Many of us have grown up around people who have their own ‘quirky’, annoying, or downright outrageous ways of behaving. Some of us have been spared the childhood induction but then in adulthood have discovered that we clash with certain types of people or have issues in certain situations that leave us with a, “People won’t let me be me!” feeling.
If you struggle with having boundaries or asserting them, you will definitely have felt this way. It may be one of your biggest objections to having boundaries or asserting yourself in general because it seems like the type of people that you’re around / are attracted to or even the ‘world’ will ‘penalise’ you for basically being who you are and representing your own needs, wishes, and expectations, which is actually what assertive people do in general.
Here’s the thing: I get it, believe me – you don’t get to write a site like Baggage Reclaim without having cut your teeth without a lot of outrageous carry-on in your life – however, it is actually down to you to let you be you.
The alternative – expecting the universe to break you off a piece and grant you all your wishes, needs, and expectations without running into any issues and everyone acquiescing to them – puts you between a rock and a hard place. In that place you will either:
Engage in passive behaviour where you essentially silence who you are but somehow still expect to have your needs, expectations, and wishes met. Somehow you expect to ‘be you’ even though you’ve probably forgotten what that is while getting rolled out like a doormat on the People-Pleasing Trail.
OR
You go down the passive aggressive route where you play nice and agreeable and appear to go along with people’s agendas and then you engage in ‘opposite’ and sabotaging behaviour in an attempt to get your own agenda through the back door.
OR
You push through your needs, expectations, and desires with brute force – aggression – which leaves people feeling bullied, abused, and taken advantage of.
Likelihood is that you’re doing one or both of the former two and occasionally erupting when you can’t stuff down your feelings, needs, expectations, and desires any longer.
You have to allow you to be you instead of going “Oh they won’t do things my way so I’ll disallow my identity and go along with them” because that’s how you end up busting your boundaries or waking up one day not having a frickin’ clue who you are.
Your whole life will have gone by in a sea of avoiding asserting yourself, possibly because you thought it was a ‘bad’ thing to do, or possibly because you didn’t think that you ‘deserve’ respect or that you even have the right to assert your own needs, expectations and desires.
It’s not that I’m a hardass but I’ve learned this the hard way after my passiveness (and yeah at times passive aggression and aggression) brought myself and my health to its rock bottom – if having needs, expectations and desires scares people away, let them jog on and jog on fast.
The alternative is going through life with your hand on the head of the ‘real you’ that’s trapped inside of you and pushing it down or even smothering or drowning it. Slowly. Don’t allow this.
The key is in recognising the flaw in a ‘masterplan’ of spending your life knocking heads with the same people over and over and over again in different packages and situations.
So many readers have shared stories about how they’ve had family, friends, or exes talk over them, belittle, shut down their opinions, refuse to talk, shout instead of talking, silent treatment and all sorts of unpleasant carry-on and they rightly decide that they don’t want to be or are not this way. But what do these people then do?
They repeatedly engage with / go out with the same types of people and in knowing who they are, expect the other party to change.
When these people have conflicting values, different agendas or just don’t conduct themselves in a way that when they’re both interacting they feel that they’re able to represent themselves, they keep engaging with them in a way that says “Change so that I can be be!”
Of course change doesn’t happen or is limited and because it’s a recurring situation they end up feeling like they’re not allowed to be themselves. Actually, when you’re doing this, it’s the act of trying to get people to make you the exception to the rule and attempting to right the wrongs of the past that’s actually disallowing who you really are.
The truth is, someone who for instance has very conflicting values especially on the personal values front which governs character, and who even takes advantage of or even abuses you, is not someone who you could really be yourself with, unless being you is someone who isn’t themselves or is in a victim role.
Trying to change them is also the equivalent of attempting to disallow who they are so that you can let you be you and have your needs, expectations, and wishes met – yep, it’s the very same thing that you don’t want them doing to you.
Wouldn’t it be easier to be with someone or around people who you just be who you are and they’re themselves and you have a mutual relationship, whether it’s romantic or not? Couldn’t you just be who you are and let the chips fall where they may instead of worrying about ‘bad consequences’ or trying to change others so you can ‘catch a break’? At the very least be around people who are acquainted with the concept of respect.
Also, people cannot know who you are or ‘allow’ it when you present a ‘mask’ of a false self in the first place.You’re thinking “Let me be me!” and for the other person it’s the equivalent of “Er, but you don’t know who you are anyway! Sometimes you’re this, sometimes you’re that – make up your mind even if you cut me out of it!”
I’m now myself and there are still some people in my life that I majorly clash with because who I am doesn’t fit with who they are. They’d maybe like me to be more BS inclined or to relax my boundaries where they could run amok. That’s OK.
Allow you to be you instead of cutting that down with what you think you ‘should’ be so that you can feel approved of – in the end you finally realise that it’s your own approval you need most of all.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1083 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
• 
• 
• 
• 
Related Posts
146 Responses to When You Feel Like People Won’t “Let” You Be Yourself
Get Notified When There’s A New Post
Natalie’s Books
I'm also on Google+.
Ahhh, third date guy just called, yup called. I’m scared. Third date is on for Sunday. Suddenly my knees got wobbly. Where did my graceful BR legs go? I feel like the colt that went splat. I’ll be re-reading all the dating as a discovery phase and re-reading everything. Yikes. This guy is blowing very hot. Fortunately, I have Natalie, all of you, and I have a sense of ME. Between now and Sunday, I gotta get more of me figured out! Here goes. Another opportunity to discover who I am. I am scared and I am happy. Does that make sense?
PS. At 53, shouldn’t I know me by now?
Runner,
It sounds like you have yourself pretty well figured out for 53. Of course there is always more to learn – otherwise it may be dull living to 80+ !
You are allowed to go splat every now and then, too, in the re-learning to date phase. Enjoy your reading prep, and let us know how it all goes! Is he really “blowing hot”, or is he just a decent guy who knows that a phone call is more real than a text, and is just excited to see you?
Runnergirl, delight him, as you do us by just being yourself.Be as you usually are on a Sunday. I envision this as, “Hi third date guy, on Sundays I usually have coffee and a croissant and do the Sunday crossword and suduko. Wanna do the puzzles too? Then I read the editorial page, did you see the debate? And what about the jobs report? Then I usually go for a run,
wanna put on your sneakers and go for a run?. And what about your usual Sundays Mr. third date? Oh, football
watching, ok.(You can leave out the part that you’ll be checking in with the BR community) You go girl, relax!
Runner you are excited and looking forward to a third date with someone who interests you! Yay you! As my old boss used to say “You are not scared, you are exhilarated!”. Have fun discovering and just let it all unfold.:)
Hi Selkie,
The boundaries ‘push back’ you describe is not uncommon. I’ve done a lot of work, learning about how to have boundaries in group & individual therapy & then working with others professionally & passing the knowledge along. Often, when when we first become really consiously aware of our people pleasing behaviours, & attempt to assert ourselves, we end up over shooting the mark. In the early days as we practicelour new way of being, our attempts can be a little clumsy & instead be aggressive. There are all sorts of reasons for this. Firstly, we can’t expect to execute a new behabiour with perfect finesse straight up in every situation, from the get go. We may also realise that certain situations are tiggers for old wounds, in either a passive or aggressive direction. It can sometimes be helpful to reply a situation which didn’t go so well & imagine how you improve upon a similar cirmstance next time, actually rehearsing what phrase you might say or what you might do in your head. This rehearsal is likely to then come to mind when or if the situation represents.
Alternatively, if an anxiety inducing interacting is pending, similarly, try rehearsing how you might handle it in advance.
Stalling for time is also a good technique in any situation. Literally taking a moment out from the conversation, excusing yourself for a moment (allowing you circuit breaker time to think & compose yourself) & then returning to it to complete your interaction. The simple ‘count to 10 silently in your head’ method if you are feeling your anger rise, can also be helpful to distract yourself to aid impluse control.
I’ve used these techniques myself & they sound very simple & dorky but do work.
I like the sound of that book too. Do let us know if it’s any good or not.
T
I have a sticker on the back of my car that says that. IE Babe In Total Control of Herself! I kinda like that one!
Sometimes removing yourself from the source of an impending explosion before it erupts can helps ACaddict. Easy to say in hindsight I know. I read you post though & imagined you replying to your Mum’s team player comment with a big belly laugh & slap on the back as you wryly commented instead, ‘I learned from the best of em’ before informing her heading out for a walk & asking if she needed anything at the shop.
It may sound nuts, but sometime’s we have to train ourselves not to take the bait. If certain people can’t be trusted not to bait you when you’re mentally fragile it’s also ok to take a break from seeing them until youl feel more capable of coping with their behaviour. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It happens to the best of us.
Bowl me over with a doc martin! I have the same problem as you Rev. A very similar personality type. Mine developed because it literally had to, in order to survive. It was just my & sister & I together against the world from when I was 3 1/2 yo onward. She was only a baby when we were put into the orphanage & it was job to make sure I looked after her. I did my best but there were bullies targeting me at every turn (I at least managed to shield her). I quickly learned to push back, & twice as hard. We would not have survived otherwise.
Hence I don’t relate to my female gender role at all in the typical sense. It’s often been noted I’m very in touch with my masculine side although I’d argue I’m.more androgynous. Whatever I am I know it scares the shit out out of men. I’ve actually been told this!
I don’t build houses like Selkie but I don’t passively take crap from anyone either, especially, not men! This is why I’ve been single so long. I just don’t tolerate their BS. And neither should I or any of us!
DOC MARTINS!!!! HA, I miss those. Teachable, my dear tough girl, I don’t know if you just posted this comment or I just missed it the first time ’round, but I’m glad I read it!
Ironically, I tend to relate very much to my feminine side, but in more of a femme fatale way. I like powerful women, always have. And it’s uncanny how many men, no matter how I’m dressed or how docile I act (at least momentarily
, always comment on my “dominatrix” vibe, ha!
I’m not a controller, but on the other hand “don’t tread on me”, knowwhatimsayin’?
Hey, can we bust out our flannel shirts and doc martins and paint our fingernails black and rage against the system together? Ah, I miss being 14….
eh hmmm, some of us still like to wear them. Yes. I. Do.
Runnergirl … as we are ever changing, I think everyday we learn more about ourselves, we’re ever growing … we never know completely who we are … how boring that would be!!!
Enjoy the ride!!!
All the bestlwith the ‘the talk’ on the weekend Grace. I’m rootin for you. T xxx
I am lucky that my ex is far too secretive and sneaky to risk his lies and life unravel online on Facebook. I never even knew the name of his ‘friends’. I think his lack of online presence has helped me immensely in moving forward. I am in no way over him and wish I could see what he is up to but deep down I’m so glad that I can’t.
I’ve lived a lot, maybe died a few times over, however lately for some reason I’ve attracted a nut case. He wants me to change my life. Recently I’ve retired from work, planning to enjoy travelling, taking good care of myself, and hopefully finding a good male companion along the way. Many here might have already experienced this “life changing” phase already. Do I have a freaken sign posted on my forehead, reading “Looking for an assclown to change my life?” C’mon! Some men have not found dignity nor peace, and now they wish to teach others by bullshit alone, with no credentials on their part, name or proof that they know themselves enough to be life coaches and finance counselors? Have you had your share of men, who claim you can be a millionaire in a year, “IF” you follow their advice on how you can change yourself and become rich via becoming a “doormat” however they themselves can never “show you their own results or money?” OH by the way, they say trust them, you are not good enough as you are, or be in a relationship with them, he wants you to change….and why?…he only wants YOU to change so YOU can accommodate his greed, his narcissist personality and his empty pockets, all the while he’s convinced you that you are negative, and that is the reason you’re not a millionaire, however YOU have no debts, you’re retired, and you have a nest egg! Have you noticed what that man has? NOTHING! yet he will be teaching YOU. If you have changed yourself and thought you weren’t good enough while being brainwashed, just remember they were also brainwashed, and nothing you can do or say to change it…nothing will ever satisfy them, its not just about the money, its the control they crave, its their FIX, like a cocaine user’s fix, only YOU are the Fix they can’t live without. Narcissism has reached a new height through marketing of “self improvement” a new you which will rob YOU of loving yourself, it might take a while before you realize it, be vigilant. Any comments I would appreciate…thank you
Cat Nils
Ive taken this article and applied it to my work life situation. I’m 28 and I often find myself complaining that my employers and co-workders won’t let me be me. You see, I’m quiet, verrry quiet and reserved. I don’t like small talk and that gets me into trouble. I often am out of a job due to lay-offs, they can’t fire me because I excel at my job BUT I truly believe that my overzealous bosses use the company’s financial problems as an excuse to get rid of me because they find me uncomfortable to be around. I find myself being passive by taking on big projects that overwhelm me because I don’t speak up. I am learning to assert myself more. I’m also starting my own business so that I have control and financial freedom. Thank you for this piece.
Yeah I can relate to this.I have been in my current relationship for 4 years. We are planning on getting married on February 14 2013. It was pretty rough between us the first couple of years because I felt like I couldnt be myself and I was more or less walking on eggshells and he was trying to be Mr asshole Control Phreak or AkA Drama King #2: The Proprietor: (example: I asked him to help me pray for something I needed from God and when God answered my prayer the next day, he wanted or actually told me he wanted a THANK YOU in writing sent to his email LOL – unreal. lol) I told him he needed mental help after that request cause he wasnt joking . For the last 2 years he has been in and out of jail (hes now in prison) and would you believe he is still trying to be Mr.Control Phreak with Narcissist tendencies behind bars, only this time something snapped inside of me and I said phukk it, This is MY life not yours and I am going to be myself from now on,the person I have always been even before I met you and if you dont like how I am and what I do etc then theres the door, dont let it hit your ass on the way out or in other words if you dont like the way I am, then you dont have to marry me mf. I dont need another mother . If I decide I do need one I’ll let you know. until then find yourself someone else to put on a leash cause you havent got one around my neck married or not. I swear he is so deluded but I wont go into that here. I swear to g— I hate people who try to hide behind their guilty conscience bs by trying to accuse their other half of doing something that they are not even doing and in reality its them who are actually doing it. You follow me? And whats really hilarious is that they dont even have a piece of a clue that you are on to the head game they are trying to run on you. He is for a BIG surprize when he gets released next year. lol. I found all the pieces to the game puzzle that hes been playing with me. This game of psychological Warfare is coming to a close. Time for me to be my authentic self and blow his cover . ( I swear with some people its like, I swear to g– if you had a brain ,you’d probably take it out and play with it lol)
Today is my Birthday, I turned 51. Time to go light the candles on my cake and make a wish!!
what is 51 I feel like 25 anyone want to racer me around the block lol.
@Miss MovieStar…Err, why are you even considering marrying this man? This in no way reads like a healthy or loving relationship.