What I love about this site is the underlying positivity … it’s very focused on helping a normal people to
a) understand and recognise that ass clowns exist
b) then to understand that it doesn’t make one bad to have been taken in by one
c) from these two foundations to then focus on how we, as decent people, can use this experience to develop boundries, learn a bit more about ourselves and really grow our lives

I’ll keep reading

Chris

I’ve found the info on boundaries and validating to be eye-opening and have started to look at myself rather than at her.

This article on drip feeding is the only one I have replied on because I’m aware this site is not really for men but this one is just so true I had to comment.

My ACF (yep – I’ve just made that up!) stood before me 15 years ago and said she was leaving because she needed big holidays. I dumped her then and then but she kept chasing and I ignored.
Eventually 10 years later I gave in (I was going through a bad patch) .. and we emailed … it took 2 months but she eventually came clean – that time she’d stood infront of me and said she needed holidays she’d actually had someone else’s child growing inside her but didn’t want to tell me … and she actually said in her email the reason .. because I would have dumped her … err, yes!!!

My point here is just to agree – the witholding of information is power for them … and they do it to deny you the ability to make your own judgement of the facts.

2 months after that email I went NC (although I didn’t know it was called that then) as she’d said she was leaving her husband at Christmas (just one more with him for the “family”) and nothing happened so I walked away.

She stalked me for 8 months on email/phone and I never gave in – finally she tricked me calling me from a phone i didn’t know and told me she’d left her husband and had moved to my country and was looking for property right now.

OK – so we met up … and she didn’t have her kids with her, so she said they were at the hotel … who with? I said .. “mumble, mumble ” was the reply, but i camly persisted “you haven’t just left them have you … etc etc ” … eventually (after much yadda yadda) I cornered her logic and she got quite cross and told me that her husband was with her and looking after the kids … (but it was just one last holiday !) … so I kept going … “ok, no problem, let’s go out there together and chat to him .. where are you staying ….”) …

Eventually we get to the truth – she’s on a family holiday with dear hubbie …

SO after being extra patient for 3 hours to get to this truth I then asked her if there was ANY truth in the claim she was house hunting .. guess what .. none at all !!!

So, I asked her why she’d called me and lied … her answer ???? – I knew you would hang up if i told the truth!

Yes of course. So in order to get her own way she withheld info/lied in order to remove from me the right to make my own descision based upon the truth.

And that’s why this article rings a big bell for me …

Sadly (and i’ve read all your articles) she then used all the AC tricks (this is the truth now etc etc) to keep me hooked in for the next 3 years …

It was only on coming across NC descriptions, understanding how my power had been removed from me and that she had no intention of commiting that I was able to finally put names to the strategies and remove myself from the damage zone.

I’m still putting together the pieces of the damage but I am, hopefully wiser, as a result.

Great site – as a guy who got stuck with a player (albeit F) it’s been a real help ….

C

It was initially amazing – we essentially moved in together straight away, and it was passionate and loving and extremely intimate. But: he was always rather controlling (didn’t like certain friends, or any of them really – so I stopped seeing them), very insecure about people I’d been with during the breakups before (so I removed all mention of them and tied myself in knots to avoid any hurt to him) and worried by my academic success (so I didn’t apply for things/played down my academic credentials). Hmmm. Warning bells? But by that time we’d been so important to eachother for so long that I was DESPERATELY HAPPY (focus on desperate) that is was “working” so well – and in many ways it was. So I knew he lied about little things, here and there – but I was different, right? Not to me, right? And the player stuff, that just made it more amazing how committed he was to me, right?

To be honest, it was an amazing connection – or at least, I felt like it was. We were sympatico – totally at one with what we wanted and enjoyed (though even as I write I remember all the compromises that I was making, how willing I was to bend to his will.)

Then, we moved cities together, and shit got crazy. Admittedly, I had a bad time – previous dramas came to the fore. One way or another, I started to feel mega insecure about his fidelity – with a number of people, but specially with one girl at work. He was spending too much time, too many little mentions of her – and just like me, she was someone who’s mental history suggested a kind of vulnerability that I knew he’d find attractive.

I accused him outright, so many times, and it just made him all of the above stuff from the post – defensive, attacking, blaming me and my insecurities, refusing to speak to me, making me think it would make him leave me. I would cave every time, apologise, blame myself, tell him how I would change and improve (!) and stop being so neurotic. By mid-year he was saying he needed space, that I was impossible to live with, that we should stay together for a finite period (until March, when we’d planned to travel together) but then that he needed to go on his own, and that he didn’t know whether there would be an “us” in the future, etc etc. He even said – you should be grateful I’m being so honest. Like a fool I said – sure, no worries, I can accomodate that – thanks for your honesty.

Long story short, I was right – about the girl, and about specific incidents. It had started before the conversation in which I agreed to stay with him, despite the cut-off date. The times when I’d been climbing the walls with stress about the future, about why I was so neurotic, about why I was so jealous, about whether I was doing the right thing in staying….I had been at the receiving end of such a partial drip-feed of the truth – and worse, I’d been outright lied to.

The thing was, by that stage I was so worried about my own mental health that I’d seen a pysch, I’d gone on medication, I was concerned I was losing my mind and becoming obsessive – and so when I found emails (which I admittedly snooped to find) he was able to say – see, your jealousy and controlling behaviour drove me to this! And of course, because I’ve ALWAYS been the one who is accomodating, I believed him. So even the breakup is now my fault, his behaviour is my fault, I caused all this and I’m the one who has to change…

It’s too recent for me to be fully across how crap that is: I wax and wane. Suffice to say that good chats with loved ones (bless them, still there for me even though I cut them off for him) and things like this site (which I’ve just found) are absolutely awesomely helpful. With time, I’m confident that I can change the things in me that let me tolerate this behaviour for so long. It’s hard, because even though I know our relationship was really “my” relationship (the one I thought I was having) I derived such strength and love from what i thought it was, that I’m now pushing a barrow of shit up hill, trying to get better without that “support”.

But yes. This is too long, too. If anyone has any thoughts on these expereiences, anything that would help me with the process of getting through this and remembering how to absolve myself of guilt, I would be very grateful to hear it.

My ex constantly drip-fed me with information – when I saw him looking at dating websites, he told me he had no idea how he got email updates about women who matched his criteria. When I found out he invited another girl to go away with him (in between a break up), he lied and said that he would never invite someone else and that we were exclusive. When I found out about him meeting someone for a drink behind my back and lying about it (and also planning a day with her), he told me it was nothing and he didn’t want the bother and trouble which would ensue if he told me, because I’d blow it out of proportion. When I found out that he was pursuing another woman (who was interested and pursued him as well), he told me it was again nothing, and that he had his right to privacy. That was the dealbreaker – him actually moving on with someone else and having an emotional affair (with someone who, by all accounts, has been involved with another EUM for 7 years, and was pursuing my ex behind this guy’s back). And with the drama and emotional angst that f*cked my head in this last month and a half – after me begging him repeatedly to try again, to make this work, to see where our relationship could go, of feeling like someone had literally hooked you at your heart, dragged you around and left you there to bleed – my ex explained his actions as: ‘I don’t know if I can commit to you. This is not whether I want to be with anyone else or etc., it is whether I want to be with YOU. I don’t have time to work on a relationship with you – I’m 46 and I want children, and maybe we’re not right for each other, and maybe this other woman is right for me. I don’t love you anymore. We were getting in deeper and it scared the shit out of me.’ And he has moved on to another relationship without a backward glance as to how much his actions, words and everything have completely destroyed me. He blamed me and my lack of trust of him as colouring and causing our relationship to fail, but he never cultivated that trust with care and compassion. Our beginnings were not conducive to trust, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was untrustworthy about him and his actions (if he is willing to cheat with me, he will cheat on me. And I later found out that when he was pursuing / sleeping with me at the beginning of our affair, he had a girlfriend), and he didn’t try to cultivate that trust. I can acknowledge where I went wrong and how my own negative self-belief (and my own emotional unavailability at the beginning) led to this relationship, but it does not stop the pain and feeling of rejection, particularly when he leaves you for another woman.

The more I read these posts, the more I can try to objectively assess my relationship (or non-relationship) with my ex. I went through a self-blaming period (if only I was … he would have committed to me). I am trying to stay with NC and it is very hard. I am trying not to obsess either, and reading this post as well as everything on this website has been like a healing salve to the deep hurt, confusion, and utter devastation that my relationship has brought.

Sorry it has been so long. I’ve been reading other people’s stories here on this site and I have found it has helped. I hope my story can help someone else so they don’t feel alone.

Mel.

Thanks, She still wont be completely honest and I do admit my beahvior was disrespectful at times. Apparently last night she went into my facebook account and saw an e-mail that said “I felt like she just got up and left without really explaining anything.” She took that to mean that i have not changed and will not take responsibility for my actions and was blaming her for everything.There was anothre e-mail that said i took responsibility for my actions etc.. but she said that one didnt really matter because of the other. I also tried to delete them because i know they would start a huge fight. I regret that ..but thats honesty. I love her and gave into her way too many times over the last month but it stops now. I cant continue to let her act this way and me not have a scintilla of info other than its my fault. DC

I am still going through it myself, but I have traded in my rose-colored glasses for bi-focals, so I can look past all of the layers of delusion…

Good luck dc!!

-Autumn

Gayle is completely right! It all comes down to boundaries. I never even knew what this word meant until my lastest AC, and just like Gayle said, once I became aware of it I saw how much I lacked them in every area of my life. I once read an article that said that often “the things we are best at giving are the things we are worst at receiving” – meaning, sometimes we love so much and give so much to others, and excuse people for their poor behavior, but don’t ever expect or require them to do the same for us.

I am SO guitly of this in my relationships – making excuses, oh he is just stressed out, he didn’t really mean it, if I can only give him space he will come around… and all sorts of BS!!! It is our own form of control – if only we are the perfect girlfriend, they will owe us the relationship that we are seeking. If we don’t let them down, they won’t let us down.

But the problem is, he already HAS let you down. I’m sure you are the kind of loving person who is able to see the good parts of him, and you DO care about him and probably will always continue to do so. And that is ok – it is a wonderful gift to be able to focus on the positive aspects of people. However, this is where the boundary part comes in. You can care about them, wish them well, hope they are OK… and still see them for what they are, which is a user, a taker, and someone who probably does NOT care about you. If he did, he would be thinking things like “Oh, I should really stop being such an AC because I love her and don’t want to hurt her.” Do you think this thought EVER crosses his mind? Doubtful.

I know this sounds harsh, but it is the reality with these AC’s. They only view other people in relation to themselves – what they can get from you and how much you’ll give them without requiring anything on their part. And you are probably the kind of person who always thinks about what you can GIVE. It is a fundamental difference in perspective, and people who don’t care about the havoc they wreak on someone else’s emotions are toxic, toxic, toxic.

I know you are afraid of letting anyone down, but what about letting YOURSELF down? Each time you engage with someone who disrespects you in any way, you are sending yourself the message that you are not worthy of anything better. I know that it is SO easy to say and so difficult to do. It took me a long time to even start to believe in this concept, but it really can happen if you commit to it.

One thing that helped me is to make a list of all of the things he has said and done that you would never toleratee from a friend or someone else whom you weren’t in love with. Read it out loud, tell the stories to other people, make a joke out of it… because really, his behavior IS a joke.

Another thing that helped me practice setting boundaries is to start with people I trust. The next time a friend asks you to get brunch when you actually feel like staying in bed and watching a movie, try saying “I’d love to another day, but I feel like staying in bed and watching a movie today.” Just like that. Give yourself permission to say no. If she is truly a friend, she may be disappointed, but she’ll get over it. You will probably feel horribly uncomfortable at first, but once you realize that the friendship won’t collapse if one of you occassionally disappoints the other, your subconscious will start to believe that it is OK to act in your own self-interest.

I don’t know… just some thoughts here. I certainly haven’t perfected the art of boundary-setting, but it is high on my to-do list this year! I am paying so much more attention to the concept now, and life keeps throwing me small chances to practice it in all kinds of situations. It’s amazing how the universe works if you choose to trust the process.

Best of luck to you, be strong in your NC and remember that sometimes leaving the past in the past is the only way to open a new door in the present.

What do yo think may happen to him? Please ask also ask yourself if he would have the same concern for you?

Re. the control. The blessing of this nightmare of a relationship has helped me realize that I needed to establish boundaries in every aspect of my life, this includes family as well as friends. When I finally established boundaries-dumped a few toxic people -I realized that I had a much more positive support system and was also attracting better people to my life. Good people are attracted to those that love and respect themselves and instill boundaries, and I guess what I’m trying to say-in a long-winded way-is that we cannot continue to extend energy for those who do reciprocate as it is just a waste of time and emotion. The longer you remain in NC the easier it will become for you.

Good luck!

You are just so right. Control, control, control. It is maddening, isn’t it?
SmarterNow
Can you pls tell me how can i be in more in “contol” of myself when i’m so affraid to let someone down. I’m having now almost 3 months NC but i’m so worry maybe something will happend to him and then i will feel afful because i broke contact. yeah i know i’m so naive and maybe stupid but i just really care about everyone included Mr Unavailable.

But I think you’re absolutely right – it is all about control with these guys, and having lots of women at their fingertips so when one decides she’s had enough, they never have to face the loneliness, regret, etc. that might follow. AC’s have perfected the art of never having to feel the emotions of rejection or missing someone. It’s all about controlling not only the other person, but also their OWN feelings. My most recent EUM told me that every time a relationship starts to become significant, he starts to feel completely anxiety-ridden over it. They can’t handle any kind of strong feelings (good OR bad), so they keep everything deliberately at surface level to avoid putting themselves in a situation where they might begin to care.

You are just so right. Control, control, control. It is maddening, isn’t it?

This has been my struggle too, and only today it really hit me that they KNOW we’re a catch, and that one day we’ll leave them. So they try to control us with any method possible, when that fails we are discarded.

I think that what many AC’s really want is a woman who appears independent but is prepared to give up everything for him and become dependent on him. His ego is boosted as he then appears to have ‘caught’ a strong woman, but it’s actually all under his terms and his need to control the situation will come out in many different ways. Stonewalling, dripfeeding, gaslighting, whatever – it’s all designed to keep us off kilter and boy does it work.