The No Contact Rule
Welcome back! Have you got my ebooks - The No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl? Also become a fan of Baggage Reclaim on Facebook, follow me onTwitter, and join the forum.
The No Contact Rule is the essential guide to breaking up when you can’t or won’t let go, or you’re tired of being treated like a backup plan.
When a relationship ends, your interest isn’t returned, or you’re dealing with a commitment-shy person, the sense of rejection that results tends to cause us to continue to engage with them for attention and validation in the hope of a happy ending. Instead we create more pain for ourselves and are unable to move on.
Have you found yourself unable to let go of a relationship even though the person has already moved on?
Are you hoping that if you hold on for long enough, the object of your affections will reciprocate your feelings?
Do you keep breaking up to make up? Have you been doing it for years?
Do you become near obsessed when it’s over and keep returning to the relationship in the hope that things will be different this time?
Or have you found yourself dealing with someone who keeps trying to contact you when you tell them it’s over…but is not prepared to give you the relationship you want?
Confused by being chased, the mixed signals, the hounding you with texts and phonecalls and then disappearing, the leaving you for one woman and then sniffing around you, and their patent inability to let you go so that you can grieve and move on?
Does he keep talking about being friends but is pushing for sexual contact?
Is he not interested in you in ‘that way’ but you keep trying to persuade him?
Do you avoid him for a while and then call him out of the blue hoping that he’ll be different?
Wondering how you can continue working together or how you can get him out of your hair when you share children?
Inject boundaries so you can kill off the yo-yoing and boomeranging back and forth so that you can move on.
Breaking up by cutting contact is the extremely effective way of teaching someone that it’s over through actions instead of what they perceive to be empty words. It communicates that whatever terms have been enjoyed previously are now over.
This detailed comprehensive survival guide provides all the info you need to understand what no contact is, why it’s necessary and effective, what they’re thinking, dealing with the feeling of rejecting breaking your pattern and understanding your compulsion, dealing with NC with co-workers or the parent of your child, how to stay the course, and get onto rebuilding your life so that you can move on.
The No Contact Rule will stop you from ruling out all your options by fighting the compulsion to make him, the relationship, and your pain the only option.
Chasing someone who doesn’t love you back, or want you in the way that you want them, or recognise your value is exhausting. Get your energy, your sanity, your self-esteem and your power back, so that you can live.
Buy and download your copy now via e-junkie for £10 (approx $15.98, €11.13 – it converts to your currency automatically at the checkout).
Using my own experiences and those of readers, I’ve written The No Contact Rule ebook to help you gain back your power and help you avoid and minimise the opportunities for people to abuse your boundaries, or for you. If you’ve had a history of dealing with emotionally unavailable men and guys that mistreat you, this acts as a companion to my other ebook Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl, which is a no holds barred guide to understanding the dynamics of the most prolific type of relationship in modern times. Find out more or you can purchase both of them together in a bundle for £15 for a limited time (normal price for the 2 is £22.50).
Who Am I? I (Natalie Lue also known as NML) am the founder of Baggage Reclaim which I use to help empower people so that they can have healthier relationships, both with themselves and out there in the crazy world of dating and relationships. With over 120K readers a month, through my blog posts, ebooks, and also working one-on-one with readers, I’ve used my experiences and my insight into the dynamics of modern day relationships to help people make positive change.
I’m not a psychologist or psych anything. I’m someone who used to have poor taste in men and thought I was having a run of bad luck until I got real with myself and recognised that I was the only common denominator in my relationships and that I had my own issues with commitment and emotional unavailability. That journey has been shared through my blogs and many men and women have used it to get real with themselves so that they can be accountable for their own choices.
If you are a blogger/media owner and would like to review the book for your publication, please email your details, including where the review will be appearing and approximately when you expect it to appear – natalie [at]baggagereclaim.co.uk
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
I just finished reading the guide and I think it is absolutely “awesome.” Honestly, I READ IT IN A DAY BECAUSE I COULDN’T PUT IT DOWN! I am in no contact now and it really reinforced that I needed to redirect my energies and try to stop thinking about that AC but I only have to do it one day at a time.
The entire guide was very informative. The chapter on Breaking your pattern by undertanding your compulsion’ really resonated with me since I can get obsessive and compulisve in my thinking at times. I won’t ever love another man that is not consistently showing me that he loves me as much as I love him.
There are people out there waiting to slap me/steal my confidence and run but I will be waiting for them. Because of this book and you women on this blog I know that nothing is wrong with me, I’ve just made a few bad investments. (I love that part of the book since I never looked at it like that) I would recommend that anyone struggling with an AC read this guide. It’s priceless!
AWESOME!! keep em comin!
Thank you Wild~Thing! I’m glad you picked up the core message about bad investments – if it were another investment, we wouldn’t keep trying to throw money at it to make it come good. We’d know our limit and get out so that we can minimise our loss. Happy new year to you and thanks for being so quick at getting it read and reviewed! Hugs xx
Natalie, I just start to read your NC book, it is amazing!!! I love it so much, thank you!!!
Even though I am not super keen of reading a lot on my laptop, I decided to buy both e-books – with the intent to give FBG to someone I know who needs it and will get some much needed peace from it- and read the NCR book myself.
So I came home from work, sat by the fire and read NCR in one sitting. Even though I have read this blog for a year now I recommend this book as a solid, kind and entertaining read, entirely worthy of one’s time and $$, no matter where you are in your journey.
I would guess that if you are still engaged in the throes of relationship insanity thet FBG would be the book to read first. It can take some time to wrap your head around the mindf**ck that the flakiest of the arseclowns of the world present.
Once decided upon, however, NC is the big step in the journey to rediscovery of all that is important to you and all that is important about you. The many aspects of NC are well covered in the NCR book and there are so many worthy ideas that you cannot hear too often, as you work to wash that AC right out of your hair.
Here was a paragraph that stood out for me, and that last line is so important.
” If you want the feeling of rejection to subside and avoid being rejected by men who are unworthy of your time:
1) Take the focus off him and bring it back to you by reminding yourself of exactly why their behaviour doesn’t work for you. Remind yourself of what you want, how you want to feel, the boundaries that have been crossed, and their failure to recognise
your value and treat you with love, care, respect, and trust. Make sure your own actions treat you with what was missing.”
I also liked…
“It’s really important to remind yourself of what you actually want versus what you’ve actually been getting.”
and finally, these are such kind and true words..
“He’s shown and told you all that you need to know. Let go. That is what closure is about.”
With a solid and decent guy you can discuss the subject of needs and get somewhere, to compromise, at a minimum. With the EUM / AC all you will ever get is flakiness and confusion if you can even get to discussion.
Once I realized this I knew NC was absolutely necessary because I was dealing with a flakey faker. I had no fear of pain, nor being alone; how could NC be any worse than the pain of being involved with the EUM? No, it was not fear of pain; the processing and coming to grips with the illusion of the relationship have been the hard and ongoing part of NC for me. I lived with the illusion that he cared for me for so long and I really am having to retrain my head’s longstanding beliefs about him.
But I have never doubted or wavered about doing this work, nor sticking to my boundary of NC / no BS. We truly are responsible for our own happiness, or misery, its our choice.
Moreover, I am certain my life is better for this. Not only I will never get involved in something as dark as the EUM/AC experience again but I am now so clear on what I do want in a healthy relationship. I am not sure I would have come to see all of this so quickly ( a year !) on my own, without this wisdom I found on this site, much of which is well summed up in this book.
Highly recommended. Nice work NML !
May I first tell you what a great concept it is and how incredibly well you’ve pulled it off! Most dating/break-up books either come across as patronising or too aggressive and you have found a firm-but-understanding middle ground between the two, which is no easy task.
The format is unusual but it works. The short paragraphs and highlighted information makes it easy to digest and even easier to put into action. You can dip in and out of the text when you need a quick reminder of what you’re doing and why and every page is informative and necessary. In short, there’s no annoying filler sections!
There’s humour and personal experience scattered throughout the book which makes it a lot easier on the head and heart. When you realise that you’re reading a book by someone who has been there, done that and wanted to unmercilessly throw every insult under the sun at the person who has screwed them over, it becomes almost as if you’re having a conversation with a friend who really knows their stuff.
The chapters are logical and follow through nicely. There are clear definitions between sections and it’s easy to bookmark and re-read the parts you want because they’re so well highlighted.
My only criticism is that this book wasn’t around when I had to deal with the drama of my ex! I struggled with the whole ‘no contact’ thing for months but this book could have given me all the encouragement and information I needed in just days! I’ll definitely be keeping it around for future reference though…
Thank you so much for letting me read and review your book. You have done a fantastic job with it and it’s refreshing to see some new, honest and practical advice out there.
Yet again, you teach me what I need to know about men — and myself — to face the facts about relationships. Thank you, Nat.
The timing was perfect too.
Combined with your other e-book, ‘Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl’, plus this latest ‘No Contact Rule’ = the bible for women of any race, religion or creed or education to go from having unhappy relationships to being a happy person who would NEVER make the same painful mistakes again. This is all about how to recognize what is REAL versus what is illusion, and be the wiser/stronger for it, making choices in the future that work for you instead of against you.
Excellent work, Nat. You put ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ to shame – it is only the first grade of education about men – your books and blog is grad school
Your ‘No Contact Rule’ ebook is the most helpful and therapeutic book I have ever read (and I’ve read quite a lot). No disrespect to other writers but most of them tell you how happily married they are and lead the most perfect life etc. There is nothing wrong with that but with your book/posts you have experienced a lot of what we are going through so you are more compassionate yet say it how it is.
This is what we need a good role model like you, someone who has shared her journey with us, got to the bottom of how AC’s operate, faced the source of what lead you there and moved on to settle in a healthy relationship with two beautiful children.
There is a part in your book where it mentions that some women have to watch while the AC moves from one person in the office to another and has to watch girls fighting for his attention. Well this is very similar to my situation at the moment.
At first he came over as a genuine, faithful person and most thought the same. I knew him for years but only saw what he wanted me to see, very charming. When he split up with his partner he asked me out and I jumped to the chance it was great, lots of chemistry and we met up quite often……then he got back with his ex. The trouble is when I deleted his number and tried to move on he would appear and I was so emotionally invested I’d give in to him, I was in a vicious circle wanting out but couldn’t let go for some reason. A few months before I did this NC every time he wanted to meet up I’d make an excuse or ignore his messages, there were lots of women gooey eyed and basically throwing themselves at him so it was obvious he was meeting up with one of them at least but still kept sending me messages or telling me if things were different he’d be with me (what an idiot!). Anyway that was my enough moment what does he want a harem! I’d also got her following me about and when he managed to corner me into talking to him she would appear and be all over him trying to drag him away! I think he wanted us to play each other off and fight for him. whilst she is willing to I’m not! Now he realizes that I’m out I think he has lost interest with her and found other victims.
I’m lucky that he works in a different office and I have managed to avoid him for a while. your book has kept me sane and helped me though this, I just need her to get off my case and vent her anger at him not me… I don’t want him now!
It’s been 12 days since I applied NC and I have to say how amazing I feel. You never go back to the existence pre EUM but where I am now emotionally is a far better place. I am loving my life right now! I knew when after I dumped him and how relieved I felt afterward that I had made the right decison and although he called me a week later and I didn’t anwer right then and there but waited the next day to return the call only for him to ignore the call, which I knew he would, that was my wake up call that he really thinks it’s all about him. I am in a much better place and I just want to thank him for getting me to this place.
After my ex cheated and left me for another he still wanted to be “friends”. He said he still cared about me and keeping our “friendship” even though he had another girlfriend.. Unfortunately I put up with that for almost 2yrs including having sex with him. Back then I would of done anything and I did to have him in my life.
I now see that my obession and it was obession clouded my better judgement. His “friendship” is a friendship I can do without and thankfully with NC I am.
NML read your entire book in one night, it’s great, makes keeping NC so much easier. Thank You.
I am managing well with the no contact rule except that he has added me to a group email so I keep getting humorous emails. I am sure its deliberate as I don’t think I got them before. Should I ask him to remove me from the group email or just ignore them? I could do without these constant reminders of his existence… Thanks
I get the NC, but what is AC? I know what you mean Ceri. It truly is difficult, if not impossible, to go back to being just friends with someone you have loved soooo deeply for soooo long. I cannot do it. When he, or I, call it quits the next time, it will be QUITS. There will be no going back for me. I have myself to think about. Honestly, I think my SO is ready too.
I can relate to MaryC’s story. I know I will always love him. He is a commitmentphobic. He creates turmoil, especially when things are going so nicely.
“It’s really important to remind yourself of what you actually want versus what you’ve actually been getting.”
I like that you point out how our minds really do distort how things were in reality when we start to fantasize and long for them…
Those first few weeks are especially the hardest- its almost like your mind wont let you remember what it was you didnt like about your ex… And it just focuses on how great things were before you broke up.
Once the heartbreak and the longing set in its THAT much harder to not dwell on it.
I know that applying this rule is imperative to my future well being.. I just wish my heart would listen to my mind instead of making my body react with such withdrawal…
I don’t understand how I could accept this type of behaviour from someone? I don’t understand how “she” is the chosen one?
I realize the answer should be “who cares”… but right now I care…:(
I will be strong and I will follow through on the NCR because it is the only thing I haven’t done completely.. and i PRAY that I will feel better..
I’m on day two of the NCR! I wish I had found your website sooner as it would have saved me a few months of heartache. The only problem I’m having now is getting over this feeling that I’m hurting him. I want to contact him to explain why I can’t have contact with him! I have to keep reminding myself that this isn’t about him but about what is best for me and that he was never concerned about how his actions would effect me so I’m just returning the favor! It may sound vengeful but in reality it’s just the cold hard truth…
To help keep me strong I have this quote posted just about everywhere: Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. I say it over and over!
I send well wishes to everyone out there who may be struggling with this same situation. It will get better with time, be patient and be strong!
Day 7
Plugging away with the NCR. Feels good for the most part .. I’d be lying if I said it still doesn’t hurt.
Funny thing though now is that I find it easier to go longer.. I keep putting all the negatives in the forefront of my mind instead pretending they aern’t there. It helps!
He kept contacting up until yesterday.. small messages and texts.”I still Love you” I need to share something with you” and all I kept thinking was BLAH BLAH BLAH Heard it before! Thank God I never responded. I can just see the 2 steps forward and 3 steps back waiting to happen.
I also was thinking I was being mean about not letting him know what I was doing but then it occurred to me from readngthe No Contact Rule that instead I should be thinking of all the hurting he has caused me and i became stronger for it.
Thank you for the NCR it is helping
How many pages are in the book?
Thank you!
So..
What day is it now? I have lost track… I think it’s approximately 14?
I feel better! YES I DO! I feel more in Control. I don’t miss the BS and the yo yo of emotions.
Once in a while I think of the positives ( or at least what i “convinced” myself were positives ) but for less and less time.. As soon as I remember the REALITY I go back to the rules of NC.
He has only sent two messages in the last 10 days… One giving me some “helpful” information.. which I didn’t ask for nor did I need and two just a quick “HI!”
I was tempted to respond and say ” Have you not got the hint? I’m abiding by the NCR..” But then I remembered the NCR.. why should I give him that notice… after all what has he done for me?
So I haven’t… and guess what? I FEEL BETTER!!!
Good luck to all of us.. and keep plugging along.. xo
I am in Day 7 of NC. Score is 6/7. Meaning 6 out of 7 days I haven’t had any contact. I slipped – but only slightly yesterday.
I am doing pretty good. Except I still go nuts when I see him hanging out with other girls. I can’t avoid ’seeing’ him as we work in the same place
Yesterday was day 15 of the NCR. I got loaded and sent an email. Got no response. Now I feel even more like an idiot when I was doing do well. Changed my number and everything. Now what?
You can make this as big or as small as you want to. My suggestion is to carry on as you were before the call. Nothing actually happened and to be fair, it’s just an email. If you have given your number, there isn’t much you can do short of changing it. Only you can decide if it’s an option. Don’t dwell on it. Use your frustration to remind yourself why you need to stay NC and maybe keep away from things like email and your phone when you’re drunk. Don’t let this derail you. Sometimes we have to fall off the wagon to know why we’re on it. You’re only human. x