No foreplay, teenage foreplay routines, repeated tries for anal sex, licking us like a cat licks milk, and expecting us to ‘taste’ ourselves are just some of the things that annoy women in the bedroom.

No glove, no love.

It is beyond irritating when you’ve made it clear to a guy that there is no room in the inn if he hasn’t got a condom on, and yet he’s still trying to go for it bareback.

Teenage Routine

A lot of us have those early experiences of being with a guy, which had a routine that went roughly along these lines: Kissing followed by touching the breasts and normally giving one, not both a squeeze. This could last for seconds or if lucky a whole couple of minutes. Try to undo her belt/slip hand up her skirt. If he’s not met with resistance, a rummage around followed by finger foreplay. If you’re lucky this lasted for a few minutes, but for some unlucky ladies, it was just a cursory check to make sure she’s wet enough. Then sex, which normally lasts for three minutes, again if lucky. Surely we can do better than this? Foreplay is not a cursory check to see if she’s wet enough to have sex with and when she’s not, a few shoddy manoeuvres to speed things up. It is time to grow up and move your sex routine on!

Foreplay.

What’s that??Most of the time, some heat needs to be created before we get excited. We don’t spontaneously moisten and a woman is not geared up as if waiting for a penis to enter her is the thing that she has been waiting for all of her life. This is when a guy doesn’t even bother with the Teenage Routine! Jabbing it in without foreplay is just plain rude and harks back to the selfishness. And no, those times when you both just can’t wait to have sex are different. There is already excitement there which will help the proceedings.

Taste Persuasion

This is a tenuous subject, but I’ll touch on it. If and I say if a woman allows a guy to come in her mouth, there is rarely a guy that will kiss her straight after. He’ll grab the glass of water off the nightstand and offer it to her, or let her have a moment to brush her teeth etc. So why, oh why, oh why is it that when men go down on a woman, they think it’s perfectly fine to go straight in and start kissing her? Why do they think that we want to taste ourselves?

Bummer

Accidentally on purpose putting willies by our bums is annoying. Trust me, if we wanted to have anal sex, we’d bloody well let you know about it. No matter how many times it ‘slips’ towards there, if she doesn’t want to do it, she won’t.

Blowjobs

Guys, a blowjob is not a given. Just because a woman is good at it, doesn’t mean she wants to ‘chow down’ every time you have sex. A blowjob every single freakin time you have sex, surely just becomes routine? It doesn’t just have to be wheeled out for Christmas’ and birthdays but it shouldn’t be expected as a permanent spot on the menu.

Saucer of milk?

Every woman is different but as a general rule of thumb: Stop assuming that putting a tongue on a women’s bits and lapping at it as if it’s a saucer of milk is guaranteed turn on. It’s just like intercourse: If sticking it in was all it took, we wouldn’t have half the problems we do with our sex lives. Variety is key and every woman likes different things. Oh, and just in case there was any doubt: Not every woman likes cunnilingus/being gone down on.

I didn’t know we only had one breast…

There are 2 breasts with 2 nipples. Why do so many men tug at one? Give the breasts some proper attention instead of a perfunctory tug to get to the main attraction.

Question Time

I’m not fond of being ‘interrogated’ when I’m having sex. ‘Is it good for you?’; ‘Do you like how that feels?’; ‘Is it too big for you?’; ‘Am I the best you’ve ever had?’; ‘Are you coming?’ and the frightener ‘Is it in yet?’ are amongst many. Most questions are OK when they are on their own, even two questions, but after that it’s like an interrogation and it just takes the sexiness out of sex. The only time questions are good is to ensure that you are doing the right thing if you’re not getting a response. However if the same questions are being asked every time you have sex, then there are bigger issues. Oh and ‘Who’s your daddy?’ is just wrong. I know who my daddy is and I don’t want to be in bed with him.

Overuse of Endearments

There is such a thing as overusing the word ‘baby’, and ‘bitch’ should not be entering the lingo unless you’re both taking part in a hip-hop video. I recognise that that people have their terms of endearment, but like everything that is overused, they lose impact. Use the terms sparingly and they mean a lot more and are a turn on.

Stop! Hammertime!

I’m scared of men whose sexual movements are akin to a jackhammer. Pumping away at a woman like an over excited teenager, or like a man who is an Olympic race with himself is awful. It’s not just how un-sexy it is, it’s also the damage it causes ‘“ no woman wants to have her back thrown out or be bounced around on the bed like a rag-doll, causing a bad neck, cystitis and even possible bruising.

Selfishness

Sex is a two way street and when the guy comes, it shouldn’t mean game over if the woman is left yearning for a little satisfaction. It’s about a balance of give and take, and if a woman is repeatedly left wanting, I guarantee that frustration will build up.

Socks Off

What the hell is a guy doing keeping his socks on when he’s having sex? Does he not look at himself with the light on and think that he looks like a twat? I love my handbags but I don’t keep it on my shoulder when I’m having sex. Is he worried that his feet won’t be warm enough? Take them off!

Hard of Hearing

When we say ‘It’s hurting’ in a voice which sounds like the body is in pain, it is time to change tack/pull out, and ask her what’s wrong (yes questioning is good here). It is NOT supposed to be a turn on. When guys continue on in the throes of ‘ecstasy’ we often end up with a nasty bout of cystitis. Women need to speak up, men need to listen!

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