Comments on: The Trap of the (Returning) Childhood ‘Sweetheart’ Part 2 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:27:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Lhaull http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/comment-page-1/#comment-257070 Lhaull Sun, 11 Apr 2010 17:40:12 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/#comment-257070 You know, from a guy's perspective this is quite sad. I broke up with my childhood sweetheart 18 years ago, it is something I have regretted my entire life. I was selfish at the time and wanted her to live with me and she had reasons to stay where she was. I missed her so much that I couldn't see past my own desire to be with her. I recently spoke with her online, and she was gracious enough to let me apologize to her for the way I behaved 18 years earlier, I did at that time to find her but we lost touch over the years. I am in a slow and somewhat strange process of trying to build a friendship with her. We are very different people now to the kids we were back then, but she was a very important part of my life and I would like her to be someone who is in my life now. I have no imaginings that she is the same girl she was, I am not the same boy. But I promise you all not every guy is out to swindle, hurt, or get something by playing on past relationships, some are I am sure, but not this one. You know, from a guy’s perspective this is quite sad.
I broke up with my childhood sweetheart 18 years ago, it is something I have regretted my entire life. I was selfish at the time and wanted her to live with me and she had reasons to stay where she was. I missed her so much that I couldn’t see past my own desire to be with her.
I recently spoke with her online, and she was gracious enough to let me apologize to her for the way I behaved 18 years earlier, I did at that time to find her but we lost touch over the years.
I am in a slow and somewhat strange process of trying to build a friendship with her. We are very different people now to the kids we were back then, but she was a very important part of my life and I would like her to be someone who is in my life now.
I have no imaginings that she is the same girl she was, I am not the same boy. But I promise you all not every guy is out to swindle, hurt, or get something by playing on past relationships, some are I am sure, but not this one.

]]> By: Nikki http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/comment-page-1/#comment-255315 Nikki Sun, 28 Mar 2010 03:55:00 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/#comment-255315 My ex live-in boyfriend, with whom I stayed for 7 years in my 20s reappeared again 13 years later, after his divorce. Everything here describes what happened: the quick reconnection, his desire to push for intimacy early on, his talk of marriage and most of all his thinking of me as the 20-year old sweet girl ( read "doormat") that I was when we first were together. I realized afterwards that I was equally guity of: 1) ignoring red flags (eg the moving too quick business) and 2) the illusion that magically it will work itself out this time because he *had* to have matured, right?. Thankfully during the years in-between I had learned enough about relationships to know that I could expect some things from my partner. When I spoke up about my needs he became the arrogant controlling AC he had been all along. It was over 8 monts later after much drama but this time I was over him for good! My ex live-in boyfriend, with whom I stayed for 7 years in my 20s reappeared again 13 years later, after his divorce. Everything here describes what happened: the quick reconnection, his desire to push for intimacy early on, his talk of marriage and most of all his thinking of me as the 20-year old sweet girl ( read “doormat”) that I was when we first were together. I realized afterwards that I was equally guity of: 1) ignoring red flags (eg the moving too quick business) and 2) the illusion that magically it will work itself out this time because he *had* to have matured, right?. Thankfully during the years in-between I had learned enough about relationships to know that I could expect some things from my partner. When I spoke up about my needs he became the arrogant controlling AC he had been all along. It was over 8 monts later after much drama but this time I was over him for good!

]]> By: OpeningMyEyes http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/comment-page-1/#comment-254883 OpeningMyEyes Wed, 24 Mar 2010 14:19:12 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/#comment-254883 Thank you, thank you, thank you for this site. I have been laughing hysterically (nervous laughter, I guess) to see myself as I really am...Fallback Girl. I was in a 21 year marriage with an EUM narcissist and was finally able to extricate myself from that, but now I realize how unhealthy I am when it comes to relationships. I played into my ex-husband's hands and now find myself in a new relationship with another EUM. Guess what? Old h.s. hook-up!! I read myself completely in this post. I was swept into it hook, line and sinker, even though there were a thousand red flags that he even told me about, but I chose to overlook to see the "potential" in him and the relationship. How dumb could I be, except that until this site, I didn't really understand my role in it. However, I am reading your book, and I see I am just another classic case of being a Fallback Girl involved with an AC EUM. Everything you talk about, I have done. Everything you talk about EUM's doing, he has done. But, my eyes are being opened to who I am, and who he is. I know that I need to heal my unhealthy thoughts and learn to love myself. We had a fight on Sunday, and I am now on 3rd day of no contact and plan on keeping it that way. I love this site and it helps to know that I am not alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this site. I have been laughing hysterically (nervous laughter, I guess) to see myself as I really am…Fallback Girl.

I was in a 21 year marriage with an EUM narcissist and was finally able to extricate myself from that, but now I realize how unhealthy I am when it comes to relationships. I played into my ex-husband’s hands and now find myself in a new relationship with another EUM.

Guess what? Old h.s. hook-up!! I read myself completely in this post. I was swept into it hook, line and sinker, even though there were a thousand red flags that he even told me about, but I chose to overlook to see the “potential” in him and the relationship. How dumb could I be, except that until this site, I didn’t really understand my role in it.

However, I am reading your book, and I see I am just another classic case of being a Fallback Girl involved with an AC EUM. Everything you talk about, I have done. Everything you talk about EUM’s doing, he has done.

But, my eyes are being opened to who I am, and who he is. I know that I need to heal my unhealthy thoughts and learn to love myself. We had a fight on Sunday, and I am now on 3rd day of no contact and plan on keeping it that way.

I love this site and it helps to know that I am not alone.

]]> By: SOSTUPID http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/comment-page-1/#comment-248215 SOSTUPID Wed, 04 Nov 2009 01:30:39 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/#comment-248215 OH how I wish I would have found this a month ago!! My H.S. "Sweetheart" contacted me recently & I surely wish I didn't have my blinders on. I did exactly everything I shouldnt have done!! Including meeting up with him a WEEK after contact & did the deed. It was ok for me at the time cuz the AC blew some beautiful smoke up my ass & I fell foe every word thinking it was going to be like it was. The DAY after we seen each other he stopped all contact until I smacked his ego right in the face!! It wasnt until then that I remembered HE WAS AN AC a decade ago.......so why would he be any different now?? OH how I wish I would have found this a month ago!! My H.S. “Sweetheart” contacted me recently & I surely wish I didn’t have my blinders on. I did exactly everything I shouldnt have done!! Including meeting up with him a WEEK after contact & did the deed. It was ok for me at the time cuz the AC blew some beautiful smoke up my ass & I fell foe every word thinking it was going to be like it was. The DAY after we seen each other he stopped all contact until I smacked his ego right in the face!! It wasnt until then that I remembered HE WAS AN AC a decade ago…….so why would he be any different now??

]]> By: burnedtwice http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/comment-page-1/#comment-247871 burnedtwice Mon, 02 Nov 2009 14:41:55 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/#comment-247871 Wow, my HS bf actually left his wife, his home, and his job for me - it was initially an amazing relationship - but then I caught him on the online dating sites and he used that as his reason to not see me anymore. Just like turning off a water faucet, he was out of my life with no explanation and didn't even try to work it out. I have been devastated by this...but realize this was probably his MO all along, as our relationship had begun on the internet w/emails also. Now I'm just trying to get thru each day. Wow, my HS bf actually left his wife, his home, and his job for me – it was initially an amazing relationship – but then I caught him on the online dating sites and he used that as his reason to not see me anymore. Just like turning off a water faucet, he was out of my life with no explanation and didn’t even try to work it out. I have been devastated by this…but realize this was probably his MO all along, as our relationship had begun on the internet w/emails also. Now I’m just trying to get thru each day.

]]> By: Burned http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/comment-page-1/#comment-239527 Burned Wed, 26 Aug 2009 03:37:56 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/#comment-239527 Man, is this right on! I got burned at age 56 (!) by the jerk who dated me at age 15 and dumped me in the cruelest fashion at age 16. But I made every mistake you write of here! It is hard to learn to trust myself again. Man, is this right on! I got burned at age 56 (!) by the jerk who dated me at age 15 and dumped me in the cruelest fashion at age 16. But I made every mistake you write of here! It is hard to learn to trust myself again.

]]> By: aargh http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/comment-page-1/#comment-222962 aargh Fri, 27 Mar 2009 14:07:39 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/#comment-222962 So, I've been reading this site and have pretty much identified myself as a fallback girl. Here's the situation (it's long!) I was with a guy from 14-21 (I'm now 31). He was my first love, I was his. We spent a lot of time together and really 'made each other' in a lot of ways. We did the standard break up and get back together things you do at that age, but had some pretty good years. The last year was a nightmare, we split for 6months and then got back together (mistake) and he ended it finally. I was devastated. He started seeing someone new very quicky (yes, I think there was an overlap). I saw him a couple of times (one time we kissed and he wanted to take it further but I refused) then I realised I needed to cut contact if I was ever going to get over it. Fast forward about 4 years. I was pretty happy in my life, not met anyone special but ok with that, had the odd fling and generally having fun with friends, working hard etc. During this time we had had the odd chat, email and christmas card but really just in a hi how are things way, nothing more. Then, he called and said he had a Spanish friend to stay and they were visiting UK cities and he would be where I lived in a couple of week, did I want to meet for a drink. I said fine and we met up and had a great time catching up. I mentioned I was going to see a band that night and they decided to stay - you can guess what happened. Yes, he was still with this girl at the time. I felt ok, bit weird and it made me wonder. Then, over the following year we would hook up from time to time - yes, for a lot of sex which was still good. The intimacy was also still there, it's just very comfortable and easy. We had a laugh, would chat about stuff but rarely anything serious about what we were doing. I wasn't really interested in more from him - of course it crossed my mind but he was in the middle of a break-up (I'm not proud of that fact). He was also still sleeping with her (I found out later). Anyway, I moved again and the contact sort of died out. A few months later he emailed me to say he'd met someone and to tell me about her. I felt a bit sad but not in a big way - I wasn't expecting anything to happen so it was fine. He moved to Spain about 3 years ago and I went to his leaving party, met his girlfried etc. He and I chatted a lot later on in the evening and it was good to catch up. I went home and he went off to Spain. Again, I was fine, we had the odd email, phone call, IM chat to see how each other were but that was it. Then, just under a year ago, I started wondering about him - possibly because I just wasn't having any luck finding anyone to have a relationship with etc - I was wondering whether there could be more to me and him. I emailed him (I know, I know) to say I was thinking about him a lot and it was a bit odd. He replied that he hadn't forgotten me but that things weren't going great with him and his girlfriend at the time. I said ok and left it at that. Of course, then the contact started getting a bit more as things got worse in his relationship. She moved out in Sept and by the end of Oct, we were in regular contact and it had started getting steamy. We were trying to arrange to meet up but I was pretty busy and he was skint so it didn't really happen. He was going to be in the UK at xmas so we agreed to meet up then. Then, he backed off and said he needed things to be ok with her before anything actually happened with me. I was disappointed but said fine and I did understand - it was better that way anyway than it being dodgy as it was before. I did end up seeing him over xmas - he drove 150 miles out of his way to meet me for a drink in a pub. We chatted, had a bit of a kiss but that was it. I was left in confusion - really wondering whether there could be anything more. The conversations continued and then last weekend I went to see him. We had a great time, lots of fun, but I just didn't feel able to bring up how I felt. I'm really bad at it anyway and he isn't really in the place to hear it - his ex is trying to get him back and he's trying to stay friends with her (she's moving away in June, and yes, I know this is a big warning sign). We obviously slept together. He asked me a couple of times what I was thinking and I told him he didn't want to know - he was talking a lot about feeling like people always wanted things from him and he just needs to be himself for a while (he is a serial monogomist who admitted that he moves on to the next person too fast) but also told me about some girl he works with and has been wondering about (dick). So, I have come back and am a mess. My question for you is, should I let him know what I am thinking - eg. that I wonder if there could be more? I am well aware that his answer will probably be no and that I will have to deal with that but I think that's better than the constant hoping I am doing right now. The other half of me says just leave it well alone, if he wants you, he will let you know. The things that stops me doing this (and I know I'm probably deluding myself) is that he is as bad as I am at saying how he feels and we never talk about it so part of me wonders if he thinks the same about me but because I never say anything he doesn't either. I don't think this is that likely but I feel like I want to know. Any thoughts? Sorry for the long post, it's all a bit raw! So, I’ve been reading this site and have pretty much identified myself as a fallback girl. Here’s the situation (it’s long!)

I was with a guy from 14-21 (I’m now 31). He was my first love, I was his. We spent a lot of time together and really ‘made each other’ in a lot of ways. We did the standard break up and get back together things you do at that age, but had some pretty good years. The last year was a nightmare, we split for 6months and then got back together (mistake) and he ended it finally. I was devastated. He started seeing someone new very quicky (yes, I think there was an overlap). I saw him a couple of times (one time we kissed and he wanted to take it further but I refused) then I realised I needed to cut contact if I was ever going to get over it. Fast forward about 4 years. I was pretty happy in my life, not met anyone special but ok with that, had the odd fling and generally having fun with friends, working hard etc. During this time we had had the odd chat, email and christmas card but really just in a hi how are things way, nothing more.

Then, he called and said he had a Spanish friend to stay and they were visiting UK cities and he would be where I lived in a couple of week, did I want to meet for a drink. I said fine and we met up and had a great time catching up. I mentioned I was going to see a band that night and they decided to stay – you can guess what happened. Yes, he was still with this girl at the time. I felt ok, bit weird and it made me wonder. Then, over the following year we would hook up from time to time – yes, for a lot of sex which was still good. The intimacy was also still there, it’s just very comfortable and easy. We had a laugh, would chat about stuff but rarely anything serious about what we were doing. I wasn’t really interested in more from him – of course it crossed my mind but he was in the middle of a break-up (I’m not proud of that fact). He was also still sleeping with her (I found out later).

Anyway, I moved again and the contact sort of died out. A few months later he emailed me to say he’d met someone and to tell me about her. I felt a bit sad but not in a big way – I wasn’t expecting anything to happen so it was fine.

He moved to Spain about 3 years ago and I went to his leaving party, met his girlfried etc. He and I chatted a lot later on in the evening and it was good to catch up. I went home and he went off to Spain. Again, I was fine, we had the odd email, phone call, IM chat to see how each other were but that was it. Then, just under a year ago, I started wondering about him – possibly because I just wasn’t having any luck finding anyone to have a relationship with etc – I was wondering whether there could be more to me and him. I emailed him (I know, I know) to say I was thinking about him a lot and it was a bit odd. He replied that he hadn’t forgotten me but that things weren’t going great with him and his girlfriend at the time. I said ok and left it at that.

Of course, then the contact started getting a bit more as things got worse in his relationship. She moved out in Sept and by the end of Oct, we were in regular contact and it had started getting steamy. We were trying to arrange to meet up but I was pretty busy and he was skint so it didn’t really happen. He was going to be in the UK at xmas so we agreed to meet up then. Then, he backed off and said he needed things to be ok with her before anything actually happened with me. I was disappointed but said fine and I did understand – it was better that way anyway than it being dodgy as it was before.

I did end up seeing him over xmas – he drove 150 miles out of his way to meet me for a drink in a pub. We chatted, had a bit of a kiss but that was it. I was left in confusion – really wondering whether there could be anything more. The conversations continued and then last weekend I went to see him. We had a great time, lots of fun, but I just didn’t feel able to bring up how I felt. I’m really bad at it anyway and he isn’t really in the place to hear it – his ex is trying to get him back and he’s trying to stay friends with her (she’s moving away in June, and yes, I know this is a big warning sign). We obviously slept together. He asked me a couple of times what I was thinking and I told him he didn’t want to know – he was talking a lot about feeling like people always wanted things from him and he just needs to be himself for a while (he is a serial monogomist who admitted that he moves on to the next person too fast) but also told me about some girl he works with and has been wondering about (dick).

So, I have come back and am a mess. My question for you is, should I let him know what I am thinking – eg. that I wonder if there could be more? I am well aware that his answer will probably be no and that I will have to deal with that but I think that’s better than the constant hoping I am doing right now. The other half of me says just leave it well alone, if he wants you, he will let you know. The things that stops me doing this (and I know I’m probably deluding myself) is that he is as bad as I am at saying how he feels and we never talk about it so part of me wonders if he thinks the same about me but because I never say anything he doesn’t either. I don’t think this is that likely but I feel like I want to know. Any thoughts? Sorry for the long post, it’s all a bit raw!

]]> By: ts http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/comment-page-1/#comment-219320 ts Sat, 07 Mar 2009 06:08:10 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/#comment-219320 Well hey everyone, No one seems to be posting much today. Well, the world is insane. I am curious if any readers out there are experiencing the "old sweetheart" thing going on. Just curious. ts Well hey everyone,
No one seems to be posting much today. Well, the world is insane.
I am curious if any readers out there are experiencing the “old sweetheart” thing going on. Just curious. ts

]]> By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/comment-page-1/#comment-217001 Gaynor Fri, 13 Feb 2009 21:58:29 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/#comment-217001 NML, Sorry. My mistake. NML,

Sorry. My mistake.

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/comment-page-1/#comment-216991 NML Fri, 13 Feb 2009 19:14:37 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/#comment-216991 I suggest that both Gaynor and Used read <a href="http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/tag/friendship-sisterhood/" rel="nofollow">these posts</a>..... I suggest that both Gaynor and Used read these posts…..

]]> By: Used http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/comment-page-1/#comment-216985 Used Fri, 13 Feb 2009 18:00:55 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/#comment-216985 The jerk was extremely disrepectful. When women ignore other women, or don't stand up for friends when they are being dissed, they are really disrespecting themselves; and they end up fueling the dysfunctional behavior(s) and attitudes of the EUMs and other men. The jerk was extremely disrepectful. When women ignore other women, or don’t stand up for friends when they are being dissed, they are really disrespecting themselves; and they end up fueling the dysfunctional behavior(s) and attitudes of the EUMs and other men.

]]> By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/comment-page-1/#comment-216979 Gaynor Fri, 13 Feb 2009 17:26:29 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/#comment-216979 I'm sorry, but I thought this site was about issues with EUM's, not a place to vent about relationships with girlfriends. I’m sorry, but I thought this site was about issues with EUM’s, not a place to vent about relationships with girlfriends.

]]> By: Used http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/comment-page-1/#comment-216973 Used Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:58:20 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/#comment-216973 They act like friends, EXCEPT when the EUM is in the same room or vicinity. And these are 3 college-educated women, 2 being married! (???) Having good friends around when the EUM is also around or gets in your face/space makes dealing with the jerk soooo much easier. Yes, just ignore him. Given his behavior, he probably treats ALL women badly. No loss! They act like friends, EXCEPT when the EUM is in the same room or vicinity. And these are 3 college-educated women, 2 being married! (???)

Having good friends around when the EUM is also around or gets in your face/space makes dealing with the jerk soooo much easier. Yes, just ignore him. Given his behavior, he probably treats ALL women badly. No loss!

]]> By: Nilondoner http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/comment-page-1/#comment-216961 Nilondoner Fri, 13 Feb 2009 15:35:28 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/#comment-216961 Used... sorry to be blunt but... do you actually call them "your friends"? Used… sorry to be blunt but… do you actually call them “your friends”?

]]> By: Used http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/comment-page-1/#comment-216954 Used Fri, 13 Feb 2009 14:11:37 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/#comment-216954 You don't know how lucky you are to have friends who stick by you and who, on your behalf and out of respect for you, treat the AC the way he deserves to be treated! The friends who know that I dated the AC I have known for almost 20 years. And, still, when the AC and/or his wife are around, my friends completely ignore me, my spouse, and my family! Otherwise, when the AC isn't around, they are cool. It's painful, especially b/c I barely knew the guy and my immediate family sees this. You don’t know how lucky you are to have friends who stick by you and who, on your behalf and out of respect for you, treat the AC the way he deserves to be treated!

The friends who know that I dated the AC I have known for almost 20 years. And, still, when the AC and/or his wife are around, my friends completely ignore me, my spouse, and my family! Otherwise, when the AC isn’t around, they are cool. It’s painful, especially b/c I barely knew the guy and my immediate family sees this.

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