Trapped

October 24, 2006 by NYM

cupped hands As promised, over the next few weeks I’ll be exploring my commitment-phobe issues. Last week I listed the top four issues which contribute to my Miss Unavailable status. They were:

• If I’m not perfect I am not lovable.

• The desire to be in a relationship is a sign of weakness.

• If I don’t accomplish everything on my own before getting permanently involved with a man, the accomplishments are not valid.

• It’s easier to be single than take a chance on love and get hurt.

However, this morning, recent events triggered the realisation that I had omitted an issue. So this week, rather than expounding on my fear that if I am not perfect, I am not lovable, I will explore the new issue.

Over the last couple of months, my job, at which I had been perfectly happy since last December, has turned into an absolute misery and torture. It’s been bothering me for weeks and weeks but I’ve only just grasped the extent to which it’s been contributing to my icky feelings. After spending yet another night of restless sleep, this morning I had an epiphany. I’ve been feeling trapped. Trapped. Suffocated. Claustrophobic. That’s it! And the feeling of being trapped has burdened me with feelings of fear and dread that I will have to stick this out and suffer for as long as I’m able.

That’s when I realised that the Miss Unavailable inside of me is claustrophobic! She’s terrified of becoming trapped in a relationship. And she is especially fearful because she’s been trapped in bad relationships before. It literally took me years of on-again/off-again with Vito and Mr. 3.5 Inches to finally be able to permanently rid myself of these relationships. After years of introspection and therapy, I still have not uncovered the root cause of my inability to let go. And the thought of not being able to let go of another nightmare relationship scares the living hell out of me!

Instinctively, I’ve been avoiding relationships and encounters with available men because I’m afraid of becoming trapped. This issue is part of my personality. I’m that way with every aspect of life. I’m deathly afraid of becoming trapped in anywhere and in any kind of situation. I blame this issue on the fact that my childhood was too stable which has led to a lifelong restlessness and wanderlust.

Of course the whole notion is silly. After realising why I’ve been feeling panicky and depressed, I realised that I’m not trapped in any job. This freed my mind (Yes, sometimes I’m a prisoner of my own mind!) from panic and worry, and also allowed me to realise that I can find another job if that’s what it’s going to take.

So, I must realise that I do not have to be trapped in a relationship. Not all relationships are bad. And if I open myself up to the possibility of good relationships, I will be able to attract available men and actually experience a normal and enjoyable relationship and I can stop hyperventilating at the mere ideal of…commitment.

New York Moment’s Column is published on Baggage Reclaim every Tuesday and you can also read more about her life on her blog