Well, BEAUTY has been my issue all of my life. Because I’m a second-tier or third-tier woman. Not movie-star gorgeous. Not cheerleader either. But very attractive. Very talented. Very thoughtful and sincere. And very intelligent.

My dad was a sex addict (I’m finding this out now, and I’m 56.) Every beautiful woman who walked by caught his eye, and I saw it happening. (My mother was oblivious. She was Joan Cleaver, and her thoughts and efforts were in the kitchen and in the pages of our school books.) He was highly successful; worked hard; came home late every evening and he was the most respected man in our community.

Luckily he never wanted me in THAT way…

But I got the message that I wasn’t beautiful enough to capture his attention. He was always preoccupied, and all I really wanted was to be the apple of his eye.

Okay. We all have our stories.

So it was helpful to read this. Being a woman in her fifties, it would be easy to feel as though it’s a beauty pageant out there, and only the girls in their 30′s and 40′s are gonna win. Not so! I just put an ad on Craigslist that said, “Brisk walk and hot chocolate? Could be fun.” I got 15 responses, and because I had only one week before going out of town, I quickly made 8 dates in 4 days. One guy was 41. One was 48. Two were 39. And one was 28. I liked the 28-year-old the best! He was handsome and quick and very savvy. We bantered easily back and forth.

That was just for then, just for a week, because I was desiring a brisk walk and some hot chocolate, and it was great! What I ended up with was one friend (28), two sets of flowers, three dinners and three follow-up dates.

It wasn’t about beauty at all! It wasn’t about my age, either! It was about fun times together, and things to talk about, and loving the moment and … just being there…

Thank you.

It might not be obvious, yet, but – don’t just stay away from the guy. Stay away from every guy that fills the role that he filled. In time you should come to see what kind of role you want a guy to fill – but anyone that could step into your guy’s shoes won’t be healthy to have around.

Peace.

Brad K.’s last blog post..Back from the dead: Re-engaging with the ex

You’ve given me some great suggestions, and we must be on the same page, because I’ve actually begun to do some of these things in an effort to simplify my life. I’ve been decluttering a lot recently and am beginning a exercise programme.

I really appreciate the moral support You expended a lot of effort just to give me some hope that I can be in charge.

@ Jean-thanks for your post and for the good wishes-I agree with your opinion about volunteering-there are so many things that I can do to help improve my situation. I have spent a lot of energy thinking about my EUM and how I can engage him in the head games and it’s so counterproductive. I just forgot about myself and how to prioritise.

@ NML-I will take baby steps and dig deep to get myself out of the hole. And I will stay away from him….

Thanks all so much!

Sometimes when you are down so long in the helpless victim mode, it becomes a lifestyle. Like the generations of families who are on welfare. The participate in the activities that keep them stuck where they are.

To change your life, you have to change what you do day to day so it no longer supports the negative lifestyle you currently have.

I would highly recommend volunteering at a hospital, garden, shelter, etc.

If you can, get a good massage. That will help fill your love tanks.

Also, you might try Reiki and EFT.

Best wishes!

There are a couple of other things to consider, about building esteem.

One is physical. Eat well, if you are unsure how to get started, check out the “diabetic” type meal plans, they are well balanced and moderately portioned. After years of Hostess and Budweiser commercials, and Tofu-sprouting celebrity fads, few people really know how to eat healthily.

Exercise. 1) Go to Wal-Mart. Before you start shopping, walk around the store, on the inside. Stay to the aisles closest to the outside walls. Repeat for 20 minutes. Do this 2-5 times a week. An enclosed mall or other large store also works, but Wal-Mart is often used to this use of their facility.

Wal-Mart has an exercise section. Pick up a pair of 2 lb hand weights. There are lots of exercises you can do with a pair of hand weights – setting on the edge of the bed before you begin your day. Start easy – by the time you repeat each of four to six different movements with the weights 10 times or 15 or 20 – they get heavier. Every 4 to 7 days, increase from 5 times for each exercise by another 5, until you get to 20 times for each movement. Then get a pair of 3 pound weights. Start with the 20 times each exercise on the 2 lb-ers, then add 5 each with the 3 lb-ers. Get to 20 each – pick up the 5 lb weights, and start again. After that, drop the 2 lbs and pick up the 10 lb weights. Don’t buy the next size until you are ready to use them. Part of the discipline and benefit here is the discipline – just doing the same old, boring exercises, every day. After a couple of months, the feeling of increased strength, though subtle, contributes to a sunnier day. Lots of repetitions with small weights will never built huge muscles, but they do (gradually) increase strength. Include raising the weights straight over head and out to the side, and you strengthen lungs and back, and benefit breathing. The slow progress is deliberate – allow the heart and lungs to adapt as you ask for more effort. If you find yourself breathing hard with small weights – back off, do fewer repetitions until your body catches up with you.

Self defense takes many forms. A large part is mental preparation, knowing how to avoid safety risks. Any class that helps make you aware of your body, it’s rhythms and strengths, will build esteem – Yoga, aerobics, informal walking or weights. Taking charge of your safety, with a class in Judo or Karate, boxing, etc., though, can turn a person’s world around. Look for and insist on well-respected instructors – people more interested in your safety than ambition to compete. One for-instance – I know a couple of people that spent themselves broke – doing “competitive” ballroom dancing. Competitions are *always* about generating revenue for someone else. Contestants are audience-fodder.

A line from Feng Shui caught my eye once, I forget which book. Something like, “clutter interferes with creative flow.” Each item left in a living space distracts your thought, is something that delays pursuing an intention – is one more step keeping you from beginning a project. With two sons, keeping the home neat and picked up is a challenge – but remember, as the parent, training them in discipline is one of your responsibilities. Children (of any age!) require work and chores to build character. Look for and demand respect, not thanks.

You sound like a very bright lady, well read. But it seems you want a happy answer now, not a way to grow more useful to yourself, your family, and your community. Practice, for several months at least, writing a journal. On paper. In a book you use for that purpose. Every day record thoughts, incidents from that day – questions you ponder and worries. Every evening. Various stores sell unlined “sketch” books, diaries, and journals of all sizes. Pick one up, a nice pen, and see whether you have the discipline to keep a journal – or whether you need to identify the rebellions and fears that interfere with discipline and taking control of your life.

I heard on the radio, that it takes two and one half (2 1/2) years to get over a divorce – three and one half (3 1/2) for a woman. You never allowed yourself any time at all to resolve issues from your marriage before looking to this latest guy to “save” you from the hurt and confusion and anger of your failed marriage. You may not have finished grieving for the marriage even yet. Instead of looking to find a man, first let yourself heal – address that “excess baggage” that keeps you from seeing and living a happy life. You may not be ready for a partner, until you no longer *need* one – and again come to want one.

Luck!

Brad K.’s last blog post..Back from the dead: Re-engaging with the ex

Thank you so much for being so compassionate. I really enjoy your style, which is why I come to this site every day. It is a Godsend for those of us who are stumbling around in the dark and making the wrong choices with interpersonal relationships!

There’s a big part of me that is just using him, too. He lives about 7 minutes away from me, I get lonely and sexually frustrated, I don’t want a relationship and I use him because he’s there and we get along well. However, I don’t REALLY get what I want. I want him to want me and that ain’t happening.

So, my issue with him is that I am chasing nothing and humiliating myself into the bargain. Again, I cannot continue to do this to myself so if I go NC, then that problem will be solved.

I think I am massively codependent. I will get in touch with a counsellor, as Gaynor and Natalie suggested, to begin to examine this and sort it. That’s going to be a long, long road.

I have only been divorced since July so I am still trying to find my feet over that one. I feel confident that it’ll be okay. I actually have a very good relationship with my ex husband. A major problem is that he now lives about 1,500 miles away. He is not around for my sons and that means that the issues I have with my bipolar son fall squarely on my shoulders..But after he gets out from detox, I will begin to research more resources and try to get him the help he needs.

How does that sound? I get the feeling that it looks like I’m not trying to deal with the chaos. That’s not true. Of course it doesn’t help that I actually CREATED it with the EUM, but now I see that’s what I’ve been doing, that’s going to change.

Im sorry if I’ve taken this way off topic-I really didn’t mean to get into other aspects of my personal life and I feel a bit embarrassed that I am using this forum as a vehicle for my problems.

My son’s friend came over last night when I was at work. They apparently spent the day drinking. I DO blame his friend for bringing the vodka and I blame my son for drinking it. Why shouldn’t I? That friend has been banned from my house because he brings alcohol here, but I have no control over what happens when I am at work.

Have you had experience with mental illness? If not, you need to be less judgmental of my situation.

About an hour ago my ex and I took our son to the ER and he is now detoxing in a safe medical environment.

I can really do without your judgment right now. I am obviously trying to figure things out because I’m making lots of stupid mistakes. I’m not perfect.

I do take responsibility for my life-I’m screwing up a lot since my marriage broke down because I’m trying to adapt to being a single parent in charge of a household and a mentally ill drug addicted son. Trying to find some companionship with someone who isn’t the least bit interested in my well-being.

etc, etc.etc.

These are my mistakes and I’m trying to figure out how to correct them. How is that not taking responsibilty?

Maybe you just don’t like the way I write or the way I think or something-I seem to remember you jumping down my throat on other posts. Why are you so hostile to me?

And I don’t think it was kind of you to comment on this-I wasn’t looking for sympathy, just providing the backstory to my current situation.

Like, if he finds me attractive and still wants to be sexual after all these years, then hell, I MUST be hot ! He tells me how nobody else does what I do and he is addicted to me, I am unforgettable and incredible in bed. This is all to dig the hook further in, right?

And I just eat it up with a fork and spoon….God, I’m a moron.

And then when he witholds the sexual favors that I want, like the other night, I must be worthless and ugly and so that’s when I have to prove all the things he tells me are right!!!

Ugh,

Right now, my son is passed out on the couch after his friend brought round a huge bottle of vodka. He is a very mean drunk and I am dreading him waking up. He already had a go at me this morning and I just left the house. My ex husband is here on a visit and is watching TV in my basement and I can’t even rely on him for any emotional support.

So yes, I do feel very overwhelmed and perversely have added my EUM to this mix. Maybe I DO crave the drama, but in my heart I LONG to be drama-free. I can’t imagine how beautiful it is to have serenity. But you are absolutely correct in that I have created drama with the EUM-that is all my doing. He DOES respond, though, so he obviously gets something out of it-as you say, Natalie, an ego stroke and a bj, with NO demands for reciprocation.

I MUST stop this madness. It’s such a long hard road to go down again, especially as I had my epiphany in december. I felt I was truly healed. I think the thing is that I thought I was safe and could deal with contacting him again. He really IS good company. When we made the arrangement Friday, I was only going there to watch videos with him and we made no mention of sex, then he started trying it on. Of course, that’s when it all went pear shaped…but that WAS all my fault. I dont want to be vulgar, but I love this guy’s dick and wanted to connect with it.

I know, I have a lot of work to do.

Sorry for rambling on. Probably not making a lot of sense-I am just trying to process as I type.