The No Contact Rule Really Does Work - Reader Success Story
I’ve always known that No Contact works otherwise I wouldn’t spend so much time writing about it and advising people, but it’s painful, a shock to the emotional system, and brings about so many conflicting feelings, not least because the men that you need to do No Contact with tend to be assclowns that won’t let go and chase harder even though they don’t want you.
But Sheila, a reader who spent a hell of a lot of time on this site commenting and on the forum, who suffered so much angst I’m sure people weren’t sure whether she would ever cut the contact, is over him. It’s taken 6 months, many email exchanges between us, on the wagon, off the wagon, pain, misery suffering, self-doubt, a serious lack of self-love and anxiety, but I got an email from Sheila at the weekend that started like this:
“Just thought I’d check in… Haven’t posted in a while, which only means one thing right.. I’m HEALED!!!”
Sing in an your best opera voices, with birds flocking and the seas parting… HA-LLE-FRICKIN-LUJAH!
To give a little background, Sheila and her guy were both separated for the past year or so and going through divorces, or at least she was. She wanted more, he wanted less. It was a heady, passion fueled ‘relationship’ but Sheila was miserable and as she pushed for more from him, he withdrew. She thought they were more than just casual but he just wanted the easy life. Sheila chased more and so it went back and forth till it got to the point where she had become obsessed with him, knew he was an assclown, but couldn’t let go of him.
I managed to find Sheila’s first comment:
“I just ended a relationship with an EUM.. and I have the book on line about EUM, and it’s so so true.. This has been so hard the last month or so, but all the signs are there, and he’s still creeping in thinking we can be friends. I have officially started the NO CONTACT as of today.. I will keep you posted.. it won’t be easy, but it’s time to think about me for once…”
3 weeks later contact was broken:
“NML… i would like to take a page out of your book.. I just broke 3 weeks of NC last night.. I ignored the text, was very proud of myself. Then he called.. after 3 weeks of not speaking to him, just text messages.. I looked at the phone for about 20 seconds and picked up!!! God,it’s so hard. It was a weird convo, def not the same, no idea why he decided to call me after not speaking to him in 3 weeks… I was upbeat, I was not down, I just have to decide what happens next. I cannot have false hope, but I know in a few days, let’s say this w/e, if I do not hear from him, I’ll be down and out. I think at that point I will be pissed off and leave him behind and move on. Seems nothing changes except my hopes from high to low.. I can deal with not contacting him, that is not the hard part, it’s ignoring the texts and not picking up that phone last night.. God, it’s like getting over a drug!!!!”
And what followed was Sheila’s own public struggle with No Contact, with readers trying to help, the two of us emailing, and Sheila veering between being in ok-ish state to being totally distraught. They were sometimes speaking every day, sleeping together, she would feel hopeful, he would disappoint (again), and so the cycle continued. You can see a lot of what was going on here.
In the emails we exchanged, which at one point were every couple of days, I had to be blunt and do tough love. Why? I’m not here to stroke your ego’s or tell you that the self-harm you’re engaging in is right. I’m never cruel but in these situations, I may be the only person who is actually going to be honest with you. I knew that eventually, a combination of factors would start the shift in Sheila’s mentality where No Contact would become less about trying to avoid him but at the same time obsessing about him, and instead become more about seeing No Contact as the beginning and an opportunity for positive growth and change.
The reality is: everything we say about why we can’t cut the contact is an excuse. But at some point, if you’re committed to you, and stick to living in the reality, the truth of these assclowns is unavoidable and suddenly, never seeing them again or not speaking to them is the most natural thing in the world because you realise that what you’ve been doing so far doesn’t benefit you.
I kept reminding Sheila, to stick to facts, stick to reality, and see this guy for what he is.
One of the benefits of No Contact is that during this period, he is likely to show his true colours and you’re likely to find out things about him that should cement your decision.
Absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder with No Contact; it makes it grow wiser.
And indeed, truth provided freedom for Sheila.
“I’m 3 months NC and am finally feeling like myself again.. I finally put an end to it and am moving on. I recently found out some things about him that were very hurtful, but they made me see the light as to what kind of person he is.. and believe it or not, after the stinging stopped, I woke up!!!!
He is a sad, sad soul and I’m much better off. He will be a scumbag the rest of his life, and I have finally seen it.
Thanks for all your support thru all of this…I will say this was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through, but 6 months later.. I’m feeling fantastic.. I still have the thoughts, but they are few and far between and they don’t hurt anymore.”
That ladies, is progress.
Remember, No Contact is not instant or an ending; it’s a beginning. It requires managing major change in your life and depending on how much emotional damage has been done, it takes time to change your attitudes and mentality, but nowhere near as much time as it would take to convert these assclowns (forever…).
Congratulations Sheila and stay the course.
I will be posting properly about this tomorrow but there are more books from me on the way for readers and the first one (this is the working title) is:
Get Over Him: How to Lose an Assclown & Other Pain in the Arse Men
A guide to living an assclown free life, the No Contact Rule, and becoming a healthier, positive you.
Your thoughts?
If you want to understand why you’re attracted to Mr Unavailable’s, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
Astelle September 18th, 2008, 5:14 pm
Sheila, I can’t believe it, you are finally over it!! I am proud of you. No contact is the only way to go, it will give peace of mind. Doesn’t it feel good to finally feel good?
Good thing is, this will never happen to us again, I feel I can smell them a mile away!
NML, I still believe that for some of these EUM, control is more important to them than actually being with you, I think due to the narcisstic tendencies.
Could you post something about it?
Looking back, my clown is a narcissist, I have no doubt and me chasing him was all about control for him and I have no doubt that in his sick twisted mind he still expects to hear from me.
Sheila September 18th, 2008, 5:28 pm
Astelle.. thank you!!!
Yes, mine was a narcissist too.. text book, TEXT BOOK!!!!!
they dont’ know how to love, just satisfy themselves ….they are sad, sad, insecure pathetic souls!!!
Cynnie September 18th, 2008, 5:59 pm
Sheila, I’m so proud of you! Your story is so similar to mine and seeing that you weathered that emotional storm is giving me hope that I can too. I fell off the wagon when I responded to his text to give him a piece of mind and explain how he treats me. What a waste!
NML: Love the titles. Re: “How to lose an assclown”, I got rid of mine by trying to define the relationship and talking about babies… lol
Astelle: Yup, I’m learning how to detect these men and their BS.
Well done Sheila.
Kim September 18th, 2008, 6:00 pm
Sheila - You will never know just how happy I am for you. You have been a great friend & support for me & I hope I have been the same for you. We will look back at t his someday & realize just how strong we really are. I hope I am the 1st one you call when you finally meet that guy who treats you the way you deserve! Here sto “The Secret” & movin’ on! Thx for helping me stay positive!
xxxo-Kim
FinallyOverIt September 18th, 2008, 6:26 pm
Sheila, it was interesting to read the thread that NML attached to this post, and see the process you went through in order to heal yourself and move on. You should feel extremely proud of yourself that you weathered the storm and came out on the other side with increased self-esteem, self love, and with the knowledge of making better choices in relationships in the future. I would love to see a post from you sometime soon that tells us that you met a wonderful man who treats you well and gives you the love you so deserve. Good for you!
myalmostlover September 18th, 2008, 6:42 pm
WOW…..Shella, you did it girl. I had faith you would and you gave me so much support, thank you. Unfortunately for me I fell off the wagon after 5 weeks of NC but I’m back on again and going through withdrawals. I actually broke up with him over the phone and told him it was truly over this time, I’d never done that before, so I hope he gets the message. Congrats to you!!!
NML…these men really are like drug addictions, I’ve never felt such an obsession for any man in my life. It’s so hard to break the habit and that’s what it is,… a really bad habit. So Sheila deserves a BIG HELL YEAH!!!!!!
myalmostlover September 18th, 2008, 6:48 pm
Cynnie…..I love what you said:
“NML: Love the titles. Re: “How to lose an assclown”, I got rid of mine by trying to define the relationship and talking about babies… lol”
How true…same thing happened to me….he just wouldn’t define the relationship in the second year…even though we had planned to get married in the first year…lol. What an assclown!!!
GiaNYC September 18th, 2008, 7:14 pm
Bravo, Bravo Sheila!!!!!!!!!
:0)
Brad K. September 18th, 2008, 7:18 pm
Sheila - wonderful!
Blaise Parker September 18th, 2008, 7:26 pm
Congratulations, Sheila! You are AWESOME!!!!!
shootingstar67 September 18th, 2008, 8:18 pm
Congrats. I know how hard it is.
It took me years sometimes in the past to end things. The struggle is incredible.
What I like about this site is people understand. They dont sit there and judge you and say “why don’t you just move on?”. They know why. .
Loving Annie September 18th, 2008, 8:33 pm
Congratulations Sheila !!! Good for you for being committed to your own self-esteem
Whoo-hoo 
Tulipa September 19th, 2008, 2:06 am
Fantastic news, Shelia….
lisaq September 19th, 2008, 12:40 pm
You’ve helped through some rough times NML so I know from first hand experience how lucky Sheila, and all of us are, to have you. The No Contact rule works. I also have first hand experience. Stick to it girls. It may save your life!
NML September 19th, 2008, 2:23 pm
Thanks everyone for your comments. Astelle, sorry that I forgot to answer your question. I will post the excerpt from the book. Unfortunately control is not a one way street in this relationship - both parties are guilty of it, it’s just that one tends to be more successful than the other.
Astelle September 19th, 2008, 3:13 pm
Thanks NML, I didn’t realize control is not a one way street, something else for you to teach me. Can’t wait for your other books to come out.
You are wonderful, Thank you.
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum November 7th, 2008, 11:01 pm
I have been wanting to contact a friend of his and cray on her shoulder. She is very wise and knows him very well, and would be able to understand what I am going through. Also she might be able to help me figure out how to navigate the nightclubs and bands scene - he and I shared a lot of live music in common. But I also know that it is me sneaking around, snooping to see if he’s as miserable as me. (NML “Who cares?”) Or maybe she could broker a reconciliation. (NML “Why on earth would you want to reconcile with an assclown?”)
Also I keep pulling up his MySpace page. He hasn’t logged in since we broke up. (NML “It will get a lot easier when you decide to stop torturing yourself.”)
I’m 14 days into NC and still in a huge amount of grief and loss.
I wanted to bump this topic to the top again.
Astelle November 7th, 2008, 11:45 pm
Regina, why do you want to reconcile with him? What would be different? Stop the snooping, stick with NC and you will feel better, give it time.
Carm November 8th, 2008, 12:58 am
Regina, Please resist the urge to contact his friend. A friend of his is not a friend of yours during this time. Also, stop looking on his MySpace page! (I know how hard it is believe me). The less information you have about him right now the better it will be for you, and I think you know that already. It is normal to be in a state of grief right now. Just feel it and go through the grieving. Think of him as being dead to you right now. Any information you get about him will set you back; and any contact you have with him will set you back even further and make things so much worse. Hang in there!
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum November 8th, 2008, 7:18 am
Astelle, because I am not so sure we did the right thing by breaking up. Because we spent six years together and it was mostly really really good. Because we broke up solely on the basis of this book and website and it was very sudden and we didn’t even see a counselor or anything. Because I’m not sure if he is EUM or has just developed stress related depression in the past two years. Because we got along so well and enjoyed each other’s company and did so many really cool things together. He was my best friend. I guess that’s why. Give it time, okay.
Carm and Astelle, how long did it take NC to start working for y’all? I used to be a heavy smoker and I quit, but this is much harder, the love withdrawal/detox.
Brad K. November 8th, 2008, 1:43 pm
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum, That is a tough one.
Do you respect yourself, that you evaluated your then-situation and your goals, and determined that continuing your relationship with him was harmful for you - or do you doubt?
Two years is a long time to leave a weakness in your relationship unhealed. If you cannot heal within the relationship, you may need to heal yourself, outside the relationship. Neither of you were part of resolving the problems, which implies you each have some healing to do and some choices to make about your lives.
How you spent the last two years, or last six years, doesn’t matter nearly as much as the likelihood you will be unharmed and content and satisfied and joyful tomorrow.
If you can rationally explain him to your parents, or five trusted friends, and they agree that he is of good character, healthy, and a responsible individual, then possibly you made a mistake in leaving. Apologize to him, knowing he may never forgive you, even if you start a new relationship together.
But if you can’t explain to your parents, if you don’t have the trusted friends - consider why you are so isolated, whether you are scrambling for a refuge rather than building a family. If they hesitate to find him a good prospect, consider why you would pick someone less than remarkable.
Second thoughts, desires to keep the comforts we once knew, are all to common. Consider carefully whether he is, today, the man you would want to enrich the rest of your life, before trying to start a new relationship with him.
And keep in mind - you were unhappy enough to leave once. The last thing you want is to resume that unhappy point in your life. He won’t change - so anything that might happen to better things will be what you choose to do. Respect yourself, and honor and respect all others.
Blessed be!
Carm November 8th, 2008, 10:19 pm
Regina,
I read a post of yours on spotting EU men describing your ex’s early warning signs of EU behavior. Maybe you should re-read it also, because you describe some pretty serious red flags early on in the relationship that he displayed that most definately indicate he is and always has been EU. Don’t doubt yourself that you did the right thing by breaking up. I also doubted myself and thought I made a mistake after breaking up with one of my former EU’s and I had a knee-jerk panic reaction. I felt I had made a terrible mistake by breaking up, and I contacted him and we got back together. It was a huge mistake, because things just went downhill again and I wasted more time, and also lost some pride.
Just feel the pain of NC, and focus on, and even write down, the bad things about the relationship, not the good ones. Relationships with EU’s do have good times, but you can’t let that overshadow what was fundamentally wrong. For me, after about 6 weeks of NC with my last EU, things got easier, I felt better, and I could see things more objectively. I could see it was really a mistake and I was just wasting time in the relationship with someone who could not go foward.
Astelle November 9th, 2008, 3:10 am
Regina, my pathetic story dragged on for over 3 years. I was just divorced for 2 years after an 18 year marriage (looking back he is also an EUM who controlled and manipulated me). I met this guy and thought wow, what a nice man. We spent a lot of time together, he called me 3-4 times a day (Yes, control) and I started to notice we got together on HIS time and terms. He was sooooo busy! After 2 months I had family here for a visit from Europe, I am originally from Europe but live in the States now. I told my cousin about him and said, not sure, something doesn’t seem right with him. She said, drop him right now, your gut is warning you and I had planned to break it off the next morning and DIDN’T.
So, my own inflicted nightmare started. A few months later he was suppose to meet some of my friends and made excuses not to come. I didn’t call him – he expected me to call – and he didn’t call me. After a while stupid me emailed him and asked if this was his way of breaking up with me by dumping me for the weekend. He wrote me such an arrogant reply and insisted that he had no intention to break up with me (of course not, never did and never will). So, we e-mailed a few months back and forth but it seemed that I had to invite him in order to see him, basically I chased this man! We got back “together” again for a few months and he pulled the next disappearing act, I e-mailed a few more times and then I stopped.
There was no break up, yelling, telling him off or anything like that; I am not the type to do that anyway. I tolerate way too much but when I am done, I am really done.
Shortly after that I found NML’s Website and spent a whole weekend reading and it took me a while to figure out that I can e-mail NML. So I did and she gave me the best advice I have ever received. Of course I had more questions and she answered them all for me.
I wasn’t worried that I would make contact with him again – I was so embarrassed about the whole thing and I could never ever look at this man again.
So, I say, took me about 8 months to feel completely free, one day it will just happen.
I have been on a few dates with men, have not found the right one yet, but I am confident I will. I think that I know enough red flags to avoid these men. I agree with Brad, if you can’t explain him to friends (my parents are not alive anymore) you know something is wrong with him. My friends told me: “You have a user on your hands”
without meeting him.
Where can I read your story? Can you copy and paste it here?
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum November 9th, 2008, 7:32 am
Carm, Brad and Astelle, thanks. Obviously I was having a weak moment.
Carm, thanks for calling me out. Yeah, I was having a strong moment then when I wrote that list.
Brad, actually my friends and family all love the dude. My mom actually said six years is a lot invested, don’t push him! They have also mentioned my age a number of times, as in maybe I shouldn’t be so picky. He wrote them a nice good bye email, about how he’ll miss them and me and how wonderful I am and all, so they still think he is a nice guy, which he is, sigh. I think it is possible to be a nice guy (or a nice gal) and still be EUM. Yeah, nice and oblivious.
Astelle, which story are you asking about?
Again, thanks, and I especially appreciate the folks who have been though this returning here to help those of us who are just now climbing out of the mud pit.
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum November 10th, 2008, 6:07 pm
Okay, friends, I have stopped looking at him on MySpace. One question, I will want to unfriend him, right? That way if I post a bulletin or anything, it will not end up in his inbox. I may wait a few more days to do that, just to avoid the temptation to snoop.
Astelle November 10th, 2008, 6:18 pm
Regina, I don’t know what your story is with this guy, besides being with him for 6 years. Did you see him a lot during that time, did he pull disapperaing acts, did you live with him?
Yes, you should unfriend him and stop snooping.
I hate myspace.
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum November 10th, 2008, 7:13 pm
Hi Astelle, we did see each other a lot, but never cohabitated. To everyone else, we were great together, and we really did have wonderful times, adventures, lots of love too. His EUM managing-down my expectations began about two/three years ago when I started wanting to move in together. The EUM behaviors were implemented *very* gradually. Gradually emailed and phoned less, gradually wanted more and more “alone time,” gradually stopped coming to see me at work, gradually stopped coming to my house to spend time together, gradually stopped telling me how wonderful I was, gradually stopped asking me out to shows and dinners, gradually began breaking dates and promises. I continued to blow hot, coming up with fun stuff to do, making fabulous dinners, keeping conversation alive, etc. Then he had the audacity to tell me that our relationship seemed to have become routine and there wasn’t much passion in it anymore!
On another posting I compared it to the tale about how if you put a frog into a pot of cold water and gradually start heating it, the frog doesn’t notice the temperature change and soon enough you have boiled the frog and it never jumped out of the pot! Being with the Long-Term Operator EUM, as I call mine, is like that but opposite. You are lucky to get out of the pot before it freezes over!
Although we had a long term relationship that blew hot for the first four of the six years, I had plenty of red flags that were raised in the first 3 months of knowing him. I ignored:
He has been cheated on by a previous woman.
1) Very quiet on first date. First several dates.
2) Leaves after you have sex, won’t stay the night.
3) Disappears for days after the first or second sexual experience.
4) Separated but not divorced.
5) He has been in a number of long term relationships with little time single. (serial monogamist.)
5) Some kind of tragedy in the context of his previous relationships (mine had lost a baby with his ex-wife).
6) His ex is not over him, she’s still in love with him.
7) He has been financially hurt by a woman, or in the context of a relationship (mine lost his pants in the sale of their house).
9) Alcoholism in the family.
10) Father described as being very remote.
11) He says he is not into a serious relationship.
12) He wants to date other women to keep things non-committal.
13) He says he doesn’t believe that love and relationships last.
…and there were other things of course. For like the past year I had been breaking up with him in my head, getting angry about his lack of emotional presence and how lonely I felt. Heh heh, then I would get my period and know I was just hormonal.
The breaking point came when he said he wanted to move out of his apartment (the place we spent most of our time together) and be homeless for awhile, sofa-surf with friends, etc. Then he could save money on rent and eventually afford a down payment on a condo so he would have housing security and an investment to liquidate in his old age. I was like DUDE!!! You just wrote a short term, mid term and long term life story that does not include me!
We broke up by mutual agreement. I had finished “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” and he was about halfway through. He admitted that he had many of the EUM signature traits. We even had a parting ritual (see my blog, it was really quite beautiful, tears shed together, and VERY final, intentional and effective.) and I have been NC ever since. Day 17 now and feeling like I have gotten past the worst of it. This site, and counseling have been lifesavers, or at least mindsavers.
Thanks for asking, Astelle. It sounds like you have a much more remote relationship with your EUM, tho they did have a very similar set of emotional wounds.
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum November 10th, 2008, 7:15 pm
Again, sorry about the stupid emoticon for the #8. Don’t know why that is happening.