I hear from a lot of people who are unhappy with exactly the type of person that they wanted or even wished to be with. In fact some are unhappy with the person whom they believed that they needed in order to have the type of feelings or relationship that they envisioned.
Be careful of what you ask or wish for, especially if you have a ‘type’, the type of person who in terms of characteristics, qualities, and possibly values that you feel is the most attractive.
After over seven and a half years of writing Baggage Reclaim, I’m yet to hear one person say that their type is someone who treats them with love, care, trust and respect although I have been given wish lists that are longer than the till receipt for the weekly grocery shopping for a family of four.
If you have yet to manage a relationship with your type that has mutual love, care, trust, respect, shared core values as well as the secondary values like appearance and common interests, along with commitment (note that this doesn’t mean marriage it means committed to each other and the relationship), intimacy (willingness to be vulnerable by being emotionally available), consistency, balance and progression, your type is a toxic type especially if when you’re involved with this type, you drop your self-esteem.
One acquaintance explained to me how she realised how she was getting what she wished for when she found herself alone and dumped on her birthday. This guy got twitchy about committing to having breakfast the following day so it should have been no surprise really that he wasn’t exactly chomping at the bit to settle down and make babies no matter how fabulous she was. How could this be? she wondered. And then she realised something – like me, each of her boyfriends had been what she wanted at that time. Her guy was muscly, tick, very good looking, tick, gave her butterflies, tick, ‘spontaneous’, tick (she never knew when he was going to show up or when he was going to pull a Houdini plus he tended to expect her to drop everything), great in bed, tick, and had a good job, tick.
She had got what she was looking for, it’s just that she didn’t like what else it came with plus she assumed that this package would come with the deluxe commitment and fertilising of eggs package. She also assumed that when she was ready to settle down, the same type that she’d been having fun with for all of these years would spontaneously combust into being relationship ready.
My old type used to be: must give butterfly feeling, doesn’t have to be really good looking but must be over five ten although I did go through a phase of going out with exceptionally tall guys (opposite to my father), must be intelligent with a good job and make me laugh. Oh and they had to either pursue me until I gave in (even if I still wasn’t that into them) or they had to be ambiguous and elusive as this would trigger desire, curiosity and the internal butterfly machine.
I tinkered with my type so would look for the opposite of something that got on my nerves only to wind up with the same problems because I was still looking at the trees instead of the wood.
If you want to have your space and not allow anybody in and be emotionally unavailable, believe me, there’s plenty of people out there that will give you this and you will feel more alone than you ever have. You’ll have so much space, you’ll wonder if there’s a relationship.
If you want somebody to fill your daddy (or mummy) needs, take it from someone who knows, you’ll get it and then act like a child while handing over all of your power and will end up near crapping yourself over fear of being abandoned.
If you want somebody to be in charge and tell you what to do and think, there’s an assclown harbour shark out there ready to snap you up and put you into a doormat costume.
You want somebody who seems to be the same as you and you’re actually emotionally unavailable, with unhealthy habits of thinking and behaviour around relationships, watch out.
Who people are is self-evident – we don’t need to make it up. People unfold and show you who they are… or aren’t.
If you have a ‘type’ the problem is that you will assume that the presence of these characteristics, qualities and values means that the ability to have the relationship you want is self-evident. You think your type is predictive of the existence of the other qualities, characteristics and values needed for a relationship.
That’s giving your ‘intuition’, whims and possibly an unwillingness to change course far too much credit.
Be careful of what you look for or even wish for. You can’t get what you’re not genuinely valuing and looking for in the first place. Make sure you understand each of the things you’re looking for and why – it will help you to focus and prioritise.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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197 Responses to Toxic Type: Be Careful What You Wish For
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Ahhh….my toxic type. Yes, I’ve definitely had the “Artist” in his many forms. Always misunderstood. Always on the verge of creating something great.
…And always broke. Always self-absorbed. Always a philandering coward.
See where I’m going with this? But guess what? Imma pull a Judge Judy on my OWN ass and say to myself, “You picked him.” And my own stupidity doesn’t give me carte blanche to paint every man with the AC brush. I need to grow the eff up and look for something better.
Incidentally, I thought of you all yesterday, when watching my niece in a community theater performance of “Peter Pan”, playing the hell out of her two roles, Fairy #16 and Indian #22. With the last scene of the play, I found myself quietly cheering Wendy on under my breath, as Mr. Pan (the most famous EU of all) blew into her window and she (now older, happily married, and with a daughter of her own) told him to take his fairy dust somewhere else.
I was like, “Damn straight, girrrrrrl.”
LOL! Rev, you always have the best posts.
Rev no truer words were ever spoken, ‘my own stupidity doesn’t give me the right to paint every man with the ac brush’. I have a friend who continuously says there are no good guys when I’ve watched her chase after the worst of the worst, the real truth is that she is only interested in the bad ones. We all need to remember this. I don’t have a type per se, my men have come in many forms but the one thing they had in common is that they were all eu, that is my type. I can smell them from a mile away.
Lol I like that. As exciting and fun as Peter Pan was he was never ready to grow up, and smart girl Wendy knew when to move on.
Oh Rev, that’s awesome and oh you are so right on about the artist type but yeah we pick em. Work in progress. We’ll get there. Hugs girl.
Revolution,
You just made me laugh out loud! what a great post….x
My ex contacted me today. I was in my first meeting for my business with potential clients… It was going very well, I look down at my phone… And it’s a picture of something funny… A personal joke via txt. He sent one last month as well, saying that he wished we still laughed together. Today has been 5 months NC. I didn’t
respond to any txts.
I feel that I am ‘good’. Moving on and happy, overall. I just don’t understand why today’s txt bothered me a little. Such a ‘crumb’. 6 years… It ended badly… No adult discussion… Just me walking out on him finding out he was lying and
cheating. That was it.
I would rather an apology than anything else. Some human decency, maybe. I was able to pick myself up, dust myself off… And just live my life and succeed full speed ahead. Rather than being depressed and obsessed over him… Hell, I spent too many years doing that.
Why does he have to txt at all? Why not leave me alone, completely? I don’t need these monthly reminders… It’s worse than my period. Lol.. I thought of blocking him. Or.. Sending him back a pic of the place where I walked out on him… Lol.
I loved this person. We were together a long time. And I am doing my best to be happy and just enjoy my life (which I am), but when I here from him… I miss him. I’ll full out admit it. I wish he wouldn’t do that… Txt at all… I want to block him out.
Ladies… What’s your take? I’m struggling tonight. Thanks xo
Demke- my take- he is an asshole. He knows exactly what he is doing, scratching your wound. So he lied and cheated and now misses the nice times? Not to mention the big effort/changed man ; a text a month. You do need to block him, people like him take the “no” as an invitation for another round of asshollery ( been there) and you are doing so well, why put up with something that rattles you, it won`t lead anywhere. I know it`s tough to block, feels like last thread of connection to him and the finality thing is not easy. Be strong.
Demke
Every year one of my exes puts a crimp in my christmas and birthday by emailing me. I haven’t responded in five years.
I’ve had them redirected to my junk folder but every so often I still pick them up as I check my junk for legitimate email.
I think about it as little as possible, to the extent that I won’t allow myself to even wonder why it pisses me off so much.
From my understanding “no contact” means “no connection”, not “non response to contact made”. Seems that you need to block his access to you or you’ll stay on his leash. Take it from another who had 6 years plus some…and I thought I too was in no contact for a year before I realized my nonresponse was still a connection.
Thanks ladies
… I Soo appreciated your responses and ‘take’ on it, all very good points.
Lol! Sushi.. Yes, asshole fits the description pretty well. And even though I considered it ‘final’ 5 months ago… What u said about blocking him, is the last thread of connection to him… You’re absolutely right. And after I received the little crumb… I actually thought that. Why should he even be allowed to send me txts? Why should he have any access to me, in any form? sending pics of things we used
to laugh about. As little as it seems… It has some kind of effect on me. Doesn’t last long. But. You ladies know what I mean… Y’all went through it. For some mysterious (f’d up)
reason… These ‘types’ leave their mark like no
other. I am not sad or angry about it. It’s just
hard to believe that after so long, it’s finally over. Finality for me was a relief, a shock, a blessing,
and disappointment all at the same time. Strangest experience/relationship I’ve ever been in. I’ll never be the same. …I don’t even mean that negatively. It has changed my mind set, for the better. I’m ‘awake’. Lol… Makes me think of that Katy Perry song (can’t think of the name).
Anyway, it’s comforting knowing that these situations are common. I am not alone. And even though it may ‘change’ us… It was all for a reason. I truly believe it’s so we’ll really know something good when we find it… So that we know what every day happiness is really like. We didn’t all go through this ridiculous shit for nothing! Lol…
Demke,
you are most definitely not alone, and you won`t feel like that for long.I undrestand you to the last dot in your post.:)
Revolution’s post really resonated with me. I ALWAYS gravitate towards the artistic type, with tattoos, a deep mind, great thoughts, great conversation, misunderstood, complex, romantic, blah blah blah just like me. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that type of guy but I’ve had the most intense relationship with a guy like that that lasted about five years, and it ended in 2011 with a few communications from him in 2012 and I am still NOT over him yet. I have mentioned him in my past posts but no one knows how much I went through with him. He had a daughter that was 2 years old when I met him and she absolutely fell in love with me and I with her. Throughout our relationship, she was the glue that held us together. Her mother was a different story, with my now ex kicking me out of our first home together back in 2009 so he could move his daughter’s mother in. Then the second time around we lived together for a year before he said that we’d have to live separately to be able to stay together, only to find out that once he helped me move into my own apartment, he left me to be free and only dipped in and out of my life when he pleased. We had a unspoken rule that he would contact me every 2-3 months to say hello, that he missed me, to call me crying saying that heroin was the reason he had distanced himself and he hadn’t wanted me to see him like that, etc. etc. Every time I fell for it. I can honestly say that since I knew him so well, that part of his reasons were valid, that I do believe he cared for and loved me to an extent (however small), but there was always something more that he cared for and loved more. I was never a top priority in his life.
This man was the most intelligent person I have ever met and he taught me so much about myself and life in general and I know he was a huge piece of the puzzle in my life, but the hardest to deal with. I’m not saying that because I’m still in love with him. I’m saying that because he was so intelligent that even he couldn’t handle it. He was one who could talk to absolutely anyone, about absolutely anything and lie to someone on the spot without even thinking, later with me realizing that that was detrimental to me. He was a true Pisces who couldn’t face reality and had resorted to drugs when he was 13 years old. After he went to rehab and was clean, he completely disappeared from my life except for a few attempts at “showing” me he still thought of me last year. He now has a new girlfriend and she is pregnant with their son (I blocked both of them on Facebook 5 months back for my own sanity). I met him six years ago and haven’t spoken with him in about a year, and I am so mad at myself for not being over him! We had lived together most of our codependent relationship, not really having any time for anyone but ourselves. Only after we had broken up did I realize that it was a codependent relationship and that I had unconsciously enabled his drug addiction. I am angry that he used me and took me for granted, but I’m also so angry at myself for letting him take away the best years of my life (19-25). I am still dealing with the repercussions of our relationship while he has moved on to a better woman (in his eyes) who is now carrying his second child. I know exactly what I would tell someone if they presented this story to me of their own, but I can’t help but feel helpless because this is MY story. I am still living in the past, being sucked back into our memories from years ago. The majority of the pain is gone, thank god, but the fact that I’m still living in the past is not. Occasionally I’ll hear an old song of ours and my breath is taken away, so I immediately turn the song, or let it play while I cry like a baby. Things like that. If anyone can offer some words of advice who may or may not have gone through a similar issue, I would greatly appreciate reading them! Thank you so much in advance!!!
Searcher- don’t beat yourself up for not being over him because it’s been more than a year. This is someone that you loved and spent years with. A lot of us have either gone through it, or are going through it now. It’s a process. Sometimes, it takes longer than we expect, but that doesn’t make it ‘wrong’.
And my God… You are still so young. The best years for you are yet to come… I’m 37… And for me, my best years I have to say have been my 30′s. You learn, you grow; to get to a place where you are perfectly ok with you. Single or attached.
Sometimes, we need just need to let things go naturally, don’t put a time limit on grieving, but do get out there and live the best life you possibly can… And one day you’ll say ‘omg… I forgot to even think about ‘______’.
I was with an ‘artistic’ type myself for almost 7 years. Yup. Tattoos, smart, funny, bad-boy type… Who was a typical Assclown. Jerked me around for a long time. And as I mentioned in my post above… It’s been 5 mos. NC, and he’s still, ever so subtly, toying w me. So, I’m going to take the advice of the wise BR ladies and block him. Do I miss him? Yes. Like f’n crazy
sometimes. There are moments when I feel like… How will I ever, truly, get over this person? I’ve been feeling like that ever since he txt me on Tues. But. You know what? Those feelings… Come and go… And I know over time… Those feelings will happen less frequently and it’s because I want to be happy. I do things that make me happy cause I couldn’t do it while with him cause everything was about him!!
As u mentioned… I know how it feels not being a priority. The hot/cold, bullshit. Never feeling worthy enough of something friggin’ normal and healthy… It never making positive progress toward a true commitment.
I want and deserve a great relationship w someone I know has my back and makes me a priority. I may grieve here n there, get confused about it… But it doesn’t last long, because I know if I dwell in it, I’m pushing away the possibility of someone great walking into my life. And… Screw that! Lol.. I’m dating a few men now, and it’s fun. Taking my time
You’ll be fine… Just keeping pushing forward. Keep reading BR, and believe that it didn’t work cause there’s someone out there who’ll surprise you and treat you in such away that you’ll be so grateful it didn’t work!
Thank you so much Demke, it’s always comforting to know that others out there have gone or are going through a similar situation. I believe you’re right when you say it didn’t work out because there is someone better waiting for me, but it’s the negativity and skepticism that I need to also overcome to fully believe that.
I stumbled across old instant messages from my ex and I from back in 2009, right after he dumped me the first time. It was almost a relief reading through the messages because I clearly see (now) how he was stringing me along but at the time I didn’t want to see that or accept it. It also shows me how much I’ve grown.
Your ex still texting you reminds me of my ex randomly texting me, and after reading BR I realize that he was only dipping in and out of my life to see if I still had an attachment to him, for an ego boost and an option.
You sound very strong so I think you’re on the right track. I think the NC rule would let the guy know you’re not falling for his sh*t anymore. As for me, I feel better today and hopefully I can retain a positive attitude towards my situation. Good luck to both of us!