It can be pretty difficult to wrap your head around the idea that the person who you’re in love with and may have spent a great deal of time around, doesn’t want the relationship that you want. It puts you in a quagmire – you love them, you want to be with them, but in the process of doing so, you’re basically compromising yourself because whatever it is that they are offering (if anything), it might be leaving you dissatisfied or even ‘malnourished’. What can be incredibly perplexing and even painful though, is when they stick around (and you let them) but they still won’t cough up the relationship goods, or they go but they keep boomeranging in and out of your life, raising your hopes each time.
This situation will be all too familiar to you if you’ve thought stuff like, What the hell do they want with me? Why, if they know that they can’t give me what I want, are they still hanging around like a blue arsed fly letting me think that it’s a possibility?
One of two things are going to happen: You’re going to end up managing down your expectations until one day it suddenly occurs to you that your needs, wants, and expectations aren’t being met while they’re having a grand ‘ole time on their terms. Or, you end up in one of those awkward, standoff power struggles where you each keep trying to get your own way instead of just walking away.
When you find that you’re at odds with one another on the direction or even existence of the relationship this is really a code red alert that something is very wrong. It’s also a reality check – you need to fully evaluate the situation and rein your feelings in. It doesn’t mean that they’re shady (although they might be) but it does mean that you’re incompatible on what you both want out of the relationship which likely signals a clash of values.
You’ve either got to have an honest conversation and find a healthy compromise (if possible) or for the sake of your own self-preservation, make an exit even though it’s going to hurt.
If they turn around and say that they want to keep it casual when you’re actually looking to move forward into a serious relationship, I wouldn’t go into it because I can guarantee that it will end in big dollopy tears that belong to you. If you’re saying “Let’s move in” and they’re saying that they do want to move in (with you) but not just yet, then you can potentially find a compromise.
Unfortunately what tends to happen is you’ll either 1) dismiss the red flag, 2) blame you for the fact that they don’t want the same things and convince yourself that you’ve done something to jeopardise the relationship, or 3) take up a vocation in trying to change them. You may have a Return On Investment mentality of “I’ve put in X months/years so I cannot exit now because it would be a waste” neglecting to realise that if you ignore what the difference is telling you, you might be like a reader I recently spoke with who clocked up 12 years with someone whose position never changed and she’d known it from a few years in.
The problem is of course that the type of person who would hang around knowing that you want something different (or at least that you profess to) or who would keep a foothold in your life and be pretty damn disruptive while still coming back with the same paltry offering that you didn’t want or even less, is actually the type of person that you need to ensure that you do right by you because… they are really only thinking about things from their perspective and what makes them comfortable without really giving a great deal of thought to your comfort levels. In fact they may have an “I’m comfortable so they must be comfortable” attitude.
Keep in mind as well that they may outwardly claim that they’ve changed and are on board but the will passive aggressively do things that contradict this and undermine your relationship.
You may feel like you’re being ‘toyed’ with, especially if you’ve broken up a number of times and tried your best to move on, only for them to swoop in with big promises and short-term changes in their behaviour that soon roll back to their old ways. They can have a dog in a manger attitude – they don’t want you but they’re hogging up the proverbial manger and blocking access to you just in case they happen to change their mind.
I also know from personal experience how easy it is to be blinded by our feelings / libido / ego, but, you are giving off mixed messages. You’re thinking “Why the hell are they still here when they know I want ________” and they’re thinking, even if it’s on a subconscious level “Well they can’t really want it that much if they keep being with me and they know I’m not interested in that.”
You’re thinking that you’re showing your love and commitment to them and they think you’ve signed on to their terms and conditions.
You may also be thinking that their continued presence or their inability to leave you alone is a sign of their deep feelings and them gradually coming over to your way of thinking – unfortunately I’ve heard enough tales to know that actually, it’s not that they don’t care or love you but their commitment issues and differing values mean that they hold onto you because they’re afraid of losing you and so do their best to stall you until you run out of patience and chances.
Once someone says that they can’t give you what you want, take ‘em at their word.
Some people don’t know they’re born, they don’t know what they want, and they’re greedy. They want you without the responsibilities and commitment that come with. They value you when you tell ‘em to get lost and dry up the charm when you’re expecting them to deliver. Cut ‘em loose!
Once you see that they’re all talk and little or no action, take the big hint and do for the both of you what they’re not able to do – end it because you mean what you say and say what you mean and have the follow through in action to go with it.
Don’t allow someone to keep pulling the same con on you numerous times because there’s ‘hopeful’ and then there’s relationship crack.
It’s also important not to just focus on the fact that they keep coming back – they keep bullshitting their way in and leaving too. Or don’t just focus on the fact that they’re ‘there’ – it’s the quality of the ‘there’ that matters. You don’t need someone doing the equivalent of squatting on your property but being unwilling to actually contribute and move forward.
Unless they’re Future Faking and Fast Forwarding, you also have to stop creating possibilities out of sheer presence – possibilities come from consistent action over time and experiences. If you’re on a permanent date with someone because they do things that affect the consistency, balance, progression, intimacy and commitment of the relationship, you’re seeing possibilities where you shouldn’t and being blinded by the good times and potential.
Whether they’re coasting in a relationship on their terms or they keep popping back in your life, both of these things tell you that you need to decide what you need and want and act upon them instead of waiting for them to ‘do the right thing’ when from their perspective, they’re happy because things are on their terms. They’re just not that special that you should manage your expectations into crumbs for the ‘benefit’ of having them in your life. Remember that they can’t stay or keep returning if you’re no longer there.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Grace spot on my mm enjoyed my company i thought wow wee , i bet he enjoys the company of anyone he likes to act single the adoration of peeps blowing smoke up his bum and one day that sad fat bald man wont be in a band and will be a normal joe bloggs and me ill had move on and be awesome .
I am someone who likes a return on their investment.
I look back now and think how miserable I would have been if I had married the AC and I probably would have stayed married still hoping for a good return.
I hung on far too long with the ex eum thinking of all I had done and given and where is my return?
Recently I was told that I have been cheated on but it is me he wants I’m not flattered nor I am thinking cool now I will finally get a good return for my investment. This site has taught me I won’t I will get more of the same.
As Grace says above he is showing me what he thinks of me via his behaviour though his words are saying otherwise that he thinks very highly of me etc.
If I stay it shows a tolerance for this behaviour even though I don’t deserve it.
Yes I ignored red flags in the beginning but this is the first time I know I don’t have to hang on in there looking for a good return because I know there isn’t one coming my way. Slow progress but progress is progress.
I absolutely agree. I also ignored the red flags, and I keep asking myself “what do I hope to win?” Some lying, cheating AC who will never give me what I want? I’m realizing it’s silly to keep investing in a bad investment and I don’t understand why it’s been so hard to let it go, and why I even want to hear the bs he tells me when I know it’s bs.
Ps i know I will get more of the same because he wants to remain friends with the woman he just won’t have sex with her anymore.
Yeah, they all say that! It is amazing how far these guys can take us down the road of total self-abuse and disrespect when they have us wound around their fingers. The only way is to stand and stay strong and reject them from our lives – END OF STORY!
Mya. What is the status of the relationship now? He broke up with you, so why is he sniffing around and why are you letting him? He’s blowing hot and cold, and you’re playing “option” whether you are intending to or not. Flush him and go NC. And stick to it. Forget the “friends” BS. You’re just giving yourself unnecessary headache. He’s not that special.
Yep! The ONLY way to get past these types of relationship is to fully and totally just CUT THE NERVE. It’s amazing how great life can be without them.
Tired. Please use the term ” the ex-mm” not “my mm”. He was never yours.
As usual awesome post and so many great comments from the community here! I learn so much from all of you. I have to say that the last 2 days have been better than I could have expected. AC is not taking up real estate in my brain. In fact, I think the stupid crush for this cockroach has finally run its course. He showed his true colors yet again with a very arrogant and derogatory text (which I did not nor will not respond to) only this time I didn’t take it as flattery that he was actually taking time out to send me a message like I have in the past. No. I’m getting a sick feeling about him entirely. I very much doubt I will look at him in any positive light again. This is it, I’m finally on the road to recovery and freedom.
These posts have been a Godsend for me. My long-distance boyfriend has lied, cheated, manipulated me and did everything else that has pretty much destroyed my self esteem, and yet I still cling to the hope that he can be the person I fell for(before he had a baby with his stepson’s baby’s mother, then lied about it consistently). I want to believe his words, that he’s sorry and he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, but his actions have NEVER backed up his words. He makes no other effort besides offering empty promises, and then gets annoyed when I ask too many questions or don’t believe his answers. I feel ashamed at what I’ve been willing to accept. I don’t know why I want to believe him so bad or why I continue to engage in this charade of a relationship. Those are the answers I seek, and it probably has more to do with me than him, but this site has been immensely helpful in seeing things for what they are rather than what I want them to be, and atleast I know I’m not alone in falling for the manipulations of an assclown. Thanks, Natalie.
The reason we make such fools of ourselves for men is because we (naturally) need love from them. Trouble is, there are many who hook in to taking advantage of this very willingly, and the fact is, they certainly do not deserve the love we give them. It just comes down to doing what is healthy and right for yourself. The alternative is only going to bring more pain and confusion and weakness. All is not lost just because we lose the losers in life!
Oh yeah……I remember this one…. I did this with my ASS-CLOWN for five years.. When I broke off contact (been in NC for 7 years)
, and with Nat’s sound advice, I realized why he kept coming back… Sex and an ego stroke. No more convoluted delusions, or trying to mind read. Sex, and an ego stroke. After being happily married for over 2.5 years now, I think about how my priorities have changed. I might not have that “instant sizzle” with my husband (sexual chemistry IS NOT love), but I have a best friend, a loving and supportive partner who treats me like a queen (not to mention great sex).
Mazel tov on your wedding Nat!!! You deserve all the happiness in the world
Big Hug!
Res, just want to thank you for your definite statement “sexual chemistry IS NOT love”!! I think we need to hear this over and over to really let it sink it! Thanks again.
That’s a tough lesson to learn
But when I finally started thinking with my head (looking at behavior- pushing myself to discover- before investing), rather than other parts of my body- I developed the relationship that I DESERVE. Chemistry is just that…it doesn’t equate to love, and more so, chemistry without a developing bond wears off too, and it did with me and my EUM. Chemistry can be very confusing though, but remember, it’s not love, and it definitely IS NOT enough to make a successful and lasting relationship! BEST!!!
I just want to say that I wish I found your book and blog months or even a few years ago. I FINALLY ended a connection with a man I was with for 2-1/2 yrs. He drove me nuts saying he cared and would step up for a day or two, to only fall back to his old ways saying his life was a mess, he had issues, he wasn’t comfortable in me meeting his family…blah…blah. I have never had anyone play this yo-yo of emotions, and me being 48 and thinking I will never meet anyone again or that it will be years before I meet anyone again, I “SETTLED” for these crumbs of affection and time and it drove me nearly insane. Right now I am dealing with the thoughts of why I think I am less than if I don’t have a man in my life or that I am too damaged for anyone to love me. I guess I still have a long road ahead of me, but I sleep better these days not thinking about the EX.
WOW Stella this really hits home. I have been in a 3 yr relationship with this man that I loved with all my heart and soul,I gave up my house and family time for him and moved in with him because thats what he wanted..About 3 months ago we broke up(which this had happened about 4-5 times throughout our relationship. I got my own place again and he and i ended up together again.He was upset that i wouldnt give my place up and move in with himJust a week ago we had a little disagreement and that nite he went with his 24 yr old son (whom which lives with him now) to the bar and he meet another girl and never even had the guts to tell me. I had to find out through his sister. I still have not talked to him so am dealing with it as best as i can.
Funny that I should read this today. I’ve been trying to untangle myself from just such a connection with a MM. We were sexually involved for a year and a half, until the day that he decided he needed to make amends with his wife. Over the last ten months, we’ve been off-and-on “friends” while he claims to try to repair that relationship, despite there being problems in his marriage. Its easy to see that he has leaned on me to be his ego-stroke. Its never felt great. Over the last month or so, I have really felt tired. Really tired. I see that our internet-friendship (yes, its all over e-mail now. You don’t need to tell me, “fantasy relationship”. I get it) gives me nothing. It only gives me something if I make compromises, or if I hold onto the stupid belief that one day, there will be more.
I think that my patience with scenario#2 is drying up. I am going on my first blind-date tonight since the beginning of the New Year, which was the last time I had courage to consider other possibilities. I know that the man I am seeing tonight will unlikely replace the space that the UAM/MM has taken, but it’s the motion that counts. I am getting back out there.
Oh, and in all of this time, I have had plenty of time to be with myself. I’ve worked hard on myself, on my confidence, and on building up the rest of my life. I don’t need another person to fill the voice… so, by going out on a date, I don’t think that I am just jumping off one horse to get on another. (Just entering the crazy world of dating again… sigh, give me strength!)
Tinkerbell – status with him now is that I went NC on him and it has been a week. As soon as I did this, he blew up my phone for a few days. More than the past three months since we’ve been broken up.
I straight up ignored him and he texted twice wanting to know why I wasn’t talking to him. Called a lot too.
See what confused me is that we were friends since the breakup a few months ago and it was strictly platonic. I still had feelings and I’m sure he did too.
My concern was if he was playing games under the guise of friendship?
Just because he would blow hot and cold with communication with me. Took me to the movies (platonic) but then wouldn’t call me for two weeks huh?.
He knew I had feelings and I think he was taking advantage of that fact.
mya-
please go back to the previous page and read my reply and read tinkerbell’s – hers is better than mine.
to reiterate and extend – particularly from your follow-up reply it is clear that your head is jumbled over him. maybe he is capable of a purely platonic relationship, but YOU’RE NOT. if you were, you wouldn’t wonder if he was taking advantage of you, you wouldn’t care! and his past and present hot/cold behavior probably does mean that YES he’s still crumb-ing you. and really, how much of an insult is it that he could so easily go from wanting to marry you to being capable of being platonic – EJECT! his loss!
so, even if the process of logic that led you to NC was flawed, its still good you went NC.
but now you have to straighten out the logic – whatever feelings you have for him, he is a poor choice for you because he is unsuitable for a relationship, even a platonic one. even though he is capable of being honest about it (and THIS is how my exEUM got me, he was self-aware, so i jumped to the conclusion that he would become EA – WRONG! he was just GREAT at making excuses for himself and really didn’t have any interest in growth if it meant he actually had to change) he’s spectacularly EU and therefore cannot treat you with l/c/t/r. why would you want a boyfriend like that? why would you want a platonic friend like that?
no. you must give to and expect more for yourself. you must treat yourself with l/c/t/r. and that starts with maintaining NC, realizing that it doesn’t matter if he was trying to be “friends”, realizing that you didn’t make some mistake by cutting him off, you didn’t lose an opportunity. what you did was prevent yourself from being a FBG.
now, you stick to your guns.
This is a very painful post for me. Very, very painful. But also, very, very neccessary. And I DID finally stand my ground. You all know what happened next so I wont go over it. Everything seems so FINAL. I wonder if I’d still be standing my ground if he gadn’t died? I like to think so, but maybe it doesn’t matter. I stood it long enough to no longer be an issue. Nothing was left unsaid. He came up in conversation with my psychologist a few days ago. She had met him, & had dinner with us. I asked her, do she think everything he said & promised was all really just BS (because he could never follow through). It was one of the very rare times I ever allow myself to think about him. She didn’t think so. Rather, she thought that he really believed what he was saying & promising at time when he was here with
me but that when he would return interstate his ‘issues’ would take control & all bets were off. I don’t know what I think. As I say, I rarely allow myself to think of him at all. I did break this on/off pattern though (far more off than on). Thank goodness I did because he was destroying me.
I am not surprised to hear story straight from the horses mouth Cc. Not one bit. Sad but true.
I finally feel, that on this one post I have gained my BR diploma & passed at something! Another ex (still very much alive), contacted me by text a few weeks ago.
We broke up a few years back, and after 12-18 mths of NC attempted platonic friendship which didn’t go so well, after he made an appaling unwarrented comment, & treated me unkindly & disespectfully. At the time, I pointed this out in.no uncertain terms, called him a choice expletetive befitting his BS & promptly sent him packing. He made no attempt whatsever to atone for his wrongdoing (which spoke volumes, lol) & that was that.
Recently, he texts an apology, claimimg to want to be my friend & to be willing to do ‘whatever it takes to make it up to me’. Having had more than enough of this jerk by now, & noting this lame ass TEXT of an apology is A YEAR TOO LATE, I text back, & remind him of EXACTLY what he did & said which caused me to delete him from my life. He offers another LAME apology & now CRAPS on about how he ‘can’t forget how great I looked in my high heels & skirt that time he took me out to movies’ (we went dutch btw, oh I forgot to mention, he’s a terrible TIGHTARSE, with $, including on dates!) & now proceeds to suggest we go out for dinner sometime!
You all can just IMAGINE what I am thinking by this stage! Yep. 1. Who’s paying? & 2. not if you were the last guy standing buddy boy?! LMAO. Still, I reply, if you are reply, if you are GENUINELY sorry, instead of inviting me out for dinner why don’t you offer to do something to help me out to actually PROVE it ie he knows I’m ill & trying to maintain my home & car on very little $ & that there would be a mryiad of small tasks around the place I could really use his handyman skills to help with. THIS (funnily enough) gets NO REPLY.
The following morning I text to say don’t worry about it as I have more than enough REAL FRIENDS who WILL HAPPILY help & the that likes of him are frankly neither a friend nor welcome. I further explain that I cannot be ‘friends’ with someone who insults me & then takes a WHOLE YEAR before bothering to apologise. Then, when they DO apologise, it’s not even genuine!
The TRUE COLORS then shone through & I was called a ‘bitch’. I replied that at least I was an independent ‘bitch who owns her own home & not still living with my Mother at 40.yo having.never moved out of home, like himself & that although he thinks such a thing is quite normal he is sadly mistaken!
Now I was told to ‘fuck off’ & a whole other nine yards which I ignored & no longer replied to. Dare say he wont be back! No to-ing & fro-ing with that one! The old flusharoo worked just fine!! Amen to BR!! I got my diploma! Yay!!
You go, girl! This is the strength we women all need to find, no matter how much it hurts at the time. The end results to our own lives can be truly fantastic if we will just give it times. P.S. I’m praying your life situation improves – and do keep those great friends!
@Starr you are far from bitter….like RKelly say. When a woman’s fed UP there ain’t ” Nothing” you can do about it. Sick of the shenanigans and all of the mind fuckery. Stay strong. You are not alone.
Mya, sweetie. If you go NC, it’s supposed to be permanent and FINAL. You don’t continue on a platonic level because it’s not going to be platonic for either one of you once you’ve had an intimate relationship. You can’t have it both ways. NC doesn’t mean a thing if you’re still wanting to give him opportunities to talk to you and twist around your emotions. This is how end up back in bed with the loser. Remember, when you act like you don’t know what you want, and if you go back to him he will treat you progressively worse, because he feels you have no SELF-RESPECT so why should he. Trust me Mya, this is one situation I KNOW very well. It was sheer hell. I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy – soul destroying. Please, move on. Don’t give yourself excuses to engage with him. Nada, finito, punto final!!! NO DISCUSSIONS about it.
Excellent comment!
I have to concur. I have been living this nightmare for the past 4 years. Once they think you forget about things they start to come around and text you and be all nice, and then they hook you. It was an addiction for me. I am going through withdrawal now, but this time it is for good. I blocked his cell number so he has no way of contacting me. The unfortunate part of it all is I work with him, but have set up boundaries for him. This time there is NO going back. AMEN.
great articles, I’ve just come across them in my search to figure out this crazy (non)relationship that I’ve found myself clinging to. We’ve been seeing each other on again off again for a bit over 3 years. I adore him and sooo enjoy when we’re together. But then he backs off and I’m left wondering did I say or do something wrong, I “know” I didn’t, but it feels like it, then when he contacts me, I fall again. I’m a wicked lonely person and can’t seem to go NC, because I tell my self just maybe…
Stella. Don’t think you are too old to find anyone. It can happen at any age. One of my dearest friends got remarried at the ripe age of 62, having been divorced for 28 years. I asked her the other day if she had any regrets? No, after 10 years they are still going strong. It happens.
when you go NC it not only rescues you from a terrible situation … it gives you the power in the relationship. for so long, he had the power and when he called, i came. then when i would cut contact, he became unglued losing the control and power over “it” and me.
now that i went NC (well again because the last time he moved in so hard) i retained my self respect because 1) i did the right thing for myself and 2) because now i have the power once again.
i have read lots of horrible stories about what the men were doing, the ones who pulled these disappearing acts and usually it’s other women.
so when you say a big, fat NO to all that … that is EMPOWERMENT. and with empowerment comes higher self-esteem which is really something you can lean on in these described above tough times.
being treated badly means you don’t think enough of yourself to stop it and that’s crippling. but saying enough is enough and doing NC means you are free to be your full self once again and not go around feeling bad all of the time.
It’s not bitterness – it’s having a memory. Well done! I received a text from IT yesterday. He tried and miserably failed to make it look accidental “Hey Jen, have (big list of apparel for sale) let me know bruv”. How many bruvs do you know called Jen? Idiot! My reply “wrong number, please remove me from this mailing list”. There is only one reason for repeatedly pulling the flush handle. Now on to eject, reject and jettison.
Newjd,
“But then he backs off and I’m left wondering did I say or do something wrong, I “know” I didn’t, but it feels like it, then when he contacts me, I fall again. I’m a wicked lonely person and can’t seem to go NC, because I tell my self just maybe…”
There is no maybe there will be a happy ending with these guys – they just repeat the same s****y behaviour as long as we allow them to. If you really want confirmation of whether there is a maybe or not then you need to apply boundaries, you can’t just let him keep you hanging on under these circumstances.
I had the same with AC, he thought it was fine to play Houdini too until I finally realised it was all excuses and applied boundaries – then funnily enough I was accused of having issues! There was my answer = assclown.
A thought, maybe you are lonely because he is keeping you that way? In behaving as he is, he is not allowing you to move on and damaging your self esteem to boot. You know you’ve doing nothing wrong when he disappears, HE is the wicked one for treating you like that.
I won’t lie it hurts to let go, but not as much as it will hurts again and again if we allow them to keep coming back (and therefore leave). The only real maybe concerns what you might find if you free yourself from this cycle and meet someone who IS worthy of you because you know you are worthy of being treated decently! Stay strong
x
I am really glad I found this site because I am in a world of hurt this morning. I have only been seeing him for 5 months but I fell hard and fast. I wish I had never gotten to know him. Now he says he is going back to his wife and then she calls me. I wanted to die. I wanted to tell her your husband seeked me out ran me down and did not give up until I went I with him and that she needs to talk to him instead I just hung up the phone. It is going to be soo hard for me to get over this. ps he works where I live and his wife lives in another state.
Star, I feel I have to be completely honest here – the only time I have ever had another woman contact me regarding a man is when I have been involved with an AC! He fed me the sob story and fed the next (ex on off) girl the same – she called me. Red flag – it’s not a normal thing to do her calling, if she felt secure with him she wouldn’t have called you. He’s going back yet she does not feel secure, why not? You’ve known him 5 months, she has known him a lot longer and has evidently normalised his behaviour. Would you want to be her taking him back? Forgive yourself and flush – she’s been taken in again (her decision), you have had a lucky escape and it will get easier and better x
Star, please hold tight. Read Natalie’s myriad articles on Being the Other Woman, EU men, Breakups, No Contact, and so on — they’re a big help. Read them and re-read them until you start to understand your situation.
From reading lots of people’s comments, I think five to seven weeks No Contact is usually the start of damaged girls feeling so much more stable (maybe even happyish?!), so much more in control and so much better equipped to deal with whatever happens next.
It’s not easy. It hurts. And when you’re hurting, you’d do anything for it to stop. We all understand this here, so please keep coming back and talking with us.
Tink & CC – thanks so much gals!!
I seriously printed out your comments lol to remind me if why I’m doing what I’m doing.
You guys are so right!
Been a week NC so far and I think I’m more addicted to the power I have back now than needing him in my life. I dare won’t break it because this is the most I’ve ignored him and I don’t want to create this cycle in his head where he feels this is normal.
He broke up with me in May and have only been off and on in regards to being friends. He hasn’t tried to actually get back with me at all. Well, HELL, I guess he didn’t have to cuz I was around.
I guess even though it was platonic, he was getting an ego stroke just in the fact that I would talk to his ass huh after finding me worthy to marry then umm not?
Uughh…thx gals. He doesn’t deserve the time of day. Oh just to prepare me, since I’m new to this. What if he comes stronger and wants to talk or shows up at my house or something?
I guess it comes down to motive.
Afraid of losing me or power?
Forget him and push yourself to move on with your own life. You’re ruining your chances of finding someone truly worthwhile if you don’t. One woman here spent 20 years coping with this confusion and hurt – just SO NOT worth it!
i found this online … women who dated men with addictions. your men are probably not addicts but they may share the same meanness inside.
below is an insight into some of the thinking of men the women they are using. if we women REALLY knew how these men thought, we might go NC or dump them a lot faster. if i may:
==================================================
“traveller u forgot to mention another contradiction in the OPs thread: she says she loves him and that he’s the ONE, but then she says he gets nasty to her just because she doesnt hook him up with more ‘spice’.
i dont know about u, but if i ever were to get nasty to my GF just because she doesn’t give me (spice), i don’t love her. i’ll pretend to love her since she’s in love with me (my, what a girl will do for me if she’s in love with me! a real gold mine right there! plus, i get easy vagina whenever i want it, and always get what i want.
when the hotty comes along and the true love of my life, i’m dumping my GF like a sack of bricks………….’
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end of nasty story. the idea being that this lowlife and other men may have the same viewpoint of women that they don’t love. and if we heard more of this honesty, we might not walk around with such rose colored glasses. just an idea.
Lynne,
It’s very vulgar, but yes you are right, for many men this may be the reality of their thought process, and if we actually properly understood this for the slap in the face it is we would have much less difficulty in letting go emotionally.
many men want to have a clear conscience so when you read them the riot act or dump them, they feel guilty which they hate. so they string you along to avoid feeling bad. they always want to consider themselves : good guys:
Insightful and true comment! Men seem to get it all, don’t they?
I have to throw my two cents in, I had someone in my life for well over 20 years and thank God that relationship is over; but basically, he kept the door open by eluding that he never loved anyone like me and couldn’t validate the relationship because he was in the military- Away- and the promise was also when I get out… never mind that he kept re-enlisting and when he did have time – he didn’t spend it with me nor was he interested in my life or assisting me in anyway – it was always about him and his needs….my last relationship-we will call him a future faker- I must admit it was mostly sexual and I wanted more…and his thing was…just wait until I retire and then I will have more time for a relationship (he was working a job and had his own business) so that we could spend more time together and date …well, it didn’t seem like such a horrible thing at the time his retirement was in a year…so we dated and I allowed him the time that he could scrounge for me – usually late at night (he did security at night) slept in the day and did his personal business during day hours…his off days he spent with his Mother (Sundays) and free time in the day with his son…because the excuse was – I worked in the day. Well, when I got tired of the booty calls and his retirement date finally arrived – He didn’t retire – extended it and said – IF I retire I will get another job, etc… so we broke up…He is still calling but he is saying that I will change – we will go out – I will take off work, etc. but ALL conversations elude to “can I just come over tonight” or “Can you come over to my house” Always with the “Booty call” attached. Thank God it didn’t take me 20 years like before-
Ok, well, I have had a wonderful couple days of enlightenment where the light bulb goes off.
Anyway, As I’ve been processing my own feelings about the relationship, I’ve concluded the following:
The truth is why do I want a man in my life in any capacity, who treated me like his #1, but then easily can treat me like an option overnight? Oh and doesn’t even value me enough to see that maybe this shitty behavior deserves an apology of some sorts?
This is the big picture!
So everything else in the middle – that being friends bit I was so hung up on – doesn’t even matter because I was honest that I only went the friends route due to being hurt and emotional over the breakup and rejection rather than immediately recognize his crappy behavior and making the best decision for myself.
So when I “woke up” is when I left the situation swiftly with no announcement from me = me ignoring him then continuing to ignore him when he got frantic because I was gone.
So being friends doesn’t really matter in light of the big picture.
There you have it – my moment of breakthrough!
Today is 12 days of NC for me!!!
Hi all!!! Just wanted to say my MM tex me this morning early saying really nothing why he has been silent for about 12 days. I did delay my reply almost 10h since I have not asked for NC. Few hours later, i tex again to ask my key back since i see n no point him having it and i feel like the U2 song One…I have not heard from him for 4h..just wondering what is going on in his head and that any decent person would say atleast ok!
in his head,since the key was symbolc
Who cares what he is thinking?
You need to be clear in yourself that you aren’t asking for your key back as a way to bait him into engaging further with you.
Hell – I’d just change my locks and be done with it.
Yes, it sure took a long time to see through the clouds! But when you really love someone and have that powerful connection with them, you unfortunately, unless you have superhuman strength, can let it become your guide! And that connection can happen so quickly! It is sad and unfortunate that it can waste a person’s life almost totally, as it almost did to you. I’ve just had to let go of such a connection, fortunately at a far earlier stage, but at least I have control over my own life again – but there’s still that awful fear that he may come knocking again!
I came across this blog by accident and OMG it’s amazing! I feel like I’m reading all about me and my ‘relationship’. The weird thing is I have just made the commitment to myself to get out of it, and this blog has just confirmed I’m doing the right thing. Thank you soooo much xxx
Mya. You may not see this because a few post have come out since. But you asked wjat do you do if he comes to your door? Do you really think he would do that? If he would and did I would say in a very controlled firm manner, “You are trespassing. Shall I call the cops to have you removed?” I doubt you;d get any argument. You don’t need to have had a restraining order. That’s stalking!
Hey Tink.
No, I see your comment. Nope, I don’t think he would…honestly. Especially now that it is going on 2 weeks of NC. Sure in the beginning once I initially ignored him, he called/texted/IM’d like crazy, but has not since put forth concerted effort.
So, my analysis was right in that he was not afraid of losing me, but rather control and that was what he was trying to regain – control…not me.
Hi all. I have been with an MM/EUM for the past 4 years. In the 4 years we had broken off from time-to-time, but always seemed to get back together. The rose colored glasses are off now, and I am moving on with my life. He never treated me the way I should have been treated, but ladies I put up with it. Just one example, but a big eye opener was for my Birthday this past August. My Birthday came and all he did was send me a text saying “Happy Birthday, I hope you have a good day”. Might I add, I took the day off from work, and he knew I was home alone and never even said to me can I take you to breakfast, lunch or dinner. GF’s when I say OUCH – I mean OUCH that slap really hurt! Imagine 4 years and all I got was text, OMG, I think I am still in shock as I type this. His excuse was he is going through a divorce and things are very overwhelming for him. While I get that, but he always said how happy I made him. Is this how you acknowledge someone who makes you happy? Had I asked him if he wanted to come over to my place which we all know would lead to sex, he would have dropped everything to come over. After a big blow-out (I sent his best friend an e-mail telling him what he didn’t do and basically told him his friend is a selfish loser) did he finally do something for me and which of course led us back together. He always plays the nice card for a few weeks, but always went back to his selfish way. His soon to be ex-wife told him recently he is not capable of loving someone. Sad, but true! Its been 4 weeks and I am moving on, but I am emotionally distraught and mad at myself for allowing this person to be in my life and to treat me the way he did. Also, ladies throughout the 4 years nobody knew I was involved with him so I had nobody to talk to. Had I told someone I bet it wouldn’t have gone on as long as it did.
You will be happy to know, I just started therapy and am working on getting myself back to a good place.
Its nice to see that I am not alone.
Hi All! For those that know my story.
I initiated NC (w/no explanation) with my ex a month ago and haven’t heard a peep from him after he tried a few times to contact me – which i ignored all of them!
Well…surprise surprise – his sister decides to contact me for advice on her relationship issues??
Ummm…huh? #1 her and I are not friends – #2 the last time I walked away from him is when she showed up wanting to hang out.
I believe her motives are so so wrong…