Comments on: We had a great date – Why didn’t they call me back?

By: kate

kate — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 14:22:48 +0000

i just love it! thank you for keeping me sane and it all actually in perspective. This blog is my new favourite thing, being back on the dating scene again. Is like a very welcome slap around the face (in a no painful, and actually funny way).

By: NML

NML — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 09:21:29 +0000

Sorry for the slow reply. Thank you for clarifying what you meant. I can assure you I’m not impatient about peoples progress with getting the message. I do get asked regularly how I can still write about these subjects, correspond and talk to readers – there’s still a lot to say and plenty of people that need help. New people find this blog all the time so I’ve just got to say what I’ve got to say and hope it helps I think this is one of those situ’s where words and tone get misinterpreted but let’s say bygones and move on. Have a good Christmas and new year x

By: maria

maria — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 22:41:20 +0000

To Everyone!!

Oh My Gosh!!
I just logged back on since my last comment, and i really need to clarify!
1. NML, I totally apologize to you! I am sorry that you perceived me as “offensive” or “not ready” or “passive-aggressive.” I ABSOLUTELY did not mean to offend you!! I LOVE this site, there is nothing else like it, PRECISELY BECAUSE it IS SO “BRACING!” It has changed me, and I am grateful for that. But I think that sometimes, as you said, someone who is “not ready,” or in a “fragile” state, could get knocked right out by the harsh (and it is harsh) truth!

2. I have absolutely NO “distaste” for your healthy relationship!!! I AM HAPPY FOR YOU!! I believe that your healthy bond with your man and your babies make you even STRONGER! I just know that for myself, I sometimes get impatient when I have passed through a bad experience in my life, and I see the people behind me still struggling with lessons I’ve already learned. I sometimes want to come down hard on them, to WAKE THEM UP! But you are right, if they are not ready, they won’t hear it and they may be very hurt!

3. I think that you are performing a very valuable service! I was sincere when I wished you “Happy Holidays!” I simply find your tone a bit cold at times and I was trying to express it. I am sorry if you took offense! Keep up the good work!

4. I SINCERELY, not sarcastically, wish everyone on this site a HAPPY AND CHEERFUL HOLIDAY!

I apologize for any misunderstanding.:)
Respectfully,
Maria

By: de-lightedtobefree

de-lightedtobefree — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 18:03:51 +0000

Hi NML,

Great stuff!!..read everyone’s messages and took them all to heart, loudly

Found this for you and all..loads of fun stuff there but thought this would give us a wee laugh!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJOltoFETIk&feature=related

By: NML

NML — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 09:18:59 +0000

@Lauri I know from personal experience and those of others that it’s the feeling of thinking that you are alone and that it’s just you that can feed into the cycle and keep you around. Relief in knowing others are experiencing what you are adds objectivity because you can start to digest the fact that you haven’t ‘made’ someone do this.
@carrie Always remember that Fallback Girls have their own emotional unavailability to deal with and if you are the one that holds the powerbase in the relationship – ie – it’s on your terms, you are taking up the Mr Unavailable role in the ‘relationship’.
@jenny Hello! Great to see you here (hugs). It is very dangerous to internalise other people’s behaviour. Whilst we can be accountable for our own actions, for a better relationship, your self love needs to remain intact irrespective of what is happening around you. If we internalise every event and the behaviour of our partners, you lose perspective because in assuming the blame for their behaviour and assuming there is something wrong with you, you’ll try to fix things that cannot be fixed or are not down to you to be fixed and then attempt to validate yourself based on how successful you are at it. People are often not interested because their own internal dialogue doesn’t suit the situ. You could be the best person on earth but if someone doesn’t want to be a decent person in a decent relationship, they’ll find reasons to eff it up.
@MaryC I couldn’t help but laugh at your comment! Yes rationalising our dalliances with these men is our way of sugarcoating things. After a while though, having candy floss in our heads though becomes a sickly experience
@Penny This is all about the image that they want to project. They fear losing face professionally and losing out financially. The public persona and the private persona are hugely disparate – this is partly why many women are confused about ending things because the guy appears to be respected by so many people.
@Wendy Congrats on you taking the bar. Remember to stay focused on you and continue to enrich your own life. I don’t doubt that you will meet someone worthy of your time, attention, and love, but I suspect, like many, you will have to weed through the chaff to get to him. Don’t lose heart – instead be thankful that you recognise these situations a lot quicker than you used to.
@lisa I’m so pleased that you have found my site to be a source of support. I write what I do because I wish I’d knon what I know now or that I’d had people around me who would speak honestly and with care rather than project their insecurities onto me and tell me that I should stay..with assclowns. I’m glad you are awake now – you can have a much more conscious experience and surround yourself with people that add to you, not devalue.
@Dancefire You make an interesting point but I started this site about 18 months before I met my partner and have been blogging about relationships even about a year before that via my personal blog so I’ve shared my thoughts from all angles of my life. All I’ve done is share my discoveries and thoughts en route. I don’t feel I need to still be in crap relationships or single to write – but it’s just my perspective and as Maria discovered, she doesn’t like my perspective or feels it’s cold. That’s OK. I don’t feel ‘attacked’ – but as I have already said, I don’t appreciate the sarcasm and suicide comments. I think your last line is very apt – I’d rather focus on real possibilities that have some foothold in the reality of mine and the other persons behaviour.
@Loving Annie It’s been an incredible journey with you and I appreciate you taking the time to share your heartfelt words. It has been wonderful to experience the change with you and you yourself have some brilliant insight into relationships helped by you finding a new found perspective. You’re very much about reality now and that makes a huge difference. You should be very proud of what you have achieved and I know you’ll continue to go from strength to strength. Big hugs x
Waking Up – Thank you! The truth *is* healing. It can be painful initially but on the other side of it is peace and it is great that you have been able to use what I have shared to empower yourself. I *love* that term ‘fierce grace’ – thank you for sharing and giving me a big smile.
@Paul – V interesting video. I understand the reasoning but I don’t think it’s the reason and I do believe it is perpetuating this idea that there are a gazillion wonderful men just aiting to love a woman and be committed that are being thwarted by us being bossy. Whilst in some cases, this can be true, this is not the case for men who by and large had zero intentions of being committed to that person or treating them with love, respect, care and trust *anyway*. If we continue to believe that it’s all about us why these men don’t want to be in a relationship, it perpetuates this idea that women have to run out and ‘fix’ themselves whilst men don’t have to do anything. Man, I’ll have to write about this!
Kathy G – Sing it! We must take back our power! We own this and we should not allow ourselves to be defined by some guy! Men get away with a lot of this stuff because there is no impetus to change because where one woman won’t put up with it, others will. Take back your power ladies because you do have it!
@Michelle The point you make about passive aggression is very interesting and is a key part of the dynamic in dysfunctional relationships where you subtly learn that there will be a negative consequence if you challenge or act in your own interests. I couldn’t help but laugh at the ‘lapdog’ reference – you are above that and don’t let anyone have you place yourself in a position where they get to look down on you.
de-lightedtobefree PMSL! For some reason I had a vision of myself talking like the guy from the A-Team! The fact that a guy needs to set an alarm to remember to call speaks volumes. He just doesn’t care – it’s out of sight, out of mind. A very disconnected individual!
@Nele You’ve been caught up in the classic situation there and it’s great that you see him and his flaky behaviour for what they are – unattractive. You’re right that investigating why people who don’t want you don’t want you is a futile exercise, especially when it’s been a brief spell of dating. There’s room for healthy introspection but to internalise every dalliance and analyse it gives too much weight to a lot of these brief experiences. You’re instead taking the experience, learning from it, and knowing that at the end of the day, he’s a fickle, flaky, feckless man who is reactive and thinks later when he suddenly realises that he’ll have to make good on the crap that he’s been talking and the wild goosechase he’s been leading you on!
@Zuleka Zuleka I wouldn’t want to cross you! But thank you for your straight talking! I think that this post has ended up showing how many of you are in different places in the healing and realisation cycle and that when you’re not ready or willing, you won’t want to hear the reality. I know which book you’re talking about – LOL!
@LuckySweet – see my comment below yours There are plenty of good men out there and I certainly have not said that there aren’t. What I have said though is that are a lot of men out there who when given an inch of an opportunity to take the p*ss in a relationship and cross boundaries, they’ll take a mile. We can continue to try to impose change upon men who aren’t interested in a relationship, or we can adapt our own behaviours and love habits so that we find men with more substance and consistency attractive instead of people who resonate with negative patterns. Loving yourself is separate to the man – you should love yourself in or out of a relationship. Their lack of love doesn’t need to reflect into you, but if you do love yourself, you’ll find a man who doesn’t act with respect, love, trust or care unattractive. I’ve always said you can be with who you want to be, but it’s a choice and if you choose to be with an assclown and keep trying to do the same thing, you can’t go wondering why you keep getting the same result. You’ve either got to accept the man and work with what you have, or accept the man and realise that it’s not for you because someone who doesn’t want to change will not change.
@Wandering Ivy You are absolutely right – I definitely can’t please everyone as a blogger, or even as a person and that part of my life where I get all out of whack over my inability to please everyone is over.I love that word ‘bracing’ – I guess I’m a bit like a very loud wake up call! Judging by the comments and the emails, there are a lot of people hungry for the truth. It can hurt, but it’s freeing because at least you can grab your power and *do something. Thank you x
@am “I SO needed someone to put a mirror up to my own behaviors and mistakes” – the great thing is that with this type of mirror, you can adapt and change what you don’t like
@Halfhappysoul I have a pre-Christmas announcement…as long as my laptop cable finally arrives today then there is new reading just in time for the festive season where some of us weaken
@catchserendipity Thank you! You know understanding goes a long way with us because whilst some of us can recognise poor behaviour and take that as their signal, many of us need to understand why or get their head around the dynamics so that they can not only avoid it again but also be accountable for their own part.
@KLM Thank you! Don’t punish yourself and judging by the experiences of many others, you aren’t alone and you’re human. We want to love and be loved and sometimes, or even often in some cases, we look for love in all the wrong places. The letting you miss him part about the EUM is a very important point because for a lot of these guys, that feeling of missing you is what creates the desire hence why they pursue you when you step back.
@hangingonbyathread I don’t blame you for feeling frustrated and dating is hard, especially the type of dating that many engage in now – the whole online dating, active pursuement, not doing the traditional style of dating, booty calls, speed dating. One thing that does stand out though, is why on earth would you accept a date with every man that asks? I would start at that point. A lot of men operate on the Chancing Their Arm Factor – they know they’re punching above their weight by asking you but do so anyway and if you accept, it sends a signal that something is wrong. Or they do something really outrageous and if you don’t reject the behaviour, they also take it as a signal. It’s a catch 22 – it is frustrating and then if you feel frusrated that adds to your problems. It’s a bit beyond the scope of the comments box to deal with all points but it certainly makes for another post. And people I know that meet guys are busy with their own lives and meet en route in social situations, via work, via friends etc but that’s just my two cents.
@Diane Thanks!
@Madeamistake Actually, the longer these guys stick with these habits, the more distanced from reality that they become. It takes something major to jolt them and some will not change. The ones that loiter around dating sites often don’t have good intentions although there of course exceptions to this. Your comment about the Assclown Jeopardy is possibly my favourite of all time and I couldn’t help but giggle at the thought of you in the airport! Thank you for sharing – I must actually highlight your comment in a post! Glad to be of help
@truthhurts – Thank you! I’m not going anywhere. I actually enjoy what I do and you have all continued to help me in my own personal growth so thank you!
@Michelle You are internalising their behaviour too much. There could be any reason why he wasn’t interested and it may not be on that list and it’s probably not about you. I think you already found a number of reasons that may point to him not being reliable but he also may be in a different place. Maybe he just wants to do a few dates and move on just like he wants to move each year. Unless he’s open to the idea of being in a relationship, you can be damn well near perfect and he’ll likely still do the same. It was just three dates. People normally go on more than one generally to get an idea of whether they want to continue. Some do three dates because it’s just what they do. Unless something majorly bad happens on the first, you’ll often find that people don’t make up their mind until a few dates in. But it is just a date. It’s not a relationship and unfortunately, people do compartmentalise how they want to break up with you if you’re in early dating stages – some won’t even email and just move on. I think that he didn’t attach the same amount of weight to the dates as you did. You now have to choose to let go of the experience and move on as he has already let go of it. If he was ambivalent and all the other things, I would chalk it up to someone who went on a date who doesn’t know what he wants and is dating for datings sake and will no doubt take what he can get.
@Freeatlast – Amen! There are plenty of good guys out there and there are plenty of dodgy ones. You need to be careful that you swim with the fish instead of the sharks. Stay NC – distance gives objectivity and freedom. Going back to him wouldn’t change the person that he is and you’d discover that all too quickly.

By: freeatlast

freeatlast — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 01:11:50 +0000

I love this site. It helped me so much. Even after going NC for a few months I still rely on this site to keep me sane and help me when I feel weak. I was looking through some of the old posts the other day and noticed the link to the self confessed dickhead! That really opened my eyes! It is important that we are aware that these people exist.

I know a lot of us are emotionally unavailable at times for whatever reason and it is good to realise when we are and to do something about it. The problem is when EUM’s play, hurt, cheat and don’t see anything wrong in it. This is what I consider an assclown to be.

This site points out the things we should watch out for and to change any bad love habits that we have picked up from our past. I find it to be very honest, warm and helpful. It certainly doesn’t have you believe that all men are bad, just watch out for the ones that treat you badly and walk away when you are being disrespected or they really aren’t interested.

I see now that I used to run with the illusion. He was what I considered to be good looking, intelligent, had a sob story that I fell for, he even came across as honest at first but I ignored the red flags and got far too emotionally invested. He was a player and still is. The longer I keep away from him and do the NC the better I feel.

Thank you and I look forward to your next post : )

By: Michelle

Michelle — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 15:41:29 +0000

What I particularly like about your site is that unlike other sites, you do not blame the woman. You do not intimate if you were just a little more this or that, you would change the outcome. You acknowledge there are two people in an interaction, and when it is not working out, you should only do a healthy amount of introspection.

I have just spent a week literally knocking myself to the floor bloody over someone I went on three dates with, who never called again. While I am very proud that I have not reached out, I am still very bruised. I made a list of all the potential offending things that I did (everything form my looks, to making him feel pressured, to being bad in bed (we did not sleep together, but there was rolling around)).

Now was this guy a commitment phobe, maybe, maybe not? I do know that he is 28, moved every year, and is inexperienced at dating. I am 10 years older, and in my heart I was always surprised he was calling me, so I guess on some level from the beginning I could feel that he was ambivalent. What I do not understand is why we went out three times, why not end it at one. Indeed, what I realized is that the conversation was never getting any deeper, and that is a bad sign. I was to be with someone who is opening up. One potential answer is that he really does enjoy my company, but not enough to go any deeper.

In this situation, I have thought it over and over and over, and while I can find some things I may or may not have done, the bottom line is I know I was as fun and feminine as I have ever been. And indeed I am very proud of how I handled myself, I smiled and was flirty and kept the conversation very light, which I have had issues with before.

Anyhow, I just wish I could stop beating myself up, because any man who after three dates does have the common courtesy to send me an email just to cut it off is clearly a coward.

When a man is interested, they are consistent.

I would love other people’s thoughts!

By: truthhurts

truthhurts — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 21:21:14 +0000

The sole fact that NML is still writing these blogs while she has for a long time managed to overcome the issues discussed here, means she is a very warm and caring person. How many of us would have the patience to keep repeating a message to people who are struggling with things that are probably a distant but not very happy memory for yourself?
I hope you will continue writing on this subject NML and your happy ending is an inspiration.

By: madeamistake

madeamistake — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 17:15:48 +0000

First, great post as usual NML. By the way, I think the older they get, they stupider they get (I guess that was harsh, huh?). Especially, if they have been married, they are SO GOOD at reeling off the “one time in band camp” story about their horrific marriage and poor pitiful me, blah, blah, blah, and we women unfortunately just eat it up. My one and only EUM did it to a tee. But it wasn’t until I found your website and your reader’s comments that I realized HOW TRUE this really is–I was completely floored that the EUMs/Assclowns of your readers/commenters used the EXACT SAME LINES that my EUM used. Just the wake up call I needed.

And with that, let me chime in here NML to say that your website was EXACTLY what I had been looking for when I found it. I’ll never forget it–I was in the Sky Club at the airport awaiting a flight when I was futily trying yet again to explain why I was ready to bolt on said EUM and why I could never get a grip on his behavior. You hit it out of the park–I was literally laughing outloud in the Sky Club (several people thought I was nuts and probably were on the verge of calling security). But, more importantly, you sounded like ME–the things you said were EXACTLY what I would have told friends going through similar situations. I just needed someone to say them to ME. The sarcastic humor you use never ceases to make me laugh…and realize how blind I was to what was happening. I had been to other websites (until I finally found yours) and they were, to be honest, no help. I want to thank you for everything.

Finally, thanks for your kind comments regarding my “Assclown Jeopardy” post. There’s probably more to come–these things keep floating around in my head.

Thank you NML for all that you do.

By: Half Happy Soul

Half Happy Soul — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 17:03:45 +0000

hangingonbyathread,
My best friend introduced me to my ex husband…MY two ACs I met in the jazz bar, it did “work” for two years (each)..I used to meet guys via on-line dating, they were ok, but I never felt chemistry with them, so had to say “good bye” in the beginning. I do prefer meeting people face to face (bars, sport center etc), but when you pass certain age, it is getting difficult, I have to agee with you:-(

By: Diane

Diane — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 13:12:41 +0000

Good advice. Thank you.

By: hangingonbyathread

hangingonbyathread — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 11:07:38 +0000

PS: Where do women aged 30+ meet men to date besides online dating? I would be lucky if I was asked on one date a year outside of it (and no, married men don’t count as they can’t be dated!) Is it just me?

By: hangingonbyathread

hangingonbyathread — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 11:02:27 +0000

I’ve started to wonder how anyone gets involved with anyone else in a committed relationship after the age of 30

I found this article painful, as it reiterates that I never know what a date’s modus operandi is, and that I should be wondering.

In many ways, I came to expect a lack of courtesy with regards to online dating because I found that people are not viewed as human beings, per se, but as products to be used and upgraded. I quit after the last guy used me to make his ex jealous, unbenownst to me at the time.

But I never expected a man I was already acquainted with to just ignore me after a date. This happend to me recently, and hurt like hell, because I thought he saw me as a PERSON.

I can hand on heart always say that, if I don’t want to see someone again, I do let them know as gently as possible. I think it’s cruel to keep people hanging, and I’m shocked it seems to be the norm.

To be honest, I feel a bit broken with regards to dating. I don’t think I understand how to play the game at all – because no matter where I’ve looked since I turned thirty three years ago, I haven’t met a single man who’s been interested in anything more than a shag, and when I’ve shut my legs, I haven’t met a single man who’s been in “interested” in “me” at all.

I’ve read many dating books, created a full life, seen a psychologist, done all manner of short courses, travelled and volunteered to enjoy life and meet new people – but still, to no avail. I’ve also dated almost any man who asked me out, bar the married men, and asked out a few myself.

I can spot the wolves in sheep’s clothing now, and the assclowns, but I’m tired of meeting them. It’s really getting me down because the majority of “available” men I meet are “unavailable.” I’m losing faith in men aged 30+.

By: KLM

KLM — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 08:37:46 +0000

Reading all your posts makes me feel less upset that I’ve wasted three years on an AC after my lovable husband and I divorced. It was as if I needed to punish myself for what I felt had been all my mistakes in my marriage (he was a nurturer while I was depressed and selfish in many ways – just trust me on this).

One thing I did appreciate about my EUM was that he gave me time to miss him, to begin to long for contact. I’m emotionally unavailable myself and often have physically cringed and felt claustrophobic as a relationship sets in. My EUM never annoyed me with a volley of texts asking where I was/what panties I was wearing, like some other men I’ve known. I savored his few choice words and replayed the way he smiled at me while I lay on his bed. He was nine years younger and I probably loved the so-called validation, but it wasn’t….he pulled every AC move described by all you but I would have blamed myself before discovering this blog. Three weeks ago I went NC and I think I’m nearly free of his gravitational pull. As I write tonight, no feelings arise. You’ve all helped me see the light and move on. Thank you.

By: catchserendipity

catchserendipity — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 23:59:07 +0000

The truth hurts – its often incredibly painful to hear. But after recently and fortuitously dicovering this website – a stroke of pure luck. I have to say that advice is some of the best I have ever heard – and is given with the intention of aiding self-betterment – emotionally and psychologically. And like other readers have found, it has, within a few literally a few weeks, helped me in my underdstanding abotu this incredibly complex terrain of life and relationships – this topic particuarily. And what’s more, at long last, the advice is to the point without any silver lining but with a really really strong message – thank you!