Toys R Us - Toy Boys - How to have them
February 24, 2007 by NML
I haven’t dated a younger guy for over four years but he has left a lasting impression because the very idea of it sends a shiver through me. However, there are plenty of women that do date younger men and have very successful, happy relationships. I always wisecrack that I can see the advantage of dating someone who was few years younger as he has less relationship experience imprinted on him and I could teach him all he needs to know. However the reality for me was that it was an enormous pain in the bum and teaching eventually slipped into nagging bitch of a girlfriend verging on nagging mother!
Society seems to have a bit of a hang up about women who date younger men, despite the fact that our male counterparts happily flaunt their younger partner without most people batting an eyelid. When a man dates a younger woman, provided she’s over eighteen, it’s generally viewed as being normal. Yet even when a woman is in her 40s and dates a man in his 30s, she’s a cradle snatcher and many feel sceptical about how real the relationship can be.
For most Baggage Reclaim readers, dating a younger man will mean someone who is in their 20s or 30s, but dating a Toy Boy will throw up a number of issues which you should be aware of to enable the relationship to succeed. I speak from experience and far too many tales!
Accept that he is is younger!
This may seem like an odd thing for me to say but in order for the relationship to succeed, you do need to sit up and recognise that he is not the same as you. He is younger, and you may have different attitudes to things. Men mature slower than woman which means that depending on which end of his 20s he’s at, he may sometimes seem like a guy in his late teens. Pretending that he is the same as you with the same mind is a guaranteed route to a pile-up on the relationship highway. My ex Toy Boy had sex like a man, was professional at work like a man, but often descended into Kevin the Teenager behaviour with his immature behaviour. When the honeymoon period was over, I woke up one morning, looked at him and realised that our relationship had descended into bossy older sister, and was a step away from being mother/son territory. The pretence was over!
Manage Your Expectations/Be Patient
Don’t keep beating him over the head about the fact that guys your age would do XYZ and he doesn’t. Also remember that depending on how wide the age gap is, he may not have had very much relationship experience. He isn’t a mind reader so be patient and communicate with him as guys are vey literal, especially the younger ones! I know someone who dated a younger guy as she got tired of ones the same age or older, and when the honeymoon period was over, the most frequent thing she bitched about was the fact that he didn’t behave like a man the same age as her exes. Er, duh! Of course he doesn’t. Expect him to act his age and you won’t tear out your hair in frustration.
Clash of Social Lives
Depending on how young he is, his crowd of friends may remind you of a time that has long gone by. If you and your friends are late 20s and 30s, having dinner parties and a bit of a calmer social life, and his friends remind you of your days when you were a raver that didn’t collapse in a heap after one night out, there could be a clash of ideals. His friends are his peers and you may get paranoid that they think you’re holding him back. They may also make you feel older than you are and your friends may seem so much ‘better’ or ‘mature’ than yours. Be careful of allowing either of the social circles to impact on your relationship and you should both make sure that they are welcoming and supportive on both sides. Friendships are important and short of binning off your friends to hold onto your Toy Boy (bad idea), it is better to get some buy in from each side. This is the same for his family who may eye you with suspicion. Give them time to get used to you and don’t give him a hard time for other people’s perceptions. Show a united front and hopefully his family (or yours) will get used to the relationship.
Don’t Treat Him Like a Dirty Little Secret
Nobody, regardless of age, likes to be the person that you’re happy to shag, orgasm with, snuggle with on the sofa, but not actually introduce to your nearest and dearest. The Toy Boy is no exception and considering that this is a different type of relationship, I suggest that you don’t create problems. If you’re ashamed/embarrassed by the fact that he’s younger, chances are that your relationship won’t last long anyway. You will make him feel inferior and probably provoke the arrival of that ‘immature’ side as the arguments kick off.
Clash of Ideals
Depending on how old your Toy Boy is, it is possible that his brain, nevermind his penis, hasn’t caught up to the idea of marriage/moving in etc. This is something to suss out subtly before the relationship gets really deep and your expectations rise sharply. If he’s thinking that the next few years are about having a good time, even if he does have a girlfriend, and marriage etc is something that he sees happening in 5, 10 or whatever amount of years, and you see it as something happening much sooner, there will be trouble in paradise. I know a guy who is a Toy Boy and for the past year he has been arguing about marriage and kids and feels incredibly pressured by her. He is happy with her and feels that by buying a house with her he has shown her how committed he is, but she is really broody and feels that marriage is the next logical step. Doesn’t she know that men have a very different attitude to moving in?!!!!
Don’t Disregard His Opinions/Desires/Expectations
You may be older but you aren’t a superior being. You don’t always know best and you are not always right. He may have less relationship experience, be younger etc but despite the fact that you have accepted that he is younger, please remember that you are on equal footing. The biggest mistake that you could actually make is be with him because he’s adoring, pliable, doesn’t ask too many questions and you can dictate the length and breadth of the relationship. I know of women that have broken up with their Toy Boy and looking back, they can see that they treated him like a bit of a non-entity. Listen to what he has to say and respect his input into the relationship, even if you don’t always agree with it.
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This post has been slightly updated from the orignal which was posted in Dec 05.
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Awesome article!
This part was hilarious!
“I woke up one morning, looked at him and realised that our relationship had descended into bossy older sister, and was a step away from being mother/son territory. The pretence was over!”
Well, not sure what to say, BUT it seems that all reference to toy boys is about the rich and famous and or the 30 to 40 year bracket. I wonder how many there are out there like me and my toy boy ( I never think of him as that) but we have a beautiful relationship and have had for 5 years now and the age diff is 17 years!!! 44 and 61yrs!!! Whats wonderful is that family and friends just accept us as we are - infact think it is wonderful!.