Also I wanted to bump this topic up to the top, couldn’t find it directly thru Baggage Reclaim.

Sorry - the fear of change, the fear of the ‘ticking clock’ - these are tough.

So don’t sit waiting for the feelings to go away - start adding some *good* feelings and interests. Spend time with friends, or get acquainted with a few respectable, honest people. You might find young adults at church, the bowling alley, activity groups at work like volleyball, softball, etc.

You don’t get real abuse without disrespect and deceit. By acting more honest yourself, your self esteem should improve. By choosing companions of honest character, you reinforce yourself, and work toward a life without abuse.

Start a diary. Record your thoughts and feelings daily, or even several times a day. That way you don’t have as much need to share the gritty details with others, and you get to express all that needs to be expressed. Then get to the nearest bookstore, or bowling alley, or art gallery, to experience healthy social activity - TV is unhealthy if you are trying to heal. Really.

There are a couple of things you can do to work on getting a family started. First is to find a guy that will be a good co-parent to your children - good with kids and animals, disciplined, honest, steady. Next is to start living like you want your future-parent-self to live - guarding your home from abuse, from bad influences, guiding your kids to the honest and hard-working life you demonstrate for them. And get some married women to help find a candidate. Who better to tell the good ones from the flashy night club lifers?

Blessed be, and best of luck.

I am afraid of moving on. I am about to have a birthday 29 yrs old coming up. I guess I thought I would be married by now. I have invested a lot of time in something that is not only not going anywhere but has causes me pain. I am afraid that he will change his abusive behavior and find someone else to love . I guess I have been enabling him. Part of me blames myself for the verbal abuse. Every time I answer his phone calls it just shows him that it is alright to harass and disrespect women. I wish my feeling for him will just go away.

Maybe, just maybe, the love you feel has many parts of need and fear of change, as well as the obvious physical bonding.

Your relationship ended back when you said, “Goodbye, don’t call.” What has happened since has been denial of the ending and fear of the future.

People change. We can’t change people, because change is chaotic - and no one knows what the results of change will be. Ever. But your guy hasn’t changed in any meaningful ways. In one sense, you appear to be *enabling* him, using addiction language, to continue behaving badly. Since you cannot change him (and haven’t in some years), the best is for you to avoid him. You can’t afford to continue taking part in a destructive relationship, and he isn’t going to change while he has you, his ex, and whatever other people are letting him continue without improving.

And a big part of letting go is the grief you feel. Not grief as in, “Good grief, man!” - but the real, widow-kind of physical and emotional loss. There are resources available for dealing with the stages of grief, pastors and counselors, even libraries. Identify the distinct stages of grief, deal with the denial, the anger, the acceptance. Most people go through grief in their lives, it is a shame it isn’t taught in school with sex education.

And for goodness’ sake, talk to your police about this stalking, see if you can’t get your phone to block his phones. Have an attorney write him a registered letter to stop harassing you. No contact. As if your life depends on it.

I have been doing well with the no contact rule. But I broke down last Wednesday and answered the 4th phone call he made to my cell phone on that night. This might sound stupid but I love him. The part of him that is sweet anyway. I feel sorry for him. I am very depressed. It is just so mentally hard to get over him. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY I LOVE THIS MAN? WHY I KEEP ANSWERING HIS PHONE CALLS AND WHY I CAN’T MOVE ON?

Give him the dog. Your emotional bond to the dog is keeping you emotionally involved with him.

We often lose pets, eventually, and as long as he goes to a good home you will have an easier parting than many people that lose a beloved pet.

By being the one to give up the dog, you signal your intent to let the past go as well. Apart from the loss of a close companion, you may feel some relief from the bonds to your former (shared) life with him.

Give yourself a couple of months to recover from losing the pet before picking up another, unless maybe you get a goldfish or gourami in a bowl. Aquarium fish don’t share a life in quite the same way, but can be a living thing that needs you, that lends life and beauty to their surroundings.

About work, just be professional. Dress conservative - nothing fun, or sexy, or anything intended to attract recreation-type attention. This will let both of you relax into patterns of interaction for business, with fewer reminders of more intimate times - or implying you are open to more intimate interactions. By deliberately choosing conservatively each day, you help focus yourself on the work at the office, and not past history.

Watch the smile. Don’t let a smile of thanks or appreciation slip over into an ‘inviting’ smile. Think ‘courtesy’, not ‘flirt’. Don’t take anger to the office, either, it makes the day longer and isn’t fair to customers and others - and continues the emotional involvement you want to leave behind.

Be cautious about sharing intimate information at work. It is one thing to share adventures and tales with someone you *haven’t* been intimate with - that is what friends are for. But when leaving someone, what might have been friendly can be seen as anything from rude to inviting.

And after three or four years (really, count them 42 to 54 *months*, and yes, that really is 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 years, according to one study), you can go back to ‘normal’ at work!

Luck!