When You Are Mad At Him
Now eventually, even the nicest, coolest guy is bound to do or say something totally insensitive or annoying. Some women can let things slide easily, however for majority of us, there are certain things that push our buttons. We erupt, explode, see red and pretty much give him hell for whatever it is.
The biggest thing to remember when you are mad is that you shouldn’t fight dirty. Fighting dirty includes name-calling, making fun of, slagging and dissing him/his penis. When you are mad is not the time to remember all the 23 million things that he has done to annoy you but you never told him. Focus on the ONE issue that you are mad about, talk about it and then Let.It.Go. If he’s a smart guy, he should have figured out by now how to unruffle your feathers and get himself back into your good graces.
Venting your frustrations is a good thing to do in any relationship. You have to feel comfortable enough to let it rip and yet not cross those invisible boundaries. In your anger don’t degrade or punish him with the personal stuff that he told you. Don’t take the offensive, just express how you feel. Remember to use all those good communication words…I feel bad when you, I was upset when, it hurt my feelings when blahblahblah.
Don’t forget to give him direct reasons of why you are upset and what can be done to correct it in the future. Vague hints and subterfuge don’t work with guys, just be direct and call it like you see it. Hopefully he will take your advice and be more thoughtful in the future. Be willing to listen to his side of the issue too, keeping in mind that there are two sides to every story. He might not have realised that it would be upsetting to you or that it would cause problems. (Yeah, they can be obtuse at times). So do communicate and accept feedback. Remember to remain rational as you present your side of the argument, even if you are reverting to the “I don’t why but it really upset me,” excuse that we use oh-so-often.
My mom always told me never go to bed mad. So I tend to cope with what angers me directly rather than let it sit and fester inside. Everyone has their own different coping mechanisms however bear in mind that you do have to address the issue sooner or later, or it will become an axe waiting to drop.
Oh, and guys really HATE it when we bring up fights/arguments that happened weeks ago into the new argument. Mostly because they can’t remember that far back and they claim that any past actions are inadmissible in the blame game. I know it’s hard for most of us (who have the memory of an elephant) but let’s try and leave past issues in the past and only deal with the current issue.
So go ahead, get mad. Just let it go and enjoy your great make-up sex:)
Vixen is the Deputy Editor of Baggage Reclaim. Check out her blog the Bad Girls Guide.
Stuckey May 18th, 2006, 8:45 pm
The problem, in my experience, with dragging issues from the past into a current argument has nothing to do with my lack of memory, but more to do with the fact that the woman was simply wrong.
Before you cry ‘Witch’ and stone me to death, let me clarify that statement with a true story.
I was dating a girl, I’ll call her ‘The Temptress’ because that’s what I call her anyway, who would constantly argue with me, and every time would drag old arguments into current ones, and would say things that I didn’t remember. (And contrary to popular opinion, my memory is pretty good.) So I finally called her out and said she was making these things up and I had never said that, and I handed her a mini-recorder. From then on, any time she started fuming, I would tell her to start taping. Eventually, she called up an past argument that was on tape, and her ‘facts’ were proven inaccurate. I do, however, believe that SHE believed what she was saying.
My theory is that women will continue an argument in their head long after the man has stopped talking, and their perception of the situation changes the facts around in their minds. The number one cause of this is them not saying what they REALLY feel and leaving it up to the man to figure out the source of the anger through hints and innuendo.
Men may be stupid and forgetful, but women are crazy.
Post-script to that story is that The Temptress and I didn’t last too long after the tape recorder proved her fights were unjustfied, and once the make-up sex stopped, so did the relationship. *shrug*
-Stuck
Vixen May 18th, 2006, 9:49 pm
Hey Stuckey,
The Temptress sounds like a typical lady. You are right, when you guys no longer respond to our nagging sometimes some of us tend to hold the rest of the argument anyway to the detriment of the relationship. Hopefully this will open alot of other women’s eyes.
And hopefully you are now with a babe that knows how to fight fair.
NML May 19th, 2006, 10:26 am
Honestly, I have been howling with laughter here. Stuckey, kudos to you for taping those arguments, albeit it is a very male thing to do, whipping out evidence. You’ve made some very valid points about how women argue..I felt myself blush. I vow to argue better…
What, me worry? July 1st, 2007, 3:58 pm
Good article. Nothing drives me crazy more than a partner bringing up old or extraneous issues during an argument. Excellent advice: If you have an issue to raise with your partner, raise that issue, but leave other issues off the table until another time.
That said… here’s another piece of advice: When your partner raises an issue, and then in the course of the discussion starts raising all kinds of other issues, try to take a deep breath and avoid flipping out and crying “Foul!”. Try to calmly suggest that you would find it much easier to deal with one issue at a time. Or perhaps just listen, and try to figure out what the *real* issue is. Your partner may have started off bitching about A, not realizing that was really bugging him/her was B. If you refuse to discuss B, you may be missing something important that you need to deal with in order to fix things.
Oh, and one last point, while I think it is true that guys tend to be prefer to focus on one thing at a time, while women are more comfortable dealing with a wide range of things at the same time, it’s not just women who play the “bait and switch” game in arguments.