When we need to break up with someone, it’s tempting, when faced not just with the prospect of acknowledging a partner’s position and how we might be impacting them, but also with the prospect of seeing and hearing them, to dodge the conversation. Some people feel this way but face it down. Some drop hints in the hopes that by hinting at issues or behaving badly, the other person will do their dirty work. And some people disappear or what is commonly referred to as ‘ghosting’.
Ghosting is when a person disappears because they would rather do that than 1) be honest and direct, 2) face their partner’s feelings and reactions or 3) be open to recognising either their part in things or that they can’t be Mr or Miss Comes Up Smelling of Roses.
Over the last few months, an increasing number of readers referred to ‘ghosting’ or being ‘ghosted’, and it’s important to get something clarified right off the bat:
Ghosting is not a form of breaking up, nor is it the same as No Contact.
Breaking up is when a person ends the relationship.
No Contact is for after a breakup. It’s for when it becomes apparent that healthy boundaries are not possible and that remaining in contact is destroying sense of self and the ability to process the loss and move forward. The only exception to No Contact happening without a breakup is if it’s an abusive relationship.
Disappearing isn’t exactly a display of courage and we are most likely to do it if we’re not emotionally mature or available.
Sure, it’s uncomfortable to let someone down, to admit that this isn’t what we want anymore or that our feelings have changed or whatever our reason is, but it’s also necessary. It’s how we not only build up our being human muscles but it’s also how we develop our relationships.
People who disappear/’ghost’ learn nothing. Why? Because they edit and erase themselves out of relationships so that they don’t have to confront anything.
It’s not even necessarily about doing things from a ‘bad’ place (although there are some incredibly shady people who employ ‘ghosting’ so that they never face consequences and instead press the reset button); it’s about doing things from a place where fear, cowardice or excessive concern about how we look or our discomfort, trumps integrity and compassion.
I’ve talked to a number of ‘ghosters’. All reasoned that they didn’t want to hurt the person’s feelings. Really? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that, while breakups hurt, disappearing sucks.
Ghosters fail to acknowledge their motivations. They cut and run because they don’t want to hurt their own feelings. They end up throwing their partner under a proverbial bus all so that they can box away their feelings and draw a line under things. On their terms.
It’s about control, as in attempting to feel in control of the situation in their head rather than having to deal with an unpredictable foreign object, like another human who they’ve made plans and promises, exchanged bodily fluids with, and inferred all manner of things via the interaction. They’re in control of the story because disappearing means that the ‘ghostee’ can’t talk back and offer up their version of events. It also means that the ghoster doesn’t have to interact with the ghostee.
Things to note about ghosters:
- They tell you what they think you want to hear. In their world that means “Don’t tell me anything bad”, forgetting that you’ll take the truth over the lie or disappearing, any day.
- They often think that they’re communicating an issue when, really, they’ve been hinting.
- They keep things to themselves and store it up. This is all while giving you their game face. And then next thing, boom, they’re gone. In their head, the ‘issues’ have been going on for a long time and couldn’t be resolved. You, however, found out at the end and didn’t get a chance to resolve it.
- They might set tests that you don’t even know you’re taking. For example, I’ll know I should stay if they _______ today or they say _____. If they ________, then that seals it for me. I’m off. If you pass, they set another test.
- They have negative associations with conflict and criticism. They don’t argue or discuss. Or they do, but their efforts are limited because they’re living in the past.
- For the ghoster, it’s often important that both of you think that things are “perfect”. This sets them up for failure because neither of you can live up to this expectation.
For the ghoster, it’s often important that both of you think that things are “perfect”. This sets them up for failure because neither of you can live up to this expectation.
- They often reason that not talking about feelings or what’s bothering them means that no feelings are being hurt in the running or breakage of a relationship.
- They hoard resentment and other ill feelings. If they feel that you erred or wronged them, even if they’ve let you think that it’s all cool (that’s if you even knew about it), when they decide to disappear, they’ll use these reasons.
- They often have someone else lined up. It might just be interest. It might be an ex, an emotional affair or a full-blown one. They’re the type who don’t leave unless they think (or know) that they have somewhere else to go to. Also known as being an Overlapper.
- They might gaslight you. Whether it’s unintentionally (and they’re on thin ice there) or deliberately, the net result is the same. As they dismiss your concerns, tell you everything is okay, say one thing, do another, and even make out as if you’re smoking crack and being a drama queen/king, you don’t know your up from your down. Hell, some will even sleep with you before they check out of your life! When they ghost you, it shatters what’s left of your self-esteem because they’ve messed with your reality and you’ve ignored your intuition.
Moving forward after being ghosted
If you’ve been ghosted, I can tell you with one hundred per cent certainty that it’s not about you. You did not deserve to be disappeared on. It’s not about whether you’re “good enough” to be broken up with. Ghosting is about the ghoster’s journey with conflict, criticism, rejection and disappointment. No, it isn’t nice what they’ve done. And, yes, the decent thing would be to give an explanation. Their inadequate style of ending a relationship, though, doesn’t reflect your inadequacy.
The person who stands to see right through the facade of a ghoster who doesn’t want to see themselves is the one who’ll get the disappearing act.
Many people wear masks–BR readers often wear the people-pleasing one. The problem with a ghoster is that they have become so good at hiding their feelings and true opinions from others and putting up a front that they’ve forgotten the lie is a lie. You may or may not have been aware of their mask (hindsight gives 20:20 vision). Disappearing means that for you, you have to drop the mask from your picture of them. Breathe. They haven’t gotten off scot-free. Someone can run, but they can’t hide from their feelings and thoughts. Life will find a way to bring the disappearing acts to the fore for resolution.
The key is not to keep blaming yourself. It’s understandable, to a degree, when it first happens. It’s the untruths, though, that will make you unhappy. Don’t tell yourself that Mr or Miss Perfect disappeared and that it was all your fault. Please don’t say that if you’d been “enough” then you could have fixed their issues so that they wouldn’t disappear.
Don’t disappear on yourself.
Your thoughts?
PS I have a separate post coming up in a few days which addresses ghosting in dating.
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Natalie,
I have said this before, but I must say it again. This is truly your calling. You live a life with purpose daily because YOU truly help other people. Now, that is what you call living! This blog is so good and really helped soothe my soul. I loved what you said:
The problem with a ghoster is that they have become so good at hiding their feelings and true opinions from others and putting up a front that they’ve forgotten the lie is a lie.
I find strength every time I read your work. I am not going to disappear on myself. I am not going to let the hurt swallow me up. I have HOPE that one day things will be much better. I am learning every time I read something you have written. Your work is phenomenal.
After being cheated on -I have looked at is -as a lesson to MAKE SURE that I value myself. I am firm with my boundaries and if I don’t feel safe or secure then I do not move forward. Period. I have tried my best to turn my hurt into a lesson that will help me in future relationships.
THANK YOU Natalie for all the time you put into writing BR blogs. Your blog is a source of strength for ME. Also, thank you for talking about the importance of being consistent with taking care of ourselves (in a previous podcast). I live in the spa weekly. Just before a blizzard came I raced to the spa to get my fix while most people were making a mad rush for the grocery store. I so appreciate you giving me the green light to pamper myself. Smile. Thank you. Big hug.
MJ
I agree with Mary Jane:
‘The problem with a ghoster is that they have become so good at hiding their feelings and true opinions from others and putting up a front that they’ve forgotten the lie is a lie.’
Reading this post today was helpful. I still struggle 20 months later from being semi-ghosted. A few electronic apparitions without a clear face to face caring discussion has left me still questioning everything. Just today, I was asking myself…
Why would he have invited me for that last weekend if he didn’t want me there? Was there a secret test that I was being run through that I failed late Sunday afternoon? I seriously thought this today before reading Natalie’s post. Was my fate determined on that day by some unknown to me ‘test’:
If she mentions “X” then it’s over. “X” could have been a random number or a word with the letter “j” for as much as nothing makes sense. Or maybe if she wears something purple, or if she puts her hair up, or she has both feet on the second stair from the top… THAT’S how crazy and non-sensical it still feels. I have NO idea what he could have resented me for, but I don’t think it makes sense to destroy something good unless it’s not really mutually good. Like… Let me give you 100% caring, attention, effort, and thoughtfulness and you can just resent me for it? and then morph into an electronic apparition, immune from feelings, that disappears after hitting SEND.
Yes, I needed to read this one. Now I just need to APPLY it to my life and BELIEVE it. *Just* being really tough.
Have you ever heard of Borderline Personality disorder? I suggest anyone who has ever been ghosted look more closely at the criteria for that disorder. It may bring you peace.
Hi Say Something,
I read every comment on this particular post and it has really helped me. Has it helped bring you any comfort? It is so sad to hear how each person has been mistreated. But the take away for me is understanding that people do some really dirty things and I am not sure they realize the impact. It is awful to be deceived, but the comments here demonstrate how often this happens. The comments on this topic are rolling in because this happens to so many of us. It is shameful.
All of the comments shared here have really opened my eyes and they serve as lessons (and things to watch out for). These are heartless people who just vanish and act as if they NEVER knew us. The impact that ghosting has had on everyone sharing their stories is astonishing. Loss of trust, decline in health, sleepless nights, broken heart, humiliation, disrespect, impact on ability to do your job just to name a few—just heart breaking. Recovery takes time.
Hugs to everyone who has shared their stories in doing so you are helping everyone understand that this happens to so many people. It makes you pause and say –it is not just ME. It helps me take the edge off of what happened to me. Thanks again to everyone for sharing their stories. I hope we all find some way to heal so that more precious time is not lost on people who are just not worth our time.
MJ
Hi MJ,
Reading these comments both helps and hurts. Helps in that maybe what happened to me actually happened like I think it did. Hurts to read all these horrid ways people are treated- including you, including me. And for no valid reason.
I still struggle with thinking I must be making it up, because WHO JUST STOPS a relationship, shrugs it off, disappears, and is attached to someone else immediately when… WHAT ABOUT US???? What about ME? You know the Servepro disaster cleaner motto:
“LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED”
I feel like I was relationship SERVEPRO-ed. Natalie may call this action ‘editing’.
For months I’ve felt extremely (over?) emotional so I made an appt with my FNP, thinking I have to be my own advocate, general contractor-like. But I sabotaged myself somewhat. I refused to be weighed because I’d gained 10 lbs since summer 2014. In addition, I had to remind her of pre-existing things I needed to follow up on. I was reprimanded for refusing to be weighed and I was annoyed by her lack of attention to my health history… that’s all it took for me to lose faith… I didn’t fill out my screening paperwork accurately, thinking I would verbally discuss. All inquires about crying, feeling depressed and such I didn’t comment on, and then I never said a word except that I “felt shitty”. I have been prescribed 50,000 units weekly of vit D, which may be affecting me emotionally. My level was 13 (should be 30-60). Damn northeast. So possible influence (not cause) of my EXTREME emotional state of perpetual sadness. It’s too early to know still, but today is the first day in months I didn’t cry in the morning. It’s been ‘normal’ for me to cry 3,4,5 times a day. I still don’t sleep. But I’m fighting ‘this’ whatever it is that got ahold of me. The ‘modified’ ghosting, save for those few electronic apparitions, has turned me into ghost of my former self. Funny how that happens. I remember being fun, relaxed, HAPPY… I had energy, ideas, hopes, perseverance, plans. Trust. A sense of self. I miss that. I’m so happy you’re doing better 🙂
Say Something,
Just keep trying. I hope no one goes ghost on me again. But if they do I think I would be much stronger after all of my work here on BR. And I have had time to process it all. Love is a gamble.
My fear at this point is after what he pulled my life will never be as great as it was. I am busy doing things. I plan vacations alone, but I have to talk myself into doing things. There is always this yearning to have someone special to go with. Going to NYC to see a play alone. I don’t like doing that. I have a number of special events coming up and it is tough to go alone but I will. I am trying to change this.
There are times that I could go to a movie with someone but I decide not to. It is weird, but I think I am getting use to doing things alone. I am picky about when I want company. LOL. I have gone out and watched 3 movies in a day and gone to the gym alone. I just design my days the way I want to. This makes me happy. Everybody just wants to text anyway. Like you I use to be fun, relaxed and HAPPY. The betrayal changed my life.
Recently, those bad dreams started again. Like everyone says here their bad behavior has a major impact on our lives. CHAOS. My life has been altered for sure. I wake up some mornings and I still can’t believe this happened to ME. It seems unreal. I have tried to practice acceptance.
To put things in perspective I had a death in my family recently. It literally took me down to my knees. I was sent a text message about a family death. Yes a text. The death was very painful but it was no where near as painful as what he pulled on me. I know you understand this because we discussed it before. I have observed my healing process between this recent death and the dirty crap he pulled on me. What he did took a worse toll on me. I still have days where it comes back and haunts me ( it is like a dark permanent cloud that will NEVER leave my life).
I just keep trying my best every single day. Hope this makes you smile. I put on some weight eating comfort foods this winter too. Making new food became something fun to do. But this has gotta go. I am painting again instead of making new foods. Smile.
MJ
Hi MJ,
I have taken so long to respond because I wanted to think and of course I came up with nothing profound… I am so sorry to hear you endured the death of someone close to you. And finding out by text was possibly someone’s way of avoiding an emotional moment (with you). That’s hurtful. Maybe and probably not intentionally hurtful, but still. And as much as it might seem ‘odd’ to some, I understand completely about it being horrible and awful but not AS BAD as how we ended up at BR.
I think we both were ghosted in a way. Neither one of us ever saw the end coming, and then we never saw the guys again. I know we both had brief communication and then DONE with no real answers. Trauma and deceit. Abrupt horrific endings. I had a dream the other night too. It just doesn’t end. But I’ve cried a bit less this week. It is SO time to stop crying, but it lingers.
I have not ventured to NYC alone. I’ll do many things, but not big cities alone. I have gotten myself lost enough accidentally: Baltimore, MD, Camden, NJ and Rochester, NY. I’ll meet you right OUTSIDE the city sometime 🙂
Since deleting my online dating profile last May/June I have been 100% solo. The ghosting of people I never met or went out with once was annoying but not devastating. Baby ghosts.
Your resolve to carry on and ensure you are living your life is admirable and shows that you have inner strength and determination. Helpful things: I listened to Natalie’s new podcast today. Last night (again) I listened to an audio excerpt by Friedemann Schaub regarding anxiety and the subconscious mind. We’re not giving up! I never want to feel this way again. Keep painting 🙂
Hi Say Something,
I came to BR today for a dose of love and I found your sweet note. Thanks for this note. I would love to meet you near the city. All the fun stuff is in the city. You can take a cab in and we can have a blast (smile).
I do think those fools pulled a ghost act on us. It has been devastating for us both. My dream was about him giving me an apology. He actually said he was sorry. His apology wouldn’t really mean a thing to me. This is something obviously I wanted to feel healed. I got it in my DREAM. Sad. My ex checked out even though he was engaged. I had no clue. Now, I try to look forward and focus on new life goals and visualize a new positive future. I focus on my travels and other activities I enjoy. It is torture to try to analyze it NOW. The stories here just show me what people are capable of. I am not doing bad by myself. I don’t want anymore DRAMA. Like you I want no more of this.
I never want to run into him. I have avoided my favorite shoe shop. But I think I m going back soon. Just early in the morning. LOL.
Thank you for your note. You are just the sweetest. BR just brings me LOVE.
MJ
First off I have to say this site has been better for me than years of hard therapy. I too have been ghosted by a 63 yr old EU man who I was in a relationship with for six years. I struggled all thru the holidays…as everyone else has said, no self esteem, no focus, sad, couldn’t do my job etc. I did find out mo and a half later what real issue was…talk about immaturity. His best friend randomly called me, very strange bc I didn’t keep in contact w him. The thing he kept saying over n over…he has lots of women friends. He says you are controlling, possessive and unhealthy jealous. If you want to get bk together, my advice to you is that you give him space, and turn your head. Omg…I didn’t have a clue. This ass clown had his women friends early on…I stupidly thought that was long gone.
So now realize the ghosting was a huge favor. My struggle now is feeling like there was no repercussions for him…he simply skated away most likely to his other women. We all sit with the aftermath, our world as we knew it destroyed, and they just go on…like we are a disposable pen. Like we never mattered. That for me hardest part to get over.
So sorry that you have experience in the challenges you are I wish it didn’t all have to do with somebody who didn’t do right by you but thank you for sharing because it helps me to pull back now while I have the Amber and red flags that I don’t have to get completely and utterly down in the dumps over someone who simply is not worth it in anyway shape or form. all the best to you…..wishing u gentle healing, quality sleep and a better u mind, body and soul!
To “say something”
So sorry that you have experience in the challenges you are I wish it didn’t all have to do with somebody who didn’t do right by you but thank you for sharing because it helps me to pull back now while I have the Amber and red flags that I don’t have to get completely and utterly down in the dumps over someone who simply is not worth it in anyway shape or form. all the best to you…..wishing u gentle healing, quality sleep and a better u mind, body and soul!
How kind and thoughtful of u …wishing u good Quality love both from yourself, to yourself and from others !
I cried with relief when I read this. You have no idea what this post has done for me. I felt a weight that’s sat on me for months just lifted off me. Thank you.
Hi Natalir
I love that you covered this! I’m a dating coach and it happened to me last year after three months together! I recently blogged about it in HuffPost if you don’t mind me sharing here…the link is:
The comments were all over the place and some felt it came from a scorned place. I am happy to see a third party share so much of the truths that people need to know about ghosting. I hope one day it will be rare enough to not need its own word anymore!
I totally agree and am thankful for both of you & others who have had ghosting men, EUM, or future fakers.
Mine I met on eHarmony (only one I dated before cancelling). RCE was a perfect gentleman, good connection, communication, thought intervention by God, he claimed to be Christian. Divorced twice, 2 grown children. We liked each other & had fun. We saw each other 6 times before he was to start a contract job Thanksgiving-New Years. He texted all time with sweetie or my dear friend, etc –, called; then slowly just good morning to no phone calls or text was not personalized w my name. He texted NY’s Eve – Happy New Year; then nothing for 22 days. No response to my phone message 18 days; then out of the blue, he texted. “How are you doing?” My response after waiting 3 days to answer, “Fine”.
Crazy, selfish, no integrity or character in this 61 yr old man to make a call if we truly had a connection. I thought he was honest, truthful, & meant his words of looking for complete pkg & only wanted to date one woman.
I now figure he never really wanted a relationship–lots of words- hook, line, sunk me!!! just his M/O & game. Probably had several women on the string; then gets to comfy- he runs to next woman in candy land.
His profile said he thought all women need to be told they are beautiful, he is passionate about his hobby.
(Duh, a red flag I overlooked). We had a emotional connection from 1st phone call & first night we meet with friends of his. No sex….just over 3 weeks laughing, dinner, movie, live music, talking & kissing. He said we had a “warp speed relationship”, he couldn’t keep it up with his contract job coming up. I didn’t want fast, all the time; just to slowly grow & develop a friendship first; then a relationship. No hurry. It wasn’t a relationship, we hadn’t dated enough. We both were comfortable with each other.
He asked was I going to be crazy like his last girlfriend over year ago.
Nope not worth it; I have more happiness, drive & gusto; not worth losing myself over a man. His loss, but it stings & hurts. I was done in by a Fast Forwarding Future Faker who talked about going RVing, seeing us old on front porch (he reeled me in). It threw me in funk cause I trusted him & gotten close., excited & giddy, thought God had sent my mate.
Any advice……I had never been online dating til Oct. I have cancelled them, a waste of time with losers, too many fake profilers, scammers, & like this game player; so call Texas gentleman. He will get his justice one day.
I am getting back into finding new goals, enriching my life, traveling, and being happy with myself and my life.
Blon2bee,
I am so sorry you had to experience this. 61 years old and acting a fool. Really? This is CRAZY. If he doesn’t know how to respect someone at his late age in life he never will.
Find new goals and travel just as you said. Be good to yourself. As Jackie says below:
Mentally well people don’t behave like this. Cowards and crazymakers do.
Please look at this article. It is shocking about how older men act like complete asses. This article mentions Mick Jagger who is 70 (Dear God when do they stop) and talks about how he went through women like he was changing his dirty socks. Really? It is implied in other articles that he drove his 50 year old lover to her suicide.
After she died he was soon with another woman. The moral of the story is they keep rolling on. Don’t allow them to strip you of your JOY. As Natalie points out this has nothing to do with your value. Find something that makes you happy. A 61 year old player. One foot in the grave and another on a banana peel- still acting a fool. This burns me up. Pardon me but I would plant a pump up his butt for wasting your time with his BS.
http://observer.com/2016/01/when-boomer-men-we-love-behave-badly/
Is there anyone out there who really wants a REAL relationship?
MJ
I loved my grandfather, but this was him until his death. He never EVER settled down (married 3 times, countless women). At the end, he had his two sons with him (luckily for him they forgave him for his crappy parenting) but he never had a partner all through his declining years. Just the way he was. These guys don’t change and don’t get fooled by their age and thinking they must be mature if they’re over a certain age. In fact, I think if a guy is over 40 and has never had a LT relationship (over 5 years) he ain’t never gonna. Move along! Better to find someone younger who is inclined towards commitment than someone older who is already firmly entrenched in his commitmentphobia.
Diane, you’re right about being very careful but aren’t you too judgemental? I’m over 40 and never had relationship over 5 years. Am i worse committmentphobe even though I’m working on my issues than those who’ve been in LTR but cheated on their partners, or simply just not being there, and they aren’t even aware they have an issue?
It’s not being judgmental, it’s being observational. In my experience, if a man gets to a certain age and hasn’t had a long term relationship, he has not ever figured out how to do the compromising involved in how to be in an intimate relationship with someone, and there was likely something stopping him from doing so – especially in this town, men have their absolute pick of women – all ages, sizes, careers, etc, and if they haven’t found one that they felt they could make a go at it with, then they’re looking for a unicorn and live in a fantasy world. Obviously I would try to avoid someone who is a chronic cheater.
Hi Deb
I enjoyed your article…I thought it was interesting you mentioned three dates as a threshold, because I’ve noticed myself that the real playas seem to only be able to do three dates and then vanish. It’s like their act can’t cope with anything longer, so if you haven’t slept with them by the third date, they give up…naturally by ghosting..
I think I was ghosted but I can’t tell. One day we had a relationship of over a year, the next we have a phone call where he ends things be used he’s not sure. Nothing I did…I was great. What the what?? And poof…just like that everything is done. Haven’t heard from him. No closure….lots of uncertainty and hi saying he had told me he was thinking about the future of our relationship. Sure he did that. But that’s it. No explaining. No confronting any issues. Just one-sided who knows what. I don’t get it.
I don’t think this is ghosting – if you were ghosted, he wouldn’t have called to break up, he would have just vanished. As crappy as it was, this was a break up. Hope you’re feeling better now though
@Confused, I agree with Bloom….that was an actual breakup and then he went ”ghost”. This also happened to me. My ex was trying to ghost me until ”I” stupidly called him to find out what was going on (talk about regret) He then broke it off with me and I haven’t heard from him since. From your post, it sounds like he was unsure about the breakup and possibly trying to leave the door open a little in case he wants to come back…I wouldn’t let him. Sorry you’re going through that, hope you’re doing better.
I’m being ghosted after a friendship lasting 16 years. A line was crossed (I don’t cross lines unless I have genuine feelings) and now the consequences are not manageable for the other party. I’m destroyed because I haven’t just lost what I hoped was the possibility of a wonderful partnership but I’ve lost the friend I thought he was. It’s good days and bad and today is a bad day.
Jac,
The consequences were probably manageable in life for the other party, but the other party did not want to put the time in to allow a different relationship to blossom. People usually know when someone wants to take the next step in a relationship. If after 16 years, which is a very long time, someone tried to go further in the relationship (I assume that was you), and the other person for whatever reason did not want to reciprocate, all that needed to be said by the other party was “thank you for that sentiment, but I don’t feel the same way at this time.” It is an end to a relationship only when you can’t talk through the awkward phases, and you should have been able to talk about the awkward parts if the other party was an adult – which apparently did not happen.
I had a similar thing happen with a guy I knew over 20 years. I tried to talk about the awkward parts, he wanted to avoid it, so I gave up. It did hurt for a while, but I got over it remembering that he never cleaned up his messes and it was why we were never going to be genuinely close again. I left him to his own devices after that.
I believe you can “know” someone for a few months or for a few decades, but the “real” person only comes out when it gets tough. Often there is hurt, but just focus on you right now to get over it. It is always their loss, never forget that you are still a beautiful person and the other person who was rude to you has the issues, problems, maturity lacking and self-esteem problems – not your problem anymore. And be thankful you didn’t give more of your time, heart or emotions, because then you would have really been hurt even more. You got off lightly, so try to be grateful for that. Some people give their all and it is too much to bear to be rejected. If you were rejected early, it is a blessing. Nothing to beat yourself up over, let that part of the relationship shrivel up and die off. Relationships have to be fed. If you are the only one feeding it, it never feels fulfilling, so let the other person kill it, watch it die, and move on quickly to take care of yourself. Bubble baths are in order right about now. Good luck to you and feel better.
My story is also very similar to Jac. Only that I knew the guy for almost a year, not as long as you both. He was the one who pursued me first, but the attraction was present on both sides. I was expecting to be just a fling, as our situation is long-distance, and I knew he was not exactly Mr. Serious Relationship 2013. 😛 However, I did not expect him to disappear or get awkward (well, we only limited ourselves to Birthday, Xmas, NYE wishes and some ‘like’ on FB – the so-called ‘lazy communication’ in BR terminology 😀 ). I expected him to handle things normally and for us to keep communicating with honesty and openness. That was my main disappointment. More than a year went by, and, last spring, I paid a visit to his city (for professional purposes). When he found out, he suddenly came back to life, and we arranged to meet up. The ball was in his court, so he took advantage of the opportunity. The meeting went well, but no delicate topics were touched. At first sight, one might have thought we’re a couple of dipsticks on our 1st date. 😛 I can repeat also for myself what Adele said: ‘I tried to talk about the awkward parts, he wanted to avoid it, so I gave up. It did hurt for a while, but I got over it remembering that he never cleaned up his messes and it was why we were never going to be genuinely close again.’ Yes, exactly that’s the feeling. Sometimes we chat, but not that often. I feel lots of repressed tension on both parts, his unfinished sentences… But if I need practical help on some matter, he is very prompt. And the other way around. But his emotions, good or bad, are still closed. Gee, I had more clarity from men I was never romantically involved with, and/or who were never interested in the first place!
Oh, wel.. Wishing you both to get over such stories. Which I also promise I will do.
Many hugs to Nat and all the readers!
Thank you Adele and Sandra81 and to all who shared their stories. Good luck and much love.
Thank you Natalie. This happened to me with a boyfriend I’d been seeing for 3 months. It felt completely bewildering and I was in shock and blaming myself. Ultimately I’ve come to realise there were many signs that he wasn’t mature in any way. Your article really makes sense – I can see now how he was busy hoarding resentment and ill feelings. I’m sure he’ll continue to to this in his life and blame the women he victimizes. I’m trying to use this as a lesson learnt – not to get involved before knowing someone’s character. He definitely thinks the grass is greener and people are disposable, Yeuch. wouldn’t want to be with him anyway. Looking forward to your next article
Your posts always hit so close to home…I am in a situation where I know I am accepting less than I deserve and I keep allowing myself to be disappointed and hurt, yet I can’t cut ties. It helps somewhat to at least know that it isn’t me. I hope one day I have the courage to walk away.
I wish I had read this, years ago. It would have helped when I ran into so many ghosters, in dating. It’s definitely a comfort now, after a friend ghosted me, four years ago. Her behavior is on her, not me. It hurts still, but now I don’t sit and wonder what I did to make her disappear. She chose to ghost me, and should she ever contact me again, I will confront her and tell her that because she ghosted me, I will not accept her apology. Real friends don’t do that, and I have lots of friends who don’t do that. Ghosting is such a terrible thing to do; I have only had to ghost someone once and only because he was abusive.
My husband of 4 months just left a letter that he was taking a job out of state, had filed for divorce, and packed up most of his stuff and just left. I was told the night before he loved me and would never leave me. The morning he left he was going on a job interview. I have a hard time understanding why nothing was discussed before – marriage counseling for example. This ghosting article is the closest thing to help me understand. Cowardly and immature come to mind.
So sorry to hear this Lynn. There was another writer on YourTango that whose husband of 2 years did the same thing and she had to leave Europe, move back to New York. This is rattling and crazy making but the only person who is mentally off, are the men. Mentally well people don’t behave like this.
I’m so sorry Lynn. That’s exactly what my father did to my mother and I when I was an infant. Hugs to you.
Wow Lynn,
I’m so sorry this happened to you. But I hope you know this is definitely “it’s him, not you” situation. Good luck to you
My God, Lynn – I’m so sorry… What a dreadful thing to do. It makes you feel like you’re nuts when he’s just said one thing the night before, and then acts like that the next day. I never believe what people say anymore, I just watch their behaviour for a while and see if it matches up with their talk. Stay well…
Lynn,
Some men cannot be the man you expect and need them to be, so they leave thinking it will solve their problem. It never solves the problems of the family. So sorry this happened to you with no warning. It must have been a shock. He will not be good for anyone else, and he will feel guilty forever for this what he did. I have done the smallest rudeness to someone by accident and have never forgotten it, just think that he will never sleep soundly again, he will never get over his conscience for this. You are in the better position as you are whole, he is not, he can never be whole no matter what he lies and says about this despicable behavior. He is not a real man, and he knows it – he knew it, and now he knows that YOU know it. He can’t face you. But you can be better and good luck to you for that. Feel good if possible, this is about him, not you.
Mentally well people don’t behave like this. Cowards and crazymakers do.
Jackie I don’t agree with you that only super cowardly or mentally ill people do this. Ghosting is the new normal.
If we pretend ghosting is an exceptional situation, we go back to blaming ourselves for picking a loser.
We need to be taught how to deal with ghosting from the standpoint that it is a common event that can potentially harm us emotionally.
Tatum
Thanks for saying this Tatum. I agree that teaching people how to deal with ghosting is valuable. Also, being prepared that someone could ghost is helpful so one doesn’t enter into anything with blinders. That said, ghosting may be more socially acceptable that it has become normal, but it still is a pretty rude and very mean way to treat anyone. Whether you ghost a friend or a person you are dating, still believe it says something about the ghoster’s lack of character.
If ghosting is the new normal, that’s kind of depressing… I was ghosted-I was going to say three months ago (after a relationship that lasted a year where at points we looked as though we could be together for the long haul) but I don’t really know when: the last time I saw her was in November. After our last date, I called a couple of times, sent maybe half a dozen emails, and wrote a couple of times-no response. I mean none at all. My last email made it clear that I thought it was a crappy thing to do, I didn’t expect to see her again, and wished her well for the future. If someone doesn’t have the grace to reciprocate that wish, then you’re better off out-you know that, and feeling it will follow. I’m glad that I didn’t beg for another chance: it might be cold comfort, but I kept my dignity. And that’s the best thing to hang on to. Without condemning the other person (we all have our issues) accept that it was not meant to be. The future is only scary if you choose to make it so.
Thank you for the great article Nat. I couldn’t agree with you more. It’s true what they say, it’s like you’re in my head! That’s why I love and can relate to your articles. I have to admit I’m on the fence on the actual act of breaking up through. Maybe you or someone can comment on this if you’d like…I have been ghosted a few times and it definitely sucks. There’s no closure, it’s cruel, it leaves you wondering what the hell happened etc..not to mention the urge to want to text or call and find out what’s going on. If you’re anything like me, I literally have to sit on my hands not to.
When I was dumped by my ex, I beat myself up for months (still do at times) for calling him, letting him dump me and letting him see how badly he hurt me and so on. It was truly a shock in real time. I felt as if he stole my dignity, shattered my self esteem you name it. In my eyes, if I hadn’t called I still would have suffered the pain and disappoint from being ghosted because that was inevitable ….but my dignity would still be intact because I didn’t call (shoulda woulda coulda)
In a perfect world, all of us would take breakups gracefully and say ”okay thanks for letting me know, hope you find what you’re looking for”. Unfortunately that’s not the case. Most of us react emotionally in our own way unless you truly don’t care or you’re great at acting like you don’t. I need to master that skill by the way! As strange as this sounds, I’d much rather be ghosted than told ”I don’t want you anymore” among other cliche excuses. I realize it’s all the same in the end but for me there’s a huge difference in thinking someone doesn’t want you and actually hearing it from them. The shitty things he said to me replayed in my head for months and I’ll always remember them. In no way do I think there’s any good excuse for ghosting someone. I just believe it’s all the same in the end plus or minus some verbal communication about it. Am I the only one who thinks this way…. I hope this doesn’t come across as selfish or what not, I just know myself and do not react well to rejection.
Hi Jay
I agree…I think there is definitely a balance, and sometimes it is just kinder to vanish.
I’ve definitely learnt with breakups to never ask ‘why’ when someone breaks up with you. …the reasons really do stay with you, and really they aren’t true, just someone’s opinion. You only need to hear the break up, asking for further explanation is always a mistake…!
Hi Bloom,
I definitely agree with what you say about “asking why”. It seemed like the more I asked, the worse the conversation got. It doesn’t matter what the actual reason was, he just didn’t want to be with ME. I don’t even think they know sometimes! I’m sure I would’ve been ghosted but I decided to call (stupid me) which put him on the spot. My mother has always told me if I guy isn’t calling, do not call him. Why didn’t I remember this that evening ugh
Boo it is definitely not kinder to vanish. When you have had an established relationship and are gone the next day.
That is cowardly, rude bullshit and can be devastating to someone.
Agree if you were going out with someone planning a future, talks of marriage ect and then one day they vanish without saying a word this is not the same as sitting down and being told it’s not working it’s over. Ghosting you still think your in a relationship for weeks trying to call them ect Yes this is the act of a child someone who clearly not a full adult. I was ghosted 15 years ago- bumped into the pers0n 5 years back. I thought they were a nic!e person but I couldn’t get back with him or respect him and funnily enough he married few months after that said the marriage was rough and that 3 days after he was married he moved out as he found something out??? Just a serial ghoster !!
Just a side note, ghosting seems to be the norm these days. So much so there’s a name for it. When did this become acceptable..
When DID this become acceptable? The lack of respect and decency is so hurtful.
Thank you for writing this, I just asked this question on another post. Almost everything you wrote is what he did. We had a mini dispute. We slept together I thought everything was fine. I texted him a few days later and he ignored it. I knew almost immediately he was disappearing and three months later I haven’t heard from him whatsoever. I have not texted him, called him, stalked him on any social media because I literally don’t have any. His bestfriend is my sisters boyfriend (which is how we met and used to hang out) I haven’t questioned his friend about it. My sister is disappointed about it too because it was so unnecessary and she has treated him the same as if it didn’t happen.
Whatever he’s been saying has his friend accusing me of overreacting, he and the ghoster accused my sister of hating him because of me. Are you kidding? Then they went out obviously I wasn’t invited and the ghoster asked if I was coming. Then that’s when his friend (my sisters boyfriend) realized it wasn’t me. I haven’t done anything to him. Its so confusing because we talked several times about ending it the right way and remaining friends so why go to such extent to make hisself the victim and pretty much alienate me from publicly hanging out in that group???
It’s incredibly hurtful and unfortunately I have been blaming myself and trying to figure out what I did wrong.
Don’t blame yourself, as you say he had the option to be a man and end it respectfully. This is tricky situation between your sister but if/when your paths cross just be the bigger person and limit communication. You did nothing wrong except go out with such as child in the first place nowt else to figure out except to avoid these types? He is just a wrong-en, you will see him move on and do it again leave him to it
Natalie- I don’t know what to say except for wow! You were right there with us for the 4 months we were together and then wrote this post. She didn’t technically ghost me but she disappeared quickly and by text and telling me crazy lies so I would just agree with her and say, “you’re right, we’re not meant to be together.” What she did was the most amazing cowardly act I’ve seen from a full grown human in a long long time. She once actually said that she was inclined to “cut and run.” I’m going to bookmark this post and memorize it word for word. Thank you for your service. You help a lot of people.
And you’re right. What she did was a reflection of her and NOT of me!
i’m on my fourth round of NC with an EUM i’ve been on/ff involved with for three years since we broke up after three months of dating. each time in the past i have had some kind of discussion where i explain i am pulling back but somehow always got roped back into a barely there situation that i honestly could not take another day of after three years. this last time i didn’t say a word, i met up with him for coffee one day, came home and decided that actually i didn’t even like hanging around him and i wasn’t going to waste another second of my life talking to this man about how he has made me feel.i then went radio silent the next day without any explanation or anything i just physically could not stomach the situation anymore.
he had two other girls in the mix by now, the two girls he also pseudo dated after me and kept in touch with and even though i was no longer sleeping with him, every social situation was fraught with the tension of all three of us vying for his scrap attentions. we know about each other but none of us were anything to him. i just felt if i told him i was going NC i wouldn’t end up doing it and all he has done for three years is cause me pain.
the first month of NC was awful because i was consumed with so much guilt because i thought he thought i had ghosted him and probably thinks i am an immature person and everything else you have described above. does ghosting even count when you’re not in a proper relationship but have told each other you do care for one another? everytime i have considered breaking NC it’s to maintain some superficial contact so he doesn’t get to think i am a ghoster. we dated for three months and here i was three years later in a ghost situationship full of all the ghosts of unavailable past, future and present that had joined the party since ; there are a lot of ghosts here but i am not it and even though i know that intellectually , still i walk around with this guilt and burning desire to go back to the scene and change his perception of me. i know nat has written on how it is not ghosting when you’ve had the same conversation with someone over and over for years and you’re just tired but i need help in getting rid of the feeling that i am using similar justifications and excuses as a ghoster would. i claimed to care for this guy, i do care for him and i am finding it hard to reconcile that with how i ended the nothingness, even though i am feeling much better now i am out if it. help?
Kookie,
You sound just like me just a week ago. I went through almost an identical situation to yours and it’s been a year since I walked away. After years of ending it, and going back I didn’t say anything the last time he stood me up I just blocked him and haven’t seen or spoken to him since. When I recently was ghosted I wondered too if that is what I did to him or if it makes me a bad person or if it hurt him.
I don’t think he didn’t care about you at all but he didn’t care enough. So you shouldn’t feel bad. I, personally always thought there was so much power in the girl who walked away then the girls who stay in the harem.
The guy I “ghosted” or went NC with now has like 3 kids with 2 different women or something like that and probably still having other women in the mix. So, no i don’t feel bad and you shouldn’t either. Be happy that you were the one that didn’t succumb to the fate of the other girls
Something I keep reminding myself whenever I consider if I was wrong for “ghosting” him.
Thanks Hope,
I think a scenario where I can create a list of justifications for doing something I otherwise would find rude creates a moral slippery slope for me where he could find similar justifications for the awful stuff he did to me. However, when I really think about it the moral “rules” on this matter are more of my need for there to be a clear wrongdoer and a clear victim than actual true rules. Me just going radio silent after a very lovely coffee meet up between supposed “friends who used to date” ( though there was a lot of crap in the background) felt like I gave away my moral high ground to him and now he gets to be a victim or worse he gets to be the sane one relative to my “drama” gesture. It’s a Catch-22 situation cos I would have felt spelling it out for him after all this time too “drama” and yet also find not spelling it out to him and just not saying anything too “drama”. No way around this feeling , it had to be done or else I would have had just had to wait for him to do the right thing by me which would be a cold day in hell. I’m 30 now but I know we could have been having lovely coffee dates once-a-month well into our 60s and I didn’t even want to give him even that miniscule % of my precious life. So far my entire attempt at recovery has been coming from a position of being wronged and a victim and it horrifies me to imagine being thought of as “dramatic” instead .I needed a moral code that kept both of us in clear wrong/right roles which is why I feel mixed about it. Guess I need to decide that I would rather be at peace than “right ” and as much as he did things to me , I did let him ,for over three years so I can’t win the case with “evidence” against him and there is no jury anyways! Time to forgive myself cos that is who I am really angry at.
Good luck to you in your journey far from this mindf***ery!
Kookie- You are in pain, he has treated you like crap for years and you are not even in a relationship.
He has lots of girls, he doesn’t even go through the pretense of hiding.
Why give him any respect, why try and ensure his feeling ok, time to sort yourself out from this low life. Non contact him/ ghost him- leave him. I have been ghosted and I will ghost any body who is playing me as you described and making me feel aweful. Put it this way I am not in the habit of jumping out of windows and breaking my bones but if there is a fire or other threats then yes I will do it and sod the consequences.
I repeat get out, anyway possible, you are walking away fromn this crap you are not abandoning (ghosting) someone who loves you and with whom you are/were having a mutually respectful relationship. You are not ghosting an inconsent person you are leaving crap and reclaiming your self/ baggage!!
I was in love with a pig for many years much like the one you describe. Finally left him, them 3 years latter he tracks me down via social media asking me if I am ever in his neck of the woods to link up. I was flatter but furious, and weak I conversed with him for about a week maybe two then did what I thought was impossible- went non contact/ghosting if you like. Got my self respect back immediately. Still think of him but NC was the only way to remove the tumour, pain was unbearable after 10+ years but now so happy more time wasn’t wasted and am free from the pain, the mucking about ect. Put your feelings first! Good luck! x
Ghosting is the most terrifying issue in dating today. It is almost always done by men, and not after one or two non-sexual coffee dates.
Men are ghosting women in real relationships. Men are doing this not because of poor mental health. They are ghosting because there is no social penalty for just walking away.
The guys you meet on match.com are not in your social circle or friends of friends. They are not crazy, they just dont care.
Men do to women what they can get away with. Women are the ones who experience poor mental health after these disappearing acts.
It shakes your sense of reality when you are supposed to meet your boyfriend for lunch and he doesn’t show up.
He doesn’t call or return any calls and so eventually you get the idea that gee I guess we broke up.
Nat I hope you choose to explore this further, and help us do some extra work on ghosting detox because it is brutal.
I went to therapy a few years ago after my second major ghosting. To my shock, the first thing this young female therapist said, was how often she is hearing this from women in her practice.
She was like don’t even blame you, this is the new social condition in dating. Usually the therapist says ok what role did you play,etc.
Nat, we need some real help. Do you know how humiliating it is when your friends, aunts, say “How was the Police reunion concert”and you dont have a single answer?
We need some tools, psychological weapons…. something.
My new position is the following: no internet dates, period no exceptions.
No dates with men totally unknown to me or my circle. No accepting advances from strangers.
All this crap about being open to men just because they make the first move sets you up for ghosting.
Men are just ruthless skirt chasers and all the books and programs set us up like bowling pins; except for baggage reclaim. Help!
Tatum
Yes, that is a key reason behind ghosting, there is no social penalty. I wonder if its more common in connections that happened through online meetings when the two people involved don’t have shared friends and family to face afterwards.
Tatum, your post was brutal to read, but my god you’ve hit the nail on the head…I totally agree. You make a good point that where there is no link between people’s lives, and a couple aren’t embedded in each other’s lives, this can happen.
Maybe that’s the tell of potential for this behaviour: that your lives aren’t meshing together? So yes, you’ve met his friends, but have you become pals with any of his friends’ girlfriends, for example? What about his family, you may have met his parents and he’s met yours, but have both sets of parents met each other?
I’ve always tended to be in relationships with men who are strangers when we meet (waay before the internet!), but it’s this additional level of connection that seems to happen fairly early on.
Whauw!
Never knew there’s a special term for this.
The man I loved deeply disappeared on me 5 yrs ago after telling me 3 months before (he was traveling internationally) that he was crazy about me and had been for years, and that he couldn’t wait to see me again.
He disappeared to another country, adress unknown, phone cancelled.
After I sent him e-mail he answered with a short message in which he denied everything he had said and done the year before.
While reading that e-mail I went into shock. I was traumatised so severely that I have lost my health, my friends, my home and belongings (was homeless for a while) and my business. I am dealing with bankrupy now and the whole experience is costing me 10 yrs of my life just because he was a coward and lied and my brain couldn’t process that.
It has taken me years to heal and restore my connection to self again. Most difficult thing I ever had to do.
Once in a while I notice I still love him. That’s the flipside of unconditional love – it doesn’t wear off if it turns out to be inconvenient.
I’m looking forward to one day meet a man with courage and true love and I’ll grow to love that person even more than this one.
I’m so sorry you went through this.
There’s a book, that I have to recommend. It saved me. It’s called How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern.
Please get this book, if it’s the last thing you do.
Check out the website from Kim Saaed LetMeReach.com it may have resources to help you. I am very sorry this sick narcissistic sociopath hurt you and caused such a negative result. You are not the problem. He is a sick SOB.
That happened to me. I went out for what was supposed to be a friendly drink with my EUM-ex and we ended up kissing and telling each other we still loved each other. I did not see this as an entrance-point to getting back together, as I do not want to get back with him. However, I did see it as some nice closure for both of us. However, he then denied it ever happened. I just had to laugh during the four years we had been broken up he hadn’t changed or matured one iota. Really, it’s not about you.
Carina, so sorry to hear you went through this. Something very similar happened to me and left me devastated. I don’t understand why people do these things. It really changes a person. Hugs to you..
I seem to get this from women friends many of whom became friends via other people. I am divorced with two long term realtionship behind me for abuse and as a dressmaker and it never ceases to amaze me at how ‘taken’ in I am by their initial contacts to develop a friendship, then come the hints that they need some item of clothing and I get hooked smartly and offer to make them. Often I charge next to nothing then feel angry that it was a ploy that I didn’t recognise. When they no longer want anything they tend to ghost and turn up occasionally almost as if to keep in touch for their own agenda. At almost 70 I still don’t know how to recognise when another is taking advantage of my kind nature. Mind you I put up with it far less these days 🙂
Ok what about the people who just don’t take no for an answer and will not accept the other person wants to be done? Not saying ghosting is what should be done but how do you get out?
Say what you have to say and then block the person. You’re not obligated to keep explaining yourself over and over and over. I’m assuming you’re not living with the person. If so that’s a whole ‘nother deal.
You should have seen the smile on my face when this email popped up! This has been an ongoing topic for me and my single friends, as well as a topic my therapist and I talk about quite a bit. She said that many of her single clients who are dating, especially online dating, get ghosted…men, women, young and old. She did not seem shocked when I told her about my experience.
I asked her if someone like me, who has abandonment and rejection issues, should even be online dating in the first place. She told me yes, that I have to get a thicker shell, and I know she is right. However, I just don’t see the point anymore in talking to guys who are just going to ghost me, whether it be after a few months, weeks, or even after one message online. After awhile it gets to be too much and you start questioning any ounce of self esteem and self worth that you had been working so hard to get back. This all goes back to the ending of my 12 year relationship. We were not together at the end, but still talking, until one day I didn’t hear from him. And I haven’t heard from him in two years. Not a peep. He went right to someone else and married her less than a year later. So a lot of this pain stems from that.
I actually deactivated my online dating account this weekend, even if it is just for a bit, and I have to say I am much happier! There has to be other ways to meet people besides online and I needed a break from the confusion.
I am very excited for your next article regarding ghosting when dating! I’m sure it will be great! Thanks Natalie for all of your advice, always!
Missy,
I deactivated my online profile 2 weeks ago because of the ghosting problem. Like you, I am a little happier, and feel more in control.
Online dating and the “man gets to choose rule” both devalue smart attractive women.
Online dating works for some people, not for me. Also, I’m not going to accept advances out of the blue.
I am going to identify men who I think are worth my time, who stand for something in life, and ideally who also know two people I know.
Then I am going to find out if they are single and if so, get introduced or introduce myself to them.I have closed the door on skirt chasers.
The books and programs that say let the guys do all the choosing are garbage.
Men think they can get any woman as long as they have access and self-confidence. Confidence does not equal character.
Missy, maybe you and I are part of a new trend away from online dating?
If so, I hope I cause misery and low self-esteem to the ghost guys who depend on getting their prey online.
Tatum
It’s not just romantic relationships, Ive had friends ghost me too. A few years ago I was ghosted by a woman who I thought was a great friend. We got along well, went on work breaks together, hung out on weekends. Then one day she just stopped talking to me. I caught her in the elevator soon after and asked her if I did something wrong, why she stopped talking to me and she says “well you know that’s how life is, people come and go”….huh? Til this day I have no idea what happened.
I had a guy friend who did the same thing but he was attracted to me but the feeling wasn’t mutual. I was half his age to begin with. We had a great friendship though. Out of the blue he stopped talking to me cold turkey. I found out later he met and married someone. I was happy for him, just didn’t get why he stopped being my friend. At the time, I even thought he just got tired of pursuing me. On the other hand, we were great friends! I’ll never understand people’s behavior.
Natalie–I just read about my life in this post. Almost 2 years ago, I came home from work to find a letter on the kitchen table from my ex. He moved out while I was at work and moved in with the skank he had been having an affair with for 18 months. I caught him in the affair about a year prior to that day, and we tried reconciliation–but he was never into it. I found out later that he was still in touch with his affair partner the entire time. So, talk about ghosting–he was the master at it. And you described him perfectly. No accountability, no remorse, no empathy for the hell I was going through–basically the affair was my fault–according to him and the lying–wow.
The best part of your post today was exactly what happened to me. I had no idea what his plan was, but the night before his moving out (ghosting plan), we went out to a nice dinner, held hands, talked about the future, came home and had sex and then the next morning before I headed off to work, we talked about our weekend plans. Not a clue on my part……he literally left and we have never spoken. I did try to contact just once — but no success.
Natalie–you are right…breakups are painful, but ghosting sucks! My recovery is going well after therapy, good friends and family and finally I realize how much better my life is now. But what a coward! His “letter” even said, “I had to leave this way because I couldn’t bear to look at you while I told you I wanted out.” Sure….all BS!
Thank you for posting this important topic! It happens to a lot of us and the results can be devastating for a while. Yes, we recover and are much stronger for it, but we are also much more cautious moving forward. I’m in a new relationship but I’m still dealing with trust issues–thanks to the ghost!
“The one who stands to see right through the facade of a ghoster who does not want to see themselves, is the one who’ll get the disappearing act.”
Natalie ! this is the best line, maybe – that’s why it is in bold. : )
Yeah for us and yeah for you and your fantastic writing and your good heart. Thank you for the work you do. The last relationship I had was with a man who seemed kind and sensitive in the beginning (of course, right?) but who just disappeared. And, after I drove two days across country to spend a few days with him. See if you can top that one. I feel like such an idiot that I was snookered into coming to visit, driving all over the United States to see him, and then silence after I drove home. He texted: ‘did you get home safe?’ and I responded and then, nothing. Looking back, yes I can see how I fell into a well rehearsed play of his and that I was too trusting and naive. But then, he knew that and that’s what he played on. He was a con and (I have to assume) did that intentionally. But, I also saw through him which he seemed to like on the one hand – but then, really did not.
Today I feel sorry for him, for someone like that. Who hurts others and is unable to act with integrity and honesty. And I feel sorry for all the other women who fell for his stupid “sensitive” behavior.
Wiser,
I did the same thing with a guy I was dating a few years ago! He was 6 hours away but it was still a drive. The worst part is I had an old car at the time that had some issues but I wanted to see him so bad I made the trip…at night too! Luckily I didn’t break down, although a few small things happened along the way. He was oh sooo nice, sensitive and charming in the beginning too (of course) We had a nice time while I was there.
On my way back, he also texted asking if I made it home okay. We talked for about a week after that, although I could tell he was trying to do the ”slow fade”. Then I made the mistake of asking him about that and poof….he was gone. No reply to my texts. I think he was looking for an excuse to unload me for whatever reason and I gave it to him. I never heard from him again after that. I was so upset I drove all that way to see someone who ghosted me like that. Total AC! Man did I feel stupid. That was the last time I went out of my way for a guy…I’ve done some minor, stupid things since but that takes the cake!
Oh…I also wanted to add that this guy and my most recent ex had a lot of similarities….both were nice, appeared sensitive and VERY charming…not just charming but to an EXTREME charming, almost “phony like”, which is scary in a way….Both of them ended things with me the same way. Great guys then poof…gone! It’s like a magic trick…the disappearing man. It’s scary to think its a cruel game to some of these guys.
PS – I had a great drive across the western states, from Arizona to Montana in snowy weather. So, a lovely trip with beautiful scenery. Even saw some big horn mountain sheep crossing the road right in front of me ! Maybe, the drive was the best part of the trip – along with all the newly gained knowledge. Priceless. : )
I find myself wondering if the term “ghosting” can be applied to relationships other than romantic ones. ( ? )
Both of my siblings have pulled that world-famous disappearing act on me . . . and it all began with the death of our mother four years ago. ( who was highly abusive to me – the eldest child )
I have made numerous attempts to reach out to them and everything has been ignored.
What has kept me particularly gob-smacked is that our relationship “seemed” to be all sweetness and light when I travelled to attend my mother’s funeral. ( They both live in another city. )
I left the day after the funeral and called them once I had arrived back home safely.
Since then it has been nothing but radio silence and I have come precipitously close to making myself NUTS trying to figure out why.
No one picks up when I call, and text messages and e-mails are ignored.
I continue to reach out on their birthdays and during the holidays but it’s pretty much an exercise in futility.
I’m at a point now where I’ve pretty much resigned myself to this new reality.
So, yes, being on the receiving end of the ghosting maneuver is very confusing and painful.
But the time does come when acceptance brings much more personal serenity and peace of mind than ruminating over the unanswered questions ever will.
I’ve had to just let it go . . . for ME.
Natalie, as always thank you so much for this article. It’s comforting knowing I’m not alone in being ghosted from a relationship. I always hear about, and have experienced, ghosting in a dating situation but not a relationship.
We were together for 6 months. I had just met his parents. The night before we talked about our future and he told me about wanting children with me. The next day we went to brunch and then that was the last I saw or heard from him. Then a couple weeks later I get a text that just said “Sorry the way things turned out”. I was so baffled because I couldn’t even define exactly what it was that was “the way things turned out”. I didn’t know what to tell my friends. He didn’t break up with me, he just… disappeared. Did we break up or did we just cease to exist, like it never happened?
People who ghost are such cowards who have no respect for the person they had a relationship with. A true lack of human decency.
I do love what you wrote about ghosters wanting control and avoiding emotions “rather than having to deal with an unpredictable foreign object like another human who they’ve made plans, promises, exchanged bodily fluids with, and inferred all manner of things via the interaction”. I often wonder if my ghost even knows what kind of a storm and tailspin he left me in. It’s now 8 months later and I’m still going to therapy and on anti-depressants.
Do ghosters know what kind of devastation they leave behind? Do they even care? It’s amazing how they can tell you “I love you” one minute and then turn around the next minute and do this. How can you do this to someone you supposedly love?
Thank you for shedding light on this and for letting me know I’m not alone. I’ve waited a long time to read something that deals with ghosting in relationships, and not just with dating.
Evelyn, I had the same happen after 18 months with the man with whom I felt so close, my boyfriend and best friend. I realised later that he concocted a fake argument, so I gave him space, but he shut down all contact with me. No warning or explanation, with my texts conceding that I would understand if he no longer wanted me in his life, and asking him for the sake of respecting me, just to confirm that it was so, he could not even text a yes or no. After 7 months working on my recovery, I spoke on the phone to him and said that I was sorry that he did not feel that he could face me , that I would have understood that he had to do what was right for him, and why didn’t he just tell me? His reply was he didn’t know. He sounded apologetic but I didn’t want an apology or a reason, just respect. All I asked for in the first days of the silence was just to confirm that it was over, I was not asking for a reason. But no reply. The first 4 of those 7 months I was still hoping he had left the door open by not actually breaking up with me and I missed him badly while knowing I had to stop hoping but without the official notice it is so hard to let go. Then when I had been on my own for 5 months, which I adjusted to, I went out and met someone else. I am with a great guy now, but am still suffering somewhat from this terrible experience. I will be a colleague of his again soon, but will never trust him, like him, or think of him in the same way again. He now has to interact with me and I will be adult about it and he now lives with the consequences of knowing he did this thing. After we were so close for a long time it has taken a lot of work for me to trust another person and I am not there yet. The damage is serious and needs recognition for the ghostee. I am doing all I can to focus on my new partner who deserves the best for all he is giving me and doing for me but I have been devastated and now I must learn to trust again. It tears the guts out of you when you are ignored and ghosted then on top of the hurt deal with the humiliation as well. I hope it helps you to know you are not alone. I had Nat to guide me to be self respectful, and a strong and self-reliant person, so I am getting there and the good days are in the majority now. Natalie you saved me, too. Thankyou, as I was in a bad way when I found Baggage Reclaim
I’m a (somewhat) reformed ghoster myself, after I had an epiphany last year where I realised as you said that “People who disappear / ‘ghost’ learn nothing because they edit and erase themselves out of relationships so that they don’t have to confront anything”.
In my defence, my ghosting was a leftover habit from a previous gaslight relationship where any sort of emotional discussion started by me resulted in tears, hysterics, arguments and blaming from him, so as to stop the discussion and make me afraid to say anything.
I realised I needed to gain the confidence again to raise issues with others and have been working on this, with a lot of success.
Can I make a potentially controversial suggestion though? Whilst I wouldn’t ghost if I’d seen someone for over a month or so, I do still do it sometimes where I’ve seen someone a handful of times, and thinking about these times in light of your article, it’s always in circumstances where he is clearly overinvested and overly keen, disproportionate to the two or three times we’ve seen each other. In those cases, it’s easier just to vanish, my logic being, it’s not his fault I’m not feeling it, and does he really need to hear I’m not interested in him (I’m talking literally after a handful of dates), but also because he’s taking things waaay too seriously. It’s just a date!
Maybe we also need to consider, if we’re getting ghosted repeatedly, whether there is a trend in that we’re putting too many expectations on the fledgling relationship at too early a stage? Just wondering what others think?
If I’ve gone on 1-3 dates with someone and it has never progressed to any physical point beyond, say, maybe a light kiss – I think it’s fine to ‘disappear’ IF that person does too. However, if that person writes and asks for another date, I simply say something “Thank you so much for the dates but I do not feel we’re a romantic match. I wish you the best of luck in your journey!”
I do not apologize, there is nothing to apologize. Nor do I say ‘I think’ or ‘I feel like we might not…’ or other qualifying language which leaves the door open for that person to argue with you about it or question your judgement. Then I block the person. I do this so in case the person writes back asking for more information or (as can happen with men) insulting you, I never see it. I have let that person know I’m not interested, and after a few dates that is all you’re obliged to do.
I do realize it’s just ‘easier’ to disappear and I’ve made a concerted effort over the years not to be that person. It takes practice, and it takes some courage. Now I’m to the point where it doesn’t bother me at all. If that person has invested a huge amount after a few casual dates, that is not YOUR issue. It IS your issue to have some integrity.
Diane,
Your method is mature, respectful, and reasonable. I agree that after three casual dates, if you’re not feeling it, you’re not going to.
Bloom
I appreciate your honesty and I think it’s exactly what we need here to be able to get try and understand this issue better. However…
I’ve been on dates with guys where they have been super keen and I havnt felt the same but I’ve never found it difficult to tell them I think they’re great but I’m just not feeling a romantic connection. It’s so much easier and kinder for everyone. We’re adults and I think we all recognise to some degree you don’t get to choose who you are or are not attracted to. It’s very different from situations I’ve been in with a guy telling me how great I am and how glad he’s met me, making arrangements for next dates only to never hear from them again. That’s just odd behaviour.
I guess it comes down to your values and who you’ve learned from. I’ve recently been ghosted by someone I dated seriously for 4 months. I never imagined he’d do that, in my eyes he was a sweet, kind guy who had been hurt himself. His mum walked out when he was a kid leaving a letter and his wife did the same after 1 year of marriage. Turns out he thought it was ok to do the same to me only with a text msg rather than a letter.
I know one reader has said here that if there’s a text that’s not ghosting but I disagree. When you share time, feeling, emotion, sex with another over a period of months, talk about compatibility and see it going sonewhere, and have the other person excited about the future I think it’s only decent to honour the other person with a conversation. I contacted this person after a month with a friendly message, genuine and not ulterior motive and was completely ignored. It’s a brutal, horrible feeling. Basic decency would have taken very little time or effort and could have saved me a lot of heartache.
Natalie thanks again for another great article. I hope there will be a follow up 🙂 x
Yoyo, I’m really sorry that happened to you. Know it is that person’s lack of maturity and nothing YOU did. I just started seeing someone and think he may be all of the things you just said your ex-guy was … but I realize even guys who seem trustworthy, sweet, and mature can pull this BS. It makes dating and taking the emotional risks inherent in dating so much harder when you know that might happen. I don’t know why everyone can’t be an adult but that’s an unrealistic expectation, unfortunately.
Thank you Diane and Yoyo…your mature, dignified approaches have shown me I still have work to do! When you put it as you both have, I feel like a twit for not stepping up and just telling the other person.
Thank you for showing by example 🙂
Ghosting is so cruel because one day they’re telling you how much they love you and will never leave you….and the next they’re gone, literally! Who does that?! Anyone would be confused and want an answer. It really screws with your head and makes you think it’s somehow your fault.
There’s a saying… “How to murder someone: tell them you love them and never talk to them again..”
Didn’t know this saying- but it is so true!!!
(I literally got mentally and physically sick.)
And: Thank you Natalie for all your helpful work!
I don’t think ghosting is just for romantic relationships, nor is it done by men only. I was ghosted by a “best” female friend I’d had in high school. She ghosted on me in college after years of intense e-mail exchanges, phone calls, and me even flying out to visit her although we lived states away by then. Men aren’t the only ones who do this stuff. Women can be just as prone to this kind of behavior.
I got ghosted about 15 months ago by my boyfriend of THREE YEARS. Everything you say is true. It took a long time to see the situation clearly, but yes, he absolutely does not want to deal with any negative emotion of any kind, and it’s been to the serious detriment of his emotional growth. (I found out later this is not the first time he has pulled this sort of thing.) This was a 46-year-old man, by the way. The whole Peter Pan thing is not longer charming in a middle-aged guy–more like pathetic.
Ragazza, sorry to hear that. I’ve read similar stories like this. It’s bad enough when you’ve invested only months into a relationship and then they vanish, but three years is scary! I hope you’re doing better.
Ghosting! Hallelujah. There’s a term for it! That which we can name (and get fabulous support for within an amazing community) ceases to be as scary. Although it’s freaking awful.
All my love to NML and BR for keeping me sane since mid November when I was ghosted in a phenomenal fashion under tawdry predictable (but not at the time to me) circumstances. I’ve been a lurker on the site ever since. But a loving, appreciative lurker. Thank you all for helping me through this tough time. Not big on posting but this one hits so close to home I’ve got to weigh in in case I can help someone in a similar situation not feel so alone. Or insane.
Long story slightly shorter: I met the MM/EUM in May. Out and about on a girls’ weekend. Neither of us lived in the state where we met. You know when you encounter someone who is so compelling that you know you shouldn’t talk with them more than five minutes because you’re pretty sure they have the potential to be a big, ridiculous disaster for you? Like that. (Oh yeah. I’m married, too. We both have young kids. More on that to come.) Well…knowing my flirtatious proclivities, I was a font of strength and left the venue with my ladies at the appointed departure time – about 10 minutes into chatting. I was so proud of myself. Three hours later, and a few more drinks in, we end up at another bar together randomly. Dancing. Sparks. Nothing more. At the end of the night, he foists his card on me. Should I have pitched it? Yes. Did I? No. Too much tipsy fun to be had texting a bit until the weekend was out. The weekend ends; so do the flirty texts.
Ten days later, back home, I get a random “butt text.” This doesn’t really exist, folks, the butt text, that is, but he was advised by a friend to send a random series of numbers and letters to make it appear that he sat on his phone and therefore made contact accidentally. I was amused and flattered and bored and lonely and intrigued; he fessed up to his ridiculousness immediately and asked if he could call. I say yes. My marriage is not in its highest and best connected form right now. Obvi. So begins my slog as the OW! Let the judgement begin! Never saw it coming. Never thought I was susceptible. I am happy to make mistakes for you (mostly) ladies, so you don’t have to! You’re welcome. 🙂 He just wants to know my name, has never met anyone like me, best night of his life, can’t stop thinking about me, you know the drill. He wants to come to my town for dinner. Harmless. Right…
Dinner leads to six months of an increasingly serious relationship. Several meet-ups across the country; texting, emailing, calling, the whole nine yards, regularly and often, in an escalating fashion. Becoming fully immersed in each others lives and feeling terrible about it. Neither of us are habitual cheaters. Well, at least I am not… No flags other than the WORLD’S BIGGEST FLAMING SCARLET BANNER…umm…being married (which I was willing to forgive because I myself am not a bad person and am….umm…married). I am my own red flag. Live and learn. It’s hard when you’re in a rut and you are smitten and consider yourself “non-judgmental” if not sketchy. Sigh… NB: I know better now. I am an idiot. I am paying the price. Unlike many MM/OW relationships, we were mutually signaling that we were on relatively equal footing – neither is all that happy that we even met in the first place because it is too amazing (except that we’re ecstatic because it was so heady and amazing feeling), all seems very real, life altering. Active conversations about what to do about it next so that we are not cheating scum are had daily. Where might we be able to live? (There was a city that made sense.) How to disclose to spouses because we feel like jerks? (I had to stop him several times from doing this prematurely. As much as the stepping out sucked, telling spouses without a plan seemed dumb and not fruit bearing. Again for the haters, I got what I deserved. Wait for it…)
Throughout the duration of the “relationship,” all promises are kept. Even little ones. Calling when you say you’ll call; showing up when you say you’re showing up; being there emotionally when real life stuff was going on…I never felt second fiddle. I viewed us as a better match, even if it was an inconvenient and hurtful one. Objectively, we were actively making choices that supported a life together and disclosure soon.
Then…wham. Late September. My husband finds out. Terrible. But since I am not a big liar, I tell all. I was trying throughout to be asked about it but he never took the bait. I am neither THAT honest as to come completely clean without inquiry nor self-destructive enough to do so earlier. I am not perfect. And it was early days. As bad as it was (and it was bad), I was glad to talk with my husband about it. We were quite civilized and understanding and continue to be. Remains to be seen what we can and want to do with ourselves. Day by day. Finally getting the mental space to think about it. I took full responsibility for the cheating aspect (even though we never had sex, technically) but we both took a nice division of responsibility for how our relationship got to the state where I thought that would be a good idea. Productive. Everyone should try it. No, don’t.
I asked him/told him (husband) that I needed to extricate on my own. Truth be told, I knew I wasn’t likely to extricate but if I had to choose at that point, it would have been MM so it seemed like an okay hedge. That part might not have been such a good approach for (or to accept by) hubby but I was not as invested on the home front then. Live and learn.
MM is terrified. Wants to know what to do. Should he tell wife? Should he fly out? We talk for an hour and a half the next day to try to figure out what to do. Our deal continues apace. Talking regularly all day, every day. Acceleration. Terrifying. But the increasingly logical conclusion (talk with all parties about how we want to be together) is feeling more and more imminent. I never “extracted” any promises about any of this and we never made concrete plans, it’s true. But we were in active discussions about where we could mutually find jobs, looking at specific house listings, and school districts. All seemingly appropriate to the stage of our relationship. It was all so new and wholly mutual (with him driving progress and me right there with him) that it didn’t seem necessary or appropriate to finger wag or browbeat about when it was going to happen or what exact shape it would take – it was steadily leading toward that outcome. I thought we were both in the same spot and he was even more into me, even after my husband found out.
Then….wham. Mid-November. His wife sees some relatively innocuous but too familiar texts. Starts to investigate. Finds some more but I’ll never know what. He says he’ll call the next day. To his credit (?), he does. A five minute report on his wonderful, evolved evening. Tells me all of awful things that they fought about – she hits him, threatens to take the kids away, take him for all he’s worth, etc. It’s a status report of their fight, but nothing more. Not anything about what we will or won’t do; should or shouldn’t do, etc. Tells me “I’ll call you next week.” He’s never not kept a promise to me. Long story short: he never does. Call that is. Or say anything of substance ever again. Done. Nothing. Again. He responded with a single line to an email that I waited another week to send along the lines of ‘I never did anything to deserve this treatment’ with “I have nothing to say and never will.” I made a few gentle attempts as I am literally losing my mind. Remember: my husband knows everything, MM knows that he knows yet is still pursuing me, and then when sh*t hit the fan on his end, he literally falls of the edge of the earth, never to be heard from again.
My story is so laden with issues: Future Faking, OW-itis, EU to high heaven – the list goes on. A veritable BR letter soup. I don’t seek sympathy – I am in counseling, have come 100% clean with my husband, and know that I brought this stuff on myself (hello childhood abandonment issues resurfacing). But the one aspect that really and truly MESSED ME UP was the ghosting. How a decent human could leave me hanging with no information about what the plan was – even if it was bailing forever for whatever reason – is beyond me. I am completely exposed and hanging out there. I am in love. He is in love. Or so he says. I had started to explore and truly grow comfortable with the idea that I am going to be divorced and have a couple of spouses who hate me for a good long time or forever. But it all seems worth it for the end game. To be happy and make a big messy, blended family. But not hearing ANYTHING EVER AGAIN was devastating. I thought I was protecting myself (karmically and logistically) by being honest but it ended up in shambles. Hard to describe just how bad things were for about a month and a half…I’ll leave that to your prodigious imaginations. It BLEW and every day is still hard. At least tell me what you’re doing. And further I think this situation also called for a “why.” His never, ever, talking to me again (despite a very openly communicative, verbose relationship) that I had put my entire life on the line for almost broke me. I know it was wrong (or at least I will acknowledge it was stupid and that these things don’t typically work out and they hurt lots of people). But it – having an affair – was never the goal. Cheating or falling for someone or thinking that a life together was the version that made the most sense in spite of the complications. Like I said, I am a moron and human and have learned my lesson. For all the strident W defenders, lay it on me. But people do funny things for love. Even if I was 100% wrong for engaging and he owed no one a damn thing but his wife, to let it go down this way was inhumane. Oh. And I have “I’m not f-ing going crazy this was all stuff that actually happened despite the ghosting” substantiation a mile long in case he ever wants to go there. Sorta waiting for her to call…happy to share! How is it better to have a crazy, hurting lady (me) out there?
There’s lots of extraneous details I could probably post somewhere else. Let me know if this strikes a chord with any of you and I’m happy to bare my soul.
Pre-NC (my deliberately deciding that I needed to go NC for my mental health irrespective of outcome, not his ghosting), in early January, I sent an epic handwritten letter to his office (there so as not to “get him in trouble”; I had A LOT, under the circumstances, I needed to say, dammit, and for me it helped. Sent it all confidentially. But I did prolong the worst of my torture by doing it. NC is NC. And it’s for YOU, not HIM.). It covered an incredible amount of territory, but the thesis was: it didn’t matter one whit what you needed to do or not do in light of W finding out. It was outcome neutral. What he did owe me, however, was a real conversation given where we were at and where we were heading and given who knew what so that I didn’t have to spin my wheels for six weeks in front of my husband wondering what the hell happened. I laid out a bunch of alternative scenarios about what might have happened. It was pretty funny, if anything. Happy to share if anyone wants to see my crazy there, too. Expressly stated I did not want a response. I did not get one. But it was an important part of my process to tick the box that I tried to be heard. And okay with me if he knew that I thought he sucked.
The armchair psychologist in me surmises that he cares (with possible relegation to “cared”), and wishes things had gone down differently, but if I had to wager he was:
“motivated to cut and run because [he didn’t] want to hurt [his] own feelings. [He] threw [me] under a proverbial bus all so that [he] can box away [his] feelings and draw a line under things, on [his] terms.
It’s about control, as in attempting to feel in control of the situation in [his] head rather than having to deal with an unpredictable foreign object like another human who they’ve made plans, promises, exchanged bodily fluids with, and inferred all manner of things via the interaction. They’re in control of the story because disappearing means that the ghostee can’t talk back and offer up their version of events, plus it also means that [he doesn’t] have to be interacted with.”
Did he read it? Did he chuck it? I’ll probably never know. And my therapist is helping me not to care (see? I am learning, Nat…). It’s horrendous, but it’s been a big period of growth for me.
Silver linings: I get really skinny when I am depressed so that’s nice. I can also get out of bed now. If I am going to stay with my husband, we get the opportunity to start from scratch. Daunting. But we’re both still here.
Will he ever reach out? Who knows? Part of me, clearly, hopes that he’s locked in a dungeon and literally has not been able to communicate. But no more magical thinking. Going to live the life I have here and try to figure it out.
Anywho…thanks to you all for being amazing. Things do get better.
@Unpredictable,
I feel the intensity of your story blasting off the screen. I also sense a strength about you, even though you experienced what probably felt like falling off the edge of the world. And while I don’t condone affairs with or between married people, I will do my best to not write anything ‘judgeY’ as that is not helpful nor why you posted.
If he got the letter, he probably read it. I sent one also, when I was disappeared upon… which is how I received the electronic apparition treatment. I needed to know I gave it my all, put it all out there, clarified how much I cared blah blah. I was talking to a ghost. And we were both single, so no life-altering drama. People flake out. In my case, there was no wife. And then there was no me.
It is quite possible that his wife blocked your from his devices, changed his numbers, emails, who knows. SHE may be doing whatever it takes to save the marriage. You don’t know who you’re dealing with. And that’s okay. Well, it sucks on your end, but if there is guilt on his part, paired with a wife who will do WHATEVER it takes, (even if that means exerting every freaky form of control), voila! this man who promised you everything you wanted has been reduced to a whisper in the wind. And he has complied.
You were willing to change your life for this man. Completely. Of course that’s devastating. You have a great sense of humor that comes across in the telling of your not so funny story. And you have a husband who may or may not be right for you. And your kids- you have them. And it’s so hard sometimes when you DO have wonderfulness in your life and you allow another person’s choice to destroy what think, feel, and believe. It messes you up like you’ve never been messed with before. You didn’t even KNOW you could be messed with like that.
I fell for the consistency, flattery, reliability, attention, calm sweet words and promises. The goodness, the fun, feeling the happiest I’d ever been. I THOUGHT we were both available for each other, until he was done abruptly. I never saw him again and still don’t know why. So I get it… and I believe you and I don’t think you’re crazy. But you’re right- you have to stop caring if he read the letter… Because the outcome did not change. Electronic apparitions did not console me nor give me closure. I don’t know if he read my final grand masterpiece aka ‘manifestivus’ because that ghost never returned. He faded away into his own NICE comfort zone, Servepro style.
Everything you said… Even though our stories are different, I relate to that devastation. Loss of self. I hope telling your story benefits your recovery. You had me smiling through some of the horror with your style- thank you for that.
Unpredictable, thankyou so much for sharing your heartbreak, your honesty and I am so inspired by your courage. We are human, and we love, and we care, and we are mystified when these feelings suddenly hit a brick wall. Like a terrible car crash. Falling in love happens without any control, and it is so powerful, we wish it never found us when it is the “wrong” person, because nature doesn’t care about marriage and inappropriateness. We have established a society of proper behaviour which is lovely, as long as you fall for the acceptable person. You are a real peach so stay brave and the passing of time will fade the pain, it is for me if that helps. I saw this happen to a couple I know well, and they overcame it all and are still together, now retired , they travel the world and it is like it never happened. I so hope your life is good to you from now on.
Hey, unpredictable. I’ve also cheated (unfortunately, more than once) in the context of an 8 year LTR. What I have learned from these experiences is:
1) You don’t pick partners rationally while you are still involved with someone else. If you’re in an unsatisfactory LTR or marriage, then you become really susceptible to the types of men who use excessive charm and flattery to get women into bed.
2) Many men know this and, I believe, deliberately go after unhappily married/attached women like heat-seeking missiles, as they see them as easy to manipulate into bed.
3) If you weren’t unhappily married/attached then you might not see the EUM in an as attractive light as you currently you do. The contrast to a husband/partner who is maybe neglecting you emotionally, or sexually, makes ANY guy who appears to be REALLY interested in you, appear oh so wonderful in comparison.
4) You can’t look for a guy to rescue you from your unsatisfactory relationship. Single men who get involved with attached women just see attached women as a challenge and want the ego boost of getting them to cheat.
However, these guys would never dream of trying to get you to leave your husband/partner to start a relationship with them, because you’ve demonstrated your capacity to cheat, and their ego won’t take on the risk that you would eventually cheat on them, too. This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn.
4) Married men who go after you while you are married/attached are also just looking for sex, but for different reasons. They see you as an ideal source of discreet, regular, top up sex to their own unsatisfactory marriages. As you are also married/attached, unlike a single woman, you have the same need to be discreet as he does. However, while you are thinking that you want to leave your current husband/partner for the MM, the MM never wants to leave his wife, and sees your affair as merely a having his cake and eating it situation, which he has little incentive to change.
Why go to the hassle of divorcing his wife, if he can keep you as a supply of sex on the side? This is basically what happened to you. He tried to placate you with talk of a distant, hypothetical future where you would both leave your spouses, but he never really intended to leave his wife. When his wife found out and it became apparent that you wanted a real relationship from him, he bailed because he never really intended to leave her and his ability to manage your expectations (as Nat refers to it) had failed.
In conclusion, my advice would be see if you still have any feelings for your husband and if the marriage is salvageable. However, please do not do as I did and get involved in yet another affair further along the line. If you’re still married/attached then that means that YOU are emotionally unavailable yourself and, as a result, you will only attract emotionally unavailable men. (It’s taken months of reading Nat’s fantastic posts on this site for me to realise this).
If your marriage is broken, if you end it, be single for a while, and THEN start to date, the likelihood of attracting men who want to use you, while not eliminated, will be greatly reduced compared to waiting passively for a charming guy to rescue you from your bad marriage.
(Truncated name! Same great poster!)
Say Something and Anne – you ladies rock my world. Thank you for ‘getting it’ and validating my experience. In short, ghosting made a horrid situation so, so, so much worse.
E – feeling like I need to respond to you to do my duty in case it can be helpful to anyone else out there reading. I’m going to try to tread carefully and stick to “defending” my points rather than being “defensive” (or worse, defending HIM). Not sure how well this will go but here’s my best shot.
First, where we agree: It’s best not to get involved with married people. Full stop. For a litany of reasons. And if I can’t work things out with my hubby, I will advocate that we end things. It would be the right thing to do at that time. Not that I asked…
Now for the rest: I don’t think you read my posting very carefully, given your response. Or you are allowing your own experience to bleed over in broad-brushing, non-applicable ways, me thinks. While I’m sure that reasonably happily married sex-driven dudes often seek out married women to conquer and I will even concede that that may be the case here (I’ve been ghosted; how the hell will I ever know? Good times.), there are other possible scenarios at play. I have one that I think is most likely.
Given the context clues I am left with (our relationship was moving along apace on all cylinders, him trying to tell her earlier and me telling him to wait a bit, we were both gutted about the cheating aspect (no smug grave-dancing happening), we were both in the same place of not wanting to explode lives but not live sub optimally happily, we were on the *literal* (two days away) brink of seeking advice from folks on how to enhance our chances of avoiding what would likely be a poor outcome, we were not having sex to keep that boundary uncrossed, he was working with the fact that I had not yet left my husband, etc., etc. what I think most likely happened was that when sh*t hit the fan on the home front, he had to really look at himself for the first time in this situation and flipping freaked out and shut down. When called out on what he knew to be terrible behavior, the rose-colored scales fell from his eyes and he had to confront the truth – that he had become a cheater and he disappointed his (very angry and gutted) wife tremendously. I think it rocked his sense of self to his core. I think the easier thing was to completely walk away and hunker down. He’s got a lot to lose. And when you are about to lose it all and be considered by everyone in all of your spheres forevermore to be a big CHEATING JERK WHO WAS STEPPING OUT AND LEFT HIS WIFE AND KIDS rather than being able to rely on a less-loaded rationale for the split, it’s too much. I identify. I think, because we had talked about it, that he sort of thought that she would be relieved and agree that it wasn’t working, too. When she found out, that is. (For the record, I thought that might be my husband’s reaction; it was not. Again, it was convenient magical, justificatory thinking.)
In the aftermath, I think it is likely, his shattered image (self and outward) was so difficult to reconcile that the most palatable version was to make me complete and utter collateral damage. And there’s even a penitent aspect to that which I can imagine him finding appealing on a subconscious level (“I am a good guy. I am a good guy. I am a good guy. I will give up my happiness to prove it to myself. Oh. And for you, wife, with whom I do not connect very well.”). Awesome for me. I think he was a coward. I think he thinks he was a coward. When he thinks about it. Which is probably as little as he can make himself. He wants to be a good guy and husband. He was unhappy. I imagine he still is, but that move took him to the limit of his coping skills. I think I came at things from a similar viewpoint but my reaction was different. Honesty to secure possible happiness versus sweeping under the rug because it was the fruit of the forbidden and “Thanksgivings will never, ever be the same again in ways I thought I thought and talked about but didn’t really feel until that very moment” tree. I think circumstances (how it was disclosed) and timing were huge factors here. Bells that can’t be un-rung. You don’t get a do-over to introduce me on to the scene. In a single moment, done.
And I can’t rewrite history and his going radio silent could be for any one of a million reasons. Including being a happily married sex-aspirational topper upper. Or a sociopath. Or a serial philanderer. Or… Or… Or… Not my place to surmise. I am working on ME.
I think it’s crap to say that highly, highly compatible people can’t meet while married. Like me, he probably didn’t know how fragile his marriage was until we met. And vice versa. And I think this because that’s where *I* was coming from. If I can truly have that perspective, why can’t someone else? Even if he is…gasp!…a…man. I think he and I actually carry similar emotional wounds (easier to be emotionally available to someone who is not your primary partner; we discussed how if we did decide to go for it, we’d need to enter therapy stat to address). You’ll be pleased to know that I am working on that myself right now. He can do whatever he likes.
AND, with all that…I come back to agreeing with you, E, that these “relationships” are stupid. And likely to go poorly. And a sign post that there is a lot of emotional work to be done – personally and with my husband. So maybe we’re not that far apart after all.
Unpredictable (love the tag line),
Yes they chant the ‘I am a good guy mantra’ – silently of course, but it seeps in to our thoughts because that is the twisted message their non-communicative, dismissive actions attempt to make us believe.
I now know the pain of addiction. I know the feeling of non-stop anxiety and the wishing for ANYTHING to make that feeling stop. No sleeping. Eating in terms of single bites as complete meals. Not being able to stop moving and then finally collapsing on the couch and feeling like I’m being swallowed up, becoming part of the furniture because I can no longer move. The heart-pounding panic because something is so terribly wrong. Something is missing. Lost. Gone. Disappeared.
Like you I’ve told my story, infused with self- deprecating remarks, to make it palatable for others. For myself maybe. But the humor is just an attempt to deflect some pain, otherwise it would be too much to speak of or write about without feeling completely out of control.
Did he ever care? Is he a coward? Pathological? Cluster B? A fraud? Just scared? Or this or THAT? Just not that into me? A predator? Mentally ill? Just needed to save his NICE guy image at the expense of his own happiness? Or he was never really happy? Nothing makes sense. The mind wants to know.
My sister IS the OW. And three years later she is still with and living with the MM who DID leave his wife. She was single. For all I know he is still legally married. I’ve stopped asking. And she doesn’t talk about it. They’re both medical professionals, living the life. There really are no rules.
Say Something, wow, you summarized my inner world (guessing, finding explanations, anxiety etc) perfectly. Thanks to BR we can see that we are not alone.
I hang on, because I know of other people, who really got divorced and married a second time and it lasts! I am ready, I live in a waiting position (and I hate hate it), but I know the whole situation IS difficult/ complicated …but I love him. (I`m 40+ and only was with him/returning childhood sweetheart and my hubby for 20+ years who knows everthing) Every day is full of guilt, shame and inner disruption- I know it’s all my own fault, but I just can’t let it go. I guess I’m waiting for some kind of happy ending….
Strange update on my situation.
Late last week, totally out of the the blue, I get a text from ex-MM/EUM’s colleague telling me that I popped to mind because he happened to be in my city and was wanted to know if I was getting on okay after the dramatic and spectacular demise of my relationship with his friend. I was beyond surprised. And suspicious. And curious. You guys get it. Was ex-MM in town with him, too? If no, was he put up to it by ex-MM? Why on earth was he contacting me? And of course, this happens as soon as I am making some serious progress with everything. No Contact is king but when one has an opportunity to have a seance (get it?) that impulse can be stronger than knowing full well from NAT/BR that it’s going to come at a price (i.e. starting the healing clock over from the very beginning). NC is really the only way. But the devastation of ghosting and the desire for answers is too enticing. I am happy/sad with my decision to engage. But I knew in advance I would be. I’ve got a lot more information now…
By way of background, this guy knew about my deal with the MM. I’d tried to reach out to this friend during the initial stages of ghosting because I thought he might be able to provide some insight into what was really going on when things stopping abruptly with his wife’s discovery (there was no end; ends are good; ends are definitive; I got ghosting) with no information about trajectory was killing me and totally preventing me from moving on. Not that it was his job to help me, but with the friend’s vague responses he was really worse than unhelpful. (I subsequently learned why.) I think his – the friend’s gilb, emoji-laden responses about how MM’s wife was really mad and I should just hang tight drove me up the wall so much because this was the ONLY “open” channel of communication and I couldn’t understand why MM did not use it to convey any information to me. (“I love you. Wait for me.” “I hate you. It’s over.” “I wish we could do this, but we can’t. It’s over.” “I’d love a tuna sandwich.”) But nothing. My last text to the friend was: “Please, please just have MM tell me what he wants me to do here.” Nothing. Dignity kicked in and I stopped trying. That was mid-November.
You know how in 19th century British novels there’s usually the dastardly character who turns out to be misunderstood? And the dashing hero who turns out to be a schmuck? (NB: for anyone in/coming out of a OW/OM/EUM/messed up relationship, British classics will make you feel worse. I recommend French and Russian for this delicate time. 🙂 But I digress [often].).
So I respond to the text a few hours after it is sent. I say I am downtown if he wants to grab a drink later. Bold and foolish, I know, but I want to see what he says. He’s got a dinner and is heading to a bar afterwards and tells me to meet up. Says he’ll have a drink waiting there for me. Just BSing and banter. Light. No mention of anything substantive. I have the wherewithal to not meet up. Feeling happy about that. The next day, I text around lunchtime to ask him if he’d had a nice time. Wanted to see what would happen. He says it was fun but he had to drink my cocktail and we text back and forth for about an hour about random stuff until he brings up the MM. After my embarrassing approaches in November, I sure as hell wasn’t going to be the one to bring it up but it is clear that this can be the only reason he reached out. Finally: “What ever happened with MM? Did you ever hear from him?” I told him I didn’t follow. He tries again: “With MM? You know? MM?” I told him the name sounded familiar but I wasn’t sure. I’m a funny girl.
Floodgates are opened. To the extent I was working with a reliable information source (I know there will be skeptics out there – but I am pretty confident I was hearing the straight dope but how can I REALLY know? I fully appreciate that, my fellow BR-ers…) this is what I got from my ghost proxy over an afternoon of texting:
From the context, MM was not in town; did not know friend was texting
Days before things blew up, MM told friend he was in love with me and wanted to spend his life with me and was working toward making that happen. He and MM had a heart-to-heart conversation about me/us about a week before his wife found out. He told friend of his intention to go for it. And soon. Friend and the one other person who knew about the situation both thought it was actually going happen. And they were rooting for it because it seemed genuine, if inconvenient.
When I was trying to reach MM via friend in November, friend was told to stop giving MM the messages, which he complied with. Hence the douchy, non-specific responses, followed by nothing, from the friend.
To friend’s knowledge, MM had never done anything like this before.
MM’s wife does not allow MM to see/hang out with friend anymore because of this situation. They have not touched base since early December. Friend is viewed as having been complicit for having been there when we met and knowing about our deal.
Wife was bcc’d on each of MM’s brief, mean outbound communications
To friend’s knowledge, MM told wife about all objective elements of our relationship (where we met, when we met up, etc.).
MM’s devices/accounts are all still fully monitored by wife. He has no freedom and friend doesn’t see that letting up ever.
Friend thinks that MM refused to find a way to talk to me privately even to end it because he believed his resolve would crumble.
Thinks it was MM’s wife who was trying to get into my email account a few weeks ago
Friend is incredulous/thinks it is terrible that MM ghosted me. He can’t believe that he would react in that way but says people respond to stress differently. He would not have predicted that’s how things would go and is surprised and disappointed in MM. Indicated that I didn’t deserve the treatment I received; that no one does. Friend said it probably wasn’t worth much to me, but that he (the friend) was really, really sorry for how it all went down.
MM did not know friend was going to contact me, but I can’t imagine it won’t be mentioned next time they are on a project together.
That’s about it.
The good: an apology from a friend who knows that MM did not act honorably; that MM cared at the time for as much as that’s worth; I now know for sure that wife was on all communications, it makes their awfulness a bit more comprehensible; that I have someone on that side of the world in my camp; the sadist in me likes that MM is living in a military state – part spite; part happy he can’t easily do this again; part thinking wife will torpedo their chance at recovery by overkill.
The bad: who knows what would have actually happened but it is disappointing to think that but for timing/unfortunate disclosure, it was on the brink of happening…I’m not sure guys tell other guys that they’re planning on doing something like that unless they are…; that he cared; that I’ve broken NC to assuage my need for info. I get to start over. Again, very high price to pay but ghosting is so awful that I’m glad I got some information about what happened.
The ugly: having more information doesn’t change anything. MM is with wife. Whether he wants to be or not. Whether they are miserable or happy. If he is sacrificing his own happiness to be a stand up guy, that is sad because it’s no way to live. If he has authentically reunited and is trying to make a go of it, that has sad elements since I am still roiled and trying to get back into my own marriage while my heart is still hurting. That I am pretty sure friend will report back to MM at some point about our communication. Which will have some effect or no effect. Not ideal for moving on. That MM may be annoyed that friend is allowed to talk to me but he cannot. (I know, I know, that is completely, wholly beyond against NC – full stop – because it is externally focused and adversely affects me. I am working on it. I just could not NOT take this opportunity to rehabilitate my image with this friend and if it bugs the MM, all the better. Huge price and I hope I avail myself of it only once. NC is for ME. NC is for ME.)
Okay. Off to therapy…clearly a fair amount of work to do.
Also, I tried my darnedest to stick to objective, historical info that was within the friend’s purview. Not to make him offer conjecture about why MM did what he did; whether he’s happy with his decision; whether he mentioned whether he still cares; whether he’s happy or tortured; etc.
(Of course, everything I most want to know and precisely what the friend can’t provide.)
Unpredictable!!!
Tuna sandwiches and a seance. Too funny. But seriously…
Friend of MM is NOT your friend. Of course you were going to sop up every single dripping he slopped your way. I think you should not trust him. He is secretly and evasively contacting you. Maybe he thinks you’re available to him? Maybe you think MM will not be able to contain himself if/when he finds out that friend is contacting you (putting feelers out… Don’t trust friend). MM is complying with wife. Friend appears over-invested. You are using friend (don’t blame you) as your seance medium. Don’t trust Friend. Not a friend.
Eat (tuna)
Pray (or hold private seance)
Love (yourself)
Say Something always says somethings that are so sensible. 🙂
There’s not a word in your response I can contradict. Because you are spot on. I am appreciative of the palatable, hilarious, and gentle reminder.
To be candid, I went through a couple of mental rounds of:
“Yeah..but…”
“I know, but…”
“That’s likely true, but…”
“Even so…”
“What I forgot to mention was…”
Prior to typing this. That ended when I realized that actually having a sandwich would be more productive (and delicious) than making excuses for and justifying my desire not to fully extricate.
Merci.
If you had asked me a year ago if I would more likely become a murderer or sleep with a married man, I would have said become a murderer. I never EVER EVER had even kissed a married man and the idea revolted me, despite, of course, being chased by my fair share. Then I went on vacation a year ago and a guy got me at a very vulnerable time (4 years post EUM and still celibate!) and began charming my socks off. I had literally gotten to the point where I was beginning to accept the depressing conclusion that men were just not interested in me anymore despite (I thought at least!) still looking damn good for mid-40s! Anyway, the second this very beautiful man saw me, he began working his charm – and I was already head over heels about 3 days into our ‘courtship’ when he told me (in the middle of a jungle!) that he was married with young kids. I’d had no idea since he never mentioned a wife, kids, nor did he have on a wedding ring. I of course was like “Ohhhh, I did not know this!” and went on about my way. But he continued his flirtations and one night managed to work his way into my bungalow to fix my bathroom door – suffice it to say my defenses finally crumbled. So guess what? Me no judgey-wudgey anyone anymore!! Things happen! We’re all human! Forgive yourself! (and the guy is an ass for ghosting)
OMG,OMG,OMG – Unpredictable, I LOVED reading your posts, and finally I have found a kindred! My situation is complicated too, I’m married, ghosted by my lover of 18 months, and heartbroken. Most posts I have read on this and other blogs are from women who are not married, so I was wondering if anyone else in cyberspace could relate to my story. I would love to share battle scars with you, because I am still in so much pain and confusion over this EU man who led me to believe that we had a future together. I was ready and willing to throw away everything I have with my husband (who adores me, but the feeling isn’t mutual) for this gutless wonder man-child, move back to Ohio from Florida, and give up my cushy lifestyle. I will gladly spill my guts on this blog if you would like another shoulder – I definitely need one too.
Nat, BR Readers, can someone help me out to better understand this post?
I have had a severe habit of attracting friendships in which the other person would always eventually behave aggressively with me crossing the line over to abuse.
After I got healthier, whenever I’d spend time with these people I’d feel nauseated and weak in the knees at the sight/sound of them like I was going to be sick and would recount the times of abuse and how horrible it was (I just blamed myself back when it happened). Even though these people don’t always have abusive “episodes” every time I see or speak to them, they are consistently disrespectful and I fear for my safety. So I changed my number and quit taking their calls. One “friend” I completely removed from my life because she started making racial slurs and to say I was disgusted is an understatement. She then started harassing me calling every day (sometimes three times a day) asking to hang out. I mostly ignore her. Once, I spoke up about how what she says is blatantly racist and she just looked at me square in the eye and repeated the slur. I was sickened.
Anyhow, another “friend” makes false promises and then acts like it’s no big deal when she’s constantly disappointing me or flaking out. (I blocked her on email.) If I try and talk to her about it, she’s typically defensive and just makes excuses plus I am afraid of her as she has shown aggression and control issues in the past.
I feel guilt like I’m disappearing and maybe they’re worried, but overall they have toxic relating habits so I can’t win and can’t seem to have anything relationally decent with them because that doesn’t seem to be what they want.
Advice? Opinions?
Okay! Never mind. I saw where it said things were different if it’s an abusive relationship.
Also, the thing about “ghosting” is that if someone isn’t responding to you (even if they said they would), that means they don’t want contact unless there’s been an emergency. And you can’t control that. Harassing anyone in any situation never works out in the long run and it is extremely abusive. We just don’t have the right. If someone doesn’t want contact with you take the cue and get on with life.
One topic that keeps coming up is control and expectations. I’m getting really concerned at hearing people talk as if they own one another (not referring to BR) and they are owed all of these things that are contingent on another person when they’re not even doing that for themselves. Trust me, you don’t want to have a pseudo relationship with someone you hunt down because you think you’re owed. (You’re not.) Be in a relationship because you want someone and they want you. And if some day they don’t. Tough titties.
That’s fine if you know where you both stand in the relationship. What you are not recognizing is the CONFUSION, the mixed messages that are endemic and cause the devastation and humiliation. When we are left to make the conclusion for ourselves, this being the very essence of ghosting, we then can take action to accept the end of the relationship, which we have to do all by ourselves, because the EUM is incapable of communicating this. I would NEVER have “hunted down” my ex and if he had had the fortitude to tell me it was over, I would have wished him well, and cried privately into my pillow. It is when they cannot or are too dim to give you this information that we are in confused and uncertain territory and WE have to do all the work. Blow off your “tough titties” , and no, I don’t trust you to assist emotionally grieving members to this site. What has happened in the circumstance is that he has led his woman to believe to the last minute that all is good and then pulls the plug because he is incapable of adult integrity and the woman is bereft and struggling to understand what the hell has just happened. It is nothing to do with being owed. It is to do with being blindsided whilst carrying on as usual and not knowing it is all over. To add, I had a wonderful piece of CLOSURE, which is not expected but my EUM is particularly dense, and we are brought together by our sporting club because we play comp table tennis. After 7 months of heartbreak and introspective research by me about how the hell this man thinks, I have discovered tonight at the club, that he actually does still desire me, but he is such an inadequate man that he just deals with things on a daily basis and has the maturity of a ten year old, so tonight he decided that I am the pretty lady that he was attracted to 18 months ago and made it clear that he would like to come back after training for a cup of tea, which is how it all started, but guess what, for the first time, I was more interested in being more about me than him and for the first time I did not feel I had to run up and throw my arms around him and HE wanted me more and I didn’t care. He is familiar, loveable, compatible, he has charm, but the spell is broken, because he cannot follow through, and that old cliché, “love yourself first”, I actually do. I have become slimmer, fitter, way more confident, because 7 months ago, he pulled away. I had to deal with it and now I am better, stronger, smarter, and he is impressed, and I am so intact compared to how I was back then. I now understand that we attribute too much intelligence to the way these men behave. They are pretty much nimcompoops. Two years earlier, the valuable man I loved more than anyone in my entire life ended his own life, because he was seriously ill, and I had grief counselling and I honour his memory. Then I became gradually close to this EUM whom I thought was a safe bet, but ended up being ghosted by him, someone I had decided I could trust. Natalie, you are my salvation. Thankyou again. Take care all of you – I am so grateful for all your contributions to this site. Together we are healing. We have to trust again too xxxx
@Jennifer, although I agree with your logic, I don’t agree with the harassment and tough titties part. I don’t think anyone is harassing anyone here. I think it’s normal to want answers and if writing a letter or trying to call them (within reason of course) is the only way, then go for it. I don’t know of anyone who hasn’t called or written a letter to an ex at least once expressing their feelings or wanting answers. Of course it’s up to the other person to answer. If they don’t, that’s when you have to accept they don’t want to talk to you for whatever reason. If someone doesn’t want us, we have to deal with that whether we want to or not that’s life.
I think what everyone wants to understand is the confusion, the sudden change of heart from the other person. It’s the ”wtf just happened” moment. It’s natural to wonder why it all came crashing down from one day to the next (seemingly). Anyone would want answers. You also have to factor in the time, energy, emotions etc you put into someone who one day just decides to disappear into thin air for their own selfish reasons.
The worst part is these ghosters don’t want to offer up some sort of explanation so the ”ghostee” has to come up with one on their own and that’s the hard part. It’s like a puzzle, except it’s NOT fun…you try to put everything together, take it apart, some pieces fit some don’t. And once you think you’ve got it all together, there’s pieces missing. It’s an emotional process, 5 stages of grief or whatever you want to call it. As lovely as the word ”acceptance” sounds, it’s very difficult to get there. When you say we’re not owed anything, you’re correct. However, I would think it’s just common human decency to let someone know what’s going on.
Jennifer,
Agree with some of your thoughts but it seems like the ghosting comes after an experience of a relationship where in retrospect – maybe the other person was not intending anything of the sort. Or, was but then wanted to bail and get away without any explanation.
Don’t think we are talking about taking hostages, just that an intentional deception or avoiding an honest breakup is what is hurtful. I look back and feel that what I thought was a relationship was just a long played out con game and that he had (apparently) done this many times before. At least, that is the best conclusion I can come to today as it is still hard to understand. An intimate relationship of some time deserves a reasonable goodbye.
Agreed Agreed Agreed, Wiser.
Looking back at all my “boyfriends” I realized, I’d never actually had a boyfriend.
Jennifer, I’m with you there!
I had a ghoster that I kept taking back time and time again. He owed me a lot of money and that was the excuse I used to keep contacting him. He had a pissy little plan in place where his work would take out an amount to put in my account each week, which would eventually pay back about a third of the total he owed. But 6 weeks ago it stopped. He said it was as a result of his payroll manager and it would be fixed as soon as she came back. It didn’t so I rang the payroll manager to find out what was happening. She told me that he just stopped it before christmas and was going to start it again this week. I was so annoyed that he lied to me and deliberately withheld it when I needed it most. But he has now said he is so embarrassed by me ringing his work and that nobody in their right mind would ever do a thing like that. I regret doing that, but now he says he hates me so much and wishes he had never ever met me because I am unstable. It really hurts me and I feel very anxious, can’t sleep after getting a cruel text from him at midnight last night. I know I needed to cut all ties with him and maybe i have subconsciously done that by doing something that he would never forgive, but I am still feeling very wounded by his abuse and hatred of me, probably because I know i was in the wrong with the phone call. To be honest it doesn’t compare to the amount of BS that I have forgiven, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about my actions and now the hatred I am receiving for it. I have rambled, but my head is spinning.
My question after reading this article is, “Is it called ghosting if you tried to effectively communicate with the other person 3 times which resulted in time apart, their behavior becoming worse and more hurtful each time, that another conversation just seemed bleak, pointless and made me fearful of more pain so I cut him off…blocked his number, e-mail and all social media?”
Ghosting seems to be such a common phenomenon lately. On the website, the Mirror of Aphrodite, it was the most popular post with over 2000+ comments about this “disappearing act” that the host had to create a part II for this dynamic. I read Natalie’s posts and the posts over there and it’s so much more common that we would ever think!
Also, ghosting happened to my friend, after seriously being with a guy for 9 months. He insisted her entire family fly over to his state to have family Thanksgiving dinner together. So her brothers and parents and herself, all flew over to this state, only for him to ghost 100% after that. Never called her again! It took my friend so long to recover from that, it’s downright traumatic.
I was future faked and ghosted over the course of 4 weeks. He was the first date I went on after getting out of a 4 year relationship back in July. We both noticed each other at a bar in December but he didn’t speak to me and I didn’t speak to him though I did ask my friends who he was. He later asked my friend about me on facebook and friended me the following day. After a few days we messaged over facebook then exchange numbers. We went on an actual date Dec 16 and had a great time. We saw each other 5 or 6 times in a week. We talked on the phone for over 5 hours Christmas Eve which I can’t imagine how because I’m not a big talker. The chemistry and physical attraction was in high gear for sure. From that time to around New Years he was really laying on thick being complimentary, future faking about doing this and that. He said all the right things and I though we had a lot in common.
Fast forward and I saw him Jan 6 and 8 but only long enough to *hook up* (yes I jumped into that too fast). I haven’t seen him since but we were texting still though the texts changed. The frequency changed, the compliments disappeared, little stuff like good morning beautiful changed to good morning and I was texting first where as before he would text me first. I would text him good night and not get a reply at all not even in the morning to tell me he fell asleep or whatever. So I started getting that feeling that something was up. And I barely heard from him the following weekend.
So the following Monday (Jan 11) I asked me (through text) if he wanted me to leave him alone to tell me and I would. He said no why would I say that blah blah blah. Then I felt dumb for asking. I don’t have my kids Mon/Wed and he knows that but when I mentioned something like I cooked so and so he texted how he had a bad headache and was about to throw up. That Wednesday he was working on something and when I asked him if he was finished (didn’t ask to come over, just trying to make conversation), he said yes but now he’s working on a car. So that told me he was dodging me before I could ask him to come over.
That Friday I asked him to lunch and he said no.
So now it’s the weekend when I don’t have my kids. We’d made no plans for the weekend. We texted Saturday morning and he said he didn’t know what he was doing after work and I said I had no plans. That was it until almost 6 that night. He asks me have I stopped talking to him?!?!?! So we had a text conversation for 3 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And during that time I asked him why can’t he just call or come over because this texting is BS. So I was done after that finally ended and I figured he was done too.
Sunday afternoon I get a ‘let’s be friends’ text. To which I replied how he was a coward for sending me that in a text and some other stuff. Over the course of the week, I deleted his texts and contact info, unfriended him and coinicdentally I get a ‘how are you’ text within an hour or two of unfriending him. So another pissing match via text and by the end of that the topic of being friends comes up again.
I don’t hear from him again after that but I see him on the highway one day with my kids and blow the horn at him and they wave at him. He texts me after that and says he wishes I would *talk* to him. I told him I reply to his texts and I blew my horn at him being ‘friendly’. And he says that’s not what he means. UGH. WHATEVER DUDE.
I think it was about the chase. He knows I am done with him and now he wants to *talk* (whatever that means) again.
I don’t know if that qualifies as *ghosted* but it felt awful to be ignored and not knowing what the deal was especially after I flat out asked and gave him an out!
Stop texting. Tell him if he wants to talk, he can call you, you have gotten rid of your text message capabilities. If he wants you, he will call. But I would expect silence. And do not answer any texts. Please read all of Nat’s posts on “lazy communication.”
Yes, Dianne! Exactly. Lazy and cowardly! And I told him so during my rants. lol. Thanks!
Is it ghosting when there was no deep connection? I am guilty of ghosting my long-time single EUM acquaintance. We sometimes do favors for each other…but there is no emotional closeness. He only calls to dump and charge up, and he last called a few weeks ago and I did not pick up. Prior to this January call, he phoned me in August, around his birthday, to tell me that he’d been laid off in May. I had phoned him in March to tell him about a falling accident I’d had the night before, to which he immediately countered with his water heater breakdown that had also occurred that same night, and the conversation was all about how he dealt with that repair.
I’m trying to improve my lot in life, and I read that we are as successful as the five people we spend the most time with, which is why we have to choose friends carefully. I didn’t talk to EUM when he last called because I knew the routine…he calls because he’s bored. I don’t want to be like him, yet I fear that I am very much like him. I think I want to disappear from his life, because he’s been a habit that I fell into simply because there is nothing else in my life.
Hi Elgie,
Maybe the effect of ‘ghosting’ can only be measured by the ghostee. So if you really have no emotional connection with your EUM friend, perhaps he is not affected to the extent of a hard-core disappearing act. Sounds like you’re annoyed with his selfish behavior, and that maybe the non-communication/ ignoring him is because you feel unappreciated more than you are too cowardly, secretive, and avoidant. I bet if he asked you, you WOULD tell him. I guess it doesn’t matter so much what *it’s* called, but to me, when one person SUFFERS because another person disappeared (possible after future faking and/or fast forwarding, gaining the other’s trust, pretending to care) without clear explanation that’s full-on ghosting. Some ghosts are almost humorous, while others are demons that haunt for a lifetime.
@Saysomething….I’ve been reading your comments and some things jumped out at me, besides the fact that our stories and aftermath are similar…when they use the ”I’m a good guy” mantra. I thought and was told that too of course and I think that’s where things get twisted in our minds. We think ”how could he have done this to us when he’s such a good guy”. I still think my ex is a good guy, I’m still putting him on a pedestal and maybe that’s the problem. I keep thinking I ”lost” a good guy and now he’s an even ”better guy” to someone else. Also your Servpro ”like it never even happened” comment. I couldn’t have said it better! I can totally relate because my ex treats me like I don’t exist, like it never even happened…like you, I know that pain all too well because I deal with it every single day and it feels never ending. I hope it gets better for you.
@Jay,
Dayummm! I spelled Servpro wrong! Yes I’ve torturted myself believing I ‘lost’ the BGE. I believed him and trusted him so much that I allowed myself to believe that he had to rid himself of me for good reasons of course. Whatever he decided MUST be righteous, because …. he is thoughtful and caring. He likes me. He won’t hurt me.
I was just W-R-O-N-G. Yes, Servpro style ghosting.
@Saysomething…yesss I felt the same way. I never ever imagined him hurting me because he was oh soooo nice, and cared about me blah blah blah. He was my friend as well and we spent almost everyday together so there was no way he could hurt me right? Wrong, DEAD wrong. And where is he now? With the girl he left me for. Gone…just like that.
I am guilty of doing this myself I’m afraid, and I’ve thought a lot about why. It certainly has a lot to do with fear of confrontation but also about taking responsibility for other people’s feelings and reactions and feeling overwhelmed by it.
The most recent occasion was with a friend of 30 years. Our friendship started to break down over the course of about 18 months – there was no mutual respect there at the end. We did have a meeting to clear the air and spent 5 hours talking about everything but. Then just as she had to leave we finally did discuss some things – I started to raise some issues that I had with her behaviour and she burst into tears and that was the end of the discussion for me. We didn’t pick up that conversation.
What I realised from this is that we had a codependent relationship where I repeatedly took responsibility (or felt deeply responsible) for her happiness and she took that for granted – always assuming I would be there to look after her. Even though I can tell other people (finally!) when they upset me and we can talk it out, I just couldn’t do that with her. The thought of upsetting her was just too much to bear, even though some of her behaviour had upset me badly. And that in itself made me realise something was badly wrong – not a normal friendship. So I walked away from it. We say hello in the street but otherwise I don’t contact her and she doesn’t contact me.
This is in the nature of a confession of bad behaviour since I know I didn’t handle this well. However I also feel and hope that it is the outcome of a lot of work on assertiveness and hopefully I will never again be in the position where I feel so responsible for someone else that I can’t talk to them at all about how I feel.
You live and learn 🙁
Hi Kriss
The ability to take ownership for your actions is the first step to changing. The best apology is changed behaviour.
I had an individual who I thought was a friend do this to me a few months ago. We were dating men who knew each other. Her relationship ended and I was there for her, my relationship ended and she disappeared on me.
I don’t miss the friendship because she is clearly not a good friend. We live and learn.
Every time I feel down and myself esteem has taken a blow I can come here and read a post that builds me back up. Thank you.
My ex ghosted me…twice… and i blame myself for this. After proclaiming that everything was okay with us, I found out the day after on social media that he was getting married and expecting. Two weeks later he sent me a text saying he couldn’t do this any more and that he wish me all the best and most importantly hope I found happiness. I tried calling him immediately after the text, no response. I took matters up on myself and deleted all mutual friends we had on social media. Six months later he contacted me telling me that he did not plan it but the girl got pregnant and he thought the right thing to do was to marry her. I got a forced and insincere I am sorry. He told me that it was okay since now i knew that he was getting married that I knew nothing would happen between us so we could continue talking. Against my better judgement I went ahead and I continued talking to him. I knew better hence I blame myself.
Then he ghosted me again. One month after his wedding I am seeing photos of him and his family (posted by the photographer and liked by people I follow who are not mutual friends of ours, but I see photos my friends like) happily ever after. I feel stupid, I feel embarrassed and I blame myself. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Myself esteem is taking a beating (I am doing the 100 days of self-esteem course, but it is still so hard). I knew better I knew that I should not have let this man in when he first ghosted me but I decided against my instincts and judgement. Its tough when you know something but the world is telling you that what you know is false. The world is saying what a happy couple but I see a marriage which foundation was already built on a lie and a man who lacks integrity. Yet, people say what an upstanding man. An upstanding man would close chapters and be honest and not decide to take the coward way out. Even though I know these things the pain is still unbearable and I can’t stop beating myself up.
The article and this site makes me know that I am not crazy. My perception of love has changed drastically. Single people are not lonely and unhappy and people in relationships are not unlonely and happy. People will tell themselves lies to make themselves feel better and there are others who will refuse to face the truth. But when you see people for who they really are, you are made to feel and think that you crazy.
Unpredictable! Thank you for sharing your story, also Nat for putting this topic up. I was ghosted by a co-worker (single not married). It was an affair, not proud of it never saw it coming, marriage not at a good place, had so many problems at work, AND HE WAS JUST THERE. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. He was my confidante, my cheerleader, my sanity at work … we were just co-workers. And then we were not. After work dinner led to long talks, and let’s just say “sessions” (but not sex). Said all the right things, gave all the right ego-strokes, knew I was vulnerable and provided the crutch I needed whether it was genuine or not now I will never know.
Like Unpredictable, I was WILLING to consider a separation because of how I felt about us together. He did not attempt to future fake me but he led me to believe that he could be interested to pursue a RELATIONSHIP despite knowing I was married and I somehow got to a point where I convinced myself we were a BETTER COMBINATION TOGETHER.
Then my husband caught us. THAT incident accelerated what would become the demise of whatever it was we had. He lent no clue that he was about to ghost on me, he was attentive and understanding and even got into detailed discussions with me after that incident. So I felt safe, and I told him that I wanted to right my wrongs, and I asked him point blank if he would stand by me, I cannot recall his exact reply but he said all the right things and that we will talk some more in the following week. And then BAM! HE GHOSTED. So here’s the thing – If mobile devices today enable the ease of communication, then it follows the lead time we give to the other party to get back to us should be significantly shorter (because it is that simple to just make that contact!). SO I decided I will give him ONE WORKING DAY to contact me, and he never did and mentally, I was done with him on that day itself. Especially after I had poured my heart out in an intense conversation about my feelings for him and my intentions to separate. If he could actually ghost me right after that, I’m pretty sure he could ghost me on anything else in life. HE NEVER GOT BACK IN TOUCH AND I NEVER GOT BACK IN TOUCH EITHER to ask what was going on. I figured that’s the least I could do – to RETURN his ghosting in kind but quite frankly that does not help in my own recovery at all.
It is the AFTERMATH for the GHOSTEE, months and months of psychological trauma that we are left HANGING to figure out for ourselves, to pick up the pieces of what is left of our fragile egos and our precious self-esteem and to rebuild our emotional selves. As strong as I am, there are now extremely hard days that I will just break inside (today is one of them and I simply cannot concentrate on anything at all), especially the days when I miss having him around my bad days at work where we would just chatter away and I think we were so good together but now there is no chance of anything of this sort because he is a PROVEN MORON. The heart feels hollow and empty, and the headaches would come like crazy because fighting the urge to reconnect.
I would really appreciate it if Nat could do an article on how to fight the urge to reconnect in the instances where you are forced to work with and/or see your GHOSTER every.single.day (but he is doing his darnest to pretend like you never existed and runs to avoid you at the corridor). Also practical tools to build up our defense mechanism in the aftermath of being ghosted, even months on afterwards. Thanks Nat! You are the best! x
Wow!!!!!!! i feel your pain. The only thing i can tell you is that it gets easier. As one who was ghosted myself, I did your same strategy, I ghosted him back. While it still hurts, you have to know that you are doing it for you. Somebody like this is not deserving of your time, energy and even a thought throughout the day. I went from constantly thinking of my Mr. Unavailable to thinking of him one time a day and I cannot wait until the day when somebody speaks about him and I am like who?
You have to take small steps first before you take the drastic days, do a little things every day. Sometimes I write to him and never send it, sometimes I have conversations to an invisible him, and sometimes I just do something for me that would advance me every single day. I always think one day this idiot will be back and that day I will be strong enough not to go back so I have to build my empire. You are doing it and you are not alone so please hang in there. It gets easier.
@Belle, thank you so much for your encouragement xoxo Big hugs to you (!) and please know that I feel your pain too. Of late, because I’m trying so hard to keep up my OWN ghosting efforts (trying not to backslide but it’s really hard since he’s just right there pretending not to be there, you know what I’m saying?) – that all my efforts to not backslide has taken a toll on my physical health. I’m taking meds now just to calm the physical pain. But I am determined to be fine. Anyway will keep you guys posted. Grateful to Belle and all BR readers, it’s just really REALLY comforting to know I’m not alone in all of this madness and thanks to Nat as always! x
To acknowledge Natalie’s wisdom, I have to share that – he’s back. The Bait and Switch: Edging, asking what I did on New Year’s Eve, generally sniffing, saying he has been all alone, a tap on the arm, and claiming he will bring me some of my favourite tea. WHAT !!! After 7 months of silence, ignoring and vanishing. (It put me into hell) A 48 year old, never married.
Thanks to your posts, Natalie, and the No Contact ebook, I have a clue – thankyou or I would be insane.
I happen to have met a new man to give my time to and he is a stark contrast – secure and generous in all respects. I had to work on myself to relate normally to this luxurious treatment, and learn to trust again.
Even if I had not met someone else, my self esteem is healthy now for the first time in my life, and I can live without the Vanisher. He has not realised it yet as I will not show how much I suffered, but I am now the Unavailable Person.
Thankyou Baggage Reclaim.
And Nat = I thought that my EUM was the exception – but – you were right – I did not believe he would be back after he point blank shut down for so long. I thought my EUM really meant to end it. This demonstrates the head-messing these men are capable of.
After 6 months I did no contact, my Assclown came back texting me at the exact moment I was starting to feel really good. Unfortunately I gave him another chance….and now, after 6 months we were seeing and writing again, he s ghosting, completely disappeared from one day to the other and I have no idea how to keep my mind busy to resist texting him…hard times, but thanks for your post, it gives me some faith 🙂
In the last couple of years I’ve had two ghosters. Both were long time ‘friends’. They both disappeared after I stood up for myself in a calm and respectful manner after years of passively accepting their BS. What hurt was what it revealed, that they weren’t really friends. I’m much more selective now of who I allow in and who gets to stay.
This post makes me feel marginally better, cuz I just went through this. I posted about it online, and the substance of what I could have done wrong was:
1. I admitted to a friendship with an ex.
2. I admitted to a bankruptcy.
3. He hinted at making out, I was not interested.
4. I seem immature in my texting and come across as passive aggressive so I should work on how I come across in text. (How? Not stated.)
5. I called him “my guy” after only 3 dates. (Super embarrassed about that!).
OR he’s just too busy
OR he’s not that into me (three ppl said this one).
Well, I’ll hold off on admitting baggage till after three dates, and I’ll hold off on calling the dude “my guy” (cringe!). I am inexperienced and will come across that way, I can’t help that.
After 3 years of ups and downs, of the regular “2 weeks desappearing”, my Assclown is ghosting me since weeks and I think this is definitive…I am unable to concentrate on anything else and wondering everyday what I did wrong and checking my phone every 2 mins. So hard to let him go and just think this is the best for me. I thought I would deserve an explanation at least…But thanks for this post and all the replies, this helps a lot!
@Slig, you did nothing ‘wrong.’ He’s emotionally unavailable and can’t handle it when you two are developing too much emotional intimacy so he disappears into the void until he can relax. (He’s probably also got a side chick he sees during that time.) Please read ‘Men Who Can’t Love’ and ‘When Love is a Lie.’ In the second book, the woman got treated like this for 12 years! Do you want that? After 3 years, he is not going to change, trust me.
My partner moved out without telling me last year after 3 years of living together,no explanation!
It is still very painful for me and I;m finding it hard to forget him.
He is now dating a girl 30 years younger than him!!!This post helps me understand a bit about what went on in my situation.Thanks
Dear Nat
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for a post that really struck a chord with me, and it seems, many others. Ghosting happened to me a few years ago, although I don’t think I even had a term for it back then. I feel that I’ve only truly recovered three years later, thanks to extensive BR reading & its lovely readership (thanks to those that know who they are, too).
I’ve bumped into my ghoster multiple times (whaaaat, who knew he still existed!!), who just ignores me in person. Charming. He is continuing to live the lie, it seems. As your post & these comments indicate, the traits common to ghosters are a lack of integrity, kindness, and human decency.
While I don’t frequent BR as much as I’d like to (or did in the past), I still come here as often as I can to get my regular & much-needed NML dose. Best wishes to you, and fellow readers (now & from the past). With the strength I’ve got from BR, I hope I can spot a potential ghoster, or at least maintain my boundaries & am alert to, and wary of, red flags, so that I never have the misfortune to experience these types of men again. If worst comes to worst & something similar happens ago, at least I can be assured that it wasn’t about me, and it’s all about them.
Love Nel
Hi Natalie,
This is my first comment—It’s long and I’ve shortened it quite a bit, but hopefully you’ll understand what I’m trying to share. I’ve read most if not all your posts related to ghosting, assclowns, the unavailable people, red flags, etc. Here goes:
I let him decide everything, what we did, when, the affection, etc. I thankfully did not sleep with him, never even took my clothes off, which honestly is a first for me, but I decided a long time ago to wait until it felt right and it just never felt right with him, even though there were moments of joy, tenderness, and attraction, something about it just felt wrong. We were open about waiting, it’d only been about 6 weeks, but he loved to hit the reset button.
So I guess why I am writing this super long post, is to ask—have I ghosted him by going no contact, or is my no contact valid? After reading this your post I’m so confused. I feel guilty now. More so, because he texted me yesterday to ask if I would have breakfast with him today (Valentine’s day) and that he missed me. I cried when I read it—I was PMS-ing, but still. When I read it again, I realized he only used “I” statements to describe the dish he said he still had of mine, the miss you etc, was detached and without any reference to him being connected to me in anyway. It wasn’t short either, he used complete sentence to describe the dish, but not his invite and missing me. And I just didn’t have a good feeling. I haven’t seen him since Jan. 16 and I haven’t talked to him since Jan. 18, he texted me once a few weeks ago to let me know grassfed beef (something I usually buy) was on sale at the market. I didn’t respond. He called me last Friday night, and I think he might have been driving behind me when the call came through (my ringer was off so I didn’t see the missed call until I was home, but it came thru the same time I swore I saw his car in my rearview mirror and “felt” him behind me.
I want to be fair to him. I feel compassion for him, but I’ve also never felt so terrible about myself. I’ve cried more since I met him than I have probably in over 10 years combined. I feel unraveled and that is not me. I’m not okay with it. It’s why I decided to go no-contact. But every time he reaches out, it takes me a week to get over it, and I’m back at square one again. And now this weekend it hurt deeper, because I wanted it to be true. I want him to miss me. I want him to have empathy. I want him to be a kind, good-hearted man. And if he was, I would have called him or texted him back. I don’t think he’s a terrible person. But he’s definitely not good. He lied to me, he manipulated me, he called all the women he’s been with stupid whores, but assured me I wasn’t one because I’m different, I’m smart, etc—but he still discarded me when I wouldn’t sleep with him on his terms, which means, just being something there for him to get off on. It was clear to me that last week we were together, that I was like an appliance to him, I only existed if he needed me for something, and that is how I have described my mother, once I realized, with the help of a therapist that she was a narcissist, and that I needed to accept that I was an object to her, that to her I didn’t have feelings. I’m still not sure how to accept that. The only way I can is to see her as a human rather than a mother, but it was devastating, that this guy who I connected with, who seemed like a match, would treat me the same. Well it just hurt so bad that I would choose someone like that after knowing how awful it felt to have a parent like that. I was pretty ashamed of myself. Why would I want a partner who is that way too? I mean, I get it now, that all of this is a great lesson. I’ve learned so much. Last month I wrote nearly 46,000 words. And that was what saved me, not the catharsis that comes with writing, but the fact I detailed everything; the truth had been there and I had seen it, felt it and documented it. I was just ignoring it, making excuses for him. I felt free, I started to feel healed… But YET all it takes is a text message with him acting like he misses me, and then I fall apart.
I just don’t know what to do. Should I clearly state I want no further contact, or just remain silent? The first time I said goodbye, he asked if we could meet and talk about it and next thing I know we’re in a non-relationship relationship and he acts like I’m his girlfriend for a week or so then hits the reset button and it’s a constant emotional rollercoaster. And I just had to get off. I mean, I was starting to lose myself. I was doubting everything in my life. I went from being grounded, joyful, happy, and energetic, to depressed, actually thinking about suicide, quitting my business, leaving, I just wanted to walk away from my life, feeling like the ground had just been washed away. I didn’t connect right away that my insomnia and GI issues started again when I was with him. But after a break from him, I felt better. One text, call, or hangout and it would start again. My mind was so hopeful, so willing to make excuses for him, but my body knew. I guess I’m just hoping for guidance to help me let go of my guilt for going no contact. I don’t think I can even say why I need to do it, because I can’t talk to him, I can’t see him, I just lose my power. I hand it over to him like it belonged to him in the first place. It’s a small town and I know no contact will likely not be forever, but I need it now, at least until I feel healed, like I can scrub my soul.
One of my friends said he was trying with his text yesterday, that maybe I should have gone to see what he wanted to talk about. But I just didn’t have a good feeling about it. She didn’t know what had happened the past month, so once I told her she understood why I was feeling the way I’m feeling. But I did start to wonder. I don’t want to be a the one ghosting, I don’t want to hurt him, but at the same time, if he was a good guy, if he genuinely missed me and wanted to spend time with me, he would have called me, or after me not responding to the text would have called to make sure I got it. Because in the past, he would have called before texting me, or if I didn’t respond right away, he’d check in.
Prior to me going no contact after our disturbing phone conversation 1/18 I never not responded to him before, and he’s a very intelligent guy, so I know he knows that I’m purposely not answering him. I just want to do the right thing—but I think I’m trying too hard to do the right thing for him instead of doing the right thing for me, which is no contact. I hate the silent treatment, my mother used to do that to me all the time, and I won’t inflict it on someone else. I just don’t know how to tell anymore, if I’m doing the right thing out of healthy fear or fear because of old childhood stuff. He never threatened violence against me, but he described his wanting to hurt the mother of his child—that was my last conversation with him, and the reason I decided no contact was the safest, best way to go. But am I really ghosting…is he thinking I’ve just left him hanging, or does he even care? Thoughts?
Just thought I’d give an update, because something interesting occurred. I decided to be more clear and sever ties–or so I thought. I texted him to keep a dish he mentioned he had of mine, didn’t hear from him, and then I dropped off a dvd he gave me and texted to let him know in case he forgot (which he did) but to also initiate a final conversation to alleviate my guilt about ghosting him–which it did-kinda. Well, in true assclown fashion it came down to this: he didn’t remember the last time we talked/hung out–and that he’s been seeing a bunch of women and wanted to tell me about how it helped him learn how terrible he is towards women (he already told me this on the 1/18 convo–not news!) and that he wanted to apologize if he treated me badly. Then he said his little Vday invite worked because it only took me a week to contact him afterward. At which point I told him it was for closure, that I didn’t want there to be any reason for him to contact me. He didn’t take that well. He wasn’t nasty, but he said he wanted me in his life any way he could have me and wants to be friends. Of course. But not just friends, besties–and he’ll pimp me out to his friends…seriously–his words. Because we’re not into each other like that but- he loves me, he like-loves me, and could be with me forever. Huh?!
Basically 2.5 hrs of circular conversation and learned a lot about me–I was at least relieved, but still was annoyed I let my ego get the best of me. Onwards and upwards!! :). Lessons lessons…
So, I think personally–it’s only ghosting if he/she is healthy–if you’re dealing with an assclown, ghosting is actually healthy no contact.
Came across this site/article trying to figure out what my xgf had just done. The article hit everything to a T. The day she broke up with me she held a blanket over her head and said she couldn’t talk about it. Had a new guy set up on the side that I found about later. During our relationship I paid some of her bills due to no child support from her ex, paid for clothes, paid for a lot of stuff and the BANG. Dropped, screamed at what I was always wrong about, character assassination to mutual friends. I am still trying to figure this out and what type of person does this to someone. Even now, she will try and get me to pay for repairs at her house, I won’t do it. Sad issue really to see someone with this type of behavior.
She had a blanket over her head? WTF?
Talk about burying your head in the sand!!!
Dear Nat:
Help!
We need more intervention on this ghosting issue. Ghosting is how it is, and how its going to be. So how do we deal ? How do we teach ourselves to date with shock absorbers, so that when the time comes, we are not leveled for years afterward.
Here’s what I’m going to try: 1). No internet dates, no exceptions. So far so good! I have deleted or shutdown all profiles. 2.) Movin on up. No more just plain joe, milktoast nice guys. They are never nice,and I get very upset after being played by a loser. Very hansome men are way less aggressive and conquest focused. 3). Dates mean nothing, and I am telling them up front as soon as I get a whiff of insincerity. 4.The guy has to be successful and someone who stands for something. He wont expect to be grilled on his character like this. I know what Kendrick Lamar stands for, I know what Al Gore stands for… dude.what about you?
I just stopped dating a guy. I was sooooo incredibly tempted to ghost on him, because I had a sneaking suspicion he was going to be argumentative and abusive if I called him to tell him I wasn’t interested anymore.
So I called him to tell him anyway. We’ve only been on four dates. But I was already getting frustrated with the way he wanted to fast forward me into a relationship, but wouldn’t make proper plans to see me. Sure enough, he tried to argue. Claimed he never tried to pressure me into being his girlfriend. And “We never made plans to actually hang out. We were just seeing how we felt!” I tried to argue back at first and then I said, it doesnt matter why I’m done. I’m done and I don’t need a reason! He kept trying to argue so I hung up. He’s now sent lots of abusive text messages!!! Talk about dodging a bullet!
This is why people ghost. Because we’re afraid to have the arguments, stand our ground and face things. I get it. But I still think it’s the right thing to do. And I know if somebody gave me the courtesy of telling me properly that they’re not interested anymore. (Instead of ghosting which I’ve experienced more times than I can count!) I would sincerely try to take it the right way. Which is to accept it and move on!!
I have been ghosted and that was devastating after 4 years of long distance dating. He wanted to end it after a simple misunderstanding and not communicating about it. We bumped into each other 8 years later- did the friend thing only my insistence and both had the why not try again- of course for me there was no real chance of trying again because I don’t have faith that he will talk through problems and not just disappear at the drop of a hat. I went on date last week- wasn’t feeling it so texted 2 days later to say so. What did I get for my thanks hot and then cold/slightly nasty texts all night and few missed calls. My response was to block immediately thanks to my smart phone. It’s not easy -agree! x
Yep blocking is good. I blocked this guy too!!
Why do they get so nasty?!
Don’t they have any pride to just walk away?
I came across this website and I’m so happy I did. I have never heard of “ghosting” but that is how my last relationship ended. Matter of fact I was ghosted 3 times by the same man, to whom I was legally married. After reading the article here I almost had to laugh at the description of who a ghoster is. Yep, that is him! I took him back twice, he always had this uncanny ability to come back around when I was at my most vulnerable. Although the third time was a charm for me. The rage I felt was unbelievable and I said no matter what it took I was finished with him. I did it, it’s been 4 years and through a lot of pain and hard work I’m on the other side. I wanted to say that your article was so spot on…I just wish I had read it a few years ago. Thank you.
I have a question & I would love to hear some advice (please!) The article says ghosting is not the same as no contact. What if the ‘slow fade’ is followed by ghosting/no contact – but more waiting on honoring a promise? What is the best way to handle this? I have read so many books/websites/blogs (including Baggage Reclaim!) & yet I still have questions!
If I can briefly explain my situation… I was seeing a guy for 3 months. We met through a mutual friend & I don’t think we both expected to have such a connection. When we first hooked up he didn’t leave my house for 3 days! He came on very strong, showered me with gifts, treated me well & always called/messaged when he said he would. I feel like he was almost infatuated with me. We spent a lot of time together & I felt good about it. After a month or so he began to cancel some dates because of work commitments (he’s just started up his own business) no big deal, he would always re-schedule, although sometimes he would cancel the dates he re-scheduled. Because I felt so confident he liked my company I asked if it he didn’t want to see me as often or if he was genuinely busy. He said two things. Never to question he likes me & never to underestimate how much he works. I gave one request in return, that he would be honest if he didn’t want to see me anymore. By the end of this conversation we agreed that we were “seeing” each other exclusively, however, probably only exclusive by default because he said he didn’t have time for more than one girl & his work was his priority. But he did express that he didn’t want me to be with anyone else, so he wouldn’t want to either. But, I wasn’t his girlfriend (yet) because with that title comes expectations that he couldn’t deal with right now & he didn’t want me to be disappointed when he couldn’t spend much time with me (probably my first warning sign!)
Well, now I feel like a complete fool. A week after that conversation, he landed a big job & he said he would be busy working for the next month. The first few weeks he still contacted me, flirted, sounded keen & even when I tried to coax him into taking a few hours off work for some fun he’d say yes, then cancel at the last minute but said he felt like a scumbag in doing so. He would also always say that after this job is finished he would make it up to me. So I waited & kept my hopes up.
The week after he told me the job was due to finish I messaged & said I hoped it went well & I was ready to celebrate when he was. He said he was still working on the job but I would definitely know when he can see light at the end of the tunnel & we can celebrate then. I thought this may be a “test” so I gave him more space & have made no contact since. This was 3 weeks ago & he still hasn’t contacted me.
I have been on the worst journey trying to figure out if I said something wrong, if I put the pressure on a relationship or if he just got turned off by something. I have taken a turn for the worst in terms of my already fragile self esteem, thinking I am not good enough & I seriously just want to die. I do take rejection very badly. I did also mention to him that in my last “relationship” which was more like casual sex (for 5 years, every week!) made me feel like I was not worth anything more than a sex object so I was looking for something a bit more substantial. I did also state that it was my fault for letting it to get to that stage though & I didn’t blame the guy for taking advantage. Again, probably a mistake in opening up so much, but he also told me a lot about his past relationships. He has always had girlfriends, so I thought I mistakenly was the next girlfriend in line.
I know it’s over & he is no longer interested, (and likely with someone else by now) but my question is, why string me out for 6 weeks, promising to make it up to me, then not follow through? Did he think I wouldn’t notice him doing the slow fade until he was completely gone? Most will answer because he didn’t want to hurt me & didn’t want to stick around to see me upset in order to save his own guilt, but I am not one of those crazy girls who would yell & throw things. I’m more likely to hide back in my shell & completely self destruct. Maybe he kinda knew that too & didn’t want to be responsible.
Anyway, I’d love to know if I should contact him or to just let it be. I don’t want to annoy him if he’s completely forgotten about me & moved on, because then I come across as the desperado that needs validation for my own existence & the good times that we did have. I’m obviously not likely to change his mind about being with me, even on a casual basis, but would he have even less respect for me if I just hide away like he’s doing? And in that case he ‘gets away with it’ & possibly thinks that I wasn’t keen in the end either because I didn’t bother to contact him again? Or would he respect me more for being mature about it by facing it? I feel like because we had the relationship talk we were much more than a few casual dates which warrants a little more respect than no explanation whatsoever. But also, because I left the ball in his court when he said “when the job is finished you will know & we can celebrate” does this still class as the disappearing act? Would he still know he had an obligation to contact me since he made so many promises or does he simply not even care? Does he think I’m a brainless idiot for waiting around for him? And also, is it still “ghosting” if I haven’t contacted him & he has never ignored my contact in the past? I feel like if I contact him he won’t ignore me, he will just make up another excuse, so it’s a pointless act doing the no contact rule. Plus, is it worth looking more like a fool if he’s already with someone else?
Am I better off trying to just forget it & let him deal with his own feelings so I can try & deal with mine? Sorry, the short version is still long… but I’m sooooo confused! 🙁
Maybe I should mention that I’m 41 & he’s 30, although I also look 30 (!) We have spoken about the future etc & are clear that I no longer want kids & he’s not that interested either. I just want to find a partner who is not a selfish jerk & thinks that I’m worthy of their time, but also don’t particularly want to let someone tread all over me & make me feel like I’m the most unlovable person on the planet. The only thing worse than being broken up with is realizing that someone didn’t even consider you worth breaking up with. The slow fade/ghosting is the cruelest form of torture. Not only does it question the validity of your relationship, it causes you to question yourself. I am intelligent enough to know that it shows more about the ghostee… in that they do not have the capacity or courage to deal with their own emotions, let alone yours, but they don’t understand the impact of their behavior. Or worse… don’t care.
I would appreciated ANY advice… I am spinning out of control in my own mind & so down on myself for screwing up something that could have been so good, even though I’m not entirely sure how I screwed up. I made such a fool out of myself for falling for his promises & ignoring the warning signs. I was only living in the moment & bouncing off his initial high positive energy about the relationship. Surely he would know this?
Correction: Ghostee = ghoster.
Hi Jessica:
First, I am so sorry you are going through this. There are lots of articles on this site about Future Faking, which sounds like what this guy is doing – imagining a time when he will have loads of time to shower you with the time and attention you deserve. He came on really strong in the beginning which is, as you say, what Nat calls blowing hot and cold. She also has great articles along the lines of “No one is that busy” – I encourage you to check them out. He sounds “superbusy” – addicted to work and running from his feelings, which so many men are…
This all takes time but, with time, you will see this person with more clarity. Right now, you’re struggling between who you thought/hoped he was (and let’s be honest – who he led you to think he was) and the reality of who he actually is. These guys actually know they’re not treating us well and instead of doing the work to change who they are (which would also lead them to feel better about themselves too!), they tell us what they think we want to hear (“we’ll celebrate soon”) and it’s also what THEY want to hear themselves say too. They like to fancy themselves as better than they are because they want us to see them as great and fun and worthy and as long as they can keep that illusion up, it makes them feel great. But inside, they know it’s just an illusion – they’re not all that. And they know it. So when we figure it out and we drop them (which we should), they feel bad – not because they hurt us/did us wrong but because they lost someone distracting them from how sorry ass they actually are. The trick is – start creating a life that you want, that belongs to you. You won’t tolerate any sorry ass man in a 100 mile radius and they can FEEL it and they will AVOID you. A year after cutting my ex-EUM off with NC – believe me, he knows what would happen if he came sniffing around now. He doesn’t have the fucking balls to be in the same room as me – rightfully so.
And now you’re discovering it too. It hurts. I get it. You want to kick against it and deny it and look for any scrap of evidence he’s really a good guy and not just Smoke and Mirrors. It hurts like hell but the sooner we recognize the reality and trust our gut, the sooner we get on with the healing and putting him behind us so we can move on to someone who is ready for and can return the love and attention we’ve lavished on this manboy masquerading as an adult… Go make your life your way and anyone who gives you lameass excuses for why they can’t be bothered to do the bare fucking minimum… you won’t even feel it when you pass them by. They become invisible. They hate it but it’s what they deserve. Let him wonder why you don’t have time for HIM now. Too busy working on yourself and building a life of your own to give a shit. THAT is what these guys need to get in return for their shitty immaturity.
Stay strong, sister. xoxo
Michelle,
What a powerful sense of conviction! And I relate to Jessica’s comment:
“The slow fade/ghosting is the cruelest form of torture. Not only does it question the validity of your relationship, it causes you to question yourself. ”
Even though THEIR behavior is abnormal, even THOUGH actions don’t match words, EVEN THOUGH a caring partner could NEVER and would never act in these horrific ways, we still have a tendancy to look inward, because WTF just happened? It is taking me so L-O-N-G to process. Heart and mind don’t mesh.
Thank you both for your replies. It’s really comforting knowing someone in this world cares.
Michelle, I have re-read the posts on future faking & Nobody is that busy. It’s very clear now, although at the time I thought I was giving him the benefit of the doubt & trusting his word, since he was so sincere. What a mistake that was. Now I believe there is no way I should contact him, firstly because of my fear of even more rejection is likely to come true, alternatively I’ll be subject to more lies or fake promises. It’s also now been a month since our last contact & I’m not a complete idiot in thinking he’s just waiting for me to make the next move, I don’t want to make even more of a fool of myself. Plus, if he just ignores me I will hate myself for trying to reach out. However, there is so much unfinished business. He’s left a heap of stuff at my house & I can’t even bear to look at it.
But… now I may be in the angry stage & don’t even want to know what he’s up to. He’s no doubt found someone “better” & couldn’t give a shit about me except I’m the one left here feeling like a complete waste of space & not worthy of any acknowledgement from him whatsoever, after he acted so full on into me in the beginning. What did he expect to achieve from that? Get me wrapped around his little finger just so he could kick me in the guts when things got real & emotions were involved?
Sometimes I think good… he’s just onto the next victim & I secretly hope this girl is stronger than me & doesn’t let him get away with it & he gets his heart broken so he knows how it feels & to not be in control. But mostly, I think he thinks I’m such a loser for falling for his tricks & I’m not worth any further consideration… a worthless piece of trash. I’m so embarrassed & ashamed of myself. Sometimes I try & think “positive” & hope that he will realise what a douchebag he’s been & contact me just so that I can reject him in return.
Life is hard enough without this shit to deal with. It’s also enough to tip someone over the edge.
Jessica,
You believed he was sincere because YOU are sincere. As you know, future fakers ARE NOT SINCERE, but damn!!! aren’t they so convincing! Get all of his stuff (CRAP) and bag/box it up and relocate to closet/ garage/ out of sight. He has left his CRAP a reason to contact you IF he chooses. IF he does, you can reply… “you can pick it up tomorrow (insert time frame) on the front steps.” Don’t be home. Or leave it at a neutral spot. Each day I have to walk by a tree that has notches where he cut branches for me. Permanent scar tissue. And I have a massive woodpile in the corner of my yard that he created. I can’t burn it without setting the neighborhood on fire, so it is just a rotting reminder of future faking and disappointment (because he was going to help me with a list of things he was skilled at that I could not fix on my own). I get your thinking there.
Good for you for not contacting him. It is hard, it is excruciating, but it is SELF PROTECTION. No, he is not too busy, he’s just a douche. So why would he string you along? Firstly, because he’s a douche. And also maybe he was weighing his options. You won’t know, but you’re right that he wasn’t too busy. You are processing his douche behavior, so don’t second guess yourself.
Prior to meeting this guy (I’ve referred to him as BGE in earlier comments) I also had a “thing” with someone that was basically just sex. It lasted several months, with me initially thinking it could be more. Nope, and that’s never what I wanted, it ended and I never went back even though I was contacted a year later. I ALSO told BGE that I needed something more- can’t remember how I said it, but basically I was clear that I was interested in a solid relationship. I too thought I was with a sincere, thoughtful, caring guy. And part of me still wonders… Is he? And was he just trying to ‘kindly’ extract himself from the relationship? Was I just too attached and too sensitive? Am I just a poor sport? Of course he can choose to never see me again because that’s what he did. Do ‘normal’ women with great self worth just respond ‘well ok’ and move on with dignity? Why am I, almost two years later, still deeply sad?
Purchase Natalie’s three books. And check out the book ‘Men who can’t love’ as well. Stick to your NO CONTACT. Try to change from thinking that he is categorizing you in a negative light. He’s too ‘busy’ to be doing that. Stay strong and know YOU ARE THE BETTER PERSON. You are the honest, thoughtful, caring person. YOU ARE. NOT HIM. You gave, he took. And the dynamic s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d itself out over the course of several weeks. DON’T CONTACT HIM, JESSICA. Show yourself how strong you are!
I’m sorry, I still cannot stop thinking about this.. it’s driving me absolutely crazy! 🙁
I am considering contacting him. I know we won’t be together again, and I wouldn’t ask him for anything, but I feel like I need to have closure or say goodbye or thanks for the good times or wish him well in the future or something. I have read everything I can find on this topic and yes, I do change my mind from one day to the next but I can’t see how I will ever move on if I just keep silent.
However, what is truly worrying me is my very last text message to him. I made a joke & maybe he didn’t think it was very funny, or took it the wrong way. It wasn’t about him or anyone, was just about a stupid app on my phone that I got angry at when it pops up with something. I know it might seem silly to others, but what if my last text was the absolute icing on the cake for him that completely turned him off? I feel like such a fool and so embarrassed/ashamed. I wish I hadn’t sent it because right before that message was when he said we will catch up soon… and then I sent the message & I haven’t heard from him since.
Should I text him or will I be digging a deeper hole for myself? I just don’t want him to think bad of me & I have a sick feeling that he took my joke about being angry at a dumb app like I was a psycho bitch or something. But would someone REALLY be offended or so put off by a silly joke or cheekily using an angry word I wouldn’t normally? I’m so fixated on this because it’s the last contact I’ve had. Do you have any advice? 🙁
Jessica, this is a ‘one false move mentality’ that Natalie’s written about here – https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/do-you-have-a-one-false-move-its-all-your-fault-mentality/
You’re asking yourself if you had the wrong sense of humour/ if he thinks you’re a psycho/ if you put pressure on him etc., but not recognising how much he did wrong by you with his future faking and flaking on you and keeping you hanging on, basically screwing with you, all of which are soul destroying. When you write ‘I just want to die’, boy do I know that feeling, and I think it’s associated with the total powerlessness you feel, and fear and anxiety and shame. It’s like grief, and makes everyday life hard to cope with.
Arrest those coulda-woulda-shouldas, or you’ll drive yourself crazy. Push them away, do something, be compassionate and loving to yourself. When I go on that path, I also remember what a friend told me, that if he’s really interested, nothing will get in the way. If you’re meant to be with someone, is a trivial text message really gonna ruin it? Healthy relationships just don’t have this insanity.
You say your self esteem is low – the priority is to have your own back. Start by taking control. Get his stuff back to him. Clear him out of your life. You have more power than you think. You’ll realise that as much as you have your sad days and feelings of remorse, nothing is worse that the pain and anxiety of hanging on in a barely-there relationship. You won’t have the ‘just want to die’ feeling anymore. When you put that behind you with actions, you won’t care what he thinks of you.
I strongly recommend Nat’s self esteem course. It takes work, but is so rewarding and transformative. I’ve found since the course, sure I still feel disappointment when things don’t work out, but won’t allow myself to question my very being or ask if I should have been someone different, more this or more that, because I’m with myself every step of the way. And mistakes are mistakes, not a reason for deep shame and embarrassment.
Fantastic that you look so young for your age!
Thank you so much for your kind words, wisdom and advice. I sent my next post before I saw your response.
I will read what you’ve suggested. I definitely have self esteem issues. I have been subject to a lot of emotional abuse in the past from other men which has made me feel like such a failure in life, even though I am highly successful in other areas. Somehow when you don’t have love, nothing else seems important enough focus on, or you simply don’t have the energy to try. This new experience has just put me right back in that dark place I never wanted to visit again and I don’t think people realise their actions can have such profound affects on someone’s well being.
I totally understand, could say very similar things to you. I’ve got to what I now recognise as a successful life with a chronic lack of support from those who were meant to love and care for me, and somehow it was instilled in me that I’m a failure and less-than because of this lack of support, and what I achieved and had become was insignificant? And then we find ourselves with more people who are uncaring because it’s familiar and ‘right’, and even worse, some of them exploit us for it.
It doesn’t have to be like this forever. I’ve learned a new meaning to ‘righting the wrongs of the past’ – I didn’t put things right by ‘winning’ the recent EUM in my life, but instead by keeping to my values and if that meant scaring him off .. well good! I’m not ashamed to say what I want and don’t want, and it’s freed up the space for me to go after it instead of throw my love and energy into yet another black hole. I feel the loss, but am hopeful for the future.
‘Next time I will take the bus’ – haha I like that! Or walk. My only ever good relationship long, long, long ago, developed slowly and sweetly over our daily walks to get lunch. Sigh.
Hi ladies. I have an update if anyone’s remotely interested. I can confirm that he is indeed a complete douchebag.
I kept strong and did NOT contact him, but I bumped into him at the shops yesterday. Eeek! I was extremely nervous, heart racing & shaking like a leaf! He asked how I’ve been. I felt like saying WTF?! How do you think I’ve been you arsehole! But of course I didn’t. I was my submissive self and could only manage to ask what happened. He said he “just got busy with work”. I was too emotional to gather my thoughts & confront him, knowing full well that it was just another lame excuse. I nodded, listened to him & told him I was such an idiot. He did say it was nothing I did, it was him and his fault completely & he fell of the face of the earth. My first though: Yep! You did and you knew exactly what you were doing! It didn’t feel like much of a comfort though because he said it like it had to be said rather than actually being sorry for his actions.
I didn’t/couldn’t respond, I just said that he caught me off-guard running into him & I didn’t know what else to say, so I said nothing at all. But I also gave him nothing. No reaction. No yelling, no blame, nothing. I just wanted to hear his explanation.
He obviously didn’t want to linger in the shops so he said he would call me later and asked for a hug. I said “I’m sorry” as I hugged him and smelt his familiar smell 🙁 I’m not even sure why I apoligised, maybe I’m sorry that I wasn’t good enough for him to give a shit about me. I fell for his usual trick & thought he would call, but he hasn’t. So once again I feel like the fool of the century.
But having 48 hours to think about it, I’m glad I didn’t portray that I was happy and had moved on. I’m not a good liar & I wasn’t about to say that life is fantastic without him. My fear is I showed him I’m still hung up on him, but then again, I would rather show him I have a heart than be heartless. I could tell that the spark had gone from his side, but as I was looking at him, I was wondering what I saw in this man that has made me feel so good at one point, yet the most insignificant person on earth a few weeks later.
What I hate about this whole experience is that not only did he break my heart, he broke my whole spirit. One day I hope he will be mature enough to realise you can’t just treat someone you once cared for with such disregard and throw them out of your life like yesterday’s garbage. It’s completely soul destroying.
It’s definitely hard, but I will try to put faith into thinking “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure”.
Now just mail him back his stuff. No note. Just his shit.
Ok, please ignore my last post. I do realise I’m being ridiculous. I am way over thinking everything and end up convincing myself of an answer that I’ve just invented.
I just keep going back to the fact he once thought I was the ants pants, and now I could have died and he wouldn’t even know… or care. I constantly wonder what I did to turn him off and I hate myself for it. I’m even believing that I am actually turning into a nutcase with these thoughts I’m having.
I read something that has stuck with me today that I think is the perfect analogy to all this. “it’s like he took me on a magic carpet ride, only for him to pull the rug out from under me” Next time I will take the bus.
I hurt my girlfriend after she missed a flight to spend Christmas with me and my family. On December 18th I paid for my girlfriend to take a flight to my hometown to meet me there. I traveling from a different city. we had a long distance relationship of four years. she was engaged to me but the last three months she was cold and distant. On December 18th she was supposed to take the flight, but was distant and decided no to take it at the end. She sent me a message that she tried to catch the flight last minute but was unable and wished me merry Xmas and god blessing. I got so mad, and yield at her over the phone. I unfriend her from Facebook, I said many hurtful things and told her I wish no to see her again. I used profanity and call her dumb ass. I was so mad because she didn’t even tried to change the plane ticket she just told me she didn’t feel like flying. I broke up with her. I called her a week later to say sorry but she wished no to see me, she did even wanted to take my calls, she send me a six page email with lots of drama, with issues that I tough we fixed three years ago. She was about to move in with me and get marry, but she told me she didnt wish that anymore. I took a flight a month later to see her, we didn’t talk during that time, she blocked me of everything, whatsapp, facebook, she wouldn’t take my calls. i know i said lots of hurtful things but she left there waiting, it was a one thousand dollar flight too. When she saw me, she was very hostile and asked me to leave right away. we managed to talk but she was still very hortile, blamed me for everything, for little things and big things that happened in our four eyar relationship. i sucked, i left but came back three days later to talk to her. She was more calm, but told she wished nothing with me, that she was going to unblocked me but that doesn’t mean nothing. she did unblocked me but blocked a week later, any way two weeks ago she send a face message to a cousin of mine wishing my family the best, and that she was thankful at the time we haven’t spoken for six weeks. I am trying to move on, going to the gym, painting, traveling but it still hurts. she was mean when she unblocked me and posted a group photo with a guy holding her six weeks after we broke up, anyway that do you thing. i wish I could get her back but i feel so dumb doing so, I love her but I am not sure if it worth it. It is a lots of pain. She disappeared from the first moment we broke up and told me she holds a lot of resentment against me and herself for not concluding all of her dreams in our marriage. Never explained her reasons for missing a flight. She disappeared never confronted me until I traveled to confront her. There was no negotiation, she just said NO to everything. I get the feelings she had somebody else.
This happened to me quite recently. My husband and I were together for 19 months, got engaged, were engaged for 12 months and then married for 9 months. If anyone would have asked me how our relationship was or ‘how was the married life’, I would have said it was great. Sure we had our share of problems/arguments like every couple, but I didn’t think it was anything worth walking away. Two months ago during a snowy weekend I noticed he was very distracted and distant. I questioned him on it and he blew it off like everything was fine. Two weeks later I found a conversation between him and another woman I had never heard anything about and questioned him on it. His response was to rent an apartment and move out. He took his clothes/toiletries but the rest of his belongings are still at the house. He has made arrangements a few times to come get it but it falls through every time. If we need to speak to each other for any sort of logistical nature (i.e. to pay a car payment or set up a date/time for him to come get his things), he will respond within the hour. But if I ask a single question about um, I dunno, why did you leave. Conversation immediately shuts down with the only answer of “this is what I need”. Let’s not even talk about the fact we got married a short 11 months ago…made a commitment to one another to spend the rest of our lives together but for him to just up and walk away like I do not even exist anymore.
I am struggling. Badly. I have lost weight. I can’t concentrate. I can’t focus. I am exhausted all the time with asking myself the ‘why’s’. What went wrong? Where were the problems that were so grand that working things out was not even an option on the table? I feel so betrayed, so lost and so confused.
My ghost, is my husband. This is the 2nd time Ive allowed him this opportunity, and truly, this time around 50% of my pain is my own damn fault. He worked his way back in once he realized what he had done. Married me after 2 years, and then, 4 months after being married, gone. I’m a wreck naturally, the ebb and flow is different day to day (bad, good, bad again, better), and the nights are long, but this time, I’ve learned an invaluable lesson; ITS NOTHING I COULD HAVE PREVENTED BY BEING A GOOD WIFE. He is an emotionally ambivalent man, unavailable to my deepest needs, and has no idea how to have a healthy relationship. He has given me the gift of moving forward, in the hopes that after healing, one day I will know the love of a man not afraid to love me, who will cherish my being, and never feel like running away. Everyone here reading this, although it feels like you are dying inside, or falling down a deep abyss that is never ending, causing swelling anxiety and sadness; HOLD ON TIGHT, to your friends, to your families, TO YOURSELF. No feeling is final, and the sun doesn’t set on life until you are gone. I love all of your souls. Keep fighting for your spirit, and never settle for less than you deserve.