The No Contact Rule
Welcome back! Have you got my ebooks - The No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl? Also become a fan of Baggage Reclaim on Facebook, follow me onTwitter, and join the forum.
The No Contact Rule is the essential guide to breaking up when you can’t or won’t let go, or you’re tired of being treated like a backup plan.
When a relationship ends, your interest isn’t returned, or you’re dealing with a commitment-shy person, the sense of rejection that results tends to cause us to continue to engage with them for attention and validation in the hope of a happy ending. Instead we create more pain for ourselves and are unable to move on.
Have you found yourself unable to let go of a relationship even though the person has already moved on?
Are you hoping that if you hold on for long enough, the object of your affections will reciprocate your feelings?
Do you keep breaking up to make up? Have you been doing it for years?
Do you become near obsessed when it’s over and keep returning to the relationship in the hope that things will be different this time?
Or have you found yourself dealing with someone who keeps trying to contact you when you tell them it’s over…but is not prepared to give you the relationship you want?
Confused by being chased, the mixed signals, the hounding you with texts and phonecalls and then disappearing, the leaving you for one woman and then sniffing around you, and their patent inability to let you go so that you can grieve and move on?
Does he keep talking about being friends but is pushing for sexual contact?
Is he not interested in you in ‘that way’ but you keep trying to persuade him?
Do you avoid him for a while and then call him out of the blue hoping that he’ll be different?
Wondering how you can continue working together or how you can get him out of your hair when you share children?
Inject boundaries so you can kill off the yo-yoing and boomeranging back and forth so that you can move on.
Breaking up by cutting contact is the extremely effective way of teaching someone that it’s over through actions instead of what they perceive to be empty words. It communicates that whatever terms have been enjoyed previously are now over.
This detailed comprehensive survival guide provides all the info you need to understand what no contact is, why it’s necessary and effective, what they’re thinking, dealing with the feeling of rejecting breaking your pattern and understanding your compulsion, dealing with NC with co-workers or the parent of your child, how to stay the course, and get onto rebuilding your life so that you can move on.
The No Contact Rule will stop you from ruling out all your options by fighting the compulsion to make him, the relationship, and your pain the only option.
Chasing someone who doesn’t love you back, or want you in the way that you want them, or recognise your value is exhausting. Get your energy, your sanity, your self-esteem and your power back, so that you can live.
Buy and download your copy now via e-junkie for £10 (approx $15.98, €11.13 – it converts to your currency automatically at the checkout).
Using my own experiences and those of readers, I’ve written The No Contact Rule ebook to help you gain back your power and help you avoid and minimise the opportunities for people to abuse your boundaries, or for you. If you’ve had a history of dealing with emotionally unavailable men and guys that mistreat you, this acts as a companion to my other ebook Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl, which is a no holds barred guide to understanding the dynamics of the most prolific type of relationship in modern times. Find out more or you can purchase both of them together in a bundle for £15 for a limited time (normal price for the 2 is £22.50).
Who Am I? I (Natalie Lue also known as NML) am the founder of Baggage Reclaim which I use to help empower people so that they can have healthier relationships, both with themselves and out there in the crazy world of dating and relationships. With over 120K readers a month, through my blog posts, ebooks, and also working one-on-one with readers, I’ve used my experiences and my insight into the dynamics of modern day relationships to help people make positive change.
I’m not a psychologist or psych anything. I’m someone who used to have poor taste in men and thought I was having a run of bad luck until I got real with myself and recognised that I was the only common denominator in my relationships and that I had my own issues with commitment and emotional unavailability. That journey has been shared through my blogs and many men and women have used it to get real with themselves so that they can be accountable for their own choices.
If you are a blogger/media owner and would like to review the book for your publication, please email your details, including where the review will be appearing and approximately when you expect it to appear – natalie [at]baggagereclaim.co.uk
{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
I just finished reading the guide and I think it is absolutely “awesome.” Honestly, I READ IT IN A DAY BECAUSE I COULDN’T PUT IT DOWN! I am in no contact now and it really reinforced that I needed to redirect my energies and try to stop thinking about that AC but I only have to do it one day at a time.
The entire guide was very informative. The chapter on Breaking your pattern by undertanding your compulsion’ really resonated with me since I can get obsessive and compulisve in my thinking at times. I won’t ever love another man that is not consistently showing me that he loves me as much as I love him.
There are people out there waiting to slap me/steal my confidence and run but I will be waiting for them. Because of this book and you women on this blog I know that nothing is wrong with me, I’ve just made a few bad investments. (I love that part of the book since I never looked at it like that) I would recommend that anyone struggling with an AC read this guide. It’s priceless!
AWESOME!! keep em comin!
Thank you Wild~Thing! I’m glad you picked up the core message about bad investments – if it were another investment, we wouldn’t keep trying to throw money at it to make it come good. We’d know our limit and get out so that we can minimise our loss. Happy new year to you and thanks for being so quick at getting it read and reviewed! Hugs xx
Natalie, I just start to read your NC book, it is amazing!!! I love it so much, thank you!!!
Even though I am not super keen of reading a lot on my laptop, I decided to buy both e-books – with the intent to give FBG to someone I know who needs it and will get some much needed peace from it- and read the NCR book myself.
So I came home from work, sat by the fire and read NCR in one sitting. Even though I have read this blog for a year now I recommend this book as a solid, kind and entertaining read, entirely worthy of one’s time and $$, no matter where you are in your journey.
I would guess that if you are still engaged in the throes of relationship insanity thet FBG would be the book to read first. It can take some time to wrap your head around the mindf**ck that the flakiest of the arseclowns of the world present.
Once decided upon, however, NC is the big step in the journey to rediscovery of all that is important to you and all that is important about you. The many aspects of NC are well covered in the NCR book and there are so many worthy ideas that you cannot hear too often, as you work to wash that AC right out of your hair.
Here was a paragraph that stood out for me, and that last line is so important.
” If you want the feeling of rejection to subside and avoid being rejected by men who are unworthy of your time:
1) Take the focus off him and bring it back to you by reminding yourself of exactly why their behaviour doesn’t work for you. Remind yourself of what you want, how you want to feel, the boundaries that have been crossed, and their failure to recognise
your value and treat you with love, care, respect, and trust. Make sure your own actions treat you with what was missing.”
I also liked…
“It’s really important to remind yourself of what you actually want versus what you’ve actually been getting.”
and finally, these are such kind and true words..
“He’s shown and told you all that you need to know. Let go. That is what closure is about.”
With a solid and decent guy you can discuss the subject of needs and get somewhere, to compromise, at a minimum. With the EUM / AC all you will ever get is flakiness and confusion if you can even get to discussion.
Once I realized this I knew NC was absolutely necessary because I was dealing with a flakey faker. I had no fear of pain, nor being alone; how could NC be any worse than the pain of being involved with the EUM? No, it was not fear of pain; the processing and coming to grips with the illusion of the relationship have been the hard and ongoing part of NC for me. I lived with the illusion that he cared for me for so long and I really am having to retrain my head’s longstanding beliefs about him.
But I have never doubted or wavered about doing this work, nor sticking to my boundary of NC / no BS. We truly are responsible for our own happiness, or misery, its our choice.
Moreover, I am certain my life is better for this. Not only I will never get involved in something as dark as the EUM/AC experience again but I am now so clear on what I do want in a healthy relationship. I am not sure I would have come to see all of this so quickly ( a year !) on my own, without this wisdom I found on this site, much of which is well summed up in this book.
Highly recommended. Nice work NML !
Yet again, you teach me what I need to know about men — and myself — to face the facts about relationships. Thank you, Nat.
The timing was perfect too.
Combined with your other e-book, ‘Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl’, plus this latest ‘No Contact Rule’ = the bible for women of any race, religion or creed or education to go from having unhappy relationships to being a happy person who would NEVER make the same painful mistakes again. This is all about how to recognize what is REAL versus what is illusion, and be the wiser/stronger for it, making choices in the future that work for you instead of against you.
Excellent work, Nat. You put ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ to shame – it is only the first grade of education about men – your books and blog is grad school
Your ‘No Contact Rule’ ebook is the most helpful and therapeutic book I have ever read (and I’ve read quite a lot). No disrespect to other writers but most of them tell you how happily married they are and lead the most perfect life etc. There is nothing wrong with that but with your book/posts you have experienced a lot of what we are going through so you are more compassionate yet say it how it is.
This is what we need a good role model like you, someone who has shared her journey with us, got to the bottom of how AC’s operate, faced the source of what lead you there and moved on to settle in a healthy relationship with two beautiful children.
There is a part in your book where it mentions that some women have to watch while the AC moves from one person in the office to another and has to watch girls fighting for his attention. Well this is very similar to my situation at the moment.
At first he came over as a genuine, faithful person and most thought the same. I knew him for years but only saw what he wanted me to see, very charming. When he split up with his partner he asked me out and I jumped to the chance it was great, lots of chemistry and we met up quite often……then he got back with his ex. The trouble is when I deleted his number and tried to move on he would appear and I was so emotionally invested I’d give in to him, I was in a vicious circle wanting out but couldn’t let go for some reason. A few months before I did this NC every time he wanted to meet up I’d make an excuse or ignore his messages, there were lots of women gooey eyed and basically throwing themselves at him so it was obvious he was meeting up with one of them at least but still kept sending me messages or telling me if things were different he’d be with me (what an idiot!). Anyway that was my enough moment what does he want a harem! I’d also got her following me about and when he managed to corner me into talking to him she would appear and be all over him trying to drag him away! I think he wanted us to play each other off and fight for him. whilst she is willing to I’m not! Now he realizes that I’m out I think he has lost interest with her and found other victims.
I’m lucky that he works in a different office and I have managed to avoid him for a while. your book has kept me sane and helped me though this, I just need her to get off my case and vent her anger at him not me… I don’t want him now!
It’s been 12 days since I applied NC and I have to say how amazing I feel. You never go back to the existence pre EUM but where I am now emotionally is a far better place. I am loving my life right now! I knew when after I dumped him and how relieved I felt afterward that I had made the right decison and although he called me a week later and I didn’t anwer right then and there but waited the next day to return the call only for him to ignore the call, which I knew he would, that was my wake up call that he really thinks it’s all about him. I am in a much better place and I just want to thank him for getting me to this place.
May I first tell you what a great concept it is and how incredibly well you’ve pulled it off! Most dating/break-up books either come across as patronising or too aggressive and you have found a firm-but-understanding middle ground between the two, which is no easy task.
The format is unusual but it works. The short paragraphs and highlighted information makes it easy to digest and even easier to put into action. You can dip in and out of the text when you need a quick reminder of what you’re doing and why and every page is informative and necessary. In short, there’s no annoying filler sections!
There’s humour and personal experience scattered throughout the book which makes it a lot easier on the head and heart. When you realise that you’re reading a book by someone who has been there, done that and wanted to unmercilessly throw every insult under the sun at the person who has screwed them over, it becomes almost as if you’re having a conversation with a friend who really knows their stuff.
The chapters are logical and follow through nicely. There are clear definitions between sections and it’s easy to bookmark and re-read the parts you want because they’re so well highlighted.
My only criticism is that this book wasn’t around when I had to deal with the drama of my ex! I struggled with the whole ‘no contact’ thing for months but this book could have given me all the encouragement and information I needed in just days! I’ll definitely be keeping it around for future reference though…
Thank you so much for letting me read and review your book. You have done a fantastic job with it and it’s refreshing to see some new, honest and practical advice out there.
After my ex cheated and left me for another he still wanted to be “friendsâ€. He said he still cared about me and keeping our “friendship†even though he had another girlfriend.. Unfortunately I put up with that for almost 2yrs including having sex with him. Back then I would of done anything and I did to have him in my life.
I now see that my obession and it was obession clouded my better judgement. His “friendship†is a friendship I can do without and thankfully with NC I am.
NML read your entire book in one night, it’s great, makes keeping NC so much easier. Thank You.
“he called me a week later and I didn’t answer right then and there but waited the next day to return the call”
Wouldn’t that also suggest that you think it’s all about you?
So when you ignore his call its ok but when he ignores yours he’s being selfish.
I am managing well with the no contact rule except that he has added me to a group email so I keep getting humorous emails. I am sure its deliberate as I don’t think I got them before. Should I ask him to remove me from the group email or just ignore them? I could do without these constant reminders of his existence… Thanks
I get the NC, but what is AC? I know what you mean Ceri. It truly is difficult, if not impossible, to go back to being just friends with someone you have loved soooo deeply for soooo long. I cannot do it. When he, or I, call it quits the next time, it will be QUITS. There will be no going back for me. I have myself to think about. Honestly, I think my SO is ready too.
I can relate to MaryC’s story. I know I will always love him. He is a commitmentphobic. He creates turmoil, especially when things are going so nicely.
“It’s really important to remind yourself of what you actually want versus what you’ve actually been getting.â€
I like that you point out how our minds really do distort how things were in reality when we start to fantasize and long for them…
Those first few weeks are especially the hardest- its almost like your mind wont let you remember what it was you didnt like about your ex… And it just focuses on how great things were before you broke up.
Once the heartbreak and the longing set in its THAT much harder to not dwell on it.
I know that applying this rule is imperative to my future well being.. I just wish my heart would listen to my mind instead of making my body react with such withdrawal…
I don’t understand how I could accept this type of behaviour from someone? I don’t understand how “she” is the chosen one?
I realize the answer should be “who cares”… but right now I care…:(
I will be strong and I will follow through on the NCR because it is the only thing I haven’t done completely.. and i PRAY that I will feel better..
I’m on day two of the NCR! I wish I had found your website sooner as it would have saved me a few months of heartache. The only problem I’m having now is getting over this feeling that I’m hurting him. I want to contact him to explain why I can’t have contact with him! I have to keep reminding myself that this isn’t about him but about what is best for me and that he was never concerned about how his actions would effect me so I’m just returning the favor! It may sound vengeful but in reality it’s just the cold hard truth…
To help keep me strong I have this quote posted just about everywhere: Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. I say it over and over!
I send well wishes to everyone out there who may be struggling with this same situation. It will get better with time, be patient and be strong!
I am on day 5 of the NCR and its almost killing me but my dignity is more important. He hasn’t contact me up until four days ago after I sent him an email telling him to do whatever makes him happy. That I was going to live my life like its golden and love and work on ME!! and I did not return his call. He contact me twice; two days back to back. I wondered the same thing; If I may be hurting him and should I contact to let him know why I am not contacting him but I thought to myself Its not about him its about me and healing and moving through this process quickly and he obviously didn’t care about my needs. I am the one to usually give in and apologize but this time will be different. Real love doesn’t require a strategy but getting on with your life does so you have to plan an exit strategy that works best for you or keep going back to square one again which is a DEAD END ROAD that ain’t going nowhere. We become attached to what’s familar and sometimes we hold on to things that aren’t safe and predictable even if they’re bad for us. Staying in a relationship that’s on life support isn’t going to bring it back to life. Eventually you have to just pull the plug.
Good luck
JJ
Day 7
Plugging away with the NCR. Feels good for the most part .. I’d be lying if I said it still doesn’t hurt.
Funny thing though now is that I find it easier to go longer.. I keep putting all the negatives in the forefront of my mind instead pretending they aern’t there. It helps!
He kept contacting up until yesterday.. small messages and texts.”I still Love you” I need to share something with you” and all I kept thinking was BLAH BLAH BLAH Heard it before! Thank God I never responded. I can just see the 2 steps forward and 3 steps back waiting to happen.
I also was thinking I was being mean about not letting him know what I was doing but then it occurred to me from readngthe No Contact Rule that instead I should be thinking of all the hurting he has caused me and i became stronger for it.
Thank you for the NCR it is helping
How many pages are in the book?
Thank you!
So..
What day is it now? I have lost track… I think it’s approximately 14?
I feel better! YES I DO! I feel more in Control. I don’t miss the BS and the yo yo of emotions.
Once in a while I think of the positives ( or at least what i “convinced” myself were positives ) but for less and less time.. As soon as I remember the REALITY I go back to the rules of NC.
He has only sent two messages in the last 10 days… One giving me some “helpful” information.. which I didn’t ask for nor did I need and two just a quick “HI!”
I was tempted to respond and say ” Have you not got the hint? I’m abiding by the NCR..” But then I remembered the NCR.. why should I give him that notice… after all what has he done for me?
So I haven’t… and guess what? I FEEL BETTER!!!
Good luck to all of us.. and keep plugging along.. xo
I am in Day 7 of NC. Score is 6/7. Meaning 6 out of 7 days I haven’t had any contact. I slipped – but only slightly yesterday.
I am doing pretty good. Except I still go nuts when I see him hanging out with other girls. I can’t avoid ’seeing’ him as we work in the same place
Yesterday was day 15 of the NCR. I got loaded and sent an email. Got no response. Now I feel even more like an idiot when I was doing do well. Changed my number and everything. Now what?
You can make this as big or as small as you want to. My suggestion is to carry on as you were before the call. Nothing actually happened and to be fair, it’s just an email. If you have given your number, there isn’t much you can do short of changing it. Only you can decide if it’s an option. Don’t dwell on it. Use your frustration to remind yourself why you need to stay NC and maybe keep away from things like email and your phone when you’re drunk. Don’t let this derail you. Sometimes we have to fall off the wagon to know why we’re on it. You’re only human. x
well, for me its been almost 8 weeks since the breakup,,no contact (5th week)until he text me that he wanted to send me my jacket, so i responded with my address and said i appreciate it and he said it was the least he could do….then an hour later i sent him a text asking” am i the only one effed up about this whole thing ? was this all a big lie? (20 months we dated never fought, his lusting was our issue) he text me back and said “no it was not a lie, i didnt want to disrespect u anymore or force it, im sorry”. I responded with ” i just want closure so i can move on”,,he said he was sorry and would never bother me again..then came back with ” how can u get your closure”?, i suggested meeting at the place we met , when we met, he said sat would be good for him if i’d like, i also suggested if had moved on to a new relationship that good bye would be ok here and now but he insisted that he was not in a relationship, he had tried but he didnt give himself enough time and that he”d like to meet.Sat morning he text me at 5am, said he would not be coming down and sent my package in the mail.i responded an hour later with “ok”. tues he text me,,can i ask you a ? i answered almost 2 hours later with ? he did not ask the question, he waited till the next day to say,,sorry i jus needed some info.that was it,,i didnt answer him,,only that night to let him know i recieved my package and that i appreciate it(my leather jacket ) he said your wel that was last wedns(not yesterday) nothing more.Im sad yet i know he was no good for me, all he ever did since the beginning is make me feel insecure with his bragging about exes, gawking, and i found he had texted to women and made arrangements for each one to come over on different nights, i called he date for friday, i wasnt angry at her, and she told me it was not really a date but that he told her he had a friend with benefits but no girlfriend,,that hurt,,i broke it off, he beged and cried and pleaded for me to come back,,i did,,8 months later he cheated,said he was feeling needy, i was there thursday and sunday because he had friends from out of town so i was just being respectul of his guy time and he repays me by having sex w a stranger on Mon.and said he would go back for more.i dumped him, but n reality he dumped me when he made that choice..more letters, love songs, excuses, i went back, which is omething i have never done in my life is take back a flip flopping jeckl and hyde ass clown. fast foward 4 months, we go out with one of his exes,, she gets wild and loud i laugh and he said i was just as wild and crazy as she was and it was a turn off to him, he was an ass the rest of the weekend, so sunday we broke up, said i neede to be with someone who doesnt treat me badly.What a poor excuse for a man(boy).anyways that s my story in a nutshell, im 47 and have dated some great guys but since my mom passed during this relationship i believe i put up with more than i should have, now im paying the price,,i was in love with a snake.now i know how EVE felt lol
I think I have an answer for all of this:
When there is enough bad/negative evidence about how much of an EU person ANYONE in your life is–friend or significant other, man or woman–the KEY is to NOT give them the benefit of the doubt!
I have to face a pack of these types of people very soon. I have already cut one, a male acquaintance I have known for 20 years, out, mainly by just telling one of his best friends about all of his AC antics. Now the AC wants to talk to me…and I ignore him (I even walk away) whenever he approaches. I barely speak to a woman I had been best friends with, b/c she ignores me when my former AC and his wife are around. As Bette Davis once said (in “All About Eve”): “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night!” I won’t be a jerk. But I won’t be making things “easy” for anyone, by, let’s say, beung friendly and Miss Nicey Nice, which has been my pattern, mainly b/c, as a professional, I was too afraid of being labelled “The Angry Bitch,” which is a label a lot of people are quick to give to any professional female who makes the tiniest bit of defining-of-boundaries in her life!
@BEA: The jerk AC I knew, and who I will run into soon, acted the same exact way. No loss to you! Be thankful he showed his true colors sooner rather than later. This guy is NUTS, as mine was! And I was in a vulnerable state when I met him, and our mutual other AC “friends,” too.
I’m Back!
Lost track of the days!
Update… he sent a few short messages.. just like Nat said he would… simple “HI” or “HEY”….,.. blah blah didnt respond…..
Finally he sent another “HI” and I responded with ” I’ve moved on.. you should too…” of which came back.. ” what makes you think I haven’t? ”
DUH! YOU KEEP TEXTING ME!!! I didn’t respond…
Needless to say.. the following text from him was not so nice…
Funny how when you finally have the final leverage of not needing them and finally seeing them for who they really are.. you FINALLY realize how blinded you were!
I feel good, I feel happy and healthy.
Don’t despair.. give it time.. Take control! xo
NML… hmmm? so that’s what you look like? Just as I imagined. Thanks for the BLOG!
I had this very rule used on me by a woman who I had just been through an abortion with. After the abortion, I was of the opinion that the relationship was over but kept dragging it out because I needed to be sure that she had healed and was going to be ok.
During that period I found out she had cheated on me and with a woman who was a good friend of mine no less, which sent me through the ceiling with rage. I was so hurt by the two occurrances and so angry that I lost all perspective and would call and text and email her venting like a raving lunatic at the perceived betrayal and her insensitivity to have thrown a thing like infidelity in my face at the same time I was comming to grips with the emotions of the abortion experience.
After about two weeks of angry and bitter back and forth fighting she finally said she couldnt take it anymore, cut off all communication and we havent spoken in a year and a half since.
It was the perfect answer! It gave me permission to abandon her to her own recovery, freed me from having to worry about her well being, and allowed me the space “I” needed to heal and move on with “my” life. Within three months I was completely over the relationship. . That would never have happened as fast if the lines of communication had remained open and the dynamic of the relationship had stayed in the toxic holding pattern it was in. I highly recommend this course of action for anyone who wants to accelerate the healing process after their relationship crashes and burns. Great advice! – the feminist angst and bitterness of the author is a little over the top in my opinion but hey its written for hurting women looking for closure and the article itself is spot on.
Amazing amazing amazing! Every girl should read this – it will comfort you through the darkest of days and lead you to a much happier you!!!! NC is the only way forward, I went cold turkey and cut him out of my life – yes, i have to admit I fell off the wagon twice (silly emails) and got no response from him but that was the best thing to happen to me. You don’t need these men to validate you – we do not need the drama. These men are twisted and have alterier motives that, quite frankly, are part of a hidden agenda we shouldnt even be part of – walk away ladies!
Hi there, I started the no contact rule after a final blow up by him whereby he humiliated me in a club and told me amongst other things that he hated me. We had been dating for 3 years and were madly in love, but he has anger issues and is terribly insecure. When he even gets slightly angry horrible things shoot out of his mouth and he will degrade me instantly. Anyway, for the first time in 3 years, I applied the NC rule because I finally had enough. I refused to take blame for things that were not my fault anymore and stopped arguing with him and stopped all contact. It has been 10 days and although he tried to contact me a few times, since I never replied. However, yesterday I FAILED! He wrote me an email saying that he didn’t want things to end in such a bad way and that he really loved me and missed me and would like to meet me for coffee to have a civil conversation as “anger is not closure”. I fell for the sincerity thinking that he was right and as we do not have children together, between us we have 5 and our kids are friends and I thought it would be a good idea to try and be civil. ANYWAY, I wrote him back something very simple, just saying that I agree anger is not closure and that I would be willing to get together at some point. GUESS WHAT? NO REPLY!!! I FAILED!!!!! I feel terrible and believe he just did it to regain his power…what a jerk! NOW WHAT? I would appreciate any suggestions. Should I write back and say on second thought, I”m not interested in meeting, I need more time????
Thanks so much!
Penelope–
Grab a bot of power back by telling him the truth in ONE last email, and then go No Contact Forever. You will write: In my last email to you, I stated that we should meet up so that we would have decent closure to move on based on my belief that doins so would be best for our children, as they are freindly with each other and should not be subject to the negative energy between us; however, based on the fact that later facts show that you were obviously insincere in your proposal to meet up for good closure, I will use this email as an opportunity–our last opportunity–to provide closure here via saying goodbye, and leave me and my family alone. I do not want my children to be subjected ti your presence, or that of your children, who will, no doubt, be influenced by you in their behavior, values, judgments, and morals. Best of luck to you.
You can not have No Contact while your kids continue to be around each other. Make sure they are NEVER are around each other.
Wow! Thank you so much for your input! What you wrote was perfectly said and I think will definitely show him that I am no longer his doormat. It is also a perfect way of showing him that my interest in meeting up was more for our children than for him.
Thank you, thank you!
Penelope–
Too many spelling errors: “bot” should be “bit”; “doins” should be “doing”; “freindly” should be “friendly”; ;and “ti” should be “to.”
Too many pregnancy hormones running rampant. Sorry. (And the pregnancy is why Iam in the house, and online more, this week.)
Hi Penelope
I had to reply to your message because it seems like we are just about seeing the same exact person being that you said he used his anger in ways to belittle you and you stated that he is very insecure. Yea it does sound like he was definitely just trying to regain some CONTROL and POWER by not responding back to you. All he needed was a little bit of Reassurance from you to boost his EGO. I know you feel like you are at square one again and now you got to start all over but it has to be worth it in the in.
I just got of a relationship with a guy a year this month actually. I was doing the NCR(no contact) on him for about 7 days; no emails; no texts; or anything and on that 7th day he called me. I didn’t answer immediately. But he left a message stating that Well I’m trying to call you; but since you can’t answer your phone; Have a Nice Life!! He said this in a mean degrading way. I ofcourse the emotional one that I am; not thinking smart; returned his call and right then that was his chance to take back that CONTROL and POWER. He threw the bait and I caught it. After I called him back things were really just the same; no changes; him still insecure; not spending time or being with me; talking down on me and angry at me cause his life was all suddenly SREWED up..
Week two its a Friday night he calls me; again I had not called him but he calls me and states that he’s out with some friends and when I asked who; he still didn’t give me any justifications of who he was with. Its a Friday night; and if we are together like we say we are then why wouldn’t he be out with me? During that convo he kind of brushed me off the phone and saying he’d give me a call back. Point 1. At that very moment I had once boosted his EGO again by asking him who he was with and then asking him why he couldn’t specify. After we hung up I thought to myself; WTH? No woman deserves to be treated like this and I am suppose to agree with it? I called him back about an hour later ; he didn’t answer and I left on his voicemail that I thought we should go our seperate ways since I obviously wanted this more than him and I wasn’t getting that. Sent him a very ugly email and let him have it. (It was pretty cruel but the TRUTH about everything and how unfairly he treated me. He never called me back that night.
Sat is the next following day; I didn’t call or contact him. Sunday comes and that’s when I begin to feel myself breaking; and contacted him only because I started to feel bad about the email I sent; and number 2 I already knew he was experiencing a job loss and that following week. So I’m now wanting to take back a few of the ugly things I said in the email that I sent over the past few days and reach out to him. WRONG MOVE!! Telling him that I apologize I have been calling him; and texting for 3 days all to no response…It is day 5 for him and he has not responded to any of my calls or msg’s. At this very moment he may be trying to take back that CONTROL and POWER once again by flipping the script and not responding to me but ITS’ Definitely OVA!! It won’t be another chapter with him; only a different NEW story;cause its time to rewrite the SCRIPT!! Good luck and hang in there!
JJ
Help!! I am back at square one again.. I was on my 7th day of the NCR made absolutely no calls; emails; or texts during that entire time and on that 7th day he calls me. I didn’t answer immediately.. I guess cause I didn’t answer; he leaves me a msg on my voicemail saying well I’m trying to call; since you can’t answer your phone ” Have a Nice Life. I being the emotional person that I am called him back a few minutes later… Yes he threw the bait and reeled me back in. During the next few days there really wasn’t much that made me think any different; no sudden changes; nothing and on last week I left word on his voicemail immediately after he called me and told me he was out with friends; with no justifications of specifying who… Get this he called me!! I didn’t call him. He said he’d call me back in a few but after about an hour I started to think to myself.. WTH? Is he crazy? No woman in they’re right mind would except this behavior. I immediately called his phone back; no answer and I left on his voicemail that I thought that we should just part ways.
Two days later I emailed and called him only because I was feeling emotional knowing what he was up against ( mostly hardship of him loosing his job)which he had mentioned to me that night he called me and told me he was out with the friends; couldn’t tell me he was out with. Basically I wanted to reach out and have been doing so for the past three days. He hasn’t returned any of my calls or emails for the last 5 days. Today I have managed not to make any contact. So now I am back at square one again. I cannot keep putting myself through this. Help!!!
I had stumbled on this page while trying to find some advise with my own Mr Emotionally Unavailable. If you have gotten through one day with no contact then you will get through another. You have already done it once you will do it again. He does this to you because you let him. It has been done to me only because I allowed it. If he had it in him to be with you fully and completely he would have by now. That is the ephiphany that I am working through now.
Stay strong.
Thanks for the advice Shelby. Good luck to you.
JJ
I’m on Week 3 of non contact. I’ve had a rollercoaster of emotions, but removed all means of impulsive contact- so in that sense I’m protected. I work in the psychiatric field as a nurse. I think we should formulate a support network like AA- only this is “Assclowns Anonymous”. We should get chips like they do in AA for marking sobriety – one 7 day chip for each week of the first month, then 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, 6 months, to a 1 year chip if need be. Wouldn’t a pack of these chips go great with NML’s “No Contact Rule” as a marketing tool??? Can we get a patent?
May I recommend another website that I have found particularly valuable…the host is Susan Elliot and her website Getting Past Your Past also focuses on many of the same issues discussed here. She has incorporated the 12 step chip idea for No Contact
… between this great site and that one I have been able to find my way after my recent break-up with an EUM. Thanks to the supportive insighful words of both these ladies and the individuals that post to the site, I have taken measures to address my issues and be the best person I can be
…I also often think of this affirmation that a life coach once shared with me…”I am passing up good for great!”
Cheeky
You are doing well Valerie with the 3 weeks of NC. I am just on day 3 but I’m well on my way. Yea that’s a great idea.. some kind of tool where whoever succeeds the furthest with the NCR gets the most chips Way to go..
JJ
JJ,
As in AA, they read the Big Book for inspiration to stay sober. NML’s books can serve the same purpose. Don’t feel bad- I’ve slipped in the past when I tried to walk away and never made it past a month. This time IS different- I am literally reorganizing my life. I have joined a gym and signed up for social groups on Meetup.com to make friends,not to just replace him. I will still re-read her books to stay on track when I feel depressed,etc. I look at it as an addiction. It took me 7 tries to quit smoking- this is even harder.
HI,
I stumbled across this site looking for advice and support. And need to thank you.
I’m only on day 2(we only broke up yesterday). He didn’t cheat, lie, treat me bad, he simply told me he loved me more than anything on the thursday but yesterday said that he didnt feel the same and couldnt do this anymore. He simply fell out of love yet wont actually say he doesnt love me.
Weve sent a couple of messages on fb and ive now started No Contact. Its empowering and i look forward to it feeling that way but if Im honest, at the moment, I’m just in so much pain.
Jill – you will get there. I am several months down the NC route and I promise you, in time it will get easier. You need to avoid all contact..and that include Facebook – and don’t do what I did..stalk him! I was on F.B checking his status, I could have rivalled M15 with the amount of info I gathered, and it only made me feel a zillion times worse – it’s not worth it. Don’t email and don’t take any calls – use it as a fresh start. You will get there. I found the strength building after my first month, it is an ongoing battle but with a HUGE reward at the end of it! Good luck!!
Thankyou. Im 25 and have been through this and i know its not the end of the world…my friends clearly think im stupid to be so upset but he spoke of marriage and kids and the future with me, like a week ago and then yesterday just said he didnt think he loved me anymore. Ive deleted him from facebook….ive done fb stalking before and it doesnt help!!! We spoke briefly on FB but ive deleted it…he wont be calling me, he clearly wants nothing to do with me…thats the hardest bit!! I just miss him so much and ive not mailed or text or called but its the hardest thing ever…I just ant to know why
and what i did that made him fall out of love with me 
Hi Jill, I know it’s hard but try and not think about what you did wrong – this is not about you – it’s about him being emotionally unavailable. He is showing very clear Emotional Unavailable traits – within 3 days he goes from being in love to out of love!? You have got to ask yourself, especially if he became a permenant fixture in your life, do you want someone that is that unpredictable! You should know where you stand in a relationship and not be kept in the dark. It’s only been 4 days – so give yourself time, it’s early days. In theory, this man ‘may’ come back back to you at some stage, more so if you stick to NC, at which point you can tell him to f**k off! No-one deserves to be treated this way, so create that boundary through NC (In fact, read some of NML’s posts on ‘boundaries’ – they are amazing) and get strong. Good luck!
Hi Susie
Thanks for the advice. Yeah i have read posts and the NC and its fantastic. I know it will get better and I know what everyone is saying is true. Im taking Salsa classes from tomorrow to give myself something else to focus on and whenever i want to call and text i come on here or call and text a friend.
He was unpredictable and definitely had his bad points which is what im trying to focus on….im finding it hard…every minute sems like an hour…..hopefully il be able to do it
THANK YOU
I’m on day two and have no urge to reconnect. I just found out today he was likely seeing not only his EX but also another woman. Of course it’s second hand info but i wouldn’t be surprised. PHEW. dodged a major bullet.
Another great trick is to stop thinking about all the good stuff you had with him or good things about him
and start remembering and keeping in mind all the crappy things . Like, was he THAT good in bed? What about that disgusting habit he had….anything at all that repulsed you a little bit…it’s ok to be shallow.
point is , get disgusted with him and the attraction will fade.