Baggage Reclaim attempts to address concrete problems - dealing with esteem issues, recognie how we might make the same bad choice again and again, with how to heal and find guidance toward a joyful, peaceful, and secure life. Much of the journey is in personal values and dealing with emotional obstacles and distractions.

When someone asks, “but how do I stop wanting something that I know isn’t good for me?”, usually the question is about which parts of the wanting are signs of weakness or evil or morbid. (I think: None. Ymmv.) Much of the change needed is one of perspective, perhaps a little bit of a change in values. (Look for character and respect; *Avoid* the slick lines, the easily-intimate encounters, the beer commercial lookalikes. Ahem. It’’s a guy thing, offering solutions. YMMV.)

Guys don’t deal much with emotions, usually. Early training in sports, in courtesy, in family life tends to emphasize warrior-like stoicism and self-reliance. Those that aren’t told to “get over it” or “suck it up” are seldom given a chance to learn how to understand or express their feelings, or relate to others. This has a lot of implications, including how guys tend to get offended when you find their solution unwelcome or that they missed the point. And once you brush off their solution, they are likely to lose interest in the topic - if you don’t want their help, they get on with their day.

TS offered a solution. Not a complaint about airing your situation, not a criticism of trying to understand what is happening in your life - but a solution to the problem. And I think “Move on” misses the point. Much of the focus here at Baggage Reclaim is on understanding the mistakes of past relationships and learning a new way of looking at ourselves and our lives. We don’t want to be drawn to the type of people that caused us problems. We need to recognize early on when things go awry.

When a relationship ends there is a period of grieving. Just as there are daily routine, emotional, and physical aspects of bonding when a relationship starts, those bonds are loosened at the end. The process of grieving is complex, it takes time, and it happens to our bodies, and our emotions, and our spirit. And all this aside from anger and hurt at the bozo that wasn’t the mate that we wished him to be, or that he claimed to be.

Change is always scary, and always hurts. There are times when the benefits are everything they are made out to be, when the change itself is almost lost in excitement. Other times, the change is pretty daunting.

Any getting over it, any moving on that you might do, will almost surely come before you feel ready. If you decide to try again with your partner, that will happen, too, probably before you really feel ready. But taking control of changes, of your life and your future, are immensely empowering. It is better for us to stand, later, and say, “I am where I am now, because I chose to be here.”

Was TS wrong? I don’t know. Was it expressed in a different type of communication that what had been going on before? Yes, I think so.

If TS were correct, that you are sitting on a fence just dithering about which way to jump (I am not comfortable making that assumption), then you would expect, at some point, to get tired of sitting there. Should you jump when that moment arrives, and you realize you are tired of waiting to choose - or should you jump as soon as you notice you are waiting to make a choice?

Are you dithering about making a choice, or still trying to understand what happened, what you want, and what the choices will mean to you? Are you stuck, struggling, or already well on your way? Making a choice right now might be the right thing to do - but it might not be the right time. Maybe. It is your place to choose.

Luck!

I have never cut costs!

You are all great.We all just need to move on.

Take care girls, in the New Year. We will all be fine.

Only go forward, that is the direction that makes the most sense right now.

Yes, take care of yourself and yourself only.

I truly hope you found this.

I’m also recent out of a long term relationship with someone who had a hard time deciding he didn’t want to work on it. It’s been 2 1/2 months of NC and no I’m not over it either, no feeling person would be. I’m still in love with the ex EUM too, but I know eventually that will go away, but only with NC, and that will work for you too.

It is much better for us to come here to whine to each other instead of calling *him* up for another round of broken promises and rejection. That will help all of us move on much quicker/more completely in the long run.

I have also lost a lot of mutual friends who turned out to be *his* friends. I have just had to accept that I have to back off of a lot of social engagements where he is likely to be present. I am now cultivating the friendships in our non-intersection areas, and that has been turning out really well, and I bet it will for you, too.

In fact, how to deal with mutual friends and social situations post-breakup would be a good post, Natalie!

Take care, Rahn, lots of hot baths for you dear!

No, not meant to be mean. Not meant for you to say OUCH. Only meant for you to get a handle on your own situation. Be strong, don’t ever give up, you are the best it can be, believe it!!. You go girl, even if it means by yourself, in the long run. You will be OK, believe it!!!

I do. You are fine.

Great posts by the way.

Rahn, please, either get over it, or stop bothering us with it.
BOTTOM LINE. PERIOD! Sorry to be so hard. I guess I think it is time for everyone to MOVE ON. Period. Peace.

Just remember, you have nothing to gain by staying in contact, only much to lose.

I am in a better place than I was 2 months ago, 1 month ago, so it is going to get better and easier. The tears are less, the hope is hard to let go of.

I know all the advice comes from a good place, from people with more experience than I, I am sure.

Rahn, if he wants to get back with you he will but it won’t be maintaining contact with him. If he loves you he will come back, not by you sticking around waiting for him to make up his mind. Why are you rewarding him for leaving the relationship?

I know I’m being harsh but I hope you will see it is coming from a good place. I would hate for you to become the fallback girl by being available to someone who cannot make up his mind.

I wish you the best.