Comments on: When trust is absent from a relationship, there isn’t a relationship http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Thu, 18 Mar 2010 02:28:42 +0100 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: am http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-250476 am Fri, 27 Nov 2009 05:48:22 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/#comment-250476 I recently read the book "Men Who Cant Love" about the DISEASE of commitment phobia. It is a real disease apparently, not a silly excuse. SO, my question for NML, are assclowns and EUs just a type of commitment phobia??? They have so many of the same symptoms... I recently read the book “Men Who Cant Love” about the DISEASE of commitment phobia. It is a real disease apparently, not a silly excuse. SO, my question for NML, are assclowns and EUs just a type of commitment phobia??? They have so many of the same symptoms…

]]> By: Leonine http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-250438 Leonine Thu, 26 Nov 2009 02:12:58 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/#comment-250438 "...I was lonely with him anyway and I don’t like feeling that way..." I so agree with this, NML, as with everything else in the article. I recently had no choice but to be around The Player again and to listen to him expounding about himself and playing the wonderful Mr Lean On Me to someone who is very, very vulnerable at the moment... And, dammit, I almost fell for his Clap-trap again - until I remembered how often I wondered back then, "Is it this one he's going after now?"; "Is it her?"; "Or her?" Even the widow of a very dear, mutual friend... "Is it her?". He cannot be trusted with anyone - or anything, either, it seems, seeing how he took over and somehow ended up starring centre-stage in our friend's FUNERAL!!!! Even side-lining the widow and having her Thank Him every step of the way!!!! When does their lack of Trustworthiness ever get to show to all on-lookers? Well, never mind: it shows to me now, and that has to be enough for the time being. Best Regards, Leonine “…I was lonely with him anyway and I don’t like feeling that way…”

I so agree with this, NML, as with everything else in the article.

I recently had no choice but to be around The Player again and to listen to him expounding about himself and playing the wonderful Mr Lean On Me to someone who is very, very vulnerable at the moment…

And, dammit, I almost fell for his Clap-trap again – until I remembered how often I wondered back then, “Is it this one he’s going after now?”; “Is it her?”; “Or her?” Even the widow of a very dear, mutual friend… “Is it her?”.

He cannot be trusted with anyone – or anything, either, it seems, seeing how he took over and somehow ended up starring centre-stage in our friend’s FUNERAL!!!! Even side-lining the widow and having her Thank Him every step of the way!!!! When does their lack of Trustworthiness ever get to show to all on-lookers?

Well, never mind: it shows to me now, and that has to be enough for the time being.

Best Regards, Leonine

]]> By: ph2072 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-250427 ph2072 Wed, 25 Nov 2009 22:31:10 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/#comment-250427 "Yes, I am horny but the moment that the sex is over, I’m going to feel like sh*t. I know this because I have been down this road many times and built up my hopes only to be disappointed. It will just be sex and I will want more, and he can’t give me more. I think I’d rather be horny for a few hours or even days, than disappointed and hurt for an extended period of time." What a coincidence. An ex has offered that, stating that he'll fly me to see him. His words and actions don't match. Needless to say, I'm not going. My friends think I should, but I don't accept crumbs. I want the full loaf of bread, dammit. :-| “Yes, I am horny but the moment that the sex is over, I’m going to feel like sh*t. I know this because I have been down this road many times and built up my hopes only to be disappointed. It will just be sex and I will want more, and he can’t give me more. I think I’d rather be horny for a few hours or even days, than disappointed and hurt for an extended period of time.”

What a coincidence. An ex has offered that, stating that he’ll fly me to see him. His words and actions don’t match.

Needless to say, I’m not going. My friends think I should, but I don’t accept crumbs. I want the full loaf of bread, dammit. :-|

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-250417 NML Wed, 25 Nov 2009 18:01:51 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/#comment-250417 de-lightedtobefree - Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. Hell we all make mistakes. If you can start to feel trusting within yourself, you'll have better awareness of who you do and don't want to be around. Ashley - Spot on. This is why illusions are dangerous because we're putting faith and trust in something that doesn't exist. If we register red flags and have boundaries, you are automatically aware of where you can and cannot direct your trust. Annied - I'm sure you've heard it before, but this guy is an assclown. He's deluded and that's because he takes no responsibility for where he's at. He's the type that describes women who expect a modicum of decency from their men as psychos. He's in a fantasy world and the moment that he realises that all relationships require certain key things and that he must be expected from, the novelty will wear off. You have to stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Phyllis - I used to be accused of being too harsh. Friends say stuff like that because they project their own relationship values and behaviour on you. If you are taking the time to decide if you can trust them and are making evidence based decisions - noting red flags, discomfort etc, then you have to be confident in your decision to be cautious about someone. If your fears are internal fears and not based, per se, on the person, then I would question whether you are being fair in your judgements. MaryC - Cheating is bad enough but dripfeeding the truth is shoddy. Steer clear of people that feed you the truth in dribs and drabs because there are more untruths to come. Leela - You must have confidence in your decision - If you know someone has behaved in an unacceptable way and that you cannot get the relationship you desire, you made the right choice. Actions speak louder than words. Relationships take work but not the type where you need to force the other person on board or do all the feeling for the two of you. Wild Thing - That's the key. You must act in your best interests and sometimes that means making uncomfortable decisions where your heart hasn't caught up with the reality. You will get through this and beyond -stay focused on you and keep it real. Blaise, De and Aphrogirl. "Trust is about having faith in other people's actions.<strong> Trust in relationships isn't just about having faith in their actions, but also in yours</strong>. If you don't feel like you can use your gut, judgement and instincts, you won't trust yourself, so you'll place the responsibility for what does and doesn't happen on the other person and resist making a judgement and taking action." I agree with you. When I said that it was also about having faith in your actions, that's your actions period. That's having faith that whatever you do or you don't do, you're OK. That's tied to unconditional love - no matter what is taking place around you, you still love you. It shouldn't be a case of, something sh*t happens and you decide that it is a reflection on you and decide that you don't love you as a result. - see my previous post on <a href="http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/whats-unconditional-love-got-to-do-with-it-got-to-do-with-it/" rel="nofollow">unconditional love</a>. And yes Aphrogirl, it is interesting that on this post, on a couple of occasions certain lines were homed in. This is actually something though that we will have found ourselves doing in our relationships. Cece - Anytime someone displays their untrustworthiness, I agree that you should take it as you see it. Don't turn it into something else or pretend it doesn't exist. MaryC - "I refuse to be anyone’s victim and I refuse to let anyone diminish my faith in myself ever again. I’m going to always listen to my gut and not wear the rosecolored glasses aphrogirl talked about in her post." Amen! Repeat it to yourself often! de-lightedtobefree – Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. Hell we all make mistakes. If you can start to feel trusting within yourself, you’ll have better awareness of who you do and don’t want to be around.
Ashley – Spot on. This is why illusions are dangerous because we’re putting faith and trust in something that doesn’t exist. If we register red flags and have boundaries, you are automatically aware of where you can and cannot direct your trust.
Annied – I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but this guy is an assclown. He’s deluded and that’s because he takes no responsibility for where he’s at. He’s the type that describes women who expect a modicum of decency from their men as psychos. He’s in a fantasy world and the moment that he realises that all relationships require certain key things and that he must be expected from, the novelty will wear off. You have to stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
Phyllis – I used to be accused of being too harsh. Friends say stuff like that because they project their own relationship values and behaviour on you. If you are taking the time to decide if you can trust them and are making evidence based decisions – noting red flags, discomfort etc, then you have to be confident in your decision to be cautious about someone. If your fears are internal fears and not based, per se, on the person, then I would question whether you are being fair in your judgements.
MaryC – Cheating is bad enough but dripfeeding the truth is shoddy. Steer clear of people that feed you the truth in dribs and drabs because there are more untruths to come.
Leela – You must have confidence in your decision – If you know someone has behaved in an unacceptable way and that you cannot get the relationship you desire, you made the right choice. Actions speak louder than words. Relationships take work but not the type where you need to force the other person on board or do all the feeling for the two of you.
Wild Thing – That’s the key. You must act in your best interests and sometimes that means making uncomfortable decisions where your heart hasn’t caught up with the reality. You will get through this and beyond -stay focused on you and keep it real.
Blaise, De and Aphrogirl. “Trust is about having faith in other people’s actions. Trust in relationships isn’t just about having faith in their actions, but also in yours. If you don’t feel like you can use your gut, judgement and instincts, you won’t trust yourself, so you’ll place the responsibility for what does and doesn’t happen on the other person and resist making a judgement and taking action.”
I agree with you. When I said that it was also about having faith in your actions, that’s your actions period. That’s having faith that whatever you do or you don’t do, you’re OK. That’s tied to unconditional love – no matter what is taking place around you, you still love you. It shouldn’t be a case of, something sh*t happens and you decide that it is a reflection on you and decide that you don’t love you as a result. – see my previous post on unconditional love.
And yes Aphrogirl, it is interesting that on this post, on a couple of occasions certain lines were homed in. This is actually something though that we will have found ourselves doing in our relationships.
Cece – Anytime someone displays their untrustworthiness, I agree that you should take it as you see it. Don’t turn it into something else or pretend it doesn’t exist.
MaryC – “I refuse to be anyone’s victim and I refuse to let anyone diminish my faith in myself ever again. I’m going to always listen to my gut and not wear the rosecolored glasses aphrogirl talked about in her post.” Amen! Repeat it to yourself often!

]]> By: MaryC http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-250415 MaryC Wed, 25 Nov 2009 17:21:49 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/#comment-250415 I loved what de-lightedtobefree said "There are people in our lives, who don’t care if we can see truth or lies, or if we are ok or not as long as THEY are getting what they want." I know from experience that was what was happening in my case. BUT I do see his lies now and I really don't care if he's getting what he wants out of life or not anymore. I had faith and trust in him and that was shattered by his lies and deceit. I refuse to be anyone's victim and I refuse to let anyone diminish my faith in myself ever again. I'm going to always listen to my gut and not wear the rosecolored glasses aphrogirl talked about in her post. For me I let my love and trust in him color my better judgement but I'm trying not to be to hard on myself, easier said than done though. I loved what de-lightedtobefree said “There are people in our lives, who don’t care if we can see truth or lies, or if we are ok or not as long as THEY are getting what they want.” I know from experience that was what was happening in my case. BUT I do see his lies now and I really don’t care if he’s getting what he wants out of life or not anymore. I had faith and trust in him and that was shattered by his lies and deceit.

I refuse to be anyone’s victim and I refuse to let anyone diminish my faith in myself ever again. I’m going to always listen to my gut and not wear the rosecolored glasses aphrogirl talked about in her post. For me I let my love and trust in him color my better judgement but I’m trying not to be to hard on myself, easier said than done though.

]]> By: aphrogirl http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-250378 aphrogirl Wed, 25 Nov 2009 00:49:14 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/#comment-250378 I think Blasie and De are reading two very important interps into the same line. It is pretty easy to write something and have people read it in a different way than you intended. But, it often continues the dialogue and my thoughts in different directions and I like that. So ... “Trust is about having faith in other people’s actions.” I agree with what I think Blaise is saying...that you always must maintain faith in yourself, faith in your ability to be competent and hold it together when things get rough, faith and trust, (especially when you are hurting) that you are a survivor and faith that you do not not need someone else to "believe in you" as a reason to feel good. OK, and then maybe along comes the true test of this faith... Mr Super Sneaky Snarky Arseclown..... This is where De interprets the line to mean have faith in what you see behind the well rehearsed smokescreen - when you get a glimpse that a person is not so good. Have faith that what you are seeing then is the truth...( it was so hard for me to believe someone could be such an arseclown.) Don't put on those rose colored glasses and be fooled. Have faith in your gut and listen that your gut is telling you the situation is BS, he is a loser, and that you should split or risk becoming a loser like him too. Have faith that your gut is telling you to get out and NOT to turn the other cheek, be so kind that you hurt yourself, be too " loving" - as many of us have been programmed to do. Smiling and seeing Lisa Simpson doing the " Loser" thing on her forehead now :-))) I think Blasie and De are reading two very important interps into the same line. It is pretty easy to write something and have people read it in a different way than you intended. But, it often continues the dialogue and my thoughts in different directions and I like that. So …

“Trust is about having faith in other people’s actions.”

I agree with what I think Blaise is saying…that you always must maintain faith in yourself, faith in your ability to be competent and hold it together when things get rough, faith and trust, (especially when you are hurting) that you are a survivor and faith that you do not not need someone else to “believe in you” as a reason to feel good.

OK, and then maybe along comes the true test of this faith… Mr Super Sneaky Snarky Arseclown…..

This is where De interprets the line to mean have faith in what you see behind the well rehearsed smokescreen – when you get a glimpse that a person is not so good. Have faith that what you are seeing then is the truth…( it was so hard for me to believe someone could be such an arseclown.) Don’t put on those rose colored glasses and be fooled. Have faith in your gut and listen that your gut is telling you the situation is BS, he is a loser, and that you should split or risk becoming a loser like him too.
Have faith that your gut is telling you to get out and NOT to turn the other cheek, be so kind that you hurt yourself, be too ” loving” – as many of us have been programmed to do.

Smiling and seeing Lisa Simpson doing the ” Loser” thing on her forehead now :-) ))

]]> By: de-lightedtobefree http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-250313 de-lightedtobefree Tue, 24 Nov 2009 10:38:57 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/#comment-250313 Blaise, the line.. 'Truth is about having faith in other people's actions', does come back to you. YOU have to have faith in other people's actions... if you don't, then listen to your gut, something is wrong. If it feels bad it is bad. Some people aren't OK Blaise, thats the point, if you are then you are further ahead than others. We have to recognize when we feel ok and when we don't and what this means to us, to own it and to allow pure feeling to correspond and put us a state of actions, if we are in trouble, how the hell do we get out... know when to stay and fight and know when to leave. Personally this is what helps me the most here. There are people in our lives, who don't care if we can see truth or lies, or is we are ok or not as long as THEY are getting what they want. Time for us to trun that around and make sure WE are getting what we want, if not, we have to run as if our hair were on fire from get go, not after he has begged us to have faith in him..to give him a second third or fourth chance. To read the damn writing on the wall before it bites you in the ass and know YOU are worth more to YOU than he is. excuse the rant De Blaise, the line..

‘Truth is about having faith in other people’s actions’, does come back to you. YOU have to have faith in other people’s actions… if you don’t, then listen to your gut, something is wrong. If it feels bad it is bad. Some people aren’t OK Blaise, thats the point, if you are then you are further ahead than others. We have to recognize when we feel ok and when we don’t and what this means to us, to own it and to allow pure feeling to correspond and put us a state of actions, if we are in trouble, how the hell do we get out… know when to stay and fight and know when to leave. Personally this is what helps me the most here. There are people in our lives, who don’t care if we can see truth or lies, or is we are ok or not as long as THEY are getting what they want. Time for us to trun that around and make sure WE are getting what we want, if not, we have to run as if our hair were on fire from get go, not after he has begged us to have faith in him..to give him a second third or fourth chance. To read the damn writing on the wall before it bites you in the ass and know YOU are worth more to YOU than he is.

excuse the rant

De

]]> By: cece http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-250296 cece Tue, 24 Nov 2009 06:29:19 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/#comment-250296 Yep! The relationship that nearly killed me - was built on a house of cards - that is, I lost trust in him early on b/c of his repeated untrustworthy actions! Yet, I stayed, bitched and moaned, yet stayed and he never changed - only superficially anyway. I have learned that in the beginning of getting to know someone when they show you that they are untrustworthy - take them up on it don't look the other way. Case and point, in my post break up madness I met a guy who was flaky from the get go, he said one thing and did the other. Here, we are a year later and he just sent me an email announcing he would be calling me on the weekend, this after a year off disappearing, lying, and other stupid things - my response to his email was nothing - and guess what he never did call - true to form. I wouldn't even open the door to his foolishness, he only tried again b/c I had let him get away with it by "being nice" after he pulled his bullshit. He knows better now! Yep! The relationship that nearly killed me – was built on a house of cards – that is, I lost trust in him early on b/c of his repeated untrustworthy actions! Yet, I stayed, bitched and moaned, yet stayed and he never changed – only superficially anyway.

I have learned that in the beginning of getting to know someone when they show you that they are untrustworthy – take them up on it don’t look the other way. Case and point, in my post break up madness I met a guy who was flaky from the get go, he said one thing and did the other. Here, we are a year later and he just sent me an email announcing he would be calling me on the weekend, this after a year off disappearing, lying, and other stupid things – my response to his email was nothing – and guess what he never did call – true to form. I wouldn’t even open the door to his foolishness, he only tried again b/c I had let him get away with it by “being nice” after he pulled his bullshit. He knows better now!

]]> By: Blaise Parker http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-250294 Blaise Parker Tue, 24 Nov 2009 05:42:15 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/#comment-250294 Natalie, I have been thinking this line over: "Trust is about having faith in other people’s actions." and I realized I disagree. I believe Trust is having faith that you will be OKAY, if the other person's actions "fail" you - and learning not to engage with that person again if they do fail you. It should always come back to Self. Natalie,

I have been thinking this line over:

“Trust is about having faith in other people’s actions.”

and I realized I disagree. I believe Trust is having faith that you will be OKAY, if the other person’s actions “fail” you – and learning not to engage with that person again if they do fail you.

It should always come back to Self.

]]> By: Wild~~Thing http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-250291 Wild~~Thing Tue, 24 Nov 2009 05:21:41 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/#comment-250291 18 days NC!!! I am so excited! He used to creep into my dreams but that hasn't happened the last few days. I just keep busy doing esteemable things that make me feel good about myself (i.e painting my toes, reading, long relaxing baths, sharing with close friends etc.). The point made about trusting oneself is so vital. I think as long as my self esteem was low I was holding other people responsible for my happiness and when they failed- I no longer trusted them. The truth is I didn't trust myself to bring good healthy people into my life. I didn't even know what healthy people looked like. It has taken me some time to trust myself and the way I did/do it is to stay out of denial and stop lying to myself about who these men were. Therefore, I could no longer knowingly believe lies or disregard the times when I have been blatantly disrespected. I had to determine what my boundaries were(e.i. no lying, cheating, abuse, etc) and the hard part which is enforcing them. I also had to decide what my needs are in a relationship. I need honestly, trust, respect and care. I was so unavailable and got so tired of not having a true connection with a man that I made myself sick. I trust myself today to make the decisions that will serve in my best interest even it it hurts (i.e letting him go,). I feel good everynight that I go to bed knowing that I did not contact him. He made an attempt with a text 4 days ago but I totally ignored it. Come hard or Stay Home!! It hurts that I can't be with him, but honestly, it hurt while I was with him sometimes. I would rather hurt any day without him than with him. This site is AWESOME and I am so grateful that as women we are starting to learn to love ourselves and put us first. Warm Wishes, Wild~~Thing 18 days NC!!! I am so excited! He used to creep into my dreams but that hasn’t happened the last few days. I just keep busy doing esteemable things that make me feel good about myself (i.e painting my toes, reading, long relaxing baths, sharing with close friends etc.). The point made about trusting oneself is so vital. I think as long as my self esteem was low I was holding other people responsible for my happiness and when they failed- I no longer trusted them. The truth is I didn’t trust myself to bring good healthy people into my life. I didn’t even know what healthy people looked like. It has taken me some time to trust myself and the way I did/do it is to stay out of denial and stop lying to myself about who these men were. Therefore, I could no longer knowingly believe lies or disregard the times when I have been blatantly disrespected. I had to determine what my boundaries were(e.i. no lying, cheating, abuse, etc) and the hard part which is enforcing them. I also had to decide what my needs are in a relationship. I need honestly, trust, respect and care. I was so unavailable and got so tired of not having a true connection with a man that I made myself sick. I trust myself today to make the decisions that will serve in my best interest even it it hurts (i.e letting him go,). I feel good everynight that I go to bed knowing that I did not contact him. He made an attempt with a text 4 days ago but I totally ignored it. Come hard or Stay Home!!

It hurts that I can’t be with him, but honestly, it hurt while I was with him sometimes. I would rather hurt any day without him than with him.

This site is AWESOME and I am so grateful that as women we are starting to learn to love ourselves and put us first.

Warm Wishes,

Wild~~Thing

]]> By: leela http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-250282 leela Tue, 24 Nov 2009 03:00:55 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/#comment-250282 Thank you, this was just what I needed to hear! I once spent four years with an AC and this year dumped one after six weeks. I was upset, as I so longed for it to work out, but I know that my radar is on the mend precisely because I didn't spend four years with him when I so easily could have. Your article is empowering, and my judgement was right! Should there be a next time I hope to get the time between thinking he's a great guy to recognising he's an AC from six weeks down to less. Thank you, this was just what I needed to hear! I once spent four years with an AC and this year dumped one after six weeks. I was upset, as I so longed for it to work out, but I know that my radar is on the mend precisely because I didn’t spend four years with him when I so easily could have. Your article is empowering, and my judgement was right! Should there be a next time I hope to get the time between thinking he’s a great guy to recognising he’s an AC from six weeks down to less.

]]> By: MaryC http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-250262 MaryC Tue, 24 Nov 2009 00:37:51 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/#comment-250262 Thanks NML, trust is the basis of every relationship and when its broken its very very hard to come back from. My AC cheated on me and when I found out he said it had only been going on for a few weeks when in reality it was 3 months. Cheating was bad enough but to find out he'd lied for that many months was even worse. It was a double kick in the stomach. 38 days with NC !!!!! This site and all the ladies on it give me so much support. THANK YOU - THANK YOU - THANK YOU Thanks NML, trust is the basis of every relationship and when its broken its very very hard to come back from. My AC cheated on me and when I found out he said it had only been going on for a few weeks when in reality it was 3 months. Cheating was bad enough but to find out he’d lied for that many months was even worse. It was a double kick in the stomach. 38 days with NC !!!!! This site and all the ladies on it give me so much support. THANK YOU – THANK YOU – THANK YOU

]]> By: Phyllis http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-250249 Phyllis Mon, 23 Nov 2009 21:32:54 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/#comment-250249 I have been criticized for being "judgemental." I don't make what is considered snap judgements but I am presently old enough and have been burnt enough in my life to take care not to step into a trap with say, a warm/cold person, a game player, an insincere individual, lier, etc. so I will "judge" or make a decision about that person. Thus, I may sometimes see in black and white and ignore the greys. Am I wrong? I have been criticized for being “judgemental.” I don’t make what is considered snap judgements but I am presently old enough and have been burnt enough in my life to take care not to step into a trap with say, a warm/cold person, a game player, an insincere individual, lier, etc. so I will “judge” or make a decision about that person. Thus, I may sometimes see in black and white and ignore the greys. Am I wrong?

]]> By: annied http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-250247 annied Mon, 23 Nov 2009 21:20:51 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/#comment-250247 As usual, I can relate to this. I think I knew from the first that he didnt trust women, but I was hell-bent to prove that I was different! That I was the one who could change him! ... Now I know better and I have to keep telling myself that his recent claim that he now wants a gf (because I never was - for three years) doesnt hold water. The following lines are what he said to me a couple months ago in a tift. Does he sound like someone who will trust ANY woman? No way ... "We have the relationship that we do because I don't wanna go through all that emotional shit all the time and the arguements ... Dealing with a person brings a fair amount regardless, having a woman lay claim on you brings a rediculous amount of that crap ...And I'm not gonna have it." As usual, I can relate to this. I think I knew from the first that he didnt trust women, but I was hell-bent to prove that I was different! That I was the one who could change him! … Now I know better and I have to keep telling myself that his recent claim that he now wants a gf (because I never was – for three years) doesnt hold water.

The following lines are what he said to me a couple months ago in a tift. Does he sound like someone who will trust ANY woman? No way …

“We have the relationship that we do because I don’t wanna go through all that emotional shit all the time and the arguements … Dealing with a person brings a fair amount regardless, having a woman lay claim on you brings a rediculous amount of that crap …And I’m not gonna have it.”

]]> By: ashley http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-250225 ashley Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:37:57 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-trust-is-absent-from-a-relationship-there-isnt-a-relationship/#comment-250225 Great post. I think a lot of people's issues with trust stem from not reading red flags properly and having "blind trust" in earlier relationships. Getting burned by such behavior then spills over to your next relationship if you continue picking the same type of people to date. Or, if you continue to think "they must have the same good intentions I have or feel the same way I do", without receiving any solid affirmation that this is the case through your boyfriend's actions. It's a simple and old saying - but people need to "earn each others' trust". If you are going to date or associate with someone and be romantic, then guard yourself. Don't be too stingy - if someone acts in a trustworthy manner towards you and their actions indicate their intentions are good - trust them. However, if your gut says something is off, that this is only casual, he's not interested in a serious relationship, (and you DO want a serious relationship) then don't give him the amount of trust and that part of yourself that you would normally give to someone when in a serious relationship! Great post. I think a lot of people’s issues with trust stem from not reading red flags properly and having “blind trust” in earlier relationships. Getting burned by such behavior then spills over to your next relationship if you continue picking the same type of people to date.

Or, if you continue to think “they must have the same good intentions I have or feel the same way I do”, without receiving any solid affirmation that this is the case through your boyfriend’s actions.

It’s a simple and old saying – but people need to “earn each others’ trust”. If you are going to date or associate with someone and be romantic, then guard yourself. Don’t be too stingy – if someone acts in a trustworthy manner towards you and their actions indicate their intentions are good – trust them. However, if your gut says something is off, that this is only casual, he’s not interested in a serious relationship, (and you DO want a serious relationship) then don’t give him the amount of trust and that part of yourself that you would normally give to someone when in a serious relationship!

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