Schools, businesses, in-laws and parents all teach us that ‘the best’ people are easy to spot, they make the most money. Guys and ladies, too, strive for advances and pay raises sometimes for that extra $20 or $100 per week, but always because it means they are ‘better’ than they were last week, that they are better than others that don’t get as much of a raise, and better than new kids that don’t make as much money. Money is a firmly established measure of self-image and social worth, regardless of gender. Why do you think the empty rationalizations about women have kept men’s wages higher? I think everyone, men and women, try to protect their own salary from falling behind anyone else’s. Right now there are just more men protecting their individual position.

(All right, there are lots of men that feel superior, and wage is only one way they try to have their own way with women in their life. Pigs, all of us.)

My point is that discomfort about the woman making more money isn’t just about man-woman bias. The assumption boys are brought up with is that they are responsible for basic goal planning, with input from their bride. Once his finances drop below hers, the tendency to drop back to a kid/mommy relationship is pretty powerful — mothers are great at instilling that role into our brains. And we don’t have many good models of women taking the control many Christians believe are ordained to the man.

While not compelling for every American, most of us are influenced by Christian teachings, which introduce another ‘dimension’ (to use eHarmony.com’s word) of confusion. Does couple still hold the man as primary authority, is authority shared, or does she become the leader? Many girls still concentrate on being ornaments as they grow (prom queen, homecoming queen, cheerleaders, pretty clothes, beauty contests and high value of appearance in their image of self-worth). Boys work at war games (sports, scouts, hunting and fishing), at dominance, and at ‘catching’ the ‘prettiest’ girl — the winner somehow being ‘better’.

I haven’t heard (or noticed) that kids today have changed all that much from the father as head of house roles of our grandparents. There are exceptions, but there are still few social roles widely available for guiding us when roles change.

I like your comment about gifts. Gifts are seen by most as part of a social transaction. Buy dinner, get a bed partner. Give jewelry get more bed partner. Give car, residence, or spend time with them, get loyalty, see their appreciation for you and your largesse, possible receive a deeper affection.

One danger of gifting is defining roles in a relationship that turn out to be unhealthy. Some gifts, such as time, paying attention, sharing breaths and activities, will never wear out, don’t imply specific roles that will chafe in the future, or have morbid connotations (is this a date or entrance fee at the brothel?!). Most of us enjoy receiving nice things. Some of us enjoy pleasing others. The problem here is that uneven gifting creates expectations that harm the relationship, placing things on a financial or contractual basis, instead of true bonding.

In my opinion.

I suspect the answer is for women that make more to live frugally, especially with respect to dates and life partners. As a gift of freedom to their partner. Handle jealousy of money or other assest just like any other jealousy or greed. With maturity, respect, and responsible choices.