When Sex Becomes Freakier
August 17, 2006 by Vixen
“There’s something new in bed that I would like us to try,” your lover broaches one evening. With trepidation you listen to his request, knowing that no matter how open-minded you are, there are some things that you will never, EVER do. What do you do when he wants you to do something in the sack that isn’t your cup of tea?
I always operate on the “Try It Once” policy. If I have never tried something, and it doesn’t sound too freaky, I will give it one shot. As in only one, if you mess this up or I don’t like it in any way you will stop immediately and I’m totally crossing it off the list forever and ever don’t ask me ever again!
If I had tried it before and have had a bad experience with it, I’ll articulate this to him. Knowing most guys, he will try to rationalise or allay your fears. “You didn’t try it with me so it doesn’t count. I’ll make it really good,” he might say.
Just keep in mind that your fears are very important and should not be pushed into a corner. You do not have to do something that you don’t want to do. Ever. There is no obligation that automatically comes with the assumption of a relationship. If having a boyfriend comes with all kinds of kinky, freaky strings attached involving animals, bondage or S&M I would rather forgo the boyfriend then give up my attitude. Because sex is supposed to be fun. And if you are doing something that you aren’t enjoying—HELLO, it’s no longer fun!
Be sure to communicate your feelings with him. If it seems like something you might be into, tell him that you will try it or think about it. During this thinking about it phase is when I talk to my girls to see if they have ever done this and what their stories are. Because honestly, I don’t want to learn the hard way that hand-blown glass really does break in one’s vagina.
As in all elements of a relationship, communication in the boudoir is very, very important. If he keeps pressuring you, or won’t let up on it no matter how many times you tell him no, suggest a really freaky idea of your own. I’ve found most guys back off really quickly when I tell them that to trade I have this fantasy of sticking something huge in their nether regions. Heh!
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I posted on a related topic a short while ago. The general feeling of the comments I got from female readers was that they don’t like it when guys feel their partners should have to step up to whatever fantasy activity they have in mind. It’s good, like you say, for gals to be open-minded, but the guys should be open-minded enough to know what lines the gals really don’t care to cross.
Thanks — this needed saying.
The problem of course is fear. Fear of rejection, ‘If I don’t do this, will she/he find someone else to do it with?!’ As in, sneaking around, or leaving.
Hopefully we make smart choices, ‘Well, if you have to go, I hope you find happiness.’ If the fantasy is important to our partner, that they won’t give it up only because we ask once, then letting go is the only sane approach. The alternative is to give our partner a moral/ethical leverage against us, an affirmation they can maneuver us to do things — a dangerous and disrespectful turn of a relationship.
This is one area, sexual fantasies, that I would not try to talk out, compromise, or make an ultimatum. Leave them a clear and uncluttered opportunity to make a choice, their fantasy or not. No guidance, no ‘if you love me’ manipulation. If they stick to the fantasy, run away while you are still safe. Talk about the fantasy or request, understand what is being asked. But it is much more important to know how deeply she or he is interested in kinky stuff, than whether he or she is willing to try to do without .. for an inducement.
If the point of sex (the reason people still do it after thousands of years) is to make babies, about anything that contributes to sex that might (if precautions aren’t taken) result in a pregnancy might be worth a try. Other acts and scenarios start getting iffy or downright destructive of health, relationship, self-image, and legal status. When in doubt, consider, ‘Do I want my partner helping raise my kids?’ Like the transition from ‘virgin’ to ‘experienced’, some things can never be undone.
I have heard ‘marry in haste, repent at leisure’. Perhaps this warning also applies to variations on lovemaking.
Andrew - You have hit the nail perfectly on the head. It’s OK to be open minded but there is often a wide gap between each of the sexes versions of open minded. There often isn’t enough care and attention given to the feelings and boundaries of the woman in this situation and I think men need to learn more about how to address this situation to avoid creating unneccessary hurt or misunderstandings. They need to be more realistic.
Brad - As ever you make very interesting comments! When we get together with men, we really should know if our man is into run of the mill stuff with pockets of exploration or whether he’s into some freaky deaky stuff that could make your hair curl. Personally I think when kinky requests stray into an area that is too risque for a partner, there should be a sense of forboding. People don’t just stop desiring and if someone is really into the kinky stuff and you aren’t, it will be difficult to be satisfied and the pressure will always be there. To that end, I wouldn’t go out with someone who was keen on swinging for example, and if they asked me, I would feel that we weren’t on the same wavelength. There is a big difference between trying a new sex position, dressing up, even a little bondage than asking me to put my keys in a bowl and shag someone else….