There are trust issues on both parts, past cheating, and he is protective of himself and his assets, and I don’t blame him.

I also agree, something I have come to learn since being single again, and that is that I truly am responsible for my own happiness.

We have talked, and things are better, the hard feelings have subsided, for now. And I can always blame it on pms.

thanks brad

This is one reason ‘I need more space’ is such a lame euphemism for ‘I plan to leave you’. Cuddling, sharing a room, watching TV in the same room! No words need be exchanged to forge a bond. The more time sharing the bedroom, or any room, builds for a future together.

Actually, what comes to mind is a question. What is he afraid of? We are hard wired by nature to want to make babies. Guys recognize the ‘lets start a baby’ part of the process really well, girls often focus on the ‘lets make a safe nest for our babies’ part. My point is, he seems to like the idea of spending time with you. What bothers him, that he isn’t working on building a home with you (life mating, that is)? He may be unsure of himself, he may feel his work interferes with being a provider or mate or father. He may not find you completely ideal – say for example you talked of quitting smoking, and he doesn’t smoke. Your smoking then becomes a serious character issue, completely aside from health issues. There are promises on the table, there is integrity and honesty in question. This is from my own past, by the way, and the issue turned out to be quite revealing and significant. But there are probably fears here, or you would be moving together faster. Whether the fears are yours, his, or both, it may take skilled outsiders to identify them.

Remember the beginning of Melanie Griffith’s ‘Working Girl’? Melanie’s birthday gift from her live-in boyfriend is lingerie, and she says ‘Maybe sometime you could get me something I could wear outside the apartment. A sweater or something.’ Perhaps you have overlooked a basic question – what does he find comforting? (For me it all starts with a warm smile .. Makeup and fancy ‘erotic’ duds bother me,) You might focus on what makes him comfortable, first. Later, some couples used to use signals to indicate interest in .. intimate exchanges. A flower in a vase, a lit candle in the bedroom, a note on his or her pillow, or some other cherished signal. Just remember that this would be an *invitation*, not a demand.

And if all fails, if you don’t find a way to connect .. allow yourself full time to grieve and recover before moving on. Hmm. Looking at a ‘down’ period of months to years before trying again. Sounds a bit like ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ doesn’t it? Unless you find a way to make this work.

We act to make the other happy, but we are responsible for our own happiness. If you find a way to make this work, *please* share the secret!

I have to keep myself busy, and I do, it’s just hard when the only night of the week that I am available to see him, he runs for cover because he is worried he might start to feel more if he spends another minute with me, and wants to take a break and shroud himself by his work.

I’ll keep praying for patience and understanding, and that things get better for him and his business.

For my money, no, it doesn’t sound like you have much in common with the object of this article.

You want your guy to change. You are unhappy with his responses to work. That is, you want a change.

Change is a powerful force, and no one can really direct it. If you get him to change, no on can predict what that change will be; you cannot, he cannot. And change is like a little death, there is no going back.

Life is a continual process of changes, for all of us. Usually small things, sometimes big awkward lumps of change. If we are close to our partners, we can try to change together, or make adjustments to maintain a good relationship. That isn’t exactly what you describe.

It feels to me that you have to decide for yourself. Asking him for any adjustment will feel rude to him, and may be beyond what he is willing to accept as a goal. But you can learn to cherish the times he is with you, to support him at all other times, and find other interests (that don’t threaten your relationship) to help keep your personal growth on track. Many things come to mind, depending on your circumstances. One might be to socialize informally with spouses of your husband’s co-workers. Another might be a craft, from sewing to gardening, to blogging, stained glass or ceramics, or scrap booking. Blogging or volunteer work are possibilities. Because your concern is how much of his time and attention is occupied away from you, please consider how much intensity other activities demand of you. I would hate to hear he had a week between projects, but you were too wrapped up in something to have time for him. That would work against both of you. Every life-partner makes a certain amount of this kind of adjustment, at least among those I know.

Or you can decide that you want to look for someone dependable, likable, comfortable, loyal, and also more available. You are the one that has to decide what is possible.

And as for what is possible, I suspect there is a chance he doesn’t understand just what you want, and probably figures that you aren’t being supportive about what his work requires. There might be room for some fact-finding and mutual education here. The reason for doing this would be to understand each other better, since this appears to be a disconnect. And you might find that your decision gets easier, once you know just what he values. After all, how can we not honor what our mate values?

Blessed be!

He admitted to withdrawing when work stresses him out and putting the walls up, and he has no time for anything but work work work, and still not enough hours for that. I can’t break down his walls and told him he has to find a way to let me in. It wasn’t an ultimatum, I told him I won’t push, but we’ve been “getting to know each other” for 2 years now, and I won’t wait another two years.

He is not dating others, I know this for a fact, whereas other times when this happend, I ended our “friendship” and moved on. I say friendship vs relationship because he has only ever viewed this as such. My response is friends don’t share what we have shared (no, not sex).

I still think he’s one of the good ones, a nice guy, (he’s very nerdy and straight, not a bad-boy at all) but he needs help with relationships.

Am I kidding myself that I’m any different from the women in this article?