I some from a Middle Eastern, patriarchal society, where the men can do no wrong. I have become much more supportive of all women since getting married, since our troubles having children began a few years ago, and especially since recent, very bad, experiences where my good nature has been taken advantage of.

So how does a woman “stop being bait forthe jerks of the world”? Especially the ones who dwell on nostalgia!

Honestly, I guess I was so naive before to believe the old bf really did miss me or want me back in his life, that he had regrets and wanted to make it right, blah, blah (yuck). I’ll admit I fell for this more than once and melted each time like a stick of butter in the microwave.

These two recent posts by NML have given me a whole new perspective on why the former AC has tried to make contact. The more I read from this site the more humiliated I feel sometimes about how gulible I was and how some took advantage of me.

The good thing is I’m not dwelling on the past, but rather giving myself a “tune up” so that I’m tuned in with better frequency going forward. I can’t tell you how many of my friends I’ve shared this site with and how many have checked it out but have done nothing more than that and then call me when their EUM’s are behaving horrible towards them.

Another boundary has been set for me with my girlfriends, I’m not their life coach. If they want the help- here is one place you can get it, amongst others. If my friends aren’t interested in changing, then I need to stop wasting my time trying to help guide them towards change.

I’m really liking where I’m going now, I feel empowered, stronger, and back on a more productive successful track. The obsessing is almost gone, and the why her not me’s are in the past. 6 months NC now, it’s getting better every day!

Thanks NML for another great post! Keep ‘em coming.

He may be in my face now as something of a mockery, to show me that he has moved on, with a family and all, but I do not care!

I am so glad I posted. It has helped me get this all out of my system. I have had no one to talk to, who I can trust, about this! Thank you!

Oh, and I wanted to get caught “cheating”. My date and I, on our first date, went to a cafe where a young man who knew my family and my ex-EUM worked, specifically so that man would tell my ex-EUM that I WAS on a date. I didn’t expect the jerk-ex-EUM to show up! (But that was fine, too.) Of all people, do you, BradK, think the ex-EUM deserved an explanation? I have never regretted the decision to let him know (yes, by surprise) that I had started seeing other people, that I had moved on. Never.

Oh, and, BTW, Brad, not too long after seeing him at the bar, at a time when I had not heard from him for almost 2 weeks, but while we were still “dating”, I ran into him at a singles-night event: the same event which occurs about once a month at a certain location and where, about a year before, he had met his ex (now wife)! (Bad sign; right?) And he was telling me that he couldn’t see me as often for a while, he could only see me at most every 2 weeks, b/c he was looking for a new job! (Which was true, but still!) And, so you know, after the bar incident, which had occurred almost exactly a week before, he started to space the dates out even more: every 3.5 weeks.

I guess I have always wondered, “Why her and not me?” Especially b/c he had treated her so dreadfully (despite the fact that they were initimate, even when she shouldn’t have been, considering they, too, had a barely-there, pseudo-relationship), why did he go back to her? (And I do think he looks bad by going back to her!) He knew that, by dating me, he was dating a respectful girl. He knew who I was. He knew many people who knew my family. So, yes, why her and not me?

So why would running into him at that bar have caused him to start treating me like dirt? UNLESS I WAS used and he used seeing me at the bar as a scapegoat to keep the door open for the ex. (???)

When he “caught” me on the date, I had not seen or heard from him for the longest stretch of time ever: 3.5 weeks. I had the right to atart seeing other people, without telling him.

I just have always been deeply offended. I have a strong sense of pride. So sue me. I am happy for him and his wife that their lives have moved on (b/c she took him back after she saw that he dated me!), but I can’t get what happened.

Sure, maybe he didn’t want me…at least until he saw me with someone else! But he still didn’t call me to apologize for his past bad behavior–not that I would have taken him back! But he didn’t call also b/c, I feel, he was always keeping the door open for the ex.

I will admit that I do wonder “what if” partly b/c our having kids was siderailed for a few years financial and other important reasons. And now we might not be able to have any (I am over 30). I feel I was used and helped his life move on, while mine hasn’t totally. I am happy for him and his wife. But I can’t help but think that one incident (the bar fiasco) completely ruined the way I looked to someone, and that may have controlled my fate forever, for the worse.

If you continue to comment on this subject, you must comment on the appropriate thread which is why her and not me”

In regards to your issue, my original perspective hasn’t changed and I don’t think that I have got you wrong – you don’t want to see it in any other way than your own way. The sheer volume of comment that you have written about this indicates that regardless of how you want to perceive it, you are emotionally invested in this guy – it doesn’t have to be positive emotional investment – it’s negative investment but investment all the same. You are not over him, and you are married to someone else. The key to starting a new relationship is that you need to cut your emotional ties with previous parties, heal, and move on. You haven’t. All I see is a load of he said, she said, gossip, conjecture, and assumptions here. High school does not even begin to cover it and yet whilst you acknowledge that there is a high school attitude to all of this, it doesn’t incite you to wake up and realise how ridiculous this has all gotten – instead you continue to feel justified in what you are doing.
What is shocking here is that you are married to someone else and yet you are still stuck in the ‘drama’ of this barely there relationship. You aren’t validated by the fact that you escaped an assclown, you aren’t validated by your own judgement of your situation at the time, and you certainly do not seem to take any pleasure and validation from the fact that you have supposedly moved on and married someone else.
You want this guy – you want validation, acknowledgement, and more explanation than your brief dalliance deserves.
Your ‘friends’ are either gossipy, or they don’t want to be involved, but one thing you do have to acknowledge is that you are the driving force of this whole drama. If you can write what you have so far, I can only imagine what has been said before to your friends.
Your friends don’t need to ‘support’ you in this craziness – any true friend would believe that there is something wrong here because you’re married to someone else but obsessing about something that doesn’t matter.
Who cares what he said to his now wife? Who cares if she ‘easy’? You know that you are not what he said about you and you also know that he’s an assclown. If she was ‘easy’, let herself be taken advantage of, whatever, it is none of your business.
You cannot gossip if you don’t partake. Instead of collecting up information on him and this woman, stop allowing people to tell you things and stop asking people and recognise your part in this issue instead of blaming everyone else.
Trust me ‘Used’, you may feel that you are misunderstood but you are so deeply entrenched in this mode that I don’t think you recognise how your words actually read. You are not the first person who has been part of some weird involvement to make someone else jealous and you won’t be the last. No it’s not nice but you are applying a disproportionate level of energy to this and surely you must realise that.
If your friend is treating you badly, it’s not because of him – she is an adult and makes her own choices. You must stop making him the centre of your universe and if your friendship no longer works for whatever reason, you need to deal with her and either confront the issue and/or end the friendship but stop blaming him.
If you care about your family’s reputations, you will do this: 1) You will stop driving this drama 2) If there is genuinely evidence that he has done this and you after all this time can’t move on, then go and speak to him and his wife – but be prepared – he may have no clue what you are talking about, or her for that matter because there is a lot of gossip. 3) Go for counselling. 4) Focus on your marriage
You don’t have to change your social circle – you need to change your obsession with this man and his wife – you do that and you’ll find your life gets easier.

Mike, I agree, going back to past rejections is never a good bet.

In my case, it was much like ChiTownKitty’s, in that, there was never a “relationship” to begin with, just a school girl crush that danced around a good friendship. So, I didn’t have negative feelings about him from a historical point of view. We were actually pretty good friends back in the day. But, with the reconnect, I did find myself floating around in my teenage mind again, and, quite frankly, it felt pretty good.

I have now realized, that is all it was. I have reconnected with many friends and family through the years and that has been quite nice, but, this has been different. Like I posted earlier, there is a reason we never were a couple, even in high school.

I guess I was just betting on potential, but it was my deluded vision only, not what was real or could possibly really happen. The odd thing is that if I had met him today, having not had such a crush on him in high school, I would have never been attracted to the man he is now.

It is truly strange how I ignored all that to pursue something I so desperately wanted at 14, yet, now as a grown woman, would never consider.

Strange indeed. I do feel good that I have stopped this before it got to the point of me resenting him. He was always a sweet and good memory, now a bit tarnished, but, not completely broken. I have decided to protect the good memory and move on.

Best to all, keep strong on your paths! ts.

If I understand your situation, while dating this guy you were also dating someone else. And got “caught”. This is not something that “happens” in a meaningful relationship, between respectful and honest partners.

I don’t hold much with gossip. Whether true or correct, false, self-serving, hurtful, or incorrect – nothing good can come of gossip. And you are dreadfully focused on gossip. I consider gossip one of the true social evils. Anytime someone talks about someone not present – that is gossip. “I heard about his wife” is gossip. If you weren’t there – that is gossip. Gossip feeds on itself, and tends to be hurtful to the teller and the listener. Gossip is providing you with data and innuendo that distracts you from what is important.

What is important is that you are not dating him.

There is no principle involved. There is respect – he doesn’t want you, you have to respect both his decision and his privacy. Unless you are in a committed, life-mate relationship, what he does and why is his own business. If you are considering him for a partner (i.e., you respect his character, integrity, his attitude and aptitude as a life-partner) you have a responsibility to yourself to fairly observe and to judge his actions or motivations – looking for red flags and problem behaviors.

You state “I do not still carry a torch for this jerk” – yet, you still do. You are still discussing him, you haven’t overcome the hurts and feelings from your relationship with him, you are still defending your reactions and actions. You are still letting the past distract you from your current relationship – you cannot be as involved with the issue as your posts suggest.

I am concerned that your continued interest and re-living of the past is posing a risk to your current marriage. I don’t think anyone is blaming the victim, you, for being hurt. I think that the focus, and rightly so, is on what to do to avoid getting hurt in the future, and to avoid hurting those in your life. For many of us – avoiding the problems of the past means taking responsibility for bad decisions, overcoming values and decisions that harm us, being respectful of ourselves and others.

Looking at today, I have to ask – what fears or enticements did you have, of yourself, that led you to date the guy, and to continue dating him? Are there still self image issues or misunderstandings about relationships that are affecting you today? Because usually we have to change, to stop being bait for the jerks of the world. That kind of problem seldom occurs just once. So I have to hope that you really have moved on from the jerk – except you have so much concern and gossip to share, even today.

Luck.

I would like NML’s input. I think she read me wrong a bit. NML, I do not still carry a torch for this jerk. My emotional investment in this whole experience involves the matters of principle, stated above, and the hypocrisy I am faced with. (I am big on principle, can’t you tell?) Though I still wouldn’t mind getting some clarity on why he used my “mistake” in going to that bar as a reason to treat me badly! I am thrilled he did me the favor of showing that side of himself sooner rather than later. If I wasted any more time on him, I would have lost the opportunity with my husband and the (few) others just before my husband, all great guys!

On a personal (dating) level, until this jerk, I was never treated this way. The fact that he knows a lot of people I know doesn’t help. Don’t blame the victim!