Comments on: Understanding your core values in relationships (no they’re not your common interests)

By: Used

Used — Tue, 04 May 2010 21:53:01 +0000

Olivia–
My friend likely is an EUW/narcissist. This is why she gets along with the ex-EUM and no one else from her past.

What she does wrong you can not put a finger on (you never know whether she solely, if at all, is to blame), you can not directly accuse her of, OR is passive-aggressive. (See above.) Another friend criticized her to another mutual friend (maybe my ex-EUM’s wife!); she found out; and has not spoken to the woman since. She was wrong for what she did; the frind was wrong for not confronting her directly. But her behavior was such that the friend could not tell her why she was wrong without sounding like she was putting herself down.

I can’t imagine that she DOESN’T know when she is being a jerk. Gimme a break! But, when someone calls her on something, and does it directly, like I did, why am I
“wrong” in her eyes? ESPECIALLY given all of the above! She is willing to make me look like a STALKER to an ex when I was dating the ex-EUM and even now, when I am MARRIED.

By: Olivia

Olivia — Tue, 04 May 2010 20:18:22 +0000

Dear Used – exactly that! Even if you do follow through with a break up (which is usually twisted so it’s his idea anyway – right on that aswell!) and you forgive him evantually it is sending a msge of doormat – do what you want to me I’ll forgive you! I have struggled with this cycle of behaviour for years and he has got worse and worse, continually pushing boundaries.
I know all about passive aggression, am sorry you have experienced that too! However a normal empathetic person does not need to be repeatedly told that their behaviour is unacceptable! They can manage it themselves. The fact that your friend was surprised when you told them where to go I guess means that they were quite damaged in their mind to think they had done nothing wrong??

By: Kathy

Kathy — Tue, 04 May 2010 18:34:21 +0000

This is such a thought-provoking topic. It occurred to me today that if my guy does stuff that I am not doing/have never done/can’t imagine myself doing in a similar situation, then that would indicate our values are in conflict. Duh!

By: Used

Used — Tue, 04 May 2010 12:44:09 +0000

Olivia–
So the breaking up cycles you went through were basically like “time-outs”? In other words, you fought, telling him where he went/did wrong, then didn’t see each other for a while (probably b/c HE decided that, as a means of “punishment”). So he never got the sense that you’d be gone for good, that you’d leave, b/c yu never told him that after a fight. Right?

I guess that, when you say, “Fix x, y, z and shape up–or I’m gone!” and you actually do go, they take you more seriously. BUT when this happens in a serial manner, the above will still apply, b/c they won’t take you seriously anyways! (It’s like, “Hey, haven’t you learned? I WON’T CHANGE! Take me as I am.)

With my friend, I never told her how I felt b/c it was too hard, as her “way” was to be passive aggressive and/or pull stuff where I couldn’t say anything! So she was shocked with what I did.

By: Olivia

Olivia — Tue, 04 May 2010 07:41:48 +0000

Dear Used,

I agree that there is little difference between an on/off relationship and a break up with consequences as long as you do finally implement those consequences! I was really gathering from my own experience with a Narcissisist in which I never did follow through and leave when I should have. This just acted like a turbo boost for his cruelty and he would continue unafraid of consequence as time after time I had not implemented any!

By: Res Judicata

Res Judicata — Tue, 04 May 2010 02:29:41 +0000

The more I read this post, the more I see the narcissistic qualities manifested by my most recent XBF. Too little…too late.
EXAMPLE:

When a guy tells you:
“I’m done making (ex-wife) happy.
I’m done making (ex-girlfriend) happy.
Now I am going to make me happy.”

And you ask him, as he is kissing you passionately,
“Does this make you happy?”

To which he responds,
“Yes”.

Run for the hills! It’s all about him. If he meets someone else that fits his needs for that moment (new housing arrangement in new state, for example), you will be history.

Geez, it’s great to be a Monday morning quarterback!
.-= Res Judicata´s last blog ..Understanding your ‘core values’ in relationships (no they’re not your ‘common interests’) =-.

By: Used

Used — Tue, 04 May 2010 02:18:56 +0000

NML–
Thank you. I can see what you are saying…but:

O.K.: let’s add to the above facts the facts that my friend wanted to go to lunch at a place VERY close to where my ex-EUM (whose wife is close friends with my friend) works. I can’t tell her, “No, I won’t go there, b/c he works close by” b/c, first, i am married, and I don’t want to acknowledge his existence, much less make him important in any way, second, it would look like I am accusing her of being conniving/sly/bitchy (and she is the same person who took me to his hangout on a night when we were supposed to have gone out, way back, when I dated the EUM/AC). Just like she wanted to see me squirm back then, she may have wanted to see me squirm now; you see? Maybe even tell the wife, “Look at that! She is stalking your husband!” Maybe decrease my status/esteem as to him.

The way she tried to meet me 1/2 way was to propose a location that was better for me. But the location she initially proposed was bad for her and me (it was far from where we both usually work downtown).

Change your opinion?

By: NML

NML — Mon, 03 May 2010 23:34:53 +0000

The flipside to valuing passion is your idea of passion may be someone else’s idea of a nightmare on drama street. It’s subjective and it’s not realistic to expect passion to be in your relationship 24:7, otherwise it goes from being prime steak feeling to boring old mince. I have passion in my relationship but it’s not what I looked for and it’s not a primary value because when it was, I was involved with dubious people who gave insubstantial relationships and a lot of pain. If passion rates very high for you and you are not aware of why it does, or what you derive your passion from, you’ll likely end up in appearance driven, substance lacking, sexually charged relationships that won’t last.

By: NML

NML — Mon, 03 May 2010 23:30:56 +0000

Thank you! Love that word ‘douchebag’.

By: NML

NML — Mon, 03 May 2010 23:30:29 +0000

You’re right Nikki and one of the things I mention in the values ebook is that the stuff we initially pin our hat on about them is what we *think* we value. The thing is, while some stuff you will discuss, a lot of values is actually shown by actions not through talk. It’s all about paying attention to red flags, how the relationship starts, whether it’s in fits and starts etc, is it casual etc. It’s one thing if you genuinely have no red flags to speak of and then things change suddenly but there are signs of values from the outset. They don’t wear a sign – it’s the alertness about red flags and boundaries. Most people actually show who they are early on in the relationship – you just need to be watching and listening. And while some people are very good fakers, the majority of people are not, and you quickly get a sense of whether they are casual or looking for something serious, because they show signs of the secondary values and not just the primary ones and will seek their values out in you too.

By: NML

NML — Mon, 03 May 2010 23:23:19 +0000

You are welcome and glad you have avoided putting yourself in the front line of pain! Congrats x

By: NML

NML — Mon, 03 May 2010 23:22:28 +0000

Kat & I’m Done – It’s important to be conscious in your relationships and not just coast along and be swept into things – one day you wake up and wonder where the hell you are. Your core values need to be there in your actions as you both discovered. The great thing is that you can open yourself up to new opportunities.

By: NML

NML — Mon, 03 May 2010 23:19:47 +0000

@Anusha I really don’t think you and your guy share common values and even if you do, you don’t want the same relationship so it’s pointless. That ‘vision’ of things represents what you value and if you really did share similar values and both wanted to be in the same relationship, the visions would marry up. That said, you are imposing your vision of things which is largely illusionary driven but also controlling. The fact that you need to impose your vision suggests that you’re not accepting the reality. There’s no point in comparing to other couples – you’re not them.

By: NML

NML — Mon, 03 May 2010 23:16:30 +0000

Excellent comment mE “it was like we were a wonderful looking jigsaw and there were a few pieces missing that without them, the puzzle could never be completed no matter what i tried to stuff in the empty spaces. i did not realize how important my values were until i was with someone who embodied everything i told myself for years i wanted, and he didn’t share ANY of those things with me. ” It just goes to show how we don’t realise we’re looking at and for the wrong things. You then start justifying why you’re there and turning crumbs into loaves.

By: JJ

JJ — Mon, 03 May 2010 23:16:29 +0000

NML

I have a question which will probably fall under the NCR… I am 30 days plus NC today and have no intentions of letting my EUM narcissist back in to my life. That means all avenues. Should the NCR rule apply to facebook and twitter as well? like should you leave these pages blocked so that they have no access into it. I feel like i need to keep them both private because lately I have been getting loads of friend requests on twitter that in actuality could be him trying to gain access to see what I’m up to. Should I be keeping these pages private and does doing so apply to to NCR?