual relations, maybe we would have been able to maintain a friendship. What I should have done is ruled out even considering dating him or being interested in him in the very beginning when he showed his true colors. Maybe then, if we had never gone “there” we would have maintained a friendship.
However, when all is said and done – he’s really not the type of person I want to be friends with anyway. He’s funny. I can go see a movie or watch “Family Guy” if I want to laugh.
In the past when I did no contact or took a dating hiatus – I felt empty and sad – like things were never going to get better. It’s different this time. I feel happy, content and complete. I feel like anybody new in my life will just make it better – but – things are really good now.
I do hope I start dating this year – someone available and someone that has potential. For now, though, I am going to be easy on myself and just continue observing my patterns and focusing on me.
This site has been great. I look to it for guidance and strength. I can’t say I am “healed” yet – but I really think I am well on my way.
Cheers.
Ashley it is so lovely yo hear from you. I was actually thinking of you just a few days ago. What is so wonderful about this is that you have realised that adapting your behaviour is key because continuing the same pattern and expecting different results was futile. I am very proud of you and please continue on this path. You come across confident and positive and most of all content. Hugs natalie x
Thanks NML! It’s a great feeling. You sound like you are doing wonderful as well and having fun with your family that is about to get bigger!
I’m doing NC, its working for me but I sort of expected (hoped) he would at least try and make contact, but has not. Is this just another neon sign of his true self? I’m moving on, but it still hurts.
Falling,
Why do you want him to contact you? What kind of result are you hoping to achieve?
Its that validation thing again, I don’t need it, but find myself wanting it. I’m struggling with feeling foolish for my past behavior, I was needy, too accommodating. When I finally called him on some rude behavior he vanished. Glad I said something about the behavior, but the results are not what I expected. Do EUM typically run away from boundaries? Still sorting through waves of emotion, sadness, tears, but gets better daily. Thinking of blocking AC’s phone number, but have a hard time doing it.
Falling,
Block, block, block!!!!!! You know that if you do have contact with him again it will set back to a really bad place.
You said that when you confronted him with his behavior, he bailed. This cannot be what you want in a man. You’re never going to get what you need from an individual like this as he incapable of accepting responsibility and doesn’t seem to care about anyone but himself. His actions say it all!!
I think you need to ask yourself why you need validation from someone who has already show their true colors. He is not available. Go back and reread the article on validation and see if it gives you a little more clarity.
Hi, its Teri, just checking in to let you know what has been going on since last I wrote. School is going really well, 3.7 gpa!!!! and work is going. I need more hours anyway, guess who I saw recently? Like less than 50 ft. away, too. Yep, the meany. We both just looked the other way and that was that. I was amazed that she didn’t even attempt to come over and say something. Maybe she knew nothing would come of it anyway. I mean, right now, NOTHING she says I would believe or probably want to hear. What I would like to know is how the hell do people totally act like they never knew someone when they have so much history. For heavens sake, it wasn’t all bad. It’s like we never existed. An annulment is what it is called in the Catholic religion, right? An old friend of mine who was married for over 25 yrs. was suddenly faced with what she thought was a divorce, painful as that is, but lo and behold, no, it was an anullment. Her asshole ex husband applied for and got it. What the hell? She was a terrific mom and raised 2 great boys. One a doctor the other a pilot turned attorney. What is going on with all that? Well, seeing her the other day brought a lump in my throat, but that was about it. I have no desire to talk to her, I don’t want to know any more than what I know, and she can get the fleas of a 1000camels in her armpits and I don’t care.
Hi, it’s me, Teri, checking in again. Although I am doing better and getting on with my life (however so slowly), I believe I am now in the royally PO stage. I have NO desire to talk to her, see her, or even drive by anywhere she might be, I don’t want ANY explanations or excuses or anything from her. She is a prime example of EVIL. I have been married 2 times to two great guys and have had my fair share of boyfriends. But, when it came to the ONLY female relationship I have ever had, and what I thought was the absolute perfect soul mate for me, ends up being the ONLY person in my entire life who has ever treated me what I thought was the total best, to treating me the absolute worst. I can combine all my relationships and still she is the cruelest, meanest, heartless by a zillion miles. NO ONE has ever done me this way. I will never be the same, thank GOD. I still believe in love, but will never be that stupid again.
Hiya, I guess I am the only only one checking in. It’s ok, in a way it’s like some wierd therapy. Anyway, I found out recently that the evil ex hooked up with a one time mutual friend of ours. She works with her, but the woman wanted to hang with me when she was off, like shopping, crafts, partying, we even talked about starting our own resell shop. Next thing you know, she’s not answering her phone, my girl is suppose to be over there helping with a sick dog, and I never got a chance to talk to her again, because apparently my girl CONVERTED yet another straight chick, her. I had no idea what was going on. And I doubt that her husband, who will be getting out of prison soon, knows either. I heard my ex is upset a lot and cries over her, she’s a player too obviously. How messed up is that? What is wrong with people? I know they have a little in common, like my ex picked up drugs again, and guess who provides it? I wasn’t into that. So darn sad. well, later
Hi Teri, I have not been here in awhile. You might find if you post on other articles that are more active, you get more feedback.
I guess my advice to you is it seems you are fishing in the same pond you found your ex in, I’d try as much as possible to work on those friendships in circles that she is not involved in.
There is no comfortable way to hang out with someone who is dating an ex who you are not *totally* over. So, if it were me I’d tell this woman that you can’t be in that situation, and you are going to get out of the way, and wish them the best, etc. Otherwise you are setting yourself up to be a “wailing wall” for whenever this woman has a trouble with your ex, she can seek you out to complain about it, get your feelings and emotions, and what do you get? Probably some jealousy, regret, and other backwash feelings. Staying connected with your ex in any way impedes your own healing, and any mature adult would understand and respect this boundary.
It sounds like you are totally in a drama zone here, so show yourself some self respect and avoid people with jail terms and sudden orientation conversions. Pay attention to your own life, and all this drama will diminish and become like the annoying buzzing of mosquitos.
Blessings, dear!
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum’s last blog post..RITUAL OF HAND-PARTING, DIVORCE OR BREAK UP
Hello,
I am currently engaging in NC with my ex EUM – It’s been 4 weeks, and neither of us has contacted. We were together 2 yrs, but have been breaking up on and off for a year. He ended things, though I should have sooner – maybe that’s why I feel so awful and out of control. Is NC truly going to help me get past this? When will I feel better? I’ve been concentrating on all of the bad, and not romanticizing our relationship. I just wonder how effective NC is, when I’ll I’m doing is obsessing over when or if I will hear from him…
Hi Sarah,
I’m on day 24 of NC. I’m still hurting and obsessing and wondering if I will hear from him. This was the first and only break up we have had so although he fits the profile of an A/C EUM I dont know if he is the type to try to get me to come back to him. If he is as close to being gods gift women as he had always claimed to be then I’m sure he has plenty of other girls willing to put up with his BS. OK and I’m obviously at the bitter stage as well. Anyway, what I can tell you is that although I am still constantly thinking about him it is getting better. I didnt cry today, I havent had those awful dreams where I see him with his new girl, and I dont have that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. One thing that was getting me more and more upset is how everynight I would look at the phone one last time before going to bed and realize that this was one more day that he didnt try to reach out to me. Well in the last few days although they were gutwrenching I think I am coming to the conclusion that he does not miss me and that he has surly moved on. This acceptance I is where the healing begins. I’m sorry for what you are feeling its horrible. Stay strong and DO NOT CONTACT HIM. Read some of the other posts about people who have broke NC and not one of them had a good out come.
well I had test after 4 weeks of me keeping the NCR, my ex partner sent a text just asking ‘how i was’, I haven’t replied and it was 5 days ago-though have been constantly thinking about replying but know the feeling will pass and I will soon be gald that I kept to the NCR for my own self worth,respect and sanity.
Hello there. I do not know the difference between posting or blogging. I found this site by researching EUM. I believe that I am with an EUM. I have been with him for 10yrs. Very hurtful, frustrating and energy consuming. I like the courage that I have read here and it is all starting to make sense to me. I will tell you that I have had a breakdown this past month and had NC for the last week. I have nver experienced that kind of pain and obsession in my life. I did fall today and broke the NCR. I will probably be back here shortly to try again, which at that time I will go into more details. Thak you for the experience, strenght and hope I have found here.
P.S. I am from the USA, Florida are you women from somewhere else? Just asking because certain phrases are not familiar
Miriam I think a large proportion of the women on this site are from the UK. It’s refreshing to know that all women of all nationalities and ages or cultures are experiencing simillar things with their troubled and troublesome men. It’s comforting.
I cant believe it… I have been reading this site, going to counseling and working myself for the past 5 weeks of NC and then, of course, he texts that he wanted to “talk”. My gut wanted to see what he would say so of course I met him even though my head kept saying “remember what NML says about NC!!!!!” I guess I wanted to see if he had taken any of this time to consider his problem with EU and how it was tearing me and us apart. It is that stupid little glimmer of hope that makes us go back even when his patterns have not changed in the ten years that I have known him!!! UGH. So, we go to dinner and he sits there as if everything should be just normal and dandy and then goes on to say that he is sorry but he doesnt understand why i have to hate him or love him. What the hell? I am hurt, you asshole!!!! I cant bring myself to look him in the eye and he continues to deny the fact that any of the breakup came from his emotional dysfunctions which is very clearly the reason. Finally, i bring up some reasons why I think he is like that and I see a few tears from him, He is human???.. but he very quickly brings the conversation back to casual discussion. Then he decides we should go to get yogurt. What am I thinking. So we walk completely at a distance, sit across from each other not talking and he keeps trying to bring up the fricken small talk. UGH. No responsibility whatsoever. I felt like I was watching an 5 year old across from me who has no awareness of the mess he has made, or does and is completely denying it. Needless to say, i go home feeling like the day he bailed out on me again. Complete rejection, no emotions reciprocated…. sadness. I was doing so good. SO, lesson learned…do not break NC rule, whatever you do. THEY DO NOT CHANGE. On a side note, I handed him a copy of my “Recognizing Emotional Unavailability and Learning to Make Healtier Relationship Choices” book and told him to read it so he could see what he does to everyone he dates.
AssClown? that’s one I haven’t heard before. Fuckwad
Hi Guys
My story is very very long and complex and without going into to much detail goes like this , I met my ex through a mutual friend and although she lived 300 miles away we decided to give things a go, right from the first day there were strange happenings, she would be on a call to me and then her phone would bleep (close to midnight) and she would cut me off, later she would text me saying it was her sister and she couldnt talk now as it was late, this happened daily, after a few months she started dumping me for silly reasons like i had got annoyed at something she said, i had dared to ask who she was on the phone to at night , i had a differing opinion from here, during the first year i got dumped about 20 times, each time i would text and ring continously until she gave in and said ok well give it another go, a few times when i did the nc rule she would send me a picture message or text and let me know she was at a hotel nearby with work and did i know where to get some food from, knowing i would rush to get her something then cry and boom we were back together, after a year of continous dumpings i had a friend print out her phone bills for the first few months we were together, yes i know it was wrong, but she was saying we should get engaged yet was dumping me every 4 weeks and disappearing for whole nights saying she had taken sleeping tablets and they had knocked her out, basically i found out she had still been in touch with her ex boyfriend on a nightly basis (he has a new girlfriend ) and thats who had been ringing her and both had been careful enough to withold their numbers when they rang each other, i confronted her and she turned it on me saying i had gone behind her back and invaded her privacy just like her dad does and she didnt want to be with me, eventually i forgave her and we got back together again a few months later i found out she had been using her work phone to ring him,, i confronted her again and she said she was sorry and had made a mistake, in the second year i got dumped 2 a month, yes in total in the 32 months we were together i was dumped more than a hundred times, before my birthdays, before christmases , before exams and the she would after begging and begging make up with me , im now in day2 of the NC rule and it does hurt like hell especially the last breakup which was because i had got annoyed she hadnt called me back , she told me she no longer wanted to marry me neither does she love me anymore, when we had met i was in a bit of debt and she had forced me to take 10k of her and pay my debts off, i recently got some redundancy money from work so sent her a cheque for 10k especially ever since then she had made me feel like a con artist and the only reason i stayed in the relationship was to see how much more money i could get out of her, despite never asking for anything always paying when we went out and buying her lovely presents for her birthday despite getting nothing for mine for 2 years because i was dumped, i felt giving her the money back was a big slap on the face like saying here you go you thought so wrong about me, i got a text saying i got your cheques but didnt reply to it, day 2 of NC and i know this is the best thing for me i dont want to be in a rltnshp where my feelings arent receiprocated, in her explanations she believes i was to blame and at fault for every single dumping and cant understand why we are not engaged by now, did she play me ? my mind tells me its so obvious she was still in love with her ex ( and had only broken up with him because he was a different religion and they couldnt get married because neither was willing to convert ) so i think although they decided to remove the term boyfriend/girlfriend everything else stayed the same , love, the calls, meeting up etc maybe even physically , when he moved on and got another girlfriend she thought i can do the same , but why did she stay with me 32 months then if im so bad ? why did she say things like you have qualities ill never find in another man and then dump me again a week later, im sorry guys to ramble on but inside it just hurts so much to put so much into someone and get nothing but hurt back
after a 1 and a half year of relationship , my boyfriend broke up with me … the reason was very small which I spoiled more with my anger and blamed his love a lot…cause i always used to think that he only loves me for sex… he took my virginity away….
by the time he started ignoring me that was just unbearable for me… he started ignoring me just because his family wants him to get married with someone from his family and he just cant go out of the family…
he didn’t care for me at all , he didn’t decide to take any step for me for the sake of our love and just dumped and left me with no big reason…and ended up saying this that he doesn’t love me anymore bye forever..
I have loved him so deeply… we have loved each other a lot in our life.. but for me he was not seems serious for me … he has told me his past affairs.. n he had been flirting a lot… in start he was flirting with me too but by the time when I gave him my love he returned it back … he loved me but he was never willing to get committed cause of his family situation…. i never wanted to be a apart and he says i hate those girls who live in dreams …. he was being too practical …
when he broke up with me , I started non stop text messaging n calls . he got sick of it .. he started threaten me to not call n message him, if i will , he will tell to my family and my respect in the family will ruined….
i love him so much.. i don’t want to lose him at any cost… i just want him back to my life … i cant accept if he get married with another girl…. it was my rite that he should have taken any step for me cause i have given him my virginity… i threaten him n he was a scared punk… he got scared to me…. and now he just doesn’t want to start this relation again…
i sent him message today that i will not contact him n he too ….to start NC rule …. i am starting it from today.. i don’t know if ever he will miss me or love me that much…. but i want to strictly use it for 4 weeks… but at the same time i am scared if he decided to get married with his family girl during my NC …? i am so scared…