Understanding the Language of Men

December 19, 2005 by Special Dark

I am in a unique position of being a man who can communicate like a woman. When I was younger this was a curse, to be sure, but now that I’m older I find myself in high demand. So, of course, I started asking myself “why?”. Seeking the answer to that question allowed me to stumble onto a discovery that I have tried to use for good (even when my hormones try to sway me to do otherwise). Women create and define their world though relating to others while men will, typically, generate their concept of the world from within.

I know what you’re thinking right now. “Special Dark, you’re just using a lot of pop psychology terms to explain away a very complicated subject. Can you back-up your convoluted theories?”

Indeed I can.

Men sometimes get frustrated because, almost inevitably at some point in their relationship, their significant other will say something to the effect of “Why don’t we talk like we used to anymore?” Men have, historically, not been the best at responding to this question because they have no idea what you really mean. They hear, “Why don’t you say more strings of words at me from time to time?” even though you are actually saying, “Why have we stopped relating to one other in an effort to create a deeper intimacy?”

What you have to understand is that just because men aren’t talking doesn’t mean they don’t have something to say. Most just say it when they feel it’s worth saying. There is an internal value assessment in a man’s head as to whether or not a thought is worth projecting out into the world. Why? Simply put it’s because men value the esteem people hold them in and their credibility with others so they don’t want to speak just for the sake of being heard for fear of ruining their position and status in the external world. Another contributing factor that lead to muted males is that past romantic relationships have trained them to not say everything they really think for fear of initiating an argument they don’t know how they started, let alone know how to resolve.

Most women are different. All things being equal, would you ever consider not telling a friend of yours that your fiancée just proposed? Absolutely not. Why? Because talking to your friend makes the experience more authentic and anchors the event in the mind of someone else which makes it that much more real to you too. Sharing your thoughts, with other women, allows you to constantly do an introspective reflection of who you are through their eyes. In effect, thoughts are shared and grounded by a community of minds rather than just a single individual. In a nutshell all your friends, your mother, your aunt, etc. are all extensions of your fundamental nature that help make you the independent individual you are. That is much more unique to womankind then to mankind. Psychologically, men have a very clearly defined line between who they are and everyone else. This kind of amorphous self-definition doesn’t exist nearly as strongly for them.

In contrast to my previous example, my best guy friend told me he was engaged a month and a half after the fact almost as a side note to a different conversation we were having. For both of us this was no big deal. I wasn’t offended that he had “withheld” information that I “should” be entitled to and I shared in the joy of the moment without selfishly feeling left out of his life. As a matter of fact we often go months without talking then pick up right where we left off as if no time has passed. I do know women who have best friends where this happens as well, but they are few and far between.

Male communication becomes sticky when you start looking at non-verbal communication. I have seen women wield this as only masters can. What you don’t say can be just as important (if not more) than what you do. A lot of men don’t understand this but they are not always to blame.

When men socialize with other men they do so in a way that tries to be as upfront as possible because misunderstandings erode credibility. On the flip side, since women are more about forming relationships, they expect the people in their lives to intuit the unsaid things that reflect their core personality. When a man doesn’t notice (I have to admit that I’m guilty of this one) that you’ve done something new to your hair, he doesn’t think that’s the same as not recognizing your beauty and your desire to always self-improve. He doesn’t notice the hair change because, to him, cutting a half an inch is too minuscule a detail to register in his consciousness as important–whereas if none of your women friends noticed it would be an outrage.

While some of the communication issues men and women have are in-group/out-group issues, fundamentally, I believe the two genders just synthesize the external world differently. Never forget that communication requires you to interpret the world around you and project it as an image, or set of symbols, to another sentient being. My advice is to be careful not to degrade other people’s way of doing this just because it’s not your own. If you attempt to relate to their preferred method of communicating you may just learn something about them and yourself.

Special Dark is a special blend of intelligence, wit, and an irreverant sense of humor that has strong views on women and relationships. Originally descended from the Alpha Male class of the society, he has suited up on debonair charm and retained his gentlemanly ways to the consternation of the rest of his species.