Every week people share their stories of outrageous treatment and what it’s like to be on a crumb diet and I frequently repeat what has along with FLUSH!, become BR’s mantra; they’re just not that special.
They’re just not THAT special that you should diminish you. If someone is all of the great things that you believe them to be and/or that they claim to be, you should be able to coexist without battering your self-esteem.
They’re just not THAT special that they can treat you like Dialalay.com, Dialanegostroke.com or an activity pack to pass the time with on rainy days. They either respect you within a mutual relationship or go and use someone else up.
They’re just not THAT special that they can show up and ship out whenever it suits. This is not a Pay As You Go ‘Relationship’ on the Booty Plan. The funny thing is that when you tell them to jog on, suddenly Houdini can’t be gotten rid of.
They’re just not THAT special that you should stand in as their punchbag, or be verbally abused, or be subjected to the mind effery involved in subtle and not so subtle forms of manipulation and control. There is no such thing as acceptable abuse and nobody deserves it. When someone has the power and opportunity to abuse you, they’ll take their ‘axe’ and chop away at you. Stop denying, rationalising, minimising and even over-empathising with them – get.out.
They’re just not THAT special that you have any business being their option. Newsflash! There is somebody out there that will prioritise you but that is only going to happen when you accept nothing less than being a priority. If you’re willing to be an option even if it’s in a passive manner, an option is what you’ll be.
They’re just not THAT special that more than a year after it became clear that they were talking out of their bottom and that they were only after an affair, you’re still there replaying their hot air over and over again as if you’ve missed out on The Perfect Person. If I could creep around behind my partner’s back, try it on with you, show you that I’m shady and still have you pining after me after all this time, I’d believe that I was THAT special.
They’re just not THAT special that you should be falling in love with a profile on a dating site, because it sure as hell isn’t the person that you’re falling for. I hear from people who feel excited just by the words on a page.
They’re just not THAT special that they need to be checking their dating site responses while they’re on a date with you! What they can’t even wait until they’re in the bathroom, or wait for it, after the date? FLUSH!
They’re just not THAT special that you should or even ‘need’ to give up your friends, family, interests, passions, money, dignity and your sense of self.
They’re just not THAT special that they should be the only way that you can be happy and have your needs and expectations met. A good relationship is wonderful but you still need to be able to make you happy and meet your own needs and expectations.
Your thoughts?
Updated 29th October 2012: An audio version of this post is now available on Soundcloud.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1083 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Tinkerbell…I survived the ex-MM birthday and stayed strong…NC! I just keep reading these posts and it helps me to stay strong. HE WASN’T THAT SPECIAL.
But I have two questions for you all. One I was a fairly confident, successful female before this. This past 16 months with the AC has taken a major toll on my psyche. I don’t know how to gain my self confidence back. I so relate to the feeling of sadness and not wanting to put myself out there anymore. Can anyone give me ideas to help me feel good about myself. I try to nurture myself. Take hot baths, drink tea, exercise and take myself to the movies but I still feel like a piece of crap. I’ve been trough alot. Divorce, sold my house, moved into an apt and got rid of the AC. But I fell so empty. I’ve been in therapy for years which helps but I need to find a way to take care of myself…maybe time will heal.
Second…I think I already know the answer LOL…Does anyone ever want to tell their ex EUM all the things we’ve learned here? I read all this, including the SoSuave.com crap and it makes me so mad I want to say, “I’ve got your number!” A good friend of mine told me…”It’s like trying to get a blind man to see”
The ex-MM will never get it.
Thanks and love to you all
MRWriter
I too settled for a less than man in the areas of looks and education. This guy had a HUGE chip on his shoulder. Another man who is overweight in our racing group begins most conversations with a long vituperative diatribe against others in the group. There are better looking men out there that don’t treat womyn like crap. Last year I corresponded with a tall handsome guy on line and luckily he showed his racist, unethical colors early on. He doesn’t live near me so I never have to deal with him. I have really learned to avoid anyone near me, lest things go south. I too tend toward the intellectual and fit. Our standards are what they are because of lifes lessons. The first is because I refuse to dumb down for anyone. I fought hard for my education, literally loosing a home, a wonderful partner, community, because I told the truth about the mine waste as part of my research. The second, overweight men, a topic I often catch hell about is because I find it impossible to feel any attraction for an overweight guy. I have tried, can’t even force myself. This is probably because I have spent the past decade watching my dad, the last of my family, slowly die from obesity and alcoholism related causes. A grandmother literally ate herself to death rather than manage her diabetes. A cousin keeled over from a heart attack at 38. I am very careful to stay thin, in shape and expect others in my life to do the same. Dont wanna go down that road again and neither should you.
This is why my AC is NOT special. The mail he sent me after he broke up with me over the phone after I confronted him about cheating on me. I keep this mail around so that I can read and re-read periodically when I think about him as a good but screwed up person. There are so many inconsistencies in this mail that sometime I laugh after reading it. Like bullet point 2 about his ex-wife, she cheated on him. WOW. Seem to have followed her example there. I later found out she was so desperate to get out of the marriage and hurt him that was her escape route. Understandable in hind sight.
I’ve never shared this with anyone other than y sister but I’m hoping that it help other on this site and maybe I can get some healing and helpful advice on how to “let go” . I’m in NC and will be till the day I die but my heart still hurts from the betrayal. …..Apologizes if this is over sharing…
My sister made a point that he could use this as a standard break up letter going forward.
Here it is below:
“Yesterday, over the phone, at work wasn’t the best way to talk, so I wanted to give you more than I think I did yesterday.
You loved me, and I did not in return.
Everything else below is just an amplification of that fact, but I want to take the time to get my words and meanings out of my head and in front of you. Its easier to do this way than over the phone, and I found a few moments today to get my head clear so I could be clearer with you.
Some yes and no’s first.
Yes, I am saying I do not think we should see each other.
No, this does not have to do with any other person. This is a choice I’ve been struggling with for a while.
Yes, I have been on a been on dates other people.
No, I have not been intimate with any other person since I met you.
Yes, I like and respect you, and yes you are entirely able to disagree with me on that point.
No, I do not love you.
Yes, this is something I’ve been struggling with.
No, this is not as a result of anything you did, or did not do. This is an debate, and issue, internal to me.
It has been increasingly obvious to me you did, very much, love me. In many, many ways we fit very well. But, and there is always a but in this kind of email, as you wanted more of me, I didn’t in return. If anything, the closer you wanted to be to me, the less close I wanted to be. I saw you needing and wanting more, and I saw my reaction to it and how much I did not meet your needs. At the same time, a feeling that something was wrong was plaguing me.
Over the last few weeks that feeling got worse. It was easier not to voice it, both because it would hurt you and because I did not understand it. I wasn’t reacting to you the way I should, and I didn’t know why.
A few random examples: You wanted time with me, a totally normal thing to want with somebody you are dating. Sometimes this was awesome, but sometimes it felt like an obligation. I didn’t post (or even take) photos of us on our trip. We’ve been dating for six months and when my parents come to town I did not invite you over.
None of that is right. I realized that if I didn’t start listening to that little voice I was in mortal danger of doing three things I swore to myself not to do:
1. I was in a relationship with the wrong woman for a decade because I failed to listen to my inner voice and feelings, and instead did what I chose instead of what I felt. I swore to myself I would never do that again, and here I was starting to do it again.
2. My ex was that unavailable, retreating, sometimes available sometimes not person that I was being, and I swore to myself I would never ever become my ex.
3. I was not meeting your needs, and I was not being very clear on why and where I was, and so was being cruel to somebody I respect. You deserve a relationship with someone who fully returns the love, attraction, and trust you give them, and I wasn’t doing it, and I know how much that hurts.
I’ve been, obviously, getting a lot more busy and stressed at work with the new job. You’ve seen it, and you reached out to me to see me and care for me because that’s what a person who cares for another person does. Me? I retreated instead of accepting your caring. That isn’t right. A symptom of a right relationship is when hurt or stressed or scared one partner reaches out to the other and by doing so gives calm and energy and solace, not how I was feeling despite what you were doing.
So that’s where I was when you called yesterday. Knowing it wasn’t right, I wasn’t right with myself or you, which means we were not right. I know from hard experience if you are not right, it is must easier (and far worse) to stay not right that do the right thing and change your relationship. I know from being on the other side of this that it hurts, and I really don’t like or want to hurt you but I believe a greater hurt is not to stop this.
I apologize for the call yesterday, I was hoping to see you for lunch and talk to you instead of having a phone conversation, but when you asked I wasn’t going to lie to you.
I hope this gives you more insight into what is happening, where I am, and why. I hope this, at least after a while, hurts less than just leaving it where it was yesterday.”
I HATE HIM soooo much. He really really is not that special.
Jeez… with the “yes’s” and “no’s”.
That email that he sent to you, was to make himself feel better about it, that’s it.
And I don’t know why he had to go on..and on.. and on… my goodness. He could’ve explained that in three sentences, lol.
Overall… I wouldn’t exactly go so far as to call him a ‘total’ jerk, because even though he wrote all of that to ease his guilt, he was right. In a nutshell, You do deserve so much better and someone who reciprocates, and cares and respects you.
However, he wasn’t totally being honest, he contradicted himself… how it had nothing to do with anyone else.. but yet, he admitted dating other people?? Umm.. I believe that was in fact a contradiction and a straight-up lie.
If that were me.. I’d email him back and say, ‘wow, thank you. I respect your honesty. And I agree with you 100%. I do deserve soo much better. Take care
.
Sounds like he really didn’t want to be an ahole the entire time, but he just couldn’t help himself. lol. That’s pathetic. Seriously, not worth your tears, my dear. Oh.. and let’s not forget.. he’s totally unavailable. Blaming his ex, blah..blah… man up already. He makes excuses, blames, and takes no real responsibility. If he can recognize how he’s been feeling with the last relationship, and with you, he needs to also realize how far his head is up his arse as well, and not date other people until he sorts out his issues. But he won’t. He’ll go on to the next and mess that up to.
I wouldn’t waste to much thought-energy on this one… not worth it.
Oh and All this “I not good enough for you” BS came after he met the red head. Convenient EPIPAMY!!!!
Oh Araja, I could hardly read that. The lies, the manipulation, the selfish justifications. The pretence that he’s in no way at fault and he just turned around one day and… something dawned on him. And oh, the sudden epiphany did make him swoon like a sensitive princeling.
His inner voice? His hurt? He didn’t know why? He was in mortal danger?
Pathetic slime. All of it.
Why didn’t he keep it to a simple 17 words that actually told the truth? “I used you for sex until I found someone different and I don’t care about hurting you.”
THIS, ladies, is why we have NC!
Araja, thank you for sharing with us…WHAT a p”"” of s”"” he is! WOW, I cant believe it! IF I received letter like this, I would just said to AC: “GET over yourself loser, you are not that special!” Glad that you not in contact with him, you are lovely person, eventually you will meet a guy who will love and respect you:-)
Thanks Ladies: The bit that killed me the most was the fact that he basically putting the blame of break up on ME. I loved him and in return he threw me over the cliff……
I read this mail as “I’m breaking up and cheating on you because you loved me too much.” WTF!
I can’t believe that I cried over this man for months. I internalized his behavior and put myself through hell until I found and started reading BR. BR, NML and you ladies did save my life. I could not eat, sleep and my family was concerned over my mental state. I lost 30Lbs in a month and I was 140lbs to start off with.
I no longer cry over him…I no longer want him physically, emotionally or in any manner. My emotions have changed from sadness to anger. I want to see him hurt. I want KARMA to catch up with him….Hence when I hear of ladies talk about their ex-AC getting dumped, I’m happy for them. I want Karma to catch-up with all these douche bags.
Griz: He has always been (and will be) selfish. This is the man who looked me in the eye and told me he LOVED me. He knew from month 1 I was in love with him. The day he told me he loved me was the day it’s started to fall apart in my view. He is terrified and incapable of true love. He pushes women away when they get too close. He confused when “they always break up with me” happens. Well, buddy you are the common factor in this equation. The kicker line was when he told me verbally on the phone “I may regret breaking up with you in the future, but I don’t want to do this with you now. I’m not feeling it”.
Hell yes, he’ll regret it.
Little Star: That is exactly what I told him. “GET over yourself loser, you are not that special!”. I also told him that “I hoped for your sake that you learnt to recognize love one day and see what a beautiful thing it is” but warned him that it would be a cold day in hell when it would come from me. This is the reason I know he won’t come crawling back to me. He’ll move on to the next victim.
Surprisingly after the whole debacle, I learnt the red head was his FBG. They apparently dated for a month last year around Oct-Nov while she was healing some wounds over being dumped by her then boyfriend while at the same time she was trying to get back with another ex-BF. She dumped my EX saying she did not know what she wanted in her life and was confused. Now she’s back (after some therapy) to see if she CAN MAKE IT WORK with him this time. She apparently felt she did not give HIM a fair chance.
His reaction to her coming back was “I liked her a lot. I want to have a relationship with her”. WOW… Well she’s being treated like a princess now and still with him so I guess he knows how to behave himself when he puts his mind to it.
The AC and the FBG. I wonder how that dysfunctional relationship works?? Hmm……
Anyway, I wish I could wish them the best but I can’t. I want them to crash and burn…I want them both to her. Yes her too….However, I really don’t extend too much energy into thinking about them and focus more on myself but sometime when I see him/them I feel like salt is being rubbed again over a healing wound and it HURTS. NC RULES!!!!!!
MrWriter:
I agree with Awakened – have faith that things will get better. Sometimes you just need to let go, you know? Stop fighting your life as it is, stop looking for a new mate, date, stop thinking about it! A wonderful relationship isn´t something you can attain when you want it in the way that you want it, if it comes your way it will be in a way you´ve never imagined and at any given moment, not when you are looking for it.
Even if you aren´t a believer, practice having faith and gratitude. I´m not a religious person but I got to some point in my life when I just couldn´t get out of the despair without accepting that maybe there is someone/some force out there protecting us and sending good things our way. I had to accept that maybe I don´t really know what I need – maybe things are as they are supposed to be.
I truly think maintaining a spiritual approach to life makes it much easier to bear. My outlook has changed immensely since I learned to let go and I have much more joy in my life now. I just tell myself that yes it´s true I don´t have a significant other now but that there probably is a reason I haven´t met him and that some day I will and if I don´t, well that will be okay too.
Lilia
I agree so very much with what you say.
awesome response!! i needed that….
Lilia… Yes, faith & gratitude. We only live once and I refuse to waste my life wondering about the what if’s. U have to believe in something. I pray everyday for god to lead me to where I need to be. I am so very blessed with many things and I am grateful for all of them.
Yes, it would be nice to be in a fullfilling relationship with someone but for now I am enjoying all the freedoms that come with being alone. A year ago I struggled just getting thru my days after losing my mother & the end of my relationship with the commitmentphobic boyfriend simultaneously. I grieved both losses which wasnt easy but I am in a happy place in my life.
Kit-Kat, I´m so sorry for your loss… that is, of your mother, I suppose in the long run it´s best to lose a commitmentphobic boyfriend, right? But it must´ve been hard.
There is this novel by Joyce Carol Oates, Missing Mom, about a woman who – in a nutshell – changes her relationship values after she loses her mother, I guess these sad experiences ultimately help us evolve. At least, in the best of cases. Hope that is your situation, hugs to you!
Lillia, relieved to hear that, I think that`s the attitude to have.
Hello everyone, I am in need of some advice. I have just found out my boyfriend is planning to meet up with another woman on one of his business trips next month. Yes, I looked through his emails which, if I. Honest, feel justified in doing. I have out myself through he’ll and back with this man. The usual, which you have all heard before of lies, broken promises, disappearing acts, communication with other women and now he s doing it again. How do I approach this? How do I tell him I went through his emails? Do I just disappear? Do I explain? How do I cope knowing he will be with this woman I’ve never heard of? I read this blog and bought the book for the last two years and as much as I’ve seen the patterns I’ve got no self esteem left so I’ve not been able to walk away. I want too, this is my chance. But how? This man has abused me physically, emotionally and in every other way possible just like my mother. How do I walk and not feel the pain….. Again..
Sunny:
I’m sorry to tell you this (I really am trying to be kind here) but it will IT WILL HURT LIKE HELL when you walk away but you need to do it.
Please WALK AWAY now if he’s physically hurting you. You are so much better than that.
Go stay with a friend, family, anywhere you feel safe. You don’t have to mention the mail. It’s just one of many reasons you need to RUN AWAY from him NOW.
Sunny
How many options do you think you have here? You can stay and suffer for the long haul or you can run away and then get over it and get better. You won’t feel better until you leave. Stop waiting to feel better while you’re in it. It won’t happen. You don’t need to say anything to him. Just walk away. Say nothing. Just cut him off. He’ll know why. You think he needs an explanation?! You don’t owe him one anyway, and he’s already wondering what the hell you’re still there for putting up with this crap. Flush him. And expect better in future. It’s allowed. Take charge of yourself.
Sunny. Like you, I found thru looking at my EX’s email inbox that he was participating in an online dating site and meeting other women behind my back. He had left for work one morning & I sat down at his computer & his inbox was open and well thats how I found out. Got the password and read the emails he was sending back & forth. It made me so sick to my stomach. I also did not know how to approach the subject but I knew I had to do something. I knew the night he was meeting someone so I just waited to see what he would say or do. I was sobbing at the exact time I knew it was taking place. He called later & said he had worked late (lie) blah,blah.
Long story short, I dated him a few more months (stupid), monitored his dating site mail ect. but it was always in the back of my mind. Then he met someone else at a bar one night while I was sitting at his place waiting for him.
As he told me ,the connection with her was amazing from the moment she walked thru the door . Belch. I walked away then for good and I wil never look back. Went NO Contact immediatly against his wishes. U know he wanted to keep me in his back pocket in case it didnt work out.NO THANKS. Anyway, my advise to you is this. You can confront him now or you can confront him later but the end result is going to be the same. You will eventually have to be strong enough to walk away. He will not ever be faithful or give you the relationship you want. He just isnt capable. I read a book called “Men Who Cant Love” and it helped me alot to understand why some men cannot ever commit to one person or be faithful in a relationship. My ex cheated on his wife and I bought his reasons .I ignored alot of huge red flags due to my naive nature and always looking for the best in people.I had just come out of a long term marriage & trusted him with all my heart. I learned the hard way and caused myself more heartache & pain than I should have. Thank goodness I found Nat’s book and this site because I am not the women I was when I walked away. Good Luck in whatever you decide to do.
Sunny- you know the deal by now with this pathetic excuse for a man. Why on earth would feel you’d have to “explain” or think about your “approach”?
I could give you advice…and I’ve been in this exact situation, except I wasn’t living with him.
I believe that things show up in front of us, literally… as ‘gifts/blessings in disguise’, you’ve obviously seen many displays of crap behavior (putting it nicely) by this AC, so it’s yet another “chance” and wake up call presenting itself to you.
When we choose to be scared, and stay, and ignore these little ‘blessings’, it will just show up again until we finally ‘get it’.
What on earth is so special about this ‘bleep’, that he has this much control over you?
I would be quietly making other living arrangements. And when it was time to move all of my things out, I’d take the day off of work (without him knowing, of course) while he’s at work, and move my things. But before my final departure… I’d make sure I’d leave that email up in full view on the computer (oh, and I’d also send an email to the woman he’s meeting up with, about how the dirtbag used to have a live-in girlfriend, until, of course, you found out he was being a creep, again) so that when he came home and noticed the place a little ‘empty’, and saw what you left on the computer, there’d be no confusion. And, I’d block him from having any communication access to me. You don’t want to hear excuses or sobby sorry’s (or, he could blame you, and get mad which is total BS). I’d be done and never look back. But that’s me. You haven’t had good self-esteem since you’ve been dealing with his bad behavior, maybe you should get serious and try something different. Leave.
sunny, you need to get OUT. he has already proven to be a useless AC who’s also abusing you. i get that you have no self esteem left and it is very hard. i got out of an abusive relationship once and it indeed leaves you broken and confused. but there is a way out.
can you confide in a friend? arrange to stay with a friend for a while? your safety and sanity are more important than him getting an ‘explanation’.
abusers don’t just stop abusing, unless – maybe – after they’ve sought out some heavy duty treatment. get out now, while you still can. and you CAN. *big hugs*
Sunny, I would approach it by accepting how you feel about it – you want to leave. You have a confirmation of what he is and that he has not changed. I don`t think he deserves an explanation and matter of fact, it would be conterproductive. He sounds the sort that would just deny it, manipulate you and mess with your head and you might end up doubting yourself and stay for another round or even several of this. I have a t-shirt for that one. Just leave and go NC, I think that`s the only option, and the one that will hurt you the least.
Put a lovely card into the post, addressed to him at his hotel. Do it two days before he leaves so that it arrives when he’s there. He’ll receive it and tear it open thinking it’s an “I miss you” card from the girlfriend he smirkingly duped.
Ah! But it won’t be. It’ll be a card that tells him he’s dumped. That you know everything about his business trip. And that if he attempts to contact you ever again, you’ll report him to the police and get a restraining order put on him.
Five’ll get you ten he reads that and suddenly has to rush to the bathroom.
Thank you everybody. I left without a word. I have been reading this site for two years now and it has helped me but I’ll be honest I’ve never been ready to follow the advice even though I knew I should have done. I was, as Natalie has said many times before, thinking I was the exception. It’s funny because the new post this evening relates so much to what I’m going through. It has stopped me from losing any more self respect. Thank you all. Really, thank you.
I am so glad you revisited this, Nat. I moved three and a half hours’ drive from my MM. Yes, he did show up here, yes I caved in for a few hours and let him in, yes, I came to my senses and said no, I did not want to continue. I do miss the attention–the emails, texts and calls. He was skilled at making me feel part of his day-to-day life. Having lived many places, the sense of belonging was seductive.
Then this morning I was out with old friends and they said, “You’ve always been charming and desirable. YOU are the one who is special, not him.” I was floored. Why didn’t I see myself this way before?
I will repeat this out loud to myself today until it sinks in.
I started seeing my guy friend a few months ago and he was so affectionate and I thought he was equally into me. Then one day his roommate who didn’t know we had been involved blurted out that my guy had a girlfriend.
When I confronted him he assured me he wasn’t with anyone else and that this girl was just a random he and fooled around with a while ago and he wasn’t interested. I decided to believe him.
After I wanted more from him, he pulled the slow fade, went from hot to cold, wouldn’t call or make plans to hang and then just blew me off altogether. I distanced myself.
However, last week he pulled me in close and I thought that maybe he just didn’t know how to go about things and did care and I was again hopeful. This week I saw him and found out that indeed he has been sleeping with that girl from the time he was originally with me.
I feel so crushed and I keep telling myself that if didn’t value me enough to tell me truth then I shouldn’t care if we remain friends or not.
He even said so himself, I’m just a regular guy, I don’t know why I’ve put him on a pedestal with a sad sign saying ‘pick me’.
I feel pathetic for liking him as much as I do knowing that he comes with more baggage than anyone ever should. I am trying to avoid that Florence scenario. He had me fooled, I thought he was doing much better and ready to grow up.
I realize now that this other girl is a distraction and on the same level as him (avoidance/booty call and that he’s still in love with his ex).
I feel so weak, NC wouldn’t matter, we practically are already. I have liked him for such a long time, I feel used and like a nuisance if I bring it up to him again. It won’t change the outcome.
I am incredibly heartbroken today.
Atrophy
“NC wouldn’t matter, we practically are already”.
You’re wrong. it would matter, and yes it would make a difference. If we could channel the energy we use to avoid NC to actually instigating NC, we’d all be a lot better off.
Take it froms someone who “practially” instigated NC but didn’t go all the way, you could be stuck there for literally years.
Cut him off completely and utterly.
I cut them all off, the facebook, the emails, the text. Single best think I ever did.
And now I got a new boyfriend and a good relationships which I wouldn’t have if I was “practically” NC with any of the exes. And even before the new boyfriend, I was way happier without these jerks in my life as a constant reminder of how bad things used to be.
Nice is nice, affection is nice, but none of that points to integrity or character. Nice and affectionate isn’t that special on it’s own. Most people are nice, or can be for a certain number of hours a week or in certain environments. I’m sure Hitler was very affectionate to his dog and his girlfriend. Doesn’t make them relationship material or that special.
@Sunny if he is physically abusing you; you already know the answer of what your next move should be and no its not to bring up the discussion that you went through his phone. Who cares who he’s getting ready to knock boots with on his next business trip!! Hopefully you will be packed(if you live together)and have exited by the time he makes it back. I would dissapear and he’s definitely not worth an explanation.
That first comment was exactly what I needed today. Very recently, I got out of what was kind of a shady relationship. It was more or less friends with benefits (not the smartest move, I know) and most of our communication was via email. I really liked her, and I thought I had a future with her, but every time I told her I wanted the relationship to be a bit more like regular dating, her answer was always no.
Eventually, this came to a stop when I ended up meeting another girl at a wedding, and I asked her out. It was very hard for me to break the news to my now ex-(sort-of)girlfriend, but I think this might have been for the best. The new girl and I recently had a conversation where I opened up about a lot of my past mistakes, and even after that, she still told me she loved me. I told my ex I loved her several times, but she never once said it to me. I know it’s still very early, but I think this act speaks for itself.
Rave
Thanks for your good words. As was alluded to by Sushi, even in AC’s absence, the probability of finding a healthy partner here is slim. I do function independently quite well, even far better than most men but I’d really like a good partner again like I used to have. I want to be able to speak freely about environmental issues and against goddam mining with someone who loves and respects me. AC was the only person I could do this with; that’s a good part of my sadness, being silenced again. It’s the towns well deserved reputation as being trashy that keeps good, quality folks away. I will try for the Vt job, if it does not happen, it wasn’t meant to be. Yep, I have put a ton of effort into fixing this broken land, tried hard to fix this broken community and I have a number of special needs animals that no one wants, not to mention 32 chickens. They are as important as my happiness. Believe me, I sooo wish I could just kill my need for another, go emotionally numb till retirement. My primative lil brain thinks that HE oughta be the one that takes it in the shorts financially, has to be displaced and start over. I am not the one hurting people.
@MRWriter yeah I have to agree with you. So many great points you can’t help but notice if you’ve witnessed it. My last encounter/date was with a guy who owned a huge a MAC computer but when our check arrives to the table on a dinner date he lets it sit there for a minute; waiter comes over to the table after when he thinks that he had enough time to slip his credit card in the black book. The waiter picks up the black book and the AC goes oh I hadn’t put my cc in there yet. The waiter goes ok i’ll give you guys a few seconds and come back. Waiter walks off and he jokingly says ok who wants to do the dishes? I was mortified. He was waiting to see if I was foot the bill. I had already paid for dinner on our first date the night before. Mistake #1. So I totally agree with what you are saying. Some guys (not all) now days are looking for a financial hookup; perks; benefits; 401K and a mortgage if you will be dumb enough to be Sign for one. Oh I was asked if I could buy him a house too after all of this so yes I can relate.
Awakened,
it`s just incredible how fast they “get” feeling intitled to a treatment that is too good…and they seem to develop a learning difficulty when you try to show/tell them your boundary.ugh…..
6 months ago in the depths of despair and the worst feelings of rejection and desperation I googled “how to get over an ex”. It led me to BR and my life is forever changed. Nats words and the support of u wonderful ladies has forever changed my life.
Thank you! For your advice,honesty,stories and support.
Im sloooowly becoming a stronger woman everyday because of u guys and the work Im putting into loving myself.
Hugs to everyone
Sarah. I can say Ditto to that . I am so much stronger everyday for the stories ,support,honesty I get from this site. It has been a godsend.
Hmmm…what a god-send Natalie’s work has become to me and all of her readers! I found her book and website when I truly needed an intervention. If you were to meet me, you’d wonder probably think I had my act together. I am a 52 year old grandma, 30 year teaching veteran, divorced for 3 years after 26 years of marriage. I have been dating my “soul-mate” for the past 3.5 years. We really do have similar values, likes/dislikes, and interests. He has become VERY important to me. I very cautiously told him I loved him after 1 year of dating. He broke up with me shortly afterwards. We reconciled within a week. Another year passed, he broke up with me again. One very long month passed and we reconciled again. I might have been 51 years old but I felt like I was going to die. It was devastating- much worse than my divorce. The past year has been wonderful- we spend every weekend together. We have so many common interests & compatibilities. However I am concerned because he has NEVER said he loves me during all this time & he makes no overtures about a future together. Should I push the envelope? I have been reading Natalie’s blog– such good information! Thanks for your consideration, Sophie
Sopie Sun, I can relate so well to your story. I am also 52. I have been divorced for 12 yrs now. Met the AC 2yrs after my divorce & thought I had hit the jackpot. He was everyting my ex-husband was not. Dated 9yrs which worked for both of us,raising kids as a single mom is tough,working full time ect. It just seemed to be a perfect set up for both of us. I thought we were happy. I was so wrong. Looking back I realize ALL the red flags I missed. He also would not say “I love you” back for a very long time but eventually he did.He would always respond with “your so special to me”.YUK..Anyway,I have learned over the past year about commitmentphobic men,AC’s and such. My ex’s name is on every page of Nat’s book. He cannot commit to anyone or anything long term.I see it so clear now.He was so good at keeping me at arms length, giving me just enough crumbs to give me hope. I was devastated when it ended. But I also know there was NO future with him. He just isn’t capable of having a committed long term relationship with anyone. It was so hard to go NC & let it go but I had too for my sanity. What is his past history w/relationships like ??
Forgot to add @MrWriter I know that big ass MAC computer (which he probably didn’t pay full price for and bought it HOT off the street) was probably used to hook up with a slore of women from multiple online dating sites; to feed his Porn and online Gaming addiction. But he could barely pick up the check for dinner.
although I know I am making a bigger deal out of him than he is, although I know that he would never take any responsibility to his bad behaviour, of never making me a priority, of not knowing what loyalty is and ‘standing by your woman or man’ means, he called me many names and used so much reversed psychology on me it became ridiculous, WHY am I still doubting my own judgement? WHY do I still keep going forward and backwards on this, WHY do I still feel guilty even thinking of having an interest in somebody else, WHY am I still so upset when I think of him with anybody else, why can’t I shake this feeling of care and love for him?
I get so mad and feel so powerless over my own misplaced attachment I have with this man.
He never listened to me when I expressed concerns about our relationship or anything else really, just sat there, sometimes giving feedback but always making me feel like I was alone and lonely in my life, was always passive agressive and dripfeeded information thàt bad that after 3 years I really can’t tell how his friendships really are, with whom or how his former relationships have been. He sabotaged our relationship so bad by drinking too much and going out without me, being selfish and closed up, telling me I didn’t love him enough, he didn’t feel appreciated, I should be glad for him not cheating on me after not having sex for weeks instead of getting angry at him for staying out until morning with 3 other women friends of mine and doing drugs (not my friends anymore..) and all I can think sometimes is: why am I the bad guy here? Because that’s how it ended, with me being the *b*tch* and all kind of swear words because I called him on his behaviour for the ‘nth time and said I néver wanted to have anything to do with him no more.
Why do I still care what he thinks of me?
I can’t get past that, I try and I have succeeded to make my life sooo much richer than it was before, still, this aching emptyness and vacuum he left is so overwhelming sometimes.
vhs, your heart just needs to catch up with your head. it will get there.
it’s been 6 weeks for me now and this morning i had a big crying spell again. i miss him in my heart, but i also know he was not good for me. he didn’t treat me with the respect and care i deserve. and yet… an entire morning has gone by and i’m still shaky. can’t get anything done. then i get mad at myself for giving away my power to an EUM who strung me along, while he was still in love with his ex. my heart has started to catch up with my head. it just isn’t there yet. and it’s the same for you. don’t beat yourself up over this. it takes time.
hi Natashya,
thanks for your reply, I know when I read it, you’re right. It’s been 3 months of NC now and I have no trouble not reaching out.
But I wish I could truely feel he’s the AC he really is, when I make a list of things that happened (even or mostly just the bear facts) I can see the inconsistencies and yet still part of me wants to believe or has doubts that he was lying about things when so many things just didn’t add up. (when somebody dripfeeds information that bad in a way you’ll never catch up with the reality of what you’ve left behind it makes your mind -well mine at least- do a subconscious CSI every other day…)
I have to let go, but letting go of an investment you’ve put all your energy in, I guess that’s the hardest part. I know, it takes time…
in: hello not been on here for a week or to. but somthing as happened which has thrown me off guard completely . MM left his wife and returned home to his parents and his wife has found out about the new ow . i have remained nc. i have no intention of being the hareem that blows smoke up his bum. And yes i have no right to feel devestated like the wife but i do.
any help to get me through this would help .
tired
what are you devastated about? and how do you know about this?
Tired, well done for staying NC. It must be really hard for you but DO NOT CONTACT HIM! Just think how awful this must be for his “real” family. That was never you (sorry) and you never will be. You will never be anything other than a fallback option when all other options have been exhausted. You know how that made you feel and you are getting stronger. This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Be glad you are out of it.
I believe that on some level, Tired wanted the fairy tale, the happy-ending but not necessarily the man. Tired,
Trust me, you are not missing out on anything, dont be devasted. Recently, a man who cheated on me almost twenty years ago return to my life to tell me that he really wants me. He is now getting a divorce because he repeatedly cheated on his wife.
Don’t think that these women are getting the prize, think of it this way “you just dodged a bullet”
Btw, I blocked my ex number, I am moving forward, I guess he thought that I was his fallback girl. Because as these men age, they don’t want to put forth the effort , time and money to meet someone new. So they start reaching back into the past…it’s easier. Men love convenience, i.e. the nanny, housekeeper, secretary…. so, don’t be surprised when he returns 5, 10′ 20 years later
I have been enjoying reading all the comments as well as the articles for a couple of months now. I recently broke up with my EUM of 3 years. I wanted to get married at some point and at least have confirmation of some sort of plan for a future together but he could not commit at all. He was uncertain of what to do with his life including working and where to live (he is from overseas and is thinking of going home after a number of years). He acknowledged that he could not be the man that I needed him to be and said that he is the one who was “f’d up” and needed to sort his life out.I was not strong enough to do NC so did a gradual fade out which worked better for me as he is also a friend. This is where it gets tricky.
I read some peoples EUM and AC experiences and think my EUM was not nearly as bad as that. Infact I still think he is a really nice person but just EU. This is what makes it even harder as we are still friends and get on well. How do you get over someone that is difficult to villainise?
gentle
You don’t have to villainise him but realise that having him in your life is holding you back. Are you going to continue to be friends with him until he leaves the country or meets someone new? If you would be genuinely happy for him to marry someone else (or at leat 80% happy) knock yourself out. Otherwise the friendship is too inequitable. it doesn’t make either of you a bad person. Most people, good, bad or indifferent don’t remain friends with all their exes.
And many people marry someone from another country. Most countries have laws and systems (green card etc) to facilitate that. So that’s a red herring. He’s your bog standard nice commitment phobic bloke, not that special that you should be his friend until a) he moves on or b) you can’t stand it anymore.
i agree with grace. my ex EUM was not quite an AC, just EU as well. i tried the friends thing and it hurt me even more. i found myself bargaining and hoping we’d get back together even though in my head i knew it wasn’t going to happen. it’s torture. we were traveling together when we broke up and remained ‘friends’ for another month. then i flew home. i had to.
i am NC now. not because he’s a jerk, but because it upsets me to be in contact with him. once i’ve given all my feelings a proper place, maybe we can be friends. or maybe we’ll find that we have nothing left in common. we’ll see.
One of the things that stands out here in some of these posts that seems to be a running theme: “He was still in love with his ex and…”
Um, noooooooooooo, a man who is still in love with his ex, doesn’t go booty calling other women…
At least not a man that ISN’T an asshat.
These men do not know how to “love” in any real sense of the word. People who are not over their past relationships, HEALTHY people, STAY OUT until they are over it and heal.
Men are capable of this too. Maybe not very many, but I guarantee you, these men were not acting in respect for you, nor for their ex’s they’re still apparently in love with. See how ridiculous this is?