Comments on: The Outrageous Principle: When someone tests you to see how much they can get away with http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:27:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: jenni lau http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/comment-page-1/#comment-262136 jenni lau Sat, 22 May 2010 09:00:20 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/#comment-262136 im telling you..i've just undergone into a test of such man..he measured me up on how will i be treated. i dit not bite on his hooks. now the way he treats me is changed, as far as i think. my curiousity now is whether's JJ's ex is the same man whom im having now bec they are a bit relevant. JJ if you can get back to me and tell the real name of that man, i just suspect that him and mine are the same person.. well we cant tell so anyhow right. bec these bullshits are the same in this kind of game...on the other hand he said he is looking for a real woman whom he can stay with long term. maybe its a ploy he did to me to discover if i can pass up to the category of ' finally, his wifey material'..id like to give him chance. im surprised to read that there is such a behaviour like this. its just happened to me without being aware such men exist..i feel happy for my self bec without knowing i should be warned of with existence of such craps, i have the inherent good, clean dont mess with me values. ill stay in touch with this site and be happy to blog his real name in case hell turn up into an ass. why dont we have the right to put thier real name in here anyway, even just thier initials and a bit discription of whats their work and physical appearance? so anyone who reads in these blogs can identify if their bloke is mentioned in anyway here? can some one agree to this suggestion? i think its a clever idea to at least get even on them?! im telling you..i’ve just undergone into a test of such man..he measured me up on how will i be treated. i dit not bite on his hooks. now the way he treats me is changed, as far as i think.

my curiousity now is whether’s JJ’s ex is the same man whom im having now bec they are a bit relevant. JJ if you can get back to me and tell the real name of that man, i just suspect that him and mine are the same person.. well we cant tell so anyhow right. bec these bullshits are the same in this kind of game…on the other hand he said he is looking for a real woman whom he can stay with long term. maybe its a ploy he did to me to discover if i can pass up to the category of ‘ finally, his wifey material’..id like to give him chance. im surprised to read that there is such a behaviour like this. its just happened to me without being aware such men exist..i feel happy for my self bec without knowing i should be warned of with existence of such craps, i have the inherent good, clean dont mess with me values.

ill stay in touch with this site and be happy to blog his real name in case hell turn up into an ass.

why dont we have the right to put thier real name in here anyway, even just thier initials and a bit discription of whats their work and physical appearance? so anyone who reads in these blogs can identify if their bloke is mentioned in anyway here?

can some one agree to this suggestion? i think its a clever idea
to at least get even on them?!

]]> By: JJ http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/comment-page-1/#comment-261934 JJ Thu, 20 May 2010 07:33:18 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/#comment-261934 oh... great example.. he took me out to dinner on my birhtday but takes every bite of what's left from my meal that I didn't finish eating as his to go plate for himself...Hello!!! Its my birthday.. shouldn't it be my to go plate instead of yours since its my birthday and you treated me? You see he paid for my dinner but he was determined to get it back somehow. This is the kind of stuff that he does... oh… great example.. he took me out to dinner on my birhtday but takes every bite of what’s left from my meal that I didn’t finish eating as his to go plate for himself…Hello!!! Its my birthday.. shouldn’t it be my to go plate instead of yours since its my birthday and you treated me? You see he paid for my dinner but he was determined to get it back somehow. This is the kind of stuff that he does…

]]> By: JJ http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/comment-page-1/#comment-261931 JJ Thu, 20 May 2010 07:22:02 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/#comment-261931 Natthecat Just looking at your list of what the other woman will be getting should make any woman RUN.... and not look back. Thats good that you made your list... Its always good to keep a mental list too in our minds of every single bad thing we allowed ourselves to put up with. To whomever falls victim to my narcissists ass clown ex you will be getting..... 1. Lots of talk about what he's trying to buy next; doesn't matter what it is(money; his bill paid; gas for his car cause he can't afford to drive and see you) because he is a materialistic moron....(while he's hoping you'll say don't worry about it; I'll get it for you... no matter what the cost; while he's think that you owe it to him anyway. 2. Critical attitude and critical comments.. (he tries to put you down verbally with his words... a great manipulator. 3. Gonna want to consistenly drown you with all of his problems; his life drama;whether you ask to be told or not because it is all about him. He 's never concerned with your needs; wants or your life. 4. His continuous FARTS... around you(will never say excuse me) 5. Doesn't brush his teeth or shower as often as a man should(because he gets off of work late and says he's too dam tired to do so and makes a comment that he doesn't give a F$$$) how NASTY!! 6. He doesn't interact with his kids or pay child support... (He keeps running by changing jobs so that child support won't take out of his check on the job that he has). 7. He constantly spends money that he never has( by borrowing it from his other shags or fellow friends with no intentions of paying them back) 8. His whole family is dysfunctional.; some siblings are incarcerated; they don't get along. No family togetherness and good quality relationships between him and his sisters and brothers. 9. He constantly blabs on about his ex and his ex wife who he refers to as "That Bitch". 10. If you are successful he will envy and try to down play you like a deck of cards... He wants to be center stage ALWAYS. 11. He'll have you fooled for a while maybe at the beginning of the relationship and as soon as you mention committment he will start dissapearing for days at a time; start withholding sex; late nite excuses; yada yada... 12.Tells you that you are his problem and that you caused whatever mess or riff there is between the two of you. 13. A great verbal abuser..He's phenomenal. 14. He almost act as if he's a pimp and you are work for hire but not in a sexual way.... He will have you just doing this and that for him because he wants to feel like big shit when he's really not. (he's knows this) 15. He brags about what trip he 's going to take next. (How can you be talking about oh I'm going to Puerto Rico but you for one.... have a minimum wage job; you owe several years of child support; you are months behind on your mortgage; owe tons of people that you borrowed from money back(including me) and every week you can't even keep basic shit on such as water and lights. Priorities are SCREWED!! 16. He will never offer to pay for shit and if he does he'll get it back from you some way some how. 17. Constantly from time to time will bring up his other shags by referring to them as his home girl...(He's screwing and using them too) 18. Blabs on about how he's never having anymore kids.(Because he already knows he doesn't take of the one's that he's got so dropping one off in you ain't gonna make him a changed man) 19. He will use you for every dime that you have and there won't be a penny left and once he knows that there isn't he has already discarded you into his OPTION/FALLBACK FILE.... Need I say more? The list gets much longer.. Stay away from the premises of this creep!! Natthecat

Just looking at your list of what the other woman will be getting should make any woman RUN…. and not look back. Thats good that you made your list… Its always good to keep a mental list too in our minds of every single bad thing we allowed ourselves to put up with.

To whomever falls victim to my narcissists ass clown ex you will be getting…..

1. Lots of talk about what he’s trying to buy next; doesn’t matter what it is(money; his bill paid; gas for his car cause he can’t afford to drive and see you) because he is a materialistic moron….(while he’s hoping you’ll say don’t worry about it; I’ll get it for you… no matter what the cost; while he’s think that you owe it to him anyway.

2. Critical attitude and critical comments.. (he tries to put you down verbally with his words… a great manipulator.

3. Gonna want to consistenly drown you with all of his problems; his life drama;whether you ask to be told or not because it is all about him. He ‘s never concerned with your needs; wants or your life.

4. His continuous FARTS… around you(will never say excuse me)

5. Doesn’t brush his teeth or shower as often as a man should(because he gets off of work late and says he’s too dam tired to do so and makes a comment that he doesn’t give a F$$$) how NASTY!!
6. He doesn’t interact with his kids or pay child support… (He keeps running by changing jobs so that child support won’t take out of his check on the job that he has).

7. He constantly spends money that he never has( by borrowing it from his other shags or fellow friends with no intentions of paying them back)

8. His whole family is dysfunctional.; some siblings are incarcerated; they don’t get along. No family togetherness and good quality relationships between him and his sisters and brothers.

9. He constantly blabs on about his ex and his ex wife who he refers to as “That Bitch”.

10. If you are successful he will envy and try to down play you like a deck of cards… He wants to be center stage ALWAYS.

11. He’ll have you fooled for a while maybe at the beginning of the relationship and as soon as you mention committment he will start dissapearing for days at a time; start withholding sex; late nite excuses; yada yada…

12.Tells you that you are his problem and that you caused whatever mess or riff there is between the two of you.

13. A great verbal abuser..He’s phenomenal.

14. He almost act as if he’s a pimp and you are work for hire but not in a sexual way…. He will have you just doing this and that for him because he wants to feel like big shit when he’s really not. (he’s knows this)

15. He brags about what trip he ‘s going to take next. (How can you be talking about oh I’m going to Puerto Rico but you for one…. have a minimum wage job; you owe several years of child support; you are months behind on your mortgage; owe tons of people that you borrowed from money back(including me) and every week you can’t even keep basic shit on such as water and lights. Priorities are SCREWED!!

16. He will never offer to pay for shit and if he does he’ll get it back from you some way some how.

17. Constantly from time to time will bring up his other shags by referring to them as his home girl…(He’s screwing and using them too)

18. Blabs on about how he’s never having anymore kids.(Because he already knows he doesn’t take of the one’s that he’s got so dropping one off in you ain’t gonna make him a changed man)

19. He will use you for every dime that you have and there won’t be a penny left and once he knows that there isn’t he has already discarded you into his OPTION/FALLBACK FILE….

Need I say more? The list gets much longer.. Stay away from the premises of this creep!!

]]> By: BLW http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/comment-page-1/#comment-261882 BLW Wed, 19 May 2010 21:29:54 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/#comment-261882 Geez, I feel like you watched my last relationship and wrote this article. Ugh! Talk about hitting the nail on the head. Thanks again for a VERY perceptive and informative post. I've still got loads of crap to purge from my last A/C. And with all the stuff I'm learning from this site and the forums, I hope it's my last A/C. Thanks again! b Geez, I feel like you watched my last relationship and wrote this article. Ugh! Talk about hitting the nail on the head. Thanks again for a VERY perceptive and informative post. I’ve still got loads of crap to purge from my last A/C. And with all the stuff I’m learning from this site and the forums, I hope it’s my last A/C.

Thanks again!
b

]]> By: Chazzer http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/comment-page-1/#comment-252069 Chazzer Fri, 22 Jan 2010 19:06:11 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/#comment-252069 Thanks so much for that, it really helps. I can't believe how much I justified his behaviour and never told my friends/family what was really going on. I've cut off all contact now. The guy before him cheated on me for 12 months with his 'ex', got her pregnant and they had the child all while still going out with me!!! When I suggested something untoward might be going on with his ex he said I was 'going mental' and imagining things. But I have come on in leaps and bounds since reading this website (and having therapy for self esteem issues!!) For instance this month I've been on a course for work, and found myself mildly attracted to a nice, normal man in the class who I normally would have overlooked for the class 'joker' and ladies man who has about 8 girls on the go (find him repulsive!!incredible progress!!). Also a man chatted me up in a bar for an hour and then slipped in that he happened to be married - I downed the double vodka he'd just bought me and walked off with no explanation. I recognised his behaviour was wrong and disgusting whereas before I probably would have carried on talking to him and thought he was a 'great guy.' Not ready to date yet, self esteem still v low but I am making progress!!!!! Thanks so much for that, it really helps. I can’t believe how much I justified his behaviour and never told my friends/family what was really going on. I’ve cut off all contact now.

The guy before him cheated on me for 12 months with his ‘ex’, got her pregnant and they had the child all while still going out with me!!! When I suggested something untoward might be going on with his ex he said I was ‘going mental’ and imagining things.

But I have come on in leaps and bounds since reading this website (and having therapy for self esteem issues!!) For instance this month I’ve been on a course for work, and found myself mildly attracted to a nice, normal man in the class who I normally would have overlooked for the class ‘joker’ and ladies man who has about 8 girls on the go (find him repulsive!!incredible progress!!).

Also a man chatted me up in a bar for an hour and then slipped in that he happened to be married – I downed the double vodka he’d just bought me and walked off with no explanation. I recognised his behaviour was wrong and disgusting whereas before I probably would have carried on talking to him and thought he was a ‘great guy.’
Not ready to date yet, self esteem still v low but I am making progress!!!!!

]]> By: Natthecat http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/comment-page-1/#comment-251946 Natthecat Thu, 14 Jan 2010 10:13:46 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/#comment-251946 To Chazzer DONT EVER GO BACK to that man!!! Very similar things to what my ex EUM used to say and do he is also 41! He very very occasionally took me out for meals but I PAID! Cheated on me and also used to send me texts in the beginning saying 'keep your P***Y sweet'! I mean what the hell does that mean? I took offense to this numerous times that in the end he didnt send it. Major red flag that told me where even on the same planet never mind being poles apart!!!! I had 2 years of on off on off on off and now when I look back when I finished him after just 3 weeks of dating (if you can call it that) I should have left it be. It is better to be single than settle and after us ladies come out of these relationships it takes a while to heal and get our self esteem back in tact! I am still recovering whilst he has moved onto to the next victim whilst still shagging the woman e was cheating on me with!! He is ugly aswell so I cant quite believe how he manages to get woman most probably because of his cheek!! The only way you get one over on these men is to cut contact completely as any form of contact back to them is viewed as good to him. Whether it be nasty or nice they love it and revel in ti!! Also I have to say they don't change or if once you take them back they will soon revert back to old and when you go back its always on reduced terms. This is because they see you as not respecting yourself so then they disrespect you even more!!!! Believe me honeslty ladies been there and done that with my last EUM horrible nasty human being!!! To Chazzer

DONT EVER GO BACK to that man!!! Very similar things to what my ex EUM used to say and do he is also 41! He very very occasionally took me out for meals but I PAID! Cheated on me and also used to send me texts in the beginning saying ‘keep your P***Y sweet’! I mean what the hell does that mean? I took offense to this numerous times that in the end he didnt send it. Major red flag that told me where even on the same planet never mind being poles apart!!!!

I had 2 years of on off on off on off and now when I look back when I finished him after just 3 weeks of dating (if you can call it that) I should have left it be. It is better to be single than settle and after us ladies come out of these relationships it takes a while to heal and get our self esteem back in tact!

I am still recovering whilst he has moved onto to the next victim whilst still shagging the woman e was cheating on me with!! He is ugly aswell so I cant quite believe how he manages to get woman most probably because of his cheek!!

The only way you get one over on these men is to cut contact completely as any form of contact back to them is viewed as good to him. Whether it be nasty or nice they love it and revel in ti!! Also I have to say they don’t change or if once you take them back they will soon revert back to old and when you go back its always on reduced terms. This is because they see you as not respecting yourself so then they disrespect you even more!!!! Believe me honeslty ladies been there and done that with my last EUM horrible nasty human being!!!

]]> By: Chazzer http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/comment-page-1/#comment-251928 Chazzer Wed, 13 Jan 2010 19:23:40 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/#comment-251928 I've just split with my EUM after a year. So, so many red flags which I ignored. I'm exhausted (there were three EUM's before him) * asked me to get a 'Brazlilian' bikini wax 'like the porn stars' he so admires. * said he'd like to give me a 'good pounding' and 'pummel my p**y' (that had my friends screaming in laughter..but also outrage!!) * admitted has been to prostitutes in his twenties (now 41) *Kept me a secret from his estranged wife and two kids for pathetic ridiculous reasons (I still don't know why - maybe he was still shagging her.) *Only saw me on his terms, watched films he wanted to watch, never took me out for dinner once in a whole year * On the rare occasions that he bought me a drink, kicked up a fuss if it cost too much. (wow, that felt great after a year of dating!!) GAAAAAAAHHHHH!! I feel low since we split up but I just feel I had to get out. He wants us to get back together once his divorce comes through in a few months time (weird in itself) but I know he's not going to be a changed man miraculously in a few months time. I've cut off all contact. Girls we are better off alone than with someone who makes us feel worthless and damages our self esteem, which he undoubtedly has. I’ve just split with my EUM after a year. So, so many red flags which I ignored. I’m exhausted (there were three EUM’s before him)

* asked me to get a ‘Brazlilian’ bikini wax ‘like the porn stars’ he so admires.

* said he’d like to give me a ‘good pounding’ and ‘pummel my p**y’ (that had my friends screaming in laughter..but also outrage!!)

* admitted has been to prostitutes in his twenties (now 41)

*Kept me a secret from his estranged wife and two kids for pathetic ridiculous reasons (I still don’t know why – maybe he was still shagging her.)

*Only saw me on his terms, watched films he wanted to watch, never took me out for dinner once in a whole year

* On the rare occasions that he bought me a drink, kicked up a fuss if it cost too much. (wow, that felt great after a year of dating!!)

GAAAAAAAHHHHH!! I feel low since we split up but I just feel I had to get out. He wants us to get back together once his divorce comes through in a few months time (weird in itself) but I know he’s not going to be a changed man miraculously in a few months time. I’ve cut off all contact. Girls we are better off alone than with someone who makes us feel worthless and damages our self esteem, which he undoubtedly has.

]]> By: Michelle http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/comment-page-1/#comment-251921 Michelle Wed, 13 Jan 2010 13:42:30 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/#comment-251921 She did it on text, by simply calling him out for not talking to me. But, he did make a lame excuse and then saying it did not need to be awkward. More immature behavior because he knew he did something wrong, and just like he did not man up to be civil, he did not man up that he should be saying hello in a gracious way to anyone he has ever dated. He is not a bad person, he is just very very immature. And for that, I am thankful that it is over. She did it on text, by simply calling him out for not talking to me. But, he did make a lame excuse and then saying it did not need to be awkward. More immature behavior because he knew he did something wrong, and just like he did not man up to be civil, he did not man up that he should be saying hello in a gracious way to anyone he has ever dated. He is not a bad person, he is just very very immature. And for that, I am thankful that it is over.

]]> By: starwoman http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/comment-page-1/#comment-251917 starwoman Wed, 13 Jan 2010 10:01:27 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/#comment-251917 I've been involved with a man who has jerked me around on and off for 6 years.He's a a passive agressive.I don't know why it's taken me so long to wake up...and why it took me so very long. Anyway the last thing he did to me was to invite me to his place for dinner,I hadn't seen him or his son for months.I took some food for an entree,drove over 30klm and then he tells me a friend of his is stopping by but not staying.The friend is another woman I've never met and she arrived with her two children and then she stayed for dinner and the whole evening.I was furious but didn't let on.I sent him a text expressing my disappointment at what had occured..his answer was he was sorry I felt that way as he had organised for her to stay at the last minute and he thought it would be more enjoyable for all.Yeah right sitting on a balcony with a plate on my lap was really enjoyable.I let him know what I thought of his explanation .Ho hum the jerk wont even answer his phone now. I'm moving on and wished I had done that 5 years and eleven months ago. I’ve been involved with a man who has jerked me around on and off for 6 years.He’s a a passive agressive.I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to wake up…and why it took me so very long.
Anyway the last thing he did to me was to invite me to his place for dinner,I hadn’t seen him or his son for months.I took some food for an entree,drove over 30klm and then he tells me a friend of his is stopping by but not staying.The friend is another woman I’ve never met and she arrived with her two children and then she stayed for
dinner and the whole evening.I was furious but didn’t let on.I sent him a text expressing my disappointment at what had occured..his answer was he was sorry I felt that way as he had organised for her to stay at the last minute and he thought it would be more enjoyable for all.Yeah right sitting on a balcony with a plate on my lap was really enjoyable.I let him know what I thought of his explanation .Ho hum the jerk wont even answer his phone now.
I’m moving on and wished I had done that 5 years and eleven months ago.

]]> By: Kay http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/comment-page-1/#comment-251905 Kay Wed, 13 Jan 2010 00:58:01 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/#comment-251905 Brilliant article Natalie,thanks a mil. Like Alice,lauri and jubilee,I would hugely appreciate something about a good,healthy relationship and how to spot an EAM.I have also never had any good male role models as all the males in my life to date have been EUMs. So for me an EAM really is a different species and I'd be fascinated about him.Some of us here are really only out of Kindergarten trying to unlearn and relearn.Thanks to you and this wonderful site, I have now become zero tolerant of EUMs and their cheap,shabby behaviour.For me it's now one strike and I'm outa there at speed and I no longer look back or analyise.And I'm proud and delighted to be able to say that. Brilliant article Natalie,thanks a mil. Like Alice,lauri and jubilee,I would hugely appreciate something about a good,healthy relationship and how to spot an EAM.I have also never had any good male role models as all the males in my life to date have been EUMs. So for me an EAM really is a different species and I’d be fascinated about him.Some of us here are really only out of Kindergarten trying to unlearn and relearn.Thanks to you and this wonderful site, I have now become zero tolerant of EUMs and their cheap,shabby behaviour.For me it’s now one strike and I’m outa there at speed and I no longer look back or analyise.And I’m proud and delighted to be able to say that.

]]> By: de-lightedtobefree http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/comment-page-1/#comment-251902 de-lightedtobefree Wed, 13 Jan 2010 00:35:50 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/#comment-251902 Thank you Lauri for your response, I truly appreciate it :) I truly am trying to get the focus back on me and the NC is helping but very large life lesson questions keep coming up and it's about me. How do I never ever have this kind of conversation with someone again in my life! I called him on every red flag and I think because i didn't play the fall back girl and actually had expectations and called him on all his bad behaviours, that is why I was being punished. I was being punished for expecting good treatment!! He was sooo twisted. He said he saw me as two people...The business woman where he proffessed to 'look after me' and then the woman he lusted after, who he thought he could have 'fun' with, without any concequences. I don't get it, I just can't fathom it. I need to understand what happened so I can recognize it again. thank you for you points.. this is what I can take away to meditate on form you Lauri ... he wanted to put her back in her place, to punish her in some way, to place the blame for his actions squarely on her, to regain control, to actually NOT take responsibility for what he did. Thank you :) Thank you Lauri for your response, I truly appreciate it :)

I truly am trying to get the focus back on me and the NC is helping but very large life lesson questions keep coming up and it’s about me. How do I never ever have this kind of conversation with someone again in my life! I called him on every red flag and I think because i didn’t play the fall back girl and actually had expectations and called him on all his bad behaviours, that is why I was being punished. I was being punished for expecting good treatment!! He was sooo twisted. He said he saw me as two people…The business woman where he proffessed to ‘look after me’ and then the woman he lusted after, who he thought he could have ‘fun’ with, without any concequences. I don’t get it, I just can’t fathom it. I need to understand what happened so I can recognize it again.

thank you for you points..

this is what I can take away to meditate on form you Lauri

… he wanted to put her back in her place, to punish her in some way, to place the blame for his actions squarely on her, to regain control, to actually NOT take responsibility for what he did.

Thank you :)

]]> By: Lauri http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/comment-page-1/#comment-251898 Lauri Tue, 12 Jan 2010 23:47:52 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/#comment-251898 Sorry in advance for responding to Delighted – I know this isn’t the forum. MY EUM did the same thing with his ex, who is now my friend. He told her in detail the things that we did together (that he never did with her); discussed how much he is attracted to his former GF's body (my friend has body issues) - all in the name of telling her the "truth". He never would have said those things to me because he knows that those things wouldn't push my buttons and get the same reaction. Her self-esteem took a big hit. I am convinced that he said those things to her because he wanted to put her back in her place, to punish her in some way, to place the blame for his actions squarely on her, to regain control, to actually NOT take responsibility for what he did. I read something on this site (I think) about asking yourself if you would do or say what is currently being done or said to you. For example, if the situation were reversed and you lied and cheated, how would you go about taking responsibility for what you had done? Probably in a much different way than this man did. It doesn’t sound like he would know what taking responsibility was if it bit him. This is outrageous behavior that we shouldn’t expect from anyone. Sorry in advance for responding to Delighted – I know this isn’t the forum.

MY EUM did the same thing with his ex, who is now my friend. He told her in detail the things that we did together (that he never did with her); discussed how much he is attracted to his former GF’s body (my friend has body issues) – all in the name of telling her the “truth”. He never would have said those things to me because he knows that those things wouldn’t push my buttons and get the same reaction. Her self-esteem took a big hit. I am convinced that he said those things to her because he wanted to put her back in her place, to punish her in some way, to place the blame for his actions squarely on her, to regain control, to actually NOT take responsibility for what he did. I read something on this site (I think) about asking yourself if you would do or say what is currently being done or said to you. For example, if the situation were reversed and you lied and cheated, how would you go about taking responsibility for what you had done? Probably in a much different way than this man did. It doesn’t sound like he would know what taking responsibility was if it bit him. This is outrageous behavior that we shouldn’t expect from anyone.

]]> By: de-lightedtobefree http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/comment-page-1/#comment-251897 de-lightedtobefree Tue, 12 Jan 2010 22:54:26 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/#comment-251897 My question is this... well some background first. So he takes me lunch and say's 'he wants to take responsiblity for his actions', then tells me in horrific detail about all the lying, the cheating, the betrayal of my our friendship, the using me, the taking me for granted, how we would never ever be together, leaving me in a complete mess for months after stripping me of my dignity, my self esteem, my trust in friendships and leaving me feeling unsafe. It has taken months of self soothing with affirmations crying my heart out, closing my door and not letting anyone in (literally). My question to anyone please!!?? How is that taking responsibility for his actions? Is'nt this just downloading his guilt?? He cried as he said..I decied to use you for sex because I was giving you business advise, I decided you could pay me for it. I am so devastated. while he was telling me his 'truth' he said'.. this feels so good, getting it out. When I said to him 'this is not taking responsibility for you actions this is you just downloading your guilt' He absolutely did not understand what I meant!!!!. Telling me he is a lying cheating coward and then begging for my friendship. How is this taking responsibility for anything? I am soo confused. If someone say's they want to take responsibility for their actions doesn't this mean they want to try to fix something they've broken?? All I know is I am left to clean up his mess and that mess is me. How can they be so careless. NC 6 weeks. working hard to let go let go let go. Like you Lauri...I'm sad, he treated me with love and kindness to begin with and I only percieved it as such, cause he was actually only out to get something from me. My question is this… well some background first.

So he takes me lunch and say’s ‘he wants to take responsiblity for his actions’, then tells me in horrific detail about all the lying, the cheating, the betrayal of my our friendship, the using me, the taking me for granted, how we would never ever be together, leaving me in a complete mess for months after stripping me of my dignity, my self esteem, my trust in friendships and leaving me feeling unsafe. It has taken months of self soothing with affirmations crying my heart out, closing my door and not letting anyone in (literally).

My question to anyone please!!?? How is that taking responsibility for his actions? Is’nt this just downloading his guilt??
He cried as he said..I decied to use you for sex because I was giving you business advise, I decided you could pay me for it. I am so devastated. while he was telling me his ‘truth’ he said’.. this feels so good, getting it out. When I said to him ‘this is not taking responsibility for you actions this is you just downloading your guilt’ He absolutely did not understand what I meant!!!!. Telling me he is a lying cheating coward and then begging for my friendship. How is this taking responsibility for anything?

I am soo confused. If someone say’s they want to take responsibility for their actions doesn’t this mean they want to try to fix something they’ve broken??

All I know is I am left to clean up his mess and that mess is me.

How can they be so careless.

NC 6 weeks. working hard to let go let go let go.

Like you Lauri…I’m sad, he treated me with love and kindness to begin with and I only percieved it as such, cause he was actually only out to get something from me.

]]> By: Lauri http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/comment-page-1/#comment-251895 Lauri Tue, 12 Jan 2010 21:50:14 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/#comment-251895 I second Jubilee's desire to see a comparison of EAM and EUM. With no great male role-models in my life, either when I was a child and now as an adult, it is often difficult to know what are the characteristics of an emotionally available, healthy man. Thanks to NML's book, her posts, and all of the great comments, I feel that I am well-armed to identify red flags. But, I'm sad to say that I probably never had someone treat me with real loving kindness; I only perceived it as such when they were actually out to get something from me. Thanks for all that you do. I second Jubilee’s desire to see a comparison of EAM and EUM. With no great male role-models in my life, either when I was a child and now as an adult, it is often difficult to know what are the characteristics of an emotionally available, healthy man. Thanks to NML’s book, her posts, and all of the great comments, I feel that I am well-armed to identify red flags. But, I’m sad to say that I probably never had someone treat me with real loving kindness; I only perceived it as such when they were actually out to get something from me. Thanks for all that you do.

]]> By: movinon http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/comment-page-1/#comment-251894 movinon Tue, 12 Jan 2010 21:27:01 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-outrageous-principle-when-someone-tests-you-to-see-how-much-they-can-get-away-with/#comment-251894 "The worst offenders of this, are the ones that pursue you, drop all the lines on you, badger you for sex and fake a future with you, pretending that you’re both on the same page and how you’re going to move forward into a mutually pleasurable relationship, only for them to go cold on you or gradually withdraw." EXACTLY what happened. Not only did I not pursue him in the beginning - he came after me blowin hot at a very vulnerable time - took all the information he knew about me used it against me - horrible pick up lines I would slap someone for saying to me today. He was a predator - I was prey. Not anymore - thanx to this site confirming for me what I already suspected. I am not alone - I am enough for me and that's good enough for anyone who shares my values and beliefs. If they don't - NEXT! “The worst offenders of this, are the ones that pursue you, drop all the lines on you, badger you for sex and fake a future with you, pretending that you’re both on the same page and how you’re going to move forward into a mutually pleasurable relationship, only for them to go cold on you or gradually withdraw.”

EXACTLY what happened. Not only did I not pursue him in the beginning – he came after me blowin hot at a very vulnerable time – took all the information he knew about me used it against me – horrible pick up lines I would slap someone for saying to me today. He was a predator – I was prey. Not anymore – thanx to this site confirming for me what I already suspected. I am not alone – I am enough for me and that’s good enough for anyone who shares my values and beliefs. If they don’t – NEXT!

]]>