Because of this, I have never traded on my looks, I even have a reply for men when they look at me in awh or tell me how lovely I am. I tell them, “I’m so much more than that” and I am! I have always been highly intelligent but my insecurities with my looks have also held me back from being the high achiever that I know I can be. I try to go unnoticed…come late, sit right in front or off in the back, so not to be noticed.

My daughter is a young adult and people, young and old, men and women, oft think we are friends or sisters. I HATE it but she loves it. She likes to dress and wear her hair like me. She too is lovely and highly gifted, intellectually. At the many scholarship banquets and luncheons we attended people would think I was her older sister and not speak with me. This hurt my feelings and hers as she noticed as well. When we told them I was her mother, the women would treat me even worse. I haven’t any female friends, including my sisters and men only want to bed me regardless of the fact that I don’t try to dummy myself down nor sex myself up, I’m just me.

Example, just last Thursday I was sitting with my daughter and the admissions counselor (a man who had already expressed his interest) and advisor (woman) we all got off topic. As I was expressing my perspective on the subject with the others in the room, I looked at him at the conclusion and he literally was salivating. The advisor said to him “what could you have possibly been thinking to make you salivate”. I was completely frustrated as I would like to be seen as an individual and not some sex kitten. Mind you, I do not dress tacky…Talbots, Jones of NY, MorganTaylor(old designer), etc..

So, while I hear what you are saying, I still get men who only see my beauty…regardless of how I present myself. The guy I have been talking to is the same way. He told me two weeks after meeting him that he wanted to do all kinds of things to me. When I asked why and reminded him that we didn’t even know one another; he replied: “because you are sexy and I like you”. Ugh, “that’s a good reason”, I replied.

I can SOOOO relate to what you wrote regarding their minds being focused on getting in the bed with the woman rather than getting to know ME. It makes me sad and frustrated. It will never go anywhere with him as sex is all he wants.

I always wonder if the next will start off with the same okey-doke too!!! : (

I remember one boyfriend stating that he only dates good looking women and yet he was Mr Average. Perhaps as a 23 year old I was taken by his flattery. Now though this sort of praise tends to scare me.

There may be a couple of reasons for this. I don’t look in the mirror and think wow I’m gorgeous nor do I think I would try to get someone into bed because of their looks. Naively in the past when someone has been smitten I have thought wow this might be the one. It never has. I find myself now in my mid thirties and not necessarily loosing my looks but changing my looks. I haven’t found anyone yet that has passed my test.

I have tried internet dating. What a mess though I do secretly envy friends who have found theirs partners on this website. I always think that it is amusing that with a visible photo I received much interest and without very little. Recently I have been talking to one man for some time over the phone. It really has been great but perhaps we’ve opened up too much, have found out that we have so much in common and so now we are in an odd situation. We’ve never met which frustrates me (hot and cold men topic led me to your website). At this stage I feel hypercritical as I am not sure if I will be attracted to him in person even though secretly adoring him.

It has become clear that the older you get you realise that looks are only a small part of the package but unfortunately our current society (i.e. the one obviously generated by the media and peers) disagrees. I have though thought about my predicament and potentially not being attracted to this man when we meet, but you know what, regardless of whether he’s a Hugh Jackman or a Donald Trump I want to make this work. So hopefully I’ll pass his test?