We’re Hearing But We’re Not Listening: Turn On the BS Meter

January 17, 2006 by NML

woman's face It’s a new year, new start, bla, bla, bla, yet what I have been hearing about is the demise of many relationships and when I hear the stories, much as I think the guy is a dickhead, I’m inclined to think the woman needs her head testing. What is becoming very clear is that we are prepared to listen to complete shite in our quest to maintain status and be in a relationship. We don’t ask enough questions and we’re hearing, but we’re not listening. Wake up and smell the coffee ladies. A man can only get away with what he’s allowed to do. If we listen to BS, they do BS.

I’ve often taken the piss out of guys for not listening properly, but the tables need to be turned on the ladies. Why are we listening to crap?I heard a story recently of a four year web of lies that from the moment I heard the first lie, I knew that he already had a girlfriend. Now if I can hear that in ten seconds flat, what the hell is this woman doing for four years? Why do we believe so easily? This guy said he couldn’t be called after 10.30pm, he could only see her on certain days of the week, she couldn’t stay at his because his sister was an epileptic, he rarely stayed at hers and generally acted like a complete penis. It turns out that he didn’t live in the same city with his sister like he claimed; he lived in another city with the girlfriend of nine years.We need to open our eyes and ears and operate with our full senses. Stop ignoring things that are staring at you in the face. If situations like that joke of a relationship transpire it’s because the woman has poor self esteem and wants to believe it rather than face the truth. I’ll tell you why we want to believe so easily: It’s because we bloody well want to!I was on the tube recently and I was shocked to overhear a woman saying that she had just discovered that her boyfriend of five years was married. How the hell did that happen, I thought. Naughty of me to earwig, but it transpired that he was telling both the wife and the mistress that didn’t know she was one, that he was away on business all the time. He had a whole other life and somehow his dodgy excuses, secretive behaviour, only seemed to make sense after he admitted that he was married…..

Things occasionally come out of the blue, but in general, all the hallmarks were there but we just don’t pay any attention. Some things are obvious like crap excuses and other things are more subtle, but we need to get a grip.

I’m frightened for the woman who will stay in a relationship with a man that is clearly deceiving her. Ask questions when they come up with this crap. Pick holes in their story and be aware that beyond a certain point, certain things are far from being acceptable.

It takes a matter of months to a year for a relationship to be serious and if your man won’t let you stay over when you’ve been together for several years, I’d say he’s hiding something or he’s just quite odd. If it sounds like BS, it is BS. If it walks like a cheat, acts like a cheat, talks like a cheat, he is a cheat. Stop making excuses for him and stop listening to them.

We are hearing, but we’re not listening. Hearing means that we hear the words, the sentence and take it in and accept it, but listening means that we hear it and listen to it properly and interpret it to fit in with whatever else he has said or the relationship overall. Listening means that we note the body language, the change in tone, and listen for the BS notes. Listening means that we’ll question instead of accepting at face value. It doesn’t mean that you become Inspector Clueso, or Nagging Significant Other by badgering him with questions and not believing anything he says, but it does mean that the bullshit meter is in full operation.

The allowing of certain behaviours is all about acceptance. If our significant other says or does something that we don’t approve of, we can either accept or reject their behaviour. If we accept it, we send a clear signal that the behaviour is acceptable, even if it is wrong and it is likely that the person will repeat the behaviour. However if we reject it, the person is on notice and either has to accept the fact that the behaviour is unacceptable or reject it. If they accept it, happy days and you guys get to move on. If they reject it, two things can happen. It’s either game over for you both or they chance their arm again and the cycle starts over. It is all about what we are prepared to accept or reject behaviour wise and if we don’t want to find ourselves with a man who takes advantage, we need to be harder and smarter. Yes it may mean some ‘lonely’ nights in the double bed. Yes it might mean that you’re single for a while. It won’t kill you. You’ll sleep easier at night, trust me and you’ll reap the benefits in the end, with a guy that is willing to play by the rules.NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim.