De

I do not consider this guy an abuser. We have not been that intimate. Yes, we had been a little intimate, but only tops off etc. I do think he should have cut it off or disappeared completely (not a great option, but better than the fishing expedition).

He is clearly very immature, but he did not abuse me. He treated me with no consideration for consequences or feelings, and was a coward, but it was not abuse.

Besides, what goes around, comes around, and he is loosing out on very cool women with his behavior.

It is my understanding that he did not know I would be at the party. He had not asked my friend before, and she had not told him, as far as I know. Besides, our last interaction was him calling and me not calling back, so I was ok from a reputation standpoint.

As to my friend, she knows he behaved like and ass, and I too have male friends who behave like asses, but I do not stop being friends with them. They have a long friendship, and I do not begrudge her that. I think she feels like he is stuck being 20, not the 28 year old man he actually is.

He works in banking on the research side, his friends are all single, and he is surrounded by men whose maturity level is really limited. He moves every year. That seems weird too, but my glass house is not so fantastic!

BUT he is also playing hard to get, too. If it were a woman doing this, a man would call her “hard to get”. (HOWEVER, a woman playing hard to get wouldn’t place a call and not make it/leave a message. Still, this is “feminine”/effeminate behavior this guy is displaying. Woman-influenced. Hence the mama’s boy analogy.) In any case, this guy’s actions/games spell “total turn-off”. Also, yes, a total bruise to a woman’s sense of self-worth. (There lies the abuse.) Better to have seen this early on, as you say!

How old is this guy? Is he in a business (like information technology) where he doesn’t interact with too many people? Sounds like one of those i.t. idiots who is trying to make up for lost time with women! (And/or a gay, or misogynistic, guy. Definitely a guy with issues as to women. Even if they may be minor, as in the case where he is just too immature.) Maybe he still lives at home with his mother–or just left mama!

Whether he wanted this to go further but only if you did all the work/chasing, or whether de did not want to go out with you again at all, this guy is an insensitive idiot. Who thinks everyone will let things roll.

You should not have smiled and waved. This guy deserves to be told off–to be told that he is an asshole and an idiot.

This is where the friend is not so much a friend. She should not even be talking to the guy, after the way he treated you! At least from now on, she shouldn’t!

When he asked me out then stood me up: ‘Sorry about yesterday – can I make it up 2 u’ [via text message the next day]

When I called him out on his shennanigans: ‘You’re the one that’s hard to figure out! I’ve never had a girl play as hard to get as you!’

Final straw was after agreeing to ‘be straight’ (his actual words) with one another, three days later he is blowing off my calls & texts like old times. I am officially & totally done with him now. All contact is over. The only thing that sucks is that I have to drive by his house on a daily basis. Damn small town living.

you sound like you are taking care of yourself and understand it’s his behaviour that is questionable and has little to do with you.. and thats the best news

NEXT!!

De

Firstly, I was going to the party before he was, so I do not know how that is too much interest. And when at the party, I smiled and waved, I did not approach him or chase him. I have no idea why he was calling.

Secondly, in all fairness, he is not a player, he is a coward yes, and deeply immature and a jerk, but this is more inexperience than anything else, and being deeply self centered. He is not at a place in his life where he considers that his actions have ramifications.

My mutual friend said he only has dated women for a month or two, and my guess is that this might be why.

The fact he was intimate with Michelle and didn’t call for 9 day’s is an act of passive aggression… passive aggression is an act of abuse… leaving some-one hanging, calling and not leaving a message, typical AC behaviour to gauge if you are the girl who will put up with shit and do the work in the relationship. This guy is obviously looking for someone to abuse and he is testing Michelle’s waters. CREEP!! Not communicating after closeness… ignoring after being intimate, being ambigious, vague, unavailable in proximity. Devalueing someone and then discarding them is not an act of care, honesty, or good behaviour. Gee whizz, I’d say the guy has been pretty abusive. Emotional abuse is the destroyer here. How’s your self esteem Michelle?? Cowards and jerks are nasty peices of work. They scare me.
How horrid to have him call her friend to hang out only if Michelle wasn’t there, Jaayysuus…Ouch! I think my self esteem would be pretty bruised (as in abused!!) If that aint a punch in the ole solar plexus.. what is!?? If it doesn’t feel good…what is it??

Of course I could be projecting and the guy is an honrable guy and just forgot to call after being intimate, felt embarrassed for not calling when he saw her at the party…OH BOY, the excuses I could make for this guy…cause I’ve been there and made them before. I prefer the other scenario..the realistic one, just so I can keep hold of some pride and sanity.

As I say…just been through this whoooole scenario.. I did not play his game, but watched as the game unfolded, as he tried every trick in the book to keep me as the ‘abused girl’, when he realized I was NOT playing his game it went right down the road to the new girlfriend and the crocodile tears at losing me. And he said through his tears ‘I’ve lost you’ and I said ‘yes, you have’, his reply ‘well you’ve lost me too’. the only thing I lost was someone who abused me.

Michelle, laugh my dear… you have been spared.

Used, am I wrong??? And if I am just projecting my fears onto Michlles scenario it is because I saw the red flags and walked through the rest of the story. The story ends in abuse!

xx to you both De

Michelle’s guy is DEFINITELY a jerk, a coward, and someone who wants to be chased. But an abuser? On what facts do you base this opinion?

Also, for sure he wanted to meet up with the mutual friend–as long as Michelle wasn’t around. So he is 2-faced: he is one way when Michelle is around, and another way when she is not. Telltale signs of a player and a dishonorable “man”.

BTW, Michelle, you have very good guy friends. They are dead-on in their judgment. AND don’t blame (or get mad at) your friend for what happened. She actually helped you out, in proving that this guy is a coward, a jerk, a Loser, etc.

Also, I think he probably had an ex or two in the room, as well.

Bad that you went to the party (you showed too much interest). Good that you got some info./facts out of it, In any event, this guy is a jerk for leaving you hanging. Good guys don’t do that!

Maybe he called you to see if you were going to that party! To prep himself. All for selfish reasons.

Jerk.

Good luck.

I’ve just been down this exact road..only he ws a friend of seven years, I did’nt call him once and he still led me on a merrydance of waiting for his call. As long as you are thinking of him, he wins! sooo sick!

This guy is a jerk and very very probably an abuser, he is coward and if he was feeling awkward and didn’t communicate or try, then cut your losses. He is also plaaying you to get you to the chasing!! eeewww the worst red flag and truly make this a deal breaker!