I am so happy for you!!!!!!

Good for you, dumping an N with or without “closure”. There’s no such thing as far as I’ve ever found, which is another reason they can walk back in and out of the gaping hole whenever they choose.

Catch up on your life at last, and I hope it’s holding plenty of the Good Stuff for you.

Best Regards, Leonine

I do get so mad at times that I feel tempted to call him and hurl a volley of abuse for the way he denigrated me. His last text was rife with rage and insults but I will never stoop to his depths. I am a proud, dignified independant woman and I got better things to direct my energy at; I have come a long way on my own and no sh*t face is gonna make me feel bad about myself ever ever again!! He didnt have the b@lls to leave the relationship with dignity (he asked me via text to leave him alone after I told him that I was moving on without him! greatest favour he ever did me) so he didnt give me closure but none of these idiots do… so I just took the closure myself!

I’m moving on and up now by forgiving myself. I’m catching up with my 2 beautiful teenage kids, my precious parents and my long lost friends. I’m doing all the stuff I dreamt of doing and I’m finally living my life and LOVING MYSELF! To me that narcissistic emotional vampire was just a bad dream and now I’m awake and living my life positively.
So I say to all of you ladies….dont take any sh*t. Love yourself for you are strong and beautiful feisty women who all deserve so much better. There are wonderful, loving, respectable men out there – all you have to do is to wear the right ‘magnet’

Hugs!

My entire relationship pattern has been of going with men I didn’t really like but stuck with because they were “the best on offer at the time”. The supposed Honeymoon phase usually consisted of being hugely bored andsearching out what they wanted, what it was they liked and getting on with my own stuff in between seeing them.

It never occured to me that I might somewhere inside myself be feeling undeserving of better… but that’s what the problem is, I think.

I would have (until yesterday, when I found here) claimed adamantly that I had good self-esteem: I know I’m good looking, clever, able, independent – indeed, in between the dire relationships, I’ve spent most of my adult female life alone. Which might only be another sign that somewhere I don’t think I can get better?

First ever relationship was with a covert alcoholic, and after almost three years watching him wipe vomit off his beard before coming to bed, that put me off men for the following ten years.

Then onto A-Clown Big Time – a “tough biker” with a high voice and afraid someone might hit him, lol. I was good there – I dumped him after 3 months (not because I wanted him out in fights, you understand, just because his persona didn’t match his image. He was yeukky).

Another 10 years alone and I get tied in with Boring Man of the century! Of course, I chose to see that as “steady and dependable” – except for his running around with other women and drinking himself into a stupor every night.

Yep – 10 years alone, lol, and forward comes Mr Narcissist. Even now, this ninny trolls and trawls me, even though I dumped him big-time (with the help pf police) after our second meeting… and his second huge rage at me for not wanting to leap into the sack with him.

And, most recently, Mr EU. A real Player, with the “dead relationship” and woman who hasn’t slept with him for almost 2 years, despite his being so marvellous and dedicated. Uh, no!

It’s time to change and, as I’m finding out from this site, that change has to come from me, to me and with me. No one else.

I really can’t believe that at my age (50) this is the first time I’m hearing anything of this. It’s so important we should know before we start looking for or accepting relationships into our lives.

At least my daughter, now aged 10, will hear it beforehand. And in the down to earth, sensible, non obsessive and blameless way of this site: forget them and what they do/say/want; be clear in yourself what you do/say want. That’s where it stems from. That’s where it’s all drawn from.

Until now, we’ve only had the ridiculous fairytales, films, tv shows and songs to show us the way.

Thank You.

Leonine

I am convinced that looking for love is the wrong goal. I think you need to start with the fundamentals – character, discipline (will to complete a task), honor, joy and compassion, existing and well-founded emotional ties to family and friends, active and respected in the community.

Start with a man that is worthy of sharing your life. Then, if you find yourself happy just making him happy – then consider dating and getting serious.

This gives you a tough standard to live up to, to have and hold his respect. It will be good for both of you.

At least with an honorable man, any hurts will be unintentional and can be resolved. With less to fear, you should find more fun in your life.

How to find such a paragon of virtues (lol!)? You will want to engage with your community and family. Networks with people you respect and trust. Mention you want someone to settle down with, network. Avoid anyone that is easy to meet, seems like you have know him forever – this is usually a slick pickup routine by an experienced bed-partner winner – and is unavailable for an honorable shared life.

Luck!

Brad K.’s last blog post..br: Dignity and choosing a partner

i love this site….

keep smiling;)

always,
Carol

Ahhhh! There are so many times on this site, when I just CANNOT believe that I’ve experienced exactly the same thing with my EUM. This is my first hardcore EUM…like serious, repeat offender, manipulative, ASSCLOWN from literal hell. I’m starting no-contact (for the 4th time in 2 years) today. I’ve always let him back in…slowly, but surely. He’s good. But I promised myself that this time (oh yes, I knew it was coming) was the last time that he would date anyone, but especially an aquaintance/old friend of mine behind my back, lie about it, while he tried to disengage me. When he tries to disengage me, it doesn’t take long…I’m gone. But this time, I’m never going back. Wish me luck. Nope, nevermind. I don’t need it. (-: Love to everyone on this site.

What comes through from your message isn’t that you are unsure of your feelings for him – you are insecure about you. You seem to have doubts about your own self-worth, your self esteem seems low. You seem to be thinking “He is great, and I really treasure him – but do I deserve to be happy?”

And you might take a closer look at respect in your relationship. Taking what you say and using it in a way that makes you feel small – is not an act of respect. Belittling you is a horrible thing that bullies do, not people that value us.

Keep reading around Baggage Reclaim, about topics like self esteem and respect, and I hope you find a happier path!

Brad K.’s last blog post..The family, the child, and the culture of the home

One of the best words I have ever read on commitment was from a chapter in a book called Journey of the Heart. The premise is that trouble in relationships can give each person a chance at insight and self growth like nothing else in this world.

If you love him and he loves you please see your well written thoughts as an opportunity to grow into an even more deeply loving person in an even more deeply loving relationship. This will be really great for both of you.

You have been given a very beautiful gift of insight, and now you have some important work to do to understand and work to change your behaviors. A skilled counselor would be great, just make sure you keep working at it, for both your sake and his.

Why not seek some counseling? If you do not try to correct this problem you will repeat the behavior with the next man.
I cannot stress how painful and destructive this type of of behavior is to the recipient, please seek some help for you both.

“Loving someone means you’ll have care and concern for them. You’ll treat them with love, not ambivalence or fickleness, or disregard. Instead, you’ll be incredibly uncomfortable to put them through pain unnecessarily.” I like to create drama or else I feel like the relationship is boring or that he doesn’t love me as much. It’s kind of a self satisfaction thing that I do I guess, by breaking up with him and seeing how much it hurts him. Which I know is bad, and many times I feel terrible about it afterwards.

Reading the comment from sadthing:
My experience was that whilst I was doing all the consistent loving supportive stuff, he was lapping it up then using the clues I’d given him about my insecurities ( of which there were many) to cause ambivalence or cause pain if he was feeling particularly threatened.

I feel like I’m that guy. My boyfriend gives me consistent loving and I take all his insecurities and throw it in his face. What is wrong with me? I’m such a horrible person. Would it be better if I just ended it with him to spare his feeling?

Often in poor relationships, there is at least one party who is trying to dodge the bullet of responsibility. When you call them on their behaviour, they say that no-one’s forcing you to be with them, or they told you x,y,z so you knew the score. They brush you off and call you needy for expecting from them, and manage down your expectations and blow hot and cold to avoid connecting and responsibility.

The above is exactly what he does/did. I want to move on – like he has in a sense – but he still keeps me hanging on and I let him.

Deep down, I knew that this guy has not changed. It was obvious from the time he phoned me and how he hunted me down. A part of me was also no longer interested in men who are shallow and selfish. Through the years since I’d broken up with this man, I’d grown. I learned to love myself and be a little selfish myself rather than giving too much to men who has nothing to give back. I’m tired of having to do most of the work and not getting any reciprocation from the efforts I’d invested in the so-called relationships.

I guess this old boyfriend of mine has learned that I have changed and perhaps he saw that I was no longer this anxious, insecure, lady that he knew way back when. He realized that I’d immediately set up my boundaries by not changing anything in my schedule to meet his. He realized that I value my life more than I value his and that I will not cater to him like the young, insecure lady he’d known to drop everything for him. No more. I’m a changed woman for the better. And I’m glad that I have enough strength to see right through this man, even if we weren’t face to face. Thank you.