Trapped
As promised, over the next few weeks I’ll be exploring my commitment-phobe issues. Last week I listed the top four issues which contribute to my Miss Unavailable status.
They were:
• If I’m not perfect I am not lovable.
• The desire to be in a relationship is a sign of weakness.
• If I don’t accomplish everything on my own before getting permanently involved with a man, the accomplishments are not valid.
• It’s easier to be single than take a chance on love and get hurt.
However, this morning, recent events triggered the realisation that I had omitted an issue. So this week, rather than expounding on my fear that if I am not perfect, I am not lovable, I will explore the new issue.
Over the last couple of months, my job, at which I had been perfectly happy since last December, has turned into an absolute misery and torture. It’s been bothering me for weeks and weeks but I’ve only just grasped the extent to which it’s been contributing to my icky feelings. After spending yet another night of restless sleep, this morning I had an epiphany. I’ve been feeling trapped. Trapped. Suffocated. Claustrophobic. That’s it! And the feeling of being trapped has burdened me with feelings of fear and dread that I will have to stick this out and suffer for as long as I’m able.
That’s when I realised that the Miss Unavailable inside of me is claustrophobic! She’s terrified of becoming trapped in a relationship. And she is especially fearful because she’s been trapped in bad relationships before. It literally took me years of on-again/off-again with Vito and Mr. 3.5 Inches to finally be able to permanently rid myself of these relationships. After years of introspection and therapy, I still have not uncovered the root cause of my inability to let go. And the thought of not being able to let go of another nightmare relationship scares the living hell out of me!
Instinctively, I’ve been avoiding relationships and encounters with available men because I’m afraid of becoming trapped. This issue is part of my personality. I’m that way with every aspect of life. I’m deathly afraid of becoming trapped in anywhere and in any kind of situation. I blame this issue on the fact that my childhood was too stable which has led to a lifelong restlessness and wanderlust.
Of course the whole notion is silly. After realising why I’ve been feeling panicky and depressed, I realised that I’m not trapped in any job. This freed my mind (Yes, sometimes I’m a prisoner of my own mind!) from panic and worry, and also allowed me to realise that I can find another job if that’s what it’s going to take.
So, I must realise that I do not have to be trapped in a relationship. Not all relationships are bad. And if I open myself of to the possibility of good relationships, I will be able to attract available men and actually experience a normal and enjoyable relationship and I can stop hyperventilating at the mere ideal of…commitment.
New York Moment’s column is every Tuesday and you can also check out her blog.
Brad K. October 27th, 2006, 2:34 am
NYM, Fear is a tremendous burden. I am sorry you are carrying so much around with you.
I think that ‘fear of commitment’ faces us in the wrong direction. Instead of asking ‘Here is commitment, a relationship, should we be afraid?’, we should instead focus on the positive aspects. If you find relief in ‘I can leave if I have to’, you are already on your way out, and that is not the way to move in, claim your territory, and make it the home you need.
Of course, the rule I advocate is to rule out any dates or potential partners unless they measure up — as co-parents. If you can’t imagine the guy raising a kid, yours, his, adopted, whoever’s, then he must be weak. His aptitude and skill at being disciplined, kind, nurturing, and gentle with children and animals should apply to you. If he can’t make it as a parent, then he just comes up short.
I don’t claim the only reason to get together is to have kids. But if kids do come around, you want a guy ready for the situation, that you trust and look to for help and cooperation. The ‘hottest’ guy, the ‘best lover’ has invested his life in looking good, or performing in bed. That is a very teeny slice of skills needed to make a worthy life for himself and a family — even if it is only the two of you.
Much as it pains me to quote scripture, I think the virtues of a husband or wife, as held by the Amish, Mennonites, and Hutterites seem to be pretty universally valid. Honesty, integrity, respect, good with children and animals. And the emotional and spiritual stability of shared beliefs are more likely to hold a couple together, than a couple without beliefs, or beliefs held more strongly by one than the other.
I also understand that a daily journal can be a big help, in clearing your thoughts and understanding, and in tracking changes and planning (forecasting?) goals. Whether a journal, meditation, or just a few minutes devoted each day to quite introspection, you can allow all the ‘noise’ and busy thoughts to quiet down, to let the hidden thoughts bubble up and be recognized, too.
Blessed be!
just-me-jen October 28th, 2006, 1:07 pm
Good post, NYM, and good advice from Brad! Think I’ll borrow it! I also have the “relationships are much easier to get INto than OUT of” fear, and I think the journal idea will help with that and any situation. Thanks to both of you!
Randomly Sane November 1st, 2006, 4:49 am
Wow NYM - excellent post. Especially blaming your childhood on being too stable…! I just took a personality test last week that said the same thing…they said it was soooo incredibly healthy that I have a serious need for independence and freedom….it’s totally amazing how much our childhoods shape our future…I would of never fathomed that a stable upbringing would result like this….
But, now that we are adults it’s up to us change…it’s hard, but I totally understand where you’re coming from…
WhyAmIHere? November 6th, 2006, 5:20 pm
NYM - all i can say is that after reading your post…it’s like a mirror image of my own life and issues. my first relationship in college was also on again/off again with an abusive and dishonest guy that took me 5 years to finally let go of. i am 31 and have never truly been able to recover. i haven’t had a healthy relathionship and i chase the ‘unavailable’ men. however once they become available, i run. i can’t put my finger on why i do the things i do but i know i’m not happy and many times i feel lost. i’m very successful in my professional life and live a very uneventful life, spending most of my time working and none of that time enjoying my life which i know is passing me by. currently i’ve been involved with a married man for over a year that i am painfully ‘faithful’ to and probably obsessed about but i know he will never be with me and i wonder if he’d be so attractive to me if he were. i just know that i feel a lot of pain over being third or fourth on his list of priorities. having to be available to him and made to feel terrible when i’m not, but he is never there for me when i need him. i just don’t know how to find the strength to walk away from this…
New York Moments November 6th, 2006, 5:33 pm
I don’t know if this will help you to cut yourself loose from the married guy, but try to think of it this way:
You DESERVE to be in a relationship with someone who is willing and able to put you first. You don’t deserve to be in a situation that is inherently going to make you feel bad. Subconsciously you know this. Just repeat over & over to yourself that YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Damon December 3rd, 2006, 11:37 am
Dear “WhyamIhere”. I used to be married. A single woman pursued me. I resisted. I fell in love with her. Then she told me that nothing would happen unless I left my wife and family. As soon as I did that, she ran…. I can just here the PC chorus of “that was your choice, your responsibility” etc. But, believe me “whyamIhere”, you are causing absolute devastation by your actions. If you chase someone and then you flee when they make themselves available for you, then you are….(fill in the blank good people…not with a pretty word).