Mel

Once you forgive yourself, you’ll see it gets easier to discover who you are and what makes you “tick”. Maybe I’m not out of the woods yet but for all that it’s worth, I can see daylight. Just like NML says above….”you’ve made a lucky escape”. I wish you the very best – Hugs

@ Movingon
im still going strong but i didnt have to send one email early Jan as his behaviour at work was getting ridiculous. Since then he has left me alone

Funny, I was thinking about you the other day as well! Hope you are still staying strong

Yes, I agree, his ignoring the point of my email of not wanting to be friends anymore and still wanting to talk to me was disrespectful. I made sure to keep the conversation short. As I mentioned to @Used, in the future when douchebag is in town, I will be sure to work from home, decline happy hour invitations, and should I have the misfortune of running into him again at work, keep conversations short and only on a professional level.

Nope-he’s not married, BUT he has a lot of baggage (divorced, has a son with his ex-girlfriend, and some other major issues).

I agree with you-Had I not worked with him, things would definitely have been different. I know I still would have been hurt by the way he treated me, but I wouldn’t have had to see him everyday and therefore I would have healed a lot faster.

Now, each time I see him when he comes into town, I have to put on this professional front that kills me because I hate being fake. On the outside, I look as though nothing has phased me, but deep down inside, I have all these spiteful things I would love to say to him. I know I am better than that, which is why I will continue to distance myself from him-no joining coworker happy hours or other outside work activities when he is around.

Another problem is that my current job is not so satisfying and it’s also a source of frustrations but I’m trying to improve this aspect by cultivating my own strong points. Maybe one day I’ll be able to have more fun at work.
A good fact about myself is that I enjoy jogging and gym practising and these activities are a type of anger release. This is how I feel.

I don’t have many friends and this is also an issue. Longing to have fun, but not actually having friends. Trying to have fun on my own, but it’s so difficult. I think here is the key.

I’m aware that huge parts of my life were based on a false truth (false misconceptions, they say) and on false values.

I don’t know who I am, how I am. Trying to discover, trying to forget all the ugly times. The anger is here and I would like to break a mirror, sometimes. I was so naive and let myself so deeply hurt. How was that possible?

I think it’s funny how they don’t want to look and feel like the bad guy when you run into them again after it’s all over. To me, that is the essence of their assclown-hood. I swear, that is how I look at these guys now: I see them as clowns! I mean it! I look at them and see clowns! I even laugh to myself about it.

Thank you, Natalie!

Amen to that. I tend to call people on it and create consequences – but often the consequences are not severe enough. Really, for a repeat offence, the only consequence is to cut the person out.

Thanks for putting the info on here that has taken me many years of experience (and reading) to even begin to understand.

You are helping to STOP the MADNESS for others like us.

Thanks so much!
Jennifer

Natalie this is great, thank you
You rock!
Since I’m at the anger/acceptance stage this really helps.

Thank you for this blog. It seems to always be dead on. (Please don’t stop what you’re doing!)

“When they come back and say “sorry”, it’s only bcuz they’re lonely or need an ego stroke….or they want to make contact to prove to themselves they “aren’t a bad guy”. They aren’t sorry.”

….You are SO right. You couldn’t have said it any better. His contact with me at work was a facade. He didn’t want to look like the a**hole he is. He will never be sorry.

“Feeling that you give too much – something I refer to as overgiving”

Natalie-You hit on two main points that I found myself associated with in my relationship with my ex-EUM.

Throughout our relationship when things went wrong (going cold), I thought that getting mad and no contact when I would see him at work would make him come back to me or that he would realize that he was making a mistake. I was living in a fantasy world where I thought he would apologize for leading me on and treating me poorly. Boy, was I wrong. It just made me look more stupid because I fell into his trap twice.

I was also a “victim” of overgiving. He initially pursued me at the beginning of the relationship. Then over time, I caught myself calling and texting him to do things (movies, cooking dinner at my house, etc)and when this started to happen, he seemed to lose interest in me. He would say he was busy or that he wasn’t available. Of the few handful of times he asked me to do things, he definitely was throwing crumbs and I unfortunately threw three loaves back.

I have to say that I’ve been doing well with NC since 1/22 because he works remotely. However, he came back to the office last week for some meetings and my close coworker friends had warned me that he would be in for one day and for happy hour after work, so I ended up working from home to dodge the bullet. Unfortunately the next day before he left for the airport, he stopped in the office and had the gall to walk to my cube and start talking to me. He acted as if nothing had ever happened between us. Apparently, the email I sent him before he went away didn’t resonate with him when I told him that I no longer wanted to be friends with him. I will not count this encounter against me in my quest for permanent NC since he came and talked to me

Natalie-thank you for continuing to be my therapy. You have truly been my saving grace. I can feel myself getting stronger each day.