In the fifth month of dating I caught him online-found his profile picking up other chicks and confronted him. I took the profile printout to his house the day he invited me over for a bbq. He in the beginning denied and I left him there and said, “call me when you are honest.” So, he did a day later and said he only wants me and that he “was not sure if I was still playing the field because we never had the “exclusivity talk.”
I fell for that BS. His behavior was still shady-going out some weekends without me, working late, etc. His job is sooo demanding that I believed it and he knew he cold use it as an excuse.

I finally after almost 2 years told him to “shit or get off the pot” and he said he needed time and that a break was in order. Two days later I pass by his house-2blocks away-and find a skanky chick in disgusting clothes on his floor- no class at all. And this is a professional man in health care. I was always classy, dressed like a million bucks, and respectful. He went from class to trash in a second. She got up and left when she realized who I was and he didn’t even stop her-he just lay on the couch like a pig.

He has txted a few times but I am starting to ignore. I do have a feeling that this sick EUM will try to come back in some cowardly way.

This time was the last straw. We went to a concert in May and right after he started becoming distant. He would not call me and when I called him he didn’t always answer and when he did he was not very friendly and he would cut the call short. Finally he went on vacation in July and never told me he was going to be off that week. We work for the same company but in different locations and I found out that way. I was so angry. I know he was having a tough year because he had to get full custoday of his 16 year old daughter because his ex is an alcoholic and went to jail. He had to move to a different town so she could stay at her school and I helped him move and I was there for him. I did so much for him over the years even though he treated me like crap when he didn’t want to be bothered.

I called him 2 of the nights and left no message. Finally I called him on Friday and he answered the phone by saying what’s the matter? He sounded like he was drinking. I still was nice and I was like nothing I just wanted to say hi. He told me he was on vacation and that he didn’t go away and he just rested and he was at a local bar I assume with friends from a town where he grew up in. He was bout to end the call like nothing so I asked if he were avoiding me and he said no and I said he has been distant and not calling. He was so rude and said, that’s me. I was so mad and I said I thought I was the one who he trusted and cared for. He got very silent and I said you don’t want to talk about this do you? He said no and made some excuse his daughter was calling and he had to go. I left him 2 messages after that telling him that he was not very nice, etc.

I tried calling him the next day and he didn’t answer and I was stupid to apologize to him, let him know my feelings and that I was going on vacation the next week.

He never called me. The week after my vacation he was spotted with a girl in a liquor store. Boy was he surprised 2 people that we both know worked there part time. He tried to get out of there quick and gave my friend a look when she asked where I was.

I never let him know that I knew. I stopped contact but I finally gave in and he still didn’t answer my calls. I left messages pleading,etc. I finally confronted him on Labor Day when he got out of work. He was acting so nice and his lame excuse was it’s not you it’s me. Says his lfe sucks, works all the time and stays home and does nothing. He was looking at me like I was just nothing. I can’t believe I asked him if I could still call him and he said you can call but I probably won’t answer. I asked why and he said that he is not talking to anyone not even me. I was so crushed. I remember touching his shirt saying, you know how I feel about you. He just stood there. I said is that the real reason and he put his hands over his ears like a big baby and said no, no I have to go – and took off in his truck.

I’m still sick over that – A week later I left him 2 messages on his cell phone letting him know how hurt and what a lier he was. The end of Sept. I saw him 1 last time at the store where he worked. He gave me that mean look of his and turned his head and didn’t say much at all. He treated me like an enemy after all I did for that creep!

It’s been very hard for me but I have not contacted him since. I almost want to but I will not give in this time. Now he has a girlfiend that he is trying to keep secret. He was furious when he found out a vendor told a guy co-worker about his girlfriend. He still does not know that I know about it. I won’t say another word to him.

It’s crazy but I still have feelings for him even after he hurt me so bad with his lies and the way he betrayed me. I still hope he calls me and says he is sorry, but I know he won’t and I deserve so much better.

I’m so happy I found this site. It has been so helpful and I have been learning alot. I wish I found it sooner!

My EUM was doing the “treats you badly til YOU break up with him” routine, I can see. In fact, during our breakup conversation, he expressed stress and grief about breaking up, but I told him that I had been getting very clear messages from him that he was not into the relationship anymore. I asked, “Do you know what I’m talking about, or do I need to give you some examples,” and he said no. So (I now realize tho I didn’t clue in then) he was actually well aware of what he was doing to push me away and what his desired end result would be.

So we both downloaded NML’s book, and ended it mutually, but I was the one who called the question, gave him his key back, and I am so glad it was me. The rejection I was getting in the relationship was bad enough.

So ladies, dump your EUM, keep that dignity to yourself, at least! You will be in such a better place if you take charge, instead of begging to be rejected.

PS. I watched Bishop TD Jakes’ sermons of “Nothing Just Happens” which has the famous Let it message; “Potholes” and “Fainting But Still fighting”. They have powerful messages about letting people go & not begging people to remain joined to you. They are powerful messages of hope.

I think part of it is that you are taking control, feeling happier, and are thinking about having someone to be close to – and the ex is far enough gone you are thinking of the good times instead of the reasons you have been 4 months NC.

You need to redirect that attention, and meet those needs to feel part of a group – but make it a group larger than two, for now. Community events are great to attend – but even better to get involved with putting them on. Schools often need volunteers – have you seen how agonizingly grateful the Multiple Handicap teachers can be for someone willing to step in and substitute occasionally?

When you think you might be looking at a nice guy to take home, objectively check his emotional health (relationships with friends and family), his character (emotional discipline, honor, honesty, respectful and well respected – this is different than well admired), and his community health – stable profession, aptitude for being a mate and co-parent. Then start with checking out his smile, then his physical attributes. Please avoid anyone adept at getting women into bed (this is a red flag).

Your instincts are partly right – you need the personal contact. But until you meet the right guy, focus on the social side.

Luck!

NML, when we try too hard, one of the disconnects may be to value effort too highly while we ignore identifying our partner’s needs.

One of the most difficult relationship skills to master is to determine what our partner’s needs are. We tend to hide our own needs, and often our partner does, too. An abusive clown may tell you to do things, or may tell you what their needs are – but that may not actually be their needs. So any effort spent doing what you are told or meeting fictitious needs may be wasted. And it feels so useless, doing so much, going more than half way for no reason. We resent the wasted effort, the time we spent for our partner. In a relationship, I would seldom grade more than ‘D’ for effort. Much more important is do what is needed.

When the EU turns shitty for any reason, I imagine you aren’t meeting his needs. You need to decide if you can *or should* meet that need – or leave. You can’t respect yourself for anything else. If there is danger, or threats, then the choice should be obvious – leave.

Blessed be!

So far I am devouring your blog and loving it.

Thank you so much for being so wise and sharing!!!

He is still emotionally unavailable and a cheat. For a long time I refused to face the fact that I am letting him get away with his poor treatment. But last month he told me he was going to spend the nite with his mum, but spent it with a girlfriend and I woke UP to the realization that life with him will ALWAYS be like this. He showers his new girl with gifts that he can never buy for me. The feeling of rejection and the fact that he appreciates a new babe rather than me who has been with him thru thick and thin makes the pain unbearable. My consolation for now is that he will do to her what he has done to me. It i snot about me.

I realize that some of these men treat us the way they do because we LET them get away with it, and even make ourselves available for more crap. I have now completely reduced my supply of myself and any efforts to make him see “the LIGHT” that I am the one he needs. Last week he wanted me to miss work and do something for his sister and mum. I told him that I didn’t have time. He went on and on about me not caring about his mom and I said to hell. I have made numerous sacrifices for him. His thanks – cheating and being unavailable.

I have come to learn that I have to respect myself first if someone is to respect me; and that I deserve to be loved and respected.

Thanks so much for this site. Knowing that I am not alone in this helps a lot.