The Secret Test

March 21, 2006 by NML

test tray Despite keeping a blog and running this site, there are still some thoughts and ideas in my heads that I haven’t shared with oodles of strangers! For years I have had this secret insecurity about men displaying their overt sexual desire for me, and what that means for me in terms of building a relationship with them. I don’t go around thinking that every man desires me, however since the start of puberty I have been able to attract boys and men, but there is secret part of me that thinks that they are focused on looks or trying to ‘hit the jackpot’.

Over the years this fear hasn’t receded, and has privately grown whilst I have failed to address it. Instead I have bounded around, first being serially monogamous and then being a serial commitment phobe that went out with Mr Unavailable’s. That whole time I’ve had a litmus test for every man that I have dated or been in a relationship with: If a guy makes my physical attributes or his desire to bed me his primary focus by way of what he is saying in conversations or through his actions, things are doomed. There is something internal that feels a wave of disappointment when a guy goes from Mr Gentleman to Mr How Quickly Can I Get Your Clothes Off and Touch You Up. After the wave of disappointment, something does shut down and deep in the back of my mind is a secret knowledge that he has failed the test he didn’t know he sat.

Now despite having this secret test which I didn’t consciously acknowledge, I would often allow things to continue, so that I ended up dating them or in previous years being in a relationship, but every time the guy goes on about looks or sex, something cringes within.

I don’t have a fear of intimacy, but over time I have become aware that a guy needs to desire me as a whole, not what he thinks the physical and sexual attributes may represent.
Where do I think this comes from? I’m not sure exactly where it originated but when people make a fuss of the physicality’s, whilst it is complimentary, it is superficial and because every guy has made a fuss of the physicality’s, something within must have said that guys don’t want to get to know ME. They want to know what they feel like knowing, what they think I should be based on my physical attributes, and live off the dream. Every guy I date or end up in a relationship is attracted to the physical attributes and the apparent personality that goes with it such as ambitious, outgoing, apparently secure and self assured and self reliant, but that’s not what they want to actually go out with. Once they snare me, they want me to be less ambitious, less outgoing, less secure, and dependent on them sending a signal to me that whatever I have isn’t good enough.
It’s like a merry-go-round of insecurity and validation of jacked up notions.
Secretly, I always felt that the type of guy I would want to be in a relationship with, would fancy ME, be sexually attracted to ME, but would want to get to know ME, as a person, as a personality, as a character first. They don’t have to play a monk, but a certain amount of security in him would mean that he wouldn’t be afraid of taking his time and getting to know ME, because the sex naturally follows, but ultimately it’s ME that he wants to get to know.
People are mistaking desiring sex and sexual intimacy as the same thing as desiring someone. They are two totally different things and whilst sex is important, in the grander scheme of things when a relationship is what you want on the cards, it can wait.
As humans we can’t help but be a little superficial (some of us more so than others) but I do firmly believe that the type of man that wants to actually continue dating you and be in a relationship can fancy you, be sexually attracted to you and convey it, but doesn’t devote the bulk of his energy into trying to bed you or talking about you physically. If the man is secure, trusts the attraction between you both and believes in getting to know you before trying to get in you, he is worth far more of your energy.
I went on a date with a guy that actually passed the test, and I actually let out a massive sigh of relief internally. He didn’t act in awe or be overly physical, and didn’t make any sexual innuendoes, yet managed to convey on our date that he was very attracted to me and interested in me. Last week I wrote about Toxic Type’s and it’s safe to say that this guy is definitely not my type, and that my ‘type’ was only fulfilling a self-fulfilling prophecy anyway because it was always going to fail the test.

Who knows what may happen, but the key thing is that I now know that the type of guy that passes my test does exist and I can be attracted to them. Roll on Nice Guys!