Comments on: Trapped

By: Damon

Damon — Sun, 03 Dec 2006 10:37:23 +0000

Dear “WhyamIhere”. I used to be married. A single woman pursued me. I resisted. I fell in love with her. Then she told me that nothing would happen unless I left my wife and family. As soon as I did that, she ran…. I can just here the PC chorus of “that was your choice, your responsibility” etc. But, believe me “whyamIhere”, you are causing absolute devastation by your actions. If you chase someone and then you flee when they make themselves available for you, then you are….(fill in the blank good people…not with a pretty word).

By: New York Moments

New York Moments — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 16:33:38 +0000

I don’t know if this will help you to cut yourself loose from the married guy, but try to think of it this way:

You DESERVE to be in a relationship with someone who is willing and able to put you first. You don’t deserve to be in a situation that is inherently going to make you feel bad. Subconsciously you know this. Just repeat over & over to yourself that YOU DESERVE BETTER.

By: WhyAmIHere?

WhyAmIHere? — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 16:20:10 +0000

NYM - all i can say is that after reading your post…it’s like a mirror image of my own life and issues. my first relationship in college was also on again/off again with an abusive and dishonest guy that took me 5 years to finally let go of. i am 31 and have never truly been able to recover. i haven’t had a healthy relathionship and i chase the ‘unavailable’ men. however once they become available, i run. i can’t put my finger on why i do the things i do but i know i’m not happy and many times i feel lost. i’m very successful in my professional life and live a very uneventful life, spending most of my time working and none of that time enjoying my life which i know is passing me by. currently i’ve been involved with a married man for over a year that i am painfully ‘faithful’ to and probably obsessed about but i know he will never be with me and i wonder if he’d be so attractive to me if he were. i just know that i feel a lot of pain over being third or fourth on his list of priorities. having to be available to him and made to feel terrible when i’m not, but he is never there for me when i need him. i just don’t know how to find the strength to walk away from this…

By: Randomly Sane

Randomly Sane — Wed, 01 Nov 2006 03:49:44 +0000

Wow NYM - excellent post. Especially blaming your childhood on being too stable…! I just took a personality test last week that said the same thing…they said it was soooo incredibly healthy that I have a serious need for independence and freedom….it’s totally amazing how much our childhoods shape our future…I would of never fathomed that a stable upbringing would result like this….

But, now that we are adults it’s up to us change…it’s hard, but I totally understand where you’re coming from…

By: just-me-jen

just-me-jen — Sat, 28 Oct 2006 12:07:49 +0000

Good post, NYM, and good advice from Brad! Think I’ll borrow it! I also have the “relationships are much easier to get INto than OUT of” fear, and I think the journal idea will help with that and any situation. Thanks to both of you!

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Fri, 27 Oct 2006 01:34:37 +0000

NYM, Fear is a tremendous burden. I am sorry you are carrying so much around with you.

I think that ‘fear of commitment’ faces us in the wrong direction. Instead of asking ‘Here is commitment, a relationship, should we be afraid?’, we should instead focus on the positive aspects. If you find relief in ‘I can leave if I have to’, you are already on your way out, and that is not the way to move in, claim your territory, and make it the home you need.

Of course, the rule I advocate is to rule out any dates or potential partners unless they measure up — as co-parents. If you can’t imagine the guy raising a kid, yours, his, adopted, whoever’s, then he must be weak. His aptitude and skill at being disciplined, kind, nurturing, and gentle with children and animals should apply to you. If he can’t make it as a parent, then he just comes up short.

I don’t claim the only reason to get together is to have kids. But if kids do come around, you want a guy ready for the situation, that you trust and look to for help and cooperation. The ‘hottest’ guy, the ‘best lover’ has invested his life in looking good, or performing in bed. That is a very teeny slice of skills needed to make a worthy life for himself and a family — even if it is only the two of you.

Much as it pains me to quote scripture, I think the virtues of a husband or wife, as held by the Amish, Mennonites, and Hutterites seem to be pretty universally valid. Honesty, integrity, respect, good with children and animals. And the emotional and spiritual stability of shared beliefs are more likely to hold a couple together, than a couple without beliefs, or beliefs held more strongly by one than the other.

I also understand that a daily journal can be a big help, in clearing your thoughts and understanding, and in tracking changes and planning (forecasting?) goals. Whether a journal, meditation, or just a few minutes devoted each day to quite introspection, you can allow all the ‘noise’ and busy thoughts to quiet down, to let the hidden thoughts bubble up and be recognized, too.

Blessed be!