- My Books
- Contact Me
- List of Posts
- Your Favourites
I’ve always known that No Contact works otherwise I wouldn’t spend so much time writing about it and advising people, but it’s painful, a shock to the emotional system, and brings about so many conflicting feelings, not least because the men that you need to do No Contact with tend to be assclowns that won’t let go and chase harder even though they don’t want you.
But Sheila, a reader who spent a hell of a lot of time on this site commenting and on the forum, who suffered so much angst I’m sure people weren’t sure whether she would ever cut the contact, is over him. It’s taken 6 months, many email exchanges between us, on the wagon, off the wagon, pain, misery suffering, self-doubt, a serious lack of self-love and anxiety, but I got an email from Sheila at the weekend that started like this:
“Just thought I’d check in… Haven’t posted in a while, which only means one thing right.. I’m HEALED!!!”
Sing in an your best opera voices, with birds flocking and the seas parting… HA-LLE-FRICKIN-LUJAH!
To give a little background, Sheila and her guy were both separated for the past year or so and going through divorces, or at least she was. She wanted more, he wanted less. It was a heady, passion fueled ‘relationship’ but Sheila was miserable and as she pushed for more from him, he withdrew. She thought they were more than just casual but he just wanted the easy life. Sheila chased more and so it went back and forth till it got to the point where she had become obsessed with him, knew he was an assclown, but couldn’t let go of him.
I managed to find Sheila’s first comment:
“I just ended a relationship with an EUM.. and I have the book on line about EUM, and it’s so so true.. This has been so hard the last month or so, but all the signs are there, and he’s still creeping in thinking we can be friends. I have officially started the NO CONTACT as of today.. I will keep you posted.. it won’t be easy, but it’s time to think about me for onceâ€¦”
3 weeks later contact was broken:
“NML, I would like to take a page out of your book.. I just broke 3 weeks of NC last night.. I ignored the text, was very proud of myself. Then he called.. after 3 weeks of not speaking to him, just text messages.. I looked at the phone for about 20 seconds and picked up!!! God,it’s so hard. It was a weird convo, def not the same, no idea why he decided to call me after not speaking to him in 3 weeks – I was upbeat, I was not down, I just have to decide what happens next. I cannot have false hope, but I know in a few days, let’s say this w/e, if I do not hear from him, I’ll be down and out. I think at that point I will be pissed off and leave him behind and move on. Seems nothing changes except my hopes from high to low.. I can deal with not contacting him, that is not the hard part, it’s ignoring the texts and not picking up that phone last night.. God, it’s like getting over a drug!!!!”
And what followed was Sheila’s own public struggle with No Contact, with readers trying to help, the two of us emailing, and Sheila veering between being in ok-ish state to being totally distraught. They were sometimes speaking every day, sleeping together, she would feel hopeful, he would disappoint (again), and so the cycle continued. You can see a lot of what was going on here.
In the emails we exchanged, which at one point were every couple of days, I had to be blunt and do tough love. Why? I’m not here to stroke your ego’s or tell you that the self-harm you’re engaging in is right. I’m never cruel but in these situations, I may be the only person who is actually going to be honest with you. I knew that eventually, a combination of factors would start the shift in Sheila’s mentality where No Contact would become less about trying to avoid him but at the same time obsessing about him, and instead become more about seeing No Contact as the beginning and an opportunity for positive growth and change.
The reality is: everything we say about why we can’t cut the contact is an excuse. But at some point, if you’re committed to you, and stick to living in the reality, the truth of these assclowns is unavoidable and suddenly, never seeing them again or not speaking to them is the most natural thing in the world because you realise that what you’ve been doing so far doesn’t benefit you.
I kept reminding Sheila, to stick to facts, stick to reality, and see this guy for what he is.
One of the benefits of No Contact is that during this period, he is likely to show his true colours and you’re likely to find out things about him that should cement your decision.
Absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder with No Contact; it makes it grow wiser.
And indeed, truth provided freedom for Sheila.
“I’m 3 months NC and am finally feeling like myself again.. I finally put an end to it and am moving on. I recently found out some things about him that were very hurtful, but they made me see the light as to what kind of person he is.. and believe it or not, after the stinging stopped, I woke up!!!!
He is a sad, sad soul and I’m much better off. He will be a scumbag the rest of his life, and I have finally seen it.
Thanks for all your support thru all of this…I will say this was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through, but 6 months later.. I’m feeling fantastic.. I still have the thoughts, but they are few and far between and they don’t hurt anymore.”
That ladies, is progress.
Remember, No Contact is not instant or an ending; it’s a beginning. It requires managing major change in your life and depending on how much emotional damage has been done, it takes time to change your attitudes and mentality, but nowhere near as much time as it would take to convert these assclowns (forever…).
Congratulations Sheila and stay the course.
I will be posting properly about this tomorrow but there are more books from me on the way for readers and the first one (this is the working title) is:
Get Over Him: How to Lose an Assclown & Other Pain in the Arse Men
A guide to living an assclown free life, the No Contact Rule, and becoming a healthier, positive you.
If you want to understand why you’re attracted to Mr Unavailable’s, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter – @baggagereclaim .
Add to favorites
- Advice: Help me understand how my emotionally unavailable man has been treating me
- Is There A Difference Between Disappearing and No Contact?
- 10 Core Breakup Boundaries That Every Person Should Live By
- Blessings In Disguise: Be Thankful That They Didn’t Show Up and Other Things To Be Thankful For
- Don’t They Care About Me? Didn’t I Mean Something To Them?
- 30 Signs That Someone Isn’t Interested Or Is Half-Heartedly Interested In You: How To Avoid Being a Passing Time Candidate
- Letting Go of a Relationship…That Doesn’t Exist
- 10 Core Breakup Boundaries That Every Person Should Live By
- He’s with someone else – Why her and not me?
- Women Who Talk (& Think) Too Much – Wasting time explaining & discussing with men that don’t want to listen
- 12 Core Boundaries To Live By in Life, Dating, & Relationships
- Understanding Code Red and Amber behaviour in Relationships
- Am I Involved With an Assclown?: How To Spot Someone Who Means You & the Relationship No Good
- I’m Not Good Enough – The world through a low self-esteem lens
- Does my ex Mr Unavailable or assclown miss me?
- After The Breakup: Hold Tight To Your Self-Respect and Stop Trying To Be Friends With The Ex That Mistreated You!
- Is He Going to Leave His Wife/Girlfriend For Me? Part Two
- Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailables & Assclowns Part One
- Casual Relationships: All The Fringe Benefits of a Relationship…Without The Actual Relationship
- Rebound Relationships in a Nutshell: Transitionals, Buffers & Why You Should Step Away From The Light When They’re Not Over Their Ex
- Being you is better than changing to appease someone who is threatened by differences
- Loneliness happens when we stop expressing how we feel and lose emotional connections (The importance of self-care and safe people)
- Why do we want to be liked by people who we dislike?
- There’s no point in following the ‘trend’ if you don’t end up liking or knowing you
- “Charming” tends to be a precursor to code red problems
- We can’t keep trying to recapture the beginning of a relationship; we’ve got the present to live in
- Why you don’t need to ask about exclusivity if the person you’re dating is ambiguous or even shady
- A dating hiatus is a healthy, empowering break, not a prison sentence!
- If you can’t be casual about casual sex, it’s not casual sex
- We self-sabotage our efforts to do better by us, because we’re afraid
Listen To Posts On Soundcloud
Most recent comments
- happy b on Loneliness happens when we stop expressing how we feel and lose emotional connections (The importance of self-care and safe people)
- Wiser on Being you is better than changing to appease someone who is threatened by differences
- Nigella on Being you is better than changing to appease someone who is threatened by differences
- Chutzpelady on Being you is better than changing to appease someone who is threatened by differences
- Mymble on Being you is better than changing to appease someone who is threatened by differences
I’m On PinterestMore Pins »
Copyright NoticeCopyright Natalie Lue 2005-2014 All rights reserved. Written permission is required from the author to include posts in their entirety on your site. If you use a quote or portion of a post(s), ensure that my work is credited. Copying my posts and changing some of the words is still plagarism. Claiming my ideas or opinions as yours, is also major breach of copyright.