I think that another pertinent point about sex is that you always run the risk (however small) of very far-reaching consequences, as I found to my cost. I fell pregnant by the last EUM that I was seeing, despite taking proper contraceptive precautions. Okay, it’s been my decision to keep the baby – and although it wasn’t what I wanted I’ve come to terms with it and am relatively happy about it – but whatever decision I made it would’ve been something that I had to live with for the rest of my life.

I’m now living in a strange hinterland of trying to renegotiate proper boundaries with the father (difficult, at this stage!), make the moral decisions about his rights to play a role in the life of his child, cope with the financial implications of having a child and adjusting to the impact that it is already having on my life (and let’s face it, I ain’t seen nothing yet). It was complicated enough before, but this is a whole new level.

When I look at the way that things have turned out and tried to work out how my life has taken this turn, one of the most dangerous half-truths that I was taught about sex (by my peers and the media) is that it’s a consequence-free morale-boost. I fell pregnant the first time I had sex with the EUM after a self-imposed ban of several months following a particularly nasty bit of ass-clownery on his part. I had been recently-bereaved, feeling rubbish and thought “What’s the harm?” – after all, I thought that I was sensible enough to avoid this eventuality and I was the last person that I could imagine in this position.

My point is, I guess, that no-one is 100% safe from having their life turned on its head by ‘a harmless shag’ – apart from pregnancy and the emotional aspect there are STDs and life-threatening illnesses in the mix. When and why did we start accepting that sex was a implication-free hobby?

I don’t think it is even “taking it slow” and “get to know him” that avoids the worst mistakes. Most people aren’t taught/shown at home, as children, what it means to get to know someone. It takes time to evaluate whether someone is genuine, or someone pretending for their own purposes. You have to see someone in a lot of circumstances to be assured their emotional and life discipline are what they should be, in a responsible and dependable mate. Yes, there are red flags for the inept pretenders, those out of control or ignorant as well as superficial.

The mistakes that cause the most pain are the ones that come closest to being suitable. We aren’t taught – men or women – what is important, how to tell the genuine gold from the shiny brass – or the tin. We seldom even think of the qualities in someone will depend upon, for years to come, to co-parent and help raise our children, to work with us to pay bills, work for improvement in the community, be there to support our families when the need us.

Taking things slow and taking time are wonderful, for giving a chance for red flags to pop up if they are there. But please, please spend that time looking at honesty, honor, discipline, parenting and mate skills, communication skills and understanding of nurturing and growth. Some skills can be learned (changing diapers comes to mind) – if the person is willing and able. Not everyone is able to be a reasonable and secure mate. History teaches us that a good match needn’t depend up great sexual excitement; care, discipline (will to complete a task), honor, respect, and trust are needful much more often.

If it is any consolation, most times the sex gets more comfortable, more useful with practice. Excitement is a measure of danger and risk – people that make a recreation of sex, like many forms of exciting (risky) ventures, seldom lead long and comfortable lives. (And, yes, if you find someone that considers sex a recreation – they will never be a life-partner, only a bed hopper. Sorry.)

this is really interesting, as I am pretty sure that oxytocin functions as a PAINKILLER, ( too lazy to google it)… but…. the thinking would then go…sex with an EUM is a drug that masks the underlying chronic emotional pain of an emotionally empty relationship.

After the sex drug wears off you have the double whammy of being depleted from drug use and the emotional pain still present from the unhealthy relationship. Great metaphor.

If you have a history of being with fairly decent men, one of these guys can really spin your head around.

The good news is WOW!!
You’re in a new city with a FAB new job!!

When I finally lost my EUM my brother said to me
“Remember, you are the STAR of YOUR life,
not the co-star of his.”

Kathy, you are the star of your life.
The act that this loser got a bit part in is over.
Be the Leading Lady you were born to be.

xo

I did the same thing, engaging in sexual activity only on the “promise” that he would love me forever. He’d say things like I’ve never met anyone quite like you, you’re so special to me and my ego would shoot through the roof. I had such low self-esteem that I believed him and of course I’d have sex with him…which is what he wanted anyway. That’s why I said in a former comment that these AC and EUMs are predators, b/c they pick their victims and play on our weaknesses to get what they want and when they’re done with you they’re gone, leaving you to have to clean up the mess you’ve allowed them tomake of your life. I’m soooo through with that, so through.

Thanks for the kind words and the hugs:) It was a long difficult journey, but worth it. I’m a better person who truly values herself now and ironically enough having gone through that diaster pushed me into a much better place….and that journey continues.

again, NML straight to the point and so true, i have just turned 30 and i am glad my comatosed 20′s are gone.

I know this sounds strange but I haven’t slept with a man in 15 years. I refuse to be used again and want it to be with someone I love / and he loves me. Sometimes I feel he’s not out there. My first experience with an AC (4 years ago) went so far to say “I can tell you’re going to be a lot of work” simply because he took me to a movie and I wouldn’t handle him “down there” during the movie. It took me 4 years to finally understand what the hell the guy was truly up to. He would always stay in contact with me (knowing I wouldn’t sleep with him) so I always walked away baffled and condemned. It never occurred to me that the man was not interested in me for anything other then sex. I’m not sure what I was thinking, except that he came on soooo strong in the beginning and it felt good to be pursued….I just wanted that feeling back. I never noticed that I stopped feeling good the first week I met him and in fact, started to feel despair. I felt like a complete loser most of the time and couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t just leave me alone if he didn’t want a relationship with me. It didn’t dawn on me that I could just walk away and tell him to bugg off!!